Tag Archives: Ceri Phillips

The Great Welsh Summer {Ceri's Column}

Posted on by

God damn, my country is beautiful in the Sun. It turns even more verdant than it usually is, (that’s pretty fucking green, man) the jaw-droppingly beautiful beaches shine like strips of pure gold dust and flocks of people are to be seen out and about, smiling. We have great ice cream in my neck of the…uh…seaside, and everyone seems to be licking at a scoop or tree. Happy, bright, summertime Wales.

However…

There are a lot of burnt-up people all of a sudden. One teeny chink of sunlight squeezes trough the gloomy haze above and the nation’s pallid, goblin-like inhabitants all emerge from their pits to bask and… Immediately get charred. Ha ha ha.

The amount of legs, arms, backs, shoulders, chests and noses shining crimson I’ve seen in the last couple of days has been staggering. I’ve also marvelled at the scores of clammy people sporting a fetching, ghost-coloured patch of face-skin where Ray-Bans were nearly fused to their face. Nice.

Ah, it’s only because I’m jealous y’know. Procul Harum may well have had me in mind when writing “Whiter Shade of Pale”…who am I kidding, it was the 60’s! They had purple Hindu deities dancing with kaleidoscopic rhinos in their minds after all the acid…plus I wasn’t born yet. Well whatever, I am very white. And I guarantee that, despite all my sun-dodging attempts, there’ll be at least one occasion that I’ll be transformed to a gnarled half-man, half-crackling creature by the end August.

Most of you think of the smell of cut-grass when you think of summer. Not me. The stink of burger vans is also filling my nostrils when I think of summer, and do you know what? I like it. I have absolutely no idea why the whiff of blackened Grade F beef/bread/god-knows and slimy onions smothered in unnaturally yellow mustard makes me exclaim “Ah! Summer!” But it does. And I will consume at least one ill-advised artery-clogger of a burger by the time I have transformed into the gnarled half-man, half-crackling creature.

Shit. I’ll be turning into Gollum.

Team Name Shame {Ceri's Column}

Posted on by

Sports team’s nicknames are very funny, very rarely cool and totally unnecessary. I am a huge rugby fan but supporting my local team has become, since the change of system from domestic to regional rugby, very very difficult. I love our jerseys. I love our stadium. I love our branding. I hate our name.

The Ospreys.

What a shitty name. As far as seabirds go, they’re a bit dull. Quite pretty and live nowhere near Wales. And we named our team after them. Yawn. It doesn’t even have any historical reason. It’s just shite.

But we got off lightly. Stateside, where there is more of a tradition of calling your beloved team something shit, there are a 5 of the best names that just made me piss. With laughter. Not literally. Ugh. Here they are:

  1. Abilene Christian Wildcats – The notion of a wildcat worshipping Jesus and co really made me chuckle. Plus the good people who support this College football team have to endure this illogical beast as the emblem of their team. That also made me laugh a bit.
  1. San Francisco 49ers – This famous American football team’s name has a very curious derivation. Named for the thousands of prospectors who, in 1849, rushed for the gold supposedly lying about in the sandy ground of California. So, you could say, the San Francisco “Went 400 miles westwards to find nothing but dust, caught cholera and got my foot blown off by dynamite”ers.
  1. Brooklyn Bridegrooms (19th century baseball team)/Columbia College Fighting Koalas – Joint winners of Ceri’s Least threatening team name.
  1. Chicago Fire – Seems Ok? Pretty cool? Nope, because in 1871 there was a Chicago fire. The GREAT Chicago fire. Killed thousands. So way to go, Chicago Fire FC of the MLS. Let’s see if we ever see a London Blitz or Chernobyl Nuclear Disasters?
  1. Edmonton Oilers – This Canadian hockey team can only really keep this name for a few years. Soon they’ll be the Edmonton “Remember when there was oil?”-ers.

Future Eater {Ceri's Column}

Posted on by

Now is the future. Ok, so that’s the kind of clearly logic-flouting “I’m so po-mo” statements that are barely ever uttered beyond the uber-cool confines of…I dunno…Hoxton? I don’t know where’s cool.

