Monthly Archives: March 2012

International Buddhist Film Festival

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International Buddhist Film Festival

11–15 April

In conjunction with the Buddhist Art Forum at the Courtauld Institute of Art

This is a film festival with a difference, the program is below, lots of good films to see.

The International Buddhist Film Festival (IBFF) is returning to London this Spring, bringing a compelling selection of Buddhist cinema to the capital from 11-15 April at the Apollo Piccadilly Circus.

The diverse programme will showcase more than a dozen feature films and documentaries, most of which are European and UK premieres – from a Thai murder mystery and a Nepali road movie about a Tibetan nun’s journey to Katmandu to recover a debt, to a host of docs including a Richard Gere-narrated exploration of the life of Buddha and a self-portrait by a filmmaker who was identified as the reincarnation of a renowned Buddhist teacher when he was three years old.

Now celebrating its 10th year, the IBFF has presented festivals in cities across the world from LA, Washington DC and Mexico City to Amsterdam, Singapore and Hong Kong. This will be the first time the IBFF has visited the UK since 2009. “We are delighted to be returning to London with a wonderful new selection of world cinema with a Buddhist touch,” said Gaetano Kazuo Maida, Executive Director of IBFF. “Drawing on themes from karma, self and happiness to redemption, compassion, community and creativity – often treated with humour – there is something here for everyone, regardless of how much they already know about Buddhism,” he added.

The IBFF is being held in conjunction with the Buddhist Art Forum at the Courtauld Institute of Art at Somerset House, offering Londoners a feast of Buddhist cultural delights across cinema and art.

PROGRAM

Shugendo Now
Directed by Jean-Marc Abela and Mark Patrick McGuire
Japan, Canada / 2010 / Japanese with English subtitles / 88 min / Documentary
EUROPEAN PREMIERE
Wednesday, April 11, 6:30 pm

There is a unique school of Japanese asceticism called Shugendo, the Way of Acquiring Power, a blend of Shinto, Daoism and Buddhism. Followers practice arduous rituals in mountain wildernesses and are deeply committed to protecting the natural environment. The film is a poetic and intimate journey into a rarely seen world between the developed and the wild, between the present and the infinite. Filmed on location in Japan’s Kumano Mountains, Tokyo and Osaka.

The Buddha
Directed by David Grubin
USA / 2010 / English / 112 min / Documentary
Narrated by Richard Gere
UK PREMIERE
Wednesday, April 11, 8:45 pm

The story of Buddha, the 6th century BCE prince who became a great spiritual teacher, has been told in many ways and media. This is an ambitious and imaginative film by veteran documentary director David Grubin (RFK, FDR, LBJ, The Jewish Americans, Napoleon), narrated by Richard Gere. The film features location footage plus animation and contemporary voices including poets Jane Hirshfield and US Poet Laureate W.S. Merwin, and Buddhist scholar Robert Thurman to explore the life and meaning of the man who became “awake” and continues to inspire the diverse Buddhist cultures all over the world. Filmed on location in India, Nepal and the US.

Mindfulness and Murder
Directed by Tom Waller
Thailand / 2011 / Thai with English subtitles / 90 min / Dramatic Feature
UK PREMIERE
Thursday, April 11, 6:30 pm
Director and Producer expected to attend

The body of a dead homeless youth turns up in a Bangkok monastery and the police don’t want to get involved. Former homicide detective Father Ananda is now a senior monk and is asked by the abbot to solve the murder. Based on a novel by Bangkok resident Nick Wilgis, the film explores the intimate world of a Thai Buddhist monastery while following the rules of a classic whodunit. And as usual, not everything turns out to be what it at first seems. Starring Vithaya Pansringarm as Father Ananda, with two pop music personalities in leading roles, Prinya “Way” Intachai, one of the rappers in Thaitanium, and Charina Sirisinha of the ZaZa.

Karma
Directed by Tsering Rhitar Sherpa
Nepal / 2006 / Tibetan with English subtitles / 104 min / Dramatic Feature

EUROPEAN PREMIERE
Thursday, April 11, 8:45 pm

A road movie with Tibetan Buddhist nuns: an intimate story that begins behind the walls of a nunnery in remote Mustang. Karma is a free-spirited nun, and when the abbess dies, there’s an urgent need for money to pay for the rites after her death; Karma is assigned to go with another nun to try to retrieve funds on loan to a mysterious man once known to the abbess. Her search, and her journey within, take us to Katmandu, and beyond the obvious, beyond expectations, even beyond Buddhism at one point. She gets some advice along the way, “You’re desperately after something… you won’t get it, but you won’t fail.” And the movies play a part, of course. A rare and intriguing glimpse into the inner life of Tibetan nuns in a changing world. (Karma also means “actions”…) Starring Tsering Dolkar, Ani Yeshi Lhamo, Mithila Sharma and Jampa Kalsang.

