Monthly Archives: April 2010

I'm a Sega Mega Drive, and being AWESOME was my idea! {Ceri's Column}

Posted on by

They really don’t make video game systems like this anymore! Sure, games these days are flashier, more expensive, have better graphics, cooler music and snappy writing and have more storyline-based sexiness blah blah blah…but I can’t help but feel…I LOVED THE SEGA MEGA DRIVE MORE.

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is all very well and good but I don’t feel like I’m “playing” anymore. The Sega was like…a toy…you remember…fun? Escapism?

Most of my school mates circa 1995 were still playing the pantsy little SNES. Seriously, this console makes Hello Kitty look positively mantacular. I was too busy fighting Doctor Robotnik as my speedy blue hedgehog alter ego to care about the mushroom killing exploits of a beer-bellied Italian plumber.

The one all-conquering ultra game that proves beyond all possible argument that the Mega Drive roolz (yes I spelled it like that, fucking deal with it you square):

Toejam and Earl!

For you unenlightened few who are yet to bask in the glory –

In 1991 Johnson Voorsanger Productions made a game about two space alien rappers who crash land on earth. In this 3D roving, birthday present collecting, elevator finding, wise cracking super-game, 1 or 2 players control either red three-legged Toejam or Hawaiian short-wearing slightly obese Big Earl. You walk about the randomly generated worlds trying to recover bits of your broken spaceship. On the way you encounter troublesome Earthlings like the lil’ devils, hula girls, phantom ice cream trucks and marauding bands of tomato-cannon firing chickens.

YES! It is this insane. YES! It is that good! Get on eBay and buy it. Seriously now. Buy a Sega Mega Drive to play it on as well…I probably should have mentioned that first… You can get the console for £30 or thereabouts and Toejam and Earl (the 1st one, the sequal was wank) for a few quid, but they probably cost much less on eBay!

This game is the bollocks! I guarantee that within 5 minutes of playing it you’ll be quoting it for years. I have…

God I need a life…JAMMIN’!

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33iYLYRMLSk

Coming Soon: Four Lions

Posted on by

Once in a while a film is set to be released an my lil movie buff heart gets all a flutter only for it to be dashed on the cutting room floor amoungst all the celluloid off cuts. It happened with Lord of the Rings, a movie that promised epic battles, fantastical magics and a quest to end all quests and yes it delivered these but it bought with it boredom and a special extended edition you need a week put aside to watch. I also got all excited about ‘The Scariest Film in 10 years’ Paranormal Activity. Finally, I foolishly thought, a film that I can compare to The Shining (scariest film ever) but it wasn’t to be. That film makes me angry just thinking about it, its just bad.
Then I heard about a small film called Four Lions


The reason it piqued my interest was for the inclusion of one name….Chris Morris. Morris is the brilliant mind that bought us The Day Today and Brass Eye along with other great comedy shows and many appearances in TV comedy. Known as a ‘Media Terrorist’ and always happy to viciously satirise current events, Morris, who has teamed up with writers Jesse Armstrong (Peep Show, The Thick of It), Sam Bain (Peep Show, Smack The Pony) and with additional writing by Simon Blackwell (The Armstrong and Miller Show, The Thick of It) hasn’t eased up at all with his new movie Four Lions, a comical (and occasionally farcical) look at jihadism. Most would shy away from turning such a hot political potato as the threat of ongoing terrorism into a film we can laugh at, but pushing the boundaries is what Morris is good at, and a story about four bumbling, confused but enthusiastic Islamic fundamentalist wannabe terrorists is well within his grasp. The film follows four men, Omar (Riz Ahmed), Waj (Kayvan Novak), Faisal (Adeel Akhtar) and Barry (Nigel Lindsay) through jihad training camps in Pakistan and fooling bulk retailers of bleach by hiding their beards behind their hands as they plan and hope for glory in Northern England with a wit that only these writers can deliver.
A film that promises to dig up as many angry letter writers as it does full on belly laughs, Four Lions is one to look out for and to go see with friends who can see the funny side of anything.

Four Lions is showing in cinemas in the UK from the 7th May.

