My new column is starting to write itself. This week was nearly from a guy shouting into a phone outside West Hampstead tube. He had on an exaggeratedly baggy slightly shabby black suit. I noted his white shirt was stained in places around the collar. It looked like tomato sauce. His general demeanor could be summed up as sleazy. So here’s just one priceless fragment from his ten minute one sided conversation while I was waiting to meet a friend? He was using a wired earphone set clutching the little microphone near to his mouth. “So I’m in the club when boosh this geezer smashes a bottle over this other geezers head. I don’t know what to do, do I? I mean I’m not trained like you. But I’m security right. So I shout stop that but they don’t. And now it’s really kicking off. So I legged it. Yeah I know I’m not supposed to but these geezers were going at it man I tell you. I nearly shit meself (much of this was punctuated by effing and c’ing) I know but I didn’t have a clue Robbie not a clue brother. I’m not cut out for this door work really I’m not. I’m a coward d’you know what I mean? No really brother. My pants were damp you know what I’m saying?”

However it’s not that conversation. Compelling at it got. It’s this one. I had to go into town the day after the Olympic ceremony. So I’m grabbing a cup of tea locally when at the next table I hear this:
Plump middle aged well-dressed woman with bouffant hair and similar looking companion. “Well I was offended. I’m sorry but it’s just not on” her friend looked anxious “Really but I like Paul Mcartney he’s wonderful”. Her friend bridled “But what a thing to sing about” her friend looked taken aback. The bouffant hair lady shook her head vigorously “We put up with a lot but how they let a man like that get away with such offensive language I just don’t know. If that’s supposed to represent Britain well…..” her friend looked seriously contemplative “What did he say?” the bouffant woman’s voice rose to a very loud whisper. “He sat there calm as you like and sang Hey Jews. Can you imagine it on live world television. In front of millions. Mocking us” her friend’s voice changed “Sorry did you say he sang Hey Jews?” Bouffant lady whispered loudly again ”Yes I nearly choked on my biscuit. I shouted by Alby was upstairs. Calm as you like he was the cameras were very close and you could see every word coming out of his mouth. Hey Jews this hey Jews that. I’m surprised people didn’t boo. What a thing I mean what a thing” Her friend sounded uncomfortable now “Er I don’t think that’s what he said dear” Bouffant woman was into her stride “I turned it off I just couldn’t bear it” her friend coughed “No darling the songs called Hey Jude. It’s a boy’s name” Bouffant woman suddenly sounded slightly confused “What?” her friend gently continued “Yes dear it’s an old Beatles tune called Hey Jude. (She enunciated the words very carefully emphasising the D) Kimmy learned it at school last year in the choir. It’s Hey jude” Bouffant woman made a disbelieving sound in her throat “Oh. Well his hair looked terrible”

Thank you god. Perfect.