The Great Pilgrim
Directed by Jin Tiemu
China / 2009 / Chinese with English subtitles / 98 min / Documentary

EUROPEAN PREMIERE
Friday, April 13, 6:30 pm

One of the most celebrated journeys in history is that of Tang dynasty Chinese monk Xuanzang. His quest to obtain original Buddhist texts took him on a nineteen year pilgrimage to India where he studied for several years at the famous Nalanda University. Upon his return to China in 645, bearing many Sanskrit texts, he was sponsored by Emperor Taizang to translate all the texts into Chinese and to record the story of his journey. His autobiography, Great Tang Records of the Western Region, is considered so accurate in its observations that it is consulted by archeologists and historians to this day. It is also the inspiration for the many popular Journey to the West and Monkey stories in novels, comic books, and animated and live action films and television from several countries in Asia. Reenactments, location filming and animation are compellingly deployed in The Great Pilgrim to introduce a truly legendary figure.

Abraxas
Directed by Naoki Kato
Japan / 2010 / Japanese with English subtitles / 113 min / Dramatic Feature
Friday, April 13, 8:45 pm

A punk rock veteran, now a married Buddhist priest, has a crisis of identity. This film touches on karma, self, compassion, community, impermanence, a dog, fathers and sons, relative and absolute, noise and music… and weaves bravely between heartfelt emotion and borderline jaunty farce. A soft spot for thrash punk (and Leonard Cohen) will add to the pleasure. Perhaps this is something of a glimpse into the place of Buddhism in contemporary Japan… A not-too-distant kin to Juzo Itami’s The Funeral (1984), Masayuki Suo’s Fanshi Dansu (1989) and Yojiro Katika’s Departures (2008)…. A Sundance Film Festival World Cinema Competition film starring Japanese rock star Suneohair, with Rie Tomosaka and Kaoru Kobayashi.

Tulku
Directed by Gesar Mukpo
Canada / 2010 / English / 76 min / Documentary
EUROPEAN PREMIERE
Saturday, April 14, 3:00 pm

At age three, Gesar Tsewang Arthur Mukpo, son of renowned Tibetan Buddhist teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche and his British wife Diana, was identified as the reincarnation of the late Jamgon Kongtrul of Sechen, one of his father’s own teachers in Tibet. Living in Boulder, Colorado and then Halifax, Nova Scotia, Gesar balanced competing cultures and strikingly different definitions of self. His life was far from that of an ordinary contemporary American or Canadian—his father was a world famous Buddhist teacher and author—but there was no monastery upbringing like that of perhaps the best known tulku, the Dalai Lama, or even like his father. The film goes beyond autobiography to explore the Tibetan tradition of recognition of reincarnations of Buddhist teachers. Other non-Tibetan tulkus are interviewed as well as renowned Tibetan teachers including Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche and H.H. Ogyen Trinley the 17th Karmapa.

Crazy Wisdom
Directed by Johanna Demetrakas
USA / 2011 / English / 92 min / Documentary
EUROPEAN PREMIERE
Saturday, April 14, 6:30 pm

This is the long-awaited feature documentary that explores the life, teachings, and “crazy wisdom” of Chogyam Trungpa, Rinpoche, a pivotal figure in bringing Tibetan Buddhism to the West. Raised and trained in the rigorous Tibetan monastic tradition, Trungpa shattered preconceived notions about how an enlightened teacher should behave—he openly smoked, drank, and had intimate relations with students—yet his teachings are recognized as authentic, vast, and influential. Trungpa taught Buddhism as though it were a matter of life and death. Allen Ginsberg considered him his guru; Thomas Merton wanted to write a book with him; Joni Mitchell wrote a song about him. Filmed in the UK, Tibet, Canada, and the US, twenty years after Trungpa’s death, with unprecedented access and exclusive archival material.