Dear DONOVAN: Am I a sinner or a winner?

Posted on by

Here he is again; DONOVAN. The unforgiving, cynical, potty mouthed agony uncle. No one knows why he doesn’t like humanity, maybe someone sneezed pure evil on him as a child.

** Disclaimer: The views, colourful language and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Frostmagazine.com **

Dear DONOVAN,

My boyfriend and I haven’t even kissed because we want to be pure, but we talk dirty online. Is what were doing a sin?

Kelly, Bridgend

First of all Kelly, I have to stress that I refused to reply to this message twice! But because the only other question I got sent this week was “How far is too far?” which nearly gave me a stroke out of sheer anger at the individual who sent! it, and the fact that if I didn’t have a ‘Dear DONOVAN’ published this week I wouldn’t get paid! I had no choice. (Lol, who’s paying you?! Can they pay me too? – Editor)

So to answer your question you absolute Ganja flap!! (Is that some sort of oat and syrup based space cake? – Editor)

Yes it is a Sin being a C*CK TEASE! You are a disgrace to all women everywhere.

Cut it out now little Miss fridged!

He is probably cheating on you now, anyway. I don’t blame the boy to be honest.

You shall not receive a DONOVAN mug. Instead you get a T-shirt saying “Not even Jesus made me come”.

If your over 16 and completely clean, send me your MSN add.

PS

Pull any of that crap with me and ill find you. B*tch!

Time traveller photographed at 1940’s bridge opening

Posted on by

There are many things I don’t know about time travel, for example, are you allowed to keep your clothes and if you step on a butterfly will you loose a limb instantaneously or will you gradually fade whilst holding a photograph of you and your siblings from your childhood…?

This photograph; which was part of the Bralorne-Pioneer: Their Past Lives Here Exhibition is exhibited at the Virtual Museum of Canada.

Of course you can see the guy that’s got the Internet in a tizzy, he sticks out like an eccentric at a 1940’s bridge re-opening. Could the fedora-less man in modern looking clothes really be a time traveller? If so, why would he choose to travel to a bridge re-opening in a sleepy mining town in Canada as opposed to a monumentally historic moment or a lively party he once read about.

There’s alot of analysis on forgetomori and more facetious analysis on fark.

So what do you think? Is this guy a time traveller?

If he really is a time traveller I’d be fine with that. What concerns me is that if this man genuinely was a man of his time dressing like a “hipster” and attending small town ceremonies then does that mean that today’s fashion eccentrics will be looked upon as ahead of their time when their photographs are seen by a future generation?

The thing you do when you're an "actor"… {Ceri's Column}

Posted on by

I’m sure that “waiting” is the biggest pain in our collective arse! I mean, war and famine and such are more than a pain in the arse…unless you’re that soldier who got shot in the arse…balls, I’ll start again.

Uh…feck! See what I mean?

All that nonsensical rambling was written as I am waiting for my frigging train to arrive. My mind is not at its razor-sharpness when I have to wait for junk! It grabs on to thoughts like “I wonder if this train has power sockets” or “that hair growing from my mole…is it ok if my girlfriend plucks it out? It won’t get worse, will it?”

When you’re a mediocre actor, like myself, your time spent waiting is roughly four times more than, say, an oil-rig worker. Oil-rig workers don’t sit in their house thinking “maybe if I’d tried an Irish accent”. Oil-rig workers don’t sip at luke-warm cappuccinos in the Starbucks next door to Johnny Jenkins’ Casting for two hours because they miscalculated how long it takes to drive to Manchester and are 3 hours early. Oil-rig workers wear overalls, not their god damned pyjamas for days and days and days hoping against hope for your agent to ring.

Last week, I waited for 2 and half hours to be asked: “Oh…can you come back tomorrow?” 2 and a half hours of sitting and looking at the floor and wondering why I hadn’t brought my IPod and what do I get?!  24 more hours of waiting. AAAARGH!

Oh well, I suppose I could be doing a job that involves “working” or “thinking” or “Business acumen”. We have made our own beds, so let’s…uh…lie…in them? Does that butchered idiom make sense?

Oh shit my train’s here……

by Ceri Phillips