But there is a hint of the Buck Rogers about all these World Cup themed crisps from Walkers. On eating the USA’s “American Cheeseburger” I actually exclaimed “Wow” (the first time since eating some really excellent cuisine in a Michelin starred restaurant…once). I swear I had a cheeseburger in my gob. This made me love them more than any burger I’ve ever had or ever could.

This experience reminded me of a limited edition of Skips released with the theme of a CITV cartoon I cannot for the balls of me remember what it was called – It was about some kids who lived in  a computer game or some shit…it was quite good. Anyway, one of the flavours was donut. They were also divine.

All these “Foods with the flavour of other foods” (catchy) made me think: Why the hell are there not more of these wonderfully futuristic concoctions? I’m not talking flavoured pills from some dystopian World Republic or even a Fantasmagorically Wendiferous Roald Dahl-esque jar of sweeties. I mean crisps that taste of toast. I mean toast that tastes of cheese…like cheese on toast but without the cheese. I want to open a pack of Pringles and taste Apple Crumble.

So…what I’m saying is I want to go to the Fat Duck in Bray…

The World Cup; A Celt's Thoughts {Ceri's Column}

Posted on by

Well, we didn’t get there again. Not only did Wales fail to get even close to the finals, but not a single Celtic nation will be at  the first World Cup to be held in Africa. Nice one, assholes.

But I’m used to it and…well, see…I do love the World Cup, y’know. I really do. I know what you’re thinking: “Ceri? That’s Welsh, innit? Why the hell would YOU enjoy the World Cup? Wales haven’t been in it since the 50’s!” well, I assume that’s what you’re thinking because the rest of the piece hinges on it.

Firstly, SHUT UP I KNOW! I’m more a rugby fan anyway.

Secondly, being an impartial viewer really does heighten my enjoyment of the tournament! No, seriously!  All you flag of St. George waving, lager swilling Eng-er-landers can happily cheer along your team but the other games tend to be a formality to watch. I’ve heard many a glib utterance of (things along the lines of) – “Ooh look, Portugal’s out” from some England fan or another. Oh Yeah? That’s HUGE, you pillock!

Every team is a possible villain or hero for me! I do usually pick a team before the tournament commences, but it invariably changes after the group stages. (Last time I was all “Yeah! Go Ireland!” and was chanting “Forza Azzuri” by the end…I was supporting Italy, asshole.)

This year, Argentina is my team. Partly due to the small yet significant Welsh-speaking population living in Patagonia. Partly due to my 3rd favourite sporting moment being Maradonna’s “Hand  of God” ;-)

(after Gareth Edward’s try for the Barbarians vs New Zealand and Wales’ 2005 Six Nations Grand Slam.)

But my backing of the Argies is mainly due to Lionel Messi. God this guy is crazy-style awesome.

So, what the fuck do you want now? My tip to win? Easy, it’s the same as everyone else’s. Spain. What? Why are you still staring at the screen? What do you expect? Oh! Shit, you want me to say good luck? As in, to England! Ugh. Well….<exhales>….here goes.

Good luck…um…chaps…lads…fellas…uh…is that ok? Cool.

Oh and before I forget, if DO you win, don’t spend the next 50 years gloating. K?

Shit, I’m going to regret wishing you lot good luck now…

Under Pressure {Ceri's Column}

Posted on by

I do love a game of poker. It really does grab you by the balls and holds you close saying: “Yeah? Yeah?! You think you’re so fucking hot, huh? Punk ass?” Well, that makes it sound like a violent pimp, but you get my drift. No? OK: Poker is awesome.

Mind you, I’m not great at the suspense side of it. I get all screechy when I’ve gone all in (chucked all your chips away) and are awaiting the river card (the last one they flip over and the American commentator of late-night Channel 4 poker shows calls out “Holy Yowza! If that ain’t the darnedest 3 hole strip-lined dandy river I ever saw!”…or something). I can’t bloody stand it!