My Reincarnation
Directed by Jennifer Fox
Italy, USA / 2011 / English, Italian, and Tibetan with English subtitles / 82 min / Documentary
OFFICIAL UK PREMIERE
Saturday, April 14, 8:45 pm
Director expected to attend

Working with over a thousand hours of remarkable footage taken over an unprecedented twenty year span with extraordinary access to Tibetan Buddhist teacher Namkhai Norbu Rinpoche, My Reincarnation is the intimate story of a father and son, tradition and change, dreams and realities, destiny and desire, and Tibetan Buddhism in the contemporary world. Director Jennifer Fox is a veteran world-class filmmaker with a number of award-winning productions to her credit including Beirut: The Last Home Movie, An American Love Story and Flying: Confessions of a Free Woman. Filmed on location in Italy, China and fifteen other countries.
SPOTLIGHT ON BURMA

Aung San Suu Kyi: Lady of No Fear
Directed by Anne-Gyrithe Bonne
Denmark / 2012 / English / 64 min / Documentary

Compelling and fascinating glimpses into the life of the Nobel Laureate. This new film details some of the consequences her freedom struggle has had, not only for her, but also for her closest friends and family, as she emerges from years of detention to take her place again at the forefront of her country’s transition to democracy.

Into the Current
Directed by Jeanne Hallacy
Myanmar, Thailand, USA / 2011 / English and Burmese with English
subtitles / 76 min / Documentary

This film honors the leaders of Burma’s nonviolent democracy movement and their personal sacrifices for the freedom of their people. The film explores the commitment of Nobel Peace laureate Aung San Suu Kyi, poet Min Ko Naing, comedian Zarganar and women’s leader Nilar Thein. Their stories are told through scenes of political activities filmed at great risk by the Democratic Voice of Burma, with rare archival footage and new material filmed with Burmese exiles. Bo Kyi, a former prisoner, carries the voices and the plight of 2,000 other political prisoners to the international stage.
KanZeOn

Directed by Tim Grabham and Neil Cantwell
UK, Japan / 2011 / English subtitles / 86 min / Documentary
Directors expected to attend

A mysterious and innovative meditation on sound, song, story, ritual, performance, nature, tradition and Japanese Buddhism… a fearless merging of medieval and modern, beautifully filmed with a variety of cinematic techniques on location in Japan, intimate and deeply seen. Kanzeon, another way of saying Kannon, the embodiment of compassion (in Sanskrit: Avalokiteshvara, in Tibetan: Chenrezi, in Chinese: Kuan Yin), can also be written in Japanese as “to see sounds.” Filmed on location in Kyushu, Japan.
Summer Pasture
Directed by Lynn True, Nelson Walker, Tsering Perlo
USA, China / 2010 / Tibetan with English subtitles / 85 min / Documentary

Summer Pasture is a complex and intimate portrayal of the world of a nomadic family on the Tibetan plateau at a time of profound historic change. Locho and Yama are nomadic herders who carve their existence from the land as their ancestors have for generations. But now, as traditional nomadic life confronts rapid modernization, Summer Pasture captures a family at a crossroads, ultimately revealing the profound sacrifice they will make to ensure their daughter’s future. Filmed on location in China.

For ticketing and venue information, please visit Apollo Piccadilly Circus. The booking schedule is expected soon.

New Music Profiles | Nehedar

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This profile is a first in a series for Frost magazine. We are profiling new music and trying to discover new artists. The artist might not be actually ‘new’, but someone who we think may be about to breakthrough or go onto another level of fame. They do say it takes ten years to become an overnight success….

Artist: Nehedar
Location: NYC
CD: High Tide
Release date: Out now.
Production: Craig Levy @ Little Pioneer Cider House, Brooklyn, NY
Websites: http://www.nehedar.com, www.facebook.com/nehedarmusic
Streaming link: http://music.nehedar.com/releases
Secure download link: http://www.mediafire.com/?8axodrg39c5ra2e
Styles: Indie Pop, Alternative, Singer-Songwriter
Similar to: Tracy Bonham, Aimee Man, Emma Pollock

Highlights/Accolades: Power Plant Beach was selected as one of Mother Jones Readers’ favorite albums of 2011. Emilia Cataldo was a finalist in the We R Indie singer songwriter contest in 2011. Nehedar provided most of the soundtrack to an upcoming independent film. (working title: Strike Anywhere Matches).

Nehedar is the project of New York-based singer-songwriter Emilia Cataldo.

The daughter of two New York musicians who fled urban life for the country, Cataldo was born in Southbridge, Massachusetts, where her family lived in a barn on the outskirts of town. Music always permeated their home – her mother a hippie piano teacher from a Jewish home & her father a Puerto Rican jazz saxophonist.

The Cataldo family which grew to six children, moved from Massachusetts, to Miami FL, & eventually to the religiously-infused town of Zion, Illinois, on the outskirts of Chicago where Cataldo briefly attended high school.

Cataldo quickly grew disenchanted with her small town surroundings. As soon as she was old enough, she left high school to travel the country, and later the world, on a journey that would eventually lead her to Israel, where she would study the Jewish faith in Seminary, and take on the Hebrew name Nehedar, which means ‘wonderful.’

In 2000, Cataldo settled in New York City, where she began writing & performing her own music in 2001 following a difficult period involving the loss of her mother to an aggressive brain tumor. She adopted ‘Nehedar’ as her stage-name & that of her band. Eventually, Cataldo would return to school to complete her B.A. in music at Stern College in Manhattan.

Nehedar has self-released five albums – Pick Your Battles in 2007, the critically-acclaimed Dreamlike in 2008, Pterodactyl Baby in 2009, Power Plant Beach in 2010 and just released her latest album High Tide on March 15, 2012. For the duration of her recording Nehedar has worked closely with Craig Levy of Little Pioneer Cider House in Brooklyn New York, although she has enjoyed experimenting with other producers. Nehedar’s backing band has included a revolving cast of friends and thereby changed shape over the years. Whenever possible Nehedar includes Luis Cataldo (her saxaphone playing father) in the mix.

While spanning indie-rock, folk, jazz and pop genres, the music of Nehedar has continued to deliver her blend of deeply personal lyrics, beautiful vocal harmonies & a variety of instrumentation. Momentary departures from strict chord progressions set her music apart, surely a result of her childhood spent listening to jazz. As a writer and performer she has enjoyed comparisons to Tracy Bonham, Bebel Gilberto and Ingrid Michaelson.

Calling all football fans! Win a training session with Anton Ferdinand

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Calling all football fans! Win a training session with Anton Ferdinand

A once in a lifetime opportunity is up for grabs for budding footballers and fans of Anton Ferdinand and Queens Park Rangers FC, all in the name of charity.

Premier League footballer Anton Ferdinand is taking time out from his rigorous training schedule to support Billi Mucklow and Cara Kilbey of The Only Way is Essex, who are aiming to raise a massive £10,000 for Samaritans. Anton is offering an hour’s football training session for ten lucky people, to help raise vital funds for the charity that answers more than 5 million calls a year from people who are struggling to cope.

To be in with a chance to win this dream prize, bidders need to take part in an online auction which is open now and will run until midday on Monday 2 April 2012. Place a bid now by visiting http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=150786207098 The 5 highest bidders will win the opportunity for them and a friend to attend a training session with Anton which will take place at Lucozade Powerleague Docklands on Wednesday 18 April at 2pm.

Anton said: “I’m really pleased that I am able to offer this prize and support Billi and Cara in their marathon challenge. Samaritans is a fantastic charity that offers 24 hour confidential support to anyone, no matter what the problem. Get bidding, I will make sure this is a training session you will never forget!”

On Sunday 22 April Billi and Cara, from The Only Way is Essex are running the Virgin London Marathon in aid of Samaritans. As well as putting themselves through a punishing training schedule in preparation for the 26.2 mile race, the girls have been busy enlisting their celebrity friends to help them reach their fundraising target.

Billi said: “Massive thanks to Anton for donating this prize and supporting us in our crazy quest!”
Cara continued: “We really believe in the work of Samaritans and hope that the general public get behind us and help us raise as much money as possible so the charity can continue their lifesaving work.”

To help Cara and Billi reach their huge fundraising target, please sponsor them by visiting their Virgin Money Giving page: www.virginmoneygiving.com/BilliandCara

Spring Cleaning tips to spritz your home

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Did you know the average family of four sheds up to 3lbs of skin per year? Or that your carpet can hold up to 2lbs of dirt per square foot? Surprisingly, despite these shocking facts over 80 per cent of homeowners have never washed their carpets!

As well as this, 45 per cent of homeowners don’t remove their shoes before walking on their carpets and worryingly, four out of ten people eat food which has been dropped on the floor.

With a rise in a hectic lifestyle and the onset of the economic downturn, the traditional Spring Clean is no longer a top priority which is why many of us rarely spend time or money deep cleaning our carpets.

Which is why Rug Doctor, the carpet cleaning experts have come up with some top tips for Frost Readers on how to do a spring cleaning that won’t burden your finances or your time!

1. Take it one room at a time

Make sure you plan ahead and choose where to begin, make a list of the areas you want to target and tackle them one step at a time. Be sure to budget time for distractions too-unexpected visitors and phone calls are inevitable!

2. Declutter before your clean

Always declutter before a polish, make sure your area is good to go before you don your gloves and spray.

3. Deep clean those carpets

Nothing refreshes a room more than a clean carpet.

4. Make your vases blooming lovely

What better way to freshen up your home than with a bunch of sweet-smelling blooms. Handpick some flowers from your garden for a sweet-smelling aroma.

5. Add a splash of vinegar to make those windows shine

A top tip for making those windows squeaky clean is to add some vinegar to water and spray onto the glass, then simply wipe clean with a dust free cloth.

6. Care for your curtains

Are your curtains looking drab? Well take them down, remove the hooks and give them a quick cycle in the dryer with a wet towel to rid the dust.

7. Revamp your wardrobe

Empty your wardrobe of all your clothes and give it a good scrub, you never know you might find a couple of items you’d forgotten about too.

8. Open the windows for fresh air

Winter is over so open up those windows and let the good fresh air billow through your home.

9. Start from the top and work your way down

With each room start at the ceiling and get rid of the cobwebs before working your way down walls and finishing with the floor.

10. Get the kids to lend a hand

Share the workload with your loved ones, even the most unwilling helper can make a big difference in the work load.

CELEBS TWEET IN SUPPORT OF DROP4DROP FOR WORLD WATER DAY

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Twitter is good for so many things, but the main one is raising awareness, and this week celebrities tweeted in aid of Drop4Drop.

March 22nd was World Water Day. Rihanna, Cheryl Cole, Russell Simons, Stephen Fry, Paloma Faith and Rob Thomas have all tweeted in support of drop4drop to get clean water for all. Follow @lifewater_ and @drop4drop.

Life water is the British bottled water company founded by Simon Konecki and Lucas White. drop4drop is Life water’s charity and was also founded by Simon and Lucas.

The Next Sub-Prime Mortgage Crisis – We Have Learnt Nothing

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Some lessons are never learned and the boom and bust of the housing market is one of them. As we finish one housing crash we are already setting ourselves up for the next one. The seeds for the next sub-prime mortgage crisis have already been sown.

It stems from a desire by all parties to encourage people to buy their own homes and keep house prices going up. This results in an unsustainable boom followed by a sharp correction, all to the detriment of stability and economic growth.

Everyone from the building companies, estate agents, mortgage brokers, banks, government, owners and even buyers all want to see the market rise. Prior to the crash we had mortgages being offered for 120% of a home’s value. We now have offers encouraging people to buy houses which are equally or more dangerous.

The reality of the situation is that house buyers (particularly first time buyers) are not earning enough to get onto the housing ladder at the moment. There simply isn’t the demand.

Desperate to sell the houses on their books, Estate agents and builders have been offering shared equity solutions to first time buyers. The buyer only buys a percentage of the property (making it more affordable and much easier for them to get a mortgage). They then pay rent to the building company on the percentage they do not own. The scheme is all over housing websites. The government has been encouraging this scheme. In fact it is taking part in it.

On the face of it the scheme looks attractive. I admit even being interested in it myself initially. However once you understand the motives behind it and the reality of it we see how dangerous it can be.

You can see how it can become very expensive for someone who takes on this scheme. They are paying a mortgage, rent and service charges, not to mention maintaining 100% of a property they don’t fully own.

Many newspapers were initially very critical, until building companies started taking ads out in their papers advertising the scheme.

The service charges and rent often rocket and the homes are almost impossible to sell leaving owners completely trapped even when they need to move in an emergency. You can read some people’s nightmare experiences here.

Now, in what can only be described as utter madness, the UK government’s latest plan is to guarantee 95% mortgages. The ‘New Buy’ or mortgage indemnity scheme (MIG) only requires a 5% deposit from the buyer and if they default the government will pick up the tab along with the bank.

The government is trying to artificially inflate demand in the short term to boost the construction sector and push house prices up so everyone feels wealthier. This should also boost consumer spending and the economy as a whole. But this is a typically short term politically motivated view. The current government cares nothing for a future crisis which might occur in 10 years’ time. At some point the market will have to correct to an equilibrium level and the more we inflate prices artificially the bigger that crash will be. All the jobs created will be lost along with many more as well.

Nothing has been learnt from the recent crisis. With a government guarantee, banks and mortgage brokers will be flogging mortgages to anyone they can. This is exactly what happened before the recent crisis in America. Just look at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

When prices do start to fall owners will have no incentive to keep paying their mortgages as they move into negative equity. If house prices fall by 20% and you have only put down a 5% deposit what incentive do you have to keep paying the mortgage? As prices continue to fall this gets worse and turns into a negative cycle.

When the bubble does burst the ensuing crisis will be just like the recent one, except this time instead of the banks bearing the brunt of the loses, it will be the you and I the taxpayer.

Unfortunately we never learn from our mistakes. We must stop creating these damaging bubbles. We should just let the housing market correct itself naturally; unfortunately the government just can’t help itself. It is now just a matter of time before the next major sub-prime mortgage crisis. I just hope we can survive the fallout.

Leading scientists ask British public to measure their sleep

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· International survey findings to be discussed at The Times Cheltenham Science Festival

· What is sleep, why do we need it and how much of it do we really require?

Researchers from the universities of Oxford and Munich have called on the British public to contribute to an international survey looking at the quantity – and quality – of sleep amongst the population.

Professor Russell Foster, Chair of The Times Cheltenham Science Festival, and Professor Dr Till Roenneberg from Ludwig-Maximilians-Universität München, who are both experts in chronobiology – the study of the circadian rhythms which govern our waking and sleeping patterns, and their interaction with daylight – will discuss the responses to the survey at the Festival in June 2012. The pair will discuss the regenerative powers of sleep as well as comparing and contrasting the sleep patterns of the UK respondents with their continental counterparts.

The survey takes just a few minutes to complete online, and asks questions relating to work schedule, differing sleep habits during the week and at the weekend, consumption of alcoholic and caffeinated drinks, exposure to cigarettes and the time taken to fall asleep each night.

So far, more than 65,000 people in Germany have taken Professor Dr Roenneberg’s simple online survey relating their sleeping habits, and the scientists are keen to capture more data relating to the British population.

Russell Foster, a professor of circadian neuroscience at Brasenose College, Oxford, and Chair of The Times Cheltenham Science Festival said, “We felt that the arrival of British Summer Time, with its lighter mornings and longer evenings – plus people perhaps feeling like they’ve ‘lost’ an hour’s sleep – was an excellent moment to get people thinking about the quality and quantity of sleep they get.

“With the help of this questionnaire, we aim to understand the underlying complexity of the biological clock by gathering a picture of everyday behaviour. We all know that individuals show distinct preferences for various activities over the course of a day. A simple example is the time at which an individual prefers to go to bed and get up. Collecting this information will help us understand how and why the biological clock ticks.”

Each participant will receive a personal profile which evaluates their chronotype, and compares their results to those of other participants. A person’s chronotype relates to their preference for mornings or evenings – those who are at their best at the crack of dawn are often described as ‘larks’, whereas people who brighten up in the evenings are known as ‘owls’.

Professor Dr Till Roenneberg, of the Munich Centre of Chronobiology, Ludwig-Maximilians-Universität München, adds, “It will be particularly interesting to gather more information on British sleep patterns in order to compare chronotypes of people living in different geographical locations.

“This will enable us to consider factors such as longitude and latitude, which can make a difference to the amount of daylight to which people are exposed.”

People are encouraged to take the survey online.

Professor Russell Foster will be talking about the regenerative power of sleep at The Times Cheltenham Science Festival on Tuesday 12 June 2012 at 6:30pm.

Priority booking is open to Cheltenham Festivals Members from Monday 26th March, ahead of public booking from 2nd April. The full programme is available at www.cheltenhamfestivals.com/science

THE VOICE: WEEK 1.

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Right!

Before we start, before we even think about starting and are still in bed scrambling for the snooze button, let’s get something very clear indeed.

‘The Voice’ ISN’T about finding a voice.

Let’s just knock that idea on the head and put it in a dark corner to come round in its own time and wander off unnoticed shall we?

The notion that this is all about pure singing ability and nothing else is so absurd that it’s forced me to use the words, ‘notion’ and ‘absurd’ and I’m not even in a period drama.

The number of indicators that disprove the title are far too numerous to list here but the opening couple of contestants pretty much said it all.

We open with a 17-year-old who’s first sentence is about how important songwriting is to her and how she’s always getting picked on.

BOOM!

That’s pretty much all you need to hear. Instantly we know that this, just like ‘X-Factor’ is about milking some undiscovered talent for phone votes. If you haven’t got a back-story that will have us all wiping tears from the screens of our mobiles then forget it.

Jessica played a Jessie Jay song- what were the odds? Sang about as well as your average teenager who can sing. Mascara flowed backstage and mindless teenies screamed out front.

What should have happened was the judges eventually turn around, once the singing has stopped, and tell her they didn’t pick her because even though she could probably get by as a performer, this show is all about The Voice and there are more chops in Paul McCartney’s fridge.

Instead, all four judges wanted to work with her like she’d just invented singing from scratch, and Will.i.am…Will.I.Am.. Will- sod it, Bill, offered her global success and record deals in every country he could think of before anyone else had even spoken. When they did, it wasn’t really worth it.
Hmmm. That was kind of easy. Well done Jessica- or ‘The New Whitney’ as we should probably call her. Bullseye! Lets send the crew home- job done! Lights off Tom, last one down the Grammies pays for the Chrystal!

Jessica, now, a middle-of-the-road, unheard-of teenager with a single, bog-standard performance to her name, has the unenviable task of telling someone who has produced Michael Jackson why she’s not picking him. It was like ‘Blind Date goes to Hollywood’ and little Billy was snubbed in favour of Miss. J. because ‘number one hits don’t matter’ to our little Irish Superstar. She’s ‘a songwriter’ and it’s all about ‘making music and sharing my message.’

WOAH!! No it’s not- not to us anyway! Not here on ‘The Voice’! Anywhere but here surely? Come on!
It’s all about THE VOICE isn’t it? I’m no vocal coach but I know she’s vocally about as unique as a pair of Crocs.

I had to take a moment. I had to slap myself in the face and grow up a little.
My hopes that this would carry the integrity the BBC usually floats above all other channels on, was misguided. How silly of me for thinking it might do what it says on the tin (what it ‘reads’ on the tin actually because tins can’t speak- but I digress) and be just about finding the best voice in the country. How naïve can I be?

If they wanted to find the best voice in the country they would have done it differently and would almost certainly be choosing mostly professionals why? Well because life’s like that. They’re professionals for a reason.

Don’t get me wrong, there are examples of undiscovered gems that only a talent show can unearth- over on the other side in the ‘shallow lands’ of ITV we had a teenage fat lad on BGT that had me crying so hard I got snot on the dogs.

HE should have been on The Voice- it was made precisely for people like him.
Even a half-deaf nobody like me could hear that his voice was up there- WAY up there. Better (in my view of course) than Russell Watson… now what’s his nickname again? And Paul Potts- not to be confused with Pol Pot under any circumstances, and even the Susan ‘Bovine’ Boyle. This kid has a truly amazing voice. But instead of having Tom Jones on his feet shouting the Louis Walsh anthem- “You’re what this show is all about!” He was having his chins stared up at by Carmen Electra who’s about as appropriate a judge of anything but nipple bronzer and smiling through ‘pout cramp’ as Jessie Jay is on making it in spite of being fat and ugly.

Breathe…. Find a happy place… it’s only TV.

So, with my new awareness of The Voice fully updated I watched on while, somewhere in my subconscious, there was yet another memorial service for a little bit of my soul.

Next up we had Sean- formerly of boy band ‘FIVE’… ‘5IVE’… ‘FIV5’?- sod it ‘V’. He suffered the ignominy of four chair backs and smiled through the tumbleweed. The judges turned and told him what an amazing voice he had and that they just ‘couldn’t see what they could do’ for him? Well picking him would have been a start. Jessie said she would love to listen to his voice all day, at home. Well, unless he comes round to fit her new kitchen, she’s not gonna get the chance now is she? His voice wasn’t great so, in this instance, they were right but the cracks in the premise of this show were already so clear it was like skydiving over the Grand Canyon and we were only two songs in. Sean could have had the voice of an angel but his story and his lack of anonymity had sealed his fate before he drew breath.

And so it went on, We had a lady with a good voice and a bald head who I, and I suspect the entire audience, felt a