It’s odd. I’m fine with scary films. I’m a picture of serenity with any real-life danger. Even sporting pressure is OK, (I played rugby for many a year until I got ill…and shit at it). But in the context of a game? I really am useless.

I’ve been known to stand up and shout: “WILL YOU FRIGGING HURRY UP AND TURN OVER THE CARDS YOU DIRTY ASSSSSHOOOOOLEEEE” at the poor, defenceless dealer! Well I say “defenceless”. I was escorted out of the casino by a burly security guy…who was wearing the same uniform as the croupiers. I hope he wasn’t a croupier…anyway, as per usual, I digress.

Come to think of it, I’m rubbish in other suspense-filled games.

Jenga? Jesus wept; I’m a nervous wreck… The thought of being responsible for a whole structure just tumbling down brings me out in hives! I stay clear of any game that even looks like it’s primarily made from wood now.

Buckaroo. It’s the bastard’s face. He looks so stressed! There is nothing worse than staring at an angry donkey carrying random objects.

Kerplunk? Fuck off.

So, by all means play me at Scrabble. Or Monopoly. Cluedo (or Clue to you Yanks) is a bit of a grey area. Hmmm. Better stick to I spy.

by Ceri Phillips

Ceri’s Top…or Best…No Ceri’s Favourite '10' YouTube Comedy Sketches {Ceri's Column}

Posted on by

Right you lovely dirty and occasionally American readers! These are the funniest clips on the internet! I did not include clips from TV shows or footage of real-life funny stuff…so maybe not the funniest clips per-se, just the funniest devised pieces. Happy? You frigging will be. Oh and Rick roll’d, Charlie’s finger biting and other faddish clips and memes like that can just curl up somewhere and die. OK here we go!

  • “Shoes – Full Version” – Liam Kyle Sullivan’s comic creation “Kelly” has an added je ne sais quoi over most characters of a similar ilk (your am I bovverds and Vicky pollards).  I walked around Swansea for months saying “shoes” in Kelly’s monotonous way whenever I saw a pair in a shop window…then whenever I saw a pair anywhere. Had to stay at home for a bit. I’m fine now.

  • “Charlie the Unicorn” – Creeeeeeeeepy! But I wish Charlie had his own series! All the clips are great and these guys really know how to make a great animated clip. Bastards…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus

  • “Powerthirst” – I’m not the biggest fan of these guys. They seem like a pretty run-of-the-mill sketch troupe but MY SWEET HOT TAMALES this clip is just awesome!

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs

  • “Gargoyles Hatch” – Welsh comedy geniuses? Look no further than The Milk. I’ve met these lovely lads from Blaina. Absolutely fucking insane. No. Seriously. A bit socially deviant. But the best European clip of a humorous nature on the web…does anyone say “the web” anymore? Well, I do. Try finding their Ross Kemp n Gangs sketch too. It’s gonna be bezzzerrrk!!!

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Bk676Z1AAM

  • “500 impressions in 2 minutes” – This brilliant bloke’s simple yet effective sketch is very good.  His other stuff is pretty good too! Plus he totally shatters the myth that Oriental people aren’t funny, bleed acid and cannot taste sweet things and therefore actually call “sweet and sour chicken” just “sour chicken”. Nah, none of those are real myths. Are they? Yes.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpsfDTbzKwM

  • “Total Eclipse of the Heart – Literal Version” – I’m Welsh and do not like Bonnie Tyler. That is what I used to say before seeing THIS! My favourite musical comedy clip in the whole world. I wish I could join the Glee Club of the Damned. Shit.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA

  • “Academy Award Winning Movie Trailer” – This is by my current stalk-targets, Britanick  (Pronounced like Titanic; as in the ship and the film and the likeness to a Titan). These two clever boys have too many clips to pick from and getting to a decision regarding my personal favourite was too hard. At the time of writing it’s this one. I’ll look at this in two days and say “No fucking way, Ce (That’s what I call myself in my head) The one where the Dad comes in is way better. God I hate you. Why don’t you just shut up and stop writing shit, bitch.” Then I’ll see Dr. Coburn…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFicqklGuB0

  • “Taleshmech Restaurant” – This doesn’t make me hungry, it makes my fungry! Balls, that doesn’t work at all…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YDfN30sD80

  • “Spiders on Drugs” – I used to be arachnophobia but, thanks to this film, I am mortally afraid of the crack spider.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc

**PLUG ALERT**

Now, please take a look at my own YouTubey clipettes. They are made with my sketch group Le 122. They don’t make my top 10…so, that says it all really. Gonna plug it anyway. Right, pint?

Le 122 – http://www.youtube.com/user/LeOneTwoTUBE

Hello Kitty…Sir {Ceri's Column}

Posted on by

Raaaaaaaaaawr!

Sorry…

Lions scare the crap out of me but I must admit they seem to have quite a lot of things going for them. They look pretty damn cool, they kick Wildebeest and Thompson’s Gazelle ass and most of all they are known as “King of the Beasts”…fair play.

However, they have HILARIOUS balls. Really the most comical testicles I’ve ever seen. They have slightly pale, furry and not hairy and perfectly spherical bollocks. It’s a real blow to their tough cat image. I suppose it’s like seeing a thuggish football hooligan with…perfectly spherical bollocks. I really had trouble with that analogy half way through…

As if this naturally occurring drag wasn’t enough, many live in captivity or on nature reserves. How does that add to their image crisis I hear you (or assume you will) say? Well it isn’t some embarrassment at being incarcerated or studied or “protected” without their say so…they’re animals, they do not have this capacity. It’s the names that some are given.  Bakele, Topi and Khali are all names that make me think “Yes. That’s the kind of name a lion should have”. Tin-tin, Scruffy and Mr. Tickle are pretty bad but animals all over the globe get them. It’s the normal names that really get me chuckling.

I have no problem with the name Jimmy. It’s a fine name. But the dominant male of a blood-thirsty and brutal Pride that prowls about the Serengeti?

King Jimmy? Jimmy the Springbok killer? Nah. I’d rather be called King Snuggles.

Plus Tigers are cooler anyway.

(Editor says “yes, tigers are cool, I’m not saying Lion bits arn’t serious but to give this article more gravitas here’s a link to a charity“)

Dr. Who? {Ceri's Column}

Posted on by

I’m all addicted and confused. My addiction is to a certain bottled narcotic called “Dr. Pepper”. My confusion is…see… what in the hell is Dr. Pepper anyway?

I’ve thought; for years and years; that it was Cherry Coke’s rival. Pepsi vs. Coke, Tango vs. Orangina, 7up vs. Sprite and of course Lilt vs…Well, Dr. Pepper vs. Cherry Coke was another carbonated beverage based rivalry. Apparently I’m wrong. Dr. Pepper is technically classed as a “pepper-flavoured” drink. (Technically = Wikipedia verified) Pepper. Um…what? Now I’m no bald-headed glasses warer from Master Chef, but I know what pepper tastes like. It tastes like fucking pepper. DOCTOR pepper tastes like a slightly sweeter cherry cola. Am I wrong?

CEO W.W. Clements once said: “I’ve always maintained you cannot tell anyone what Dr Pepper tastes like because it’s so different. It’s not an apple, it’s not an orange, it’s not a strawberry, it’s not a root beer, and it’s not even a cola. It’s a different kind of drink with a unique taste all its own.”

Nope. It’s cherry. Fuck! Plus, it was patented in 1885 by…yes you guessed it…Charles Alderton. Oh, sorry gentle reader, were you expecting someone else? A certain medical practitioner with a rather spice-racky surname? SO, WHO THE FUCK IS DOCTOR PEPPER? There is much conjecture on the matter of the name, (is it from “pepsin”, or any number of quack-physicians that carry the name Pepper etc.) and I know I should just shut up and enjoy the drink but…Why not call it something else? Please? For my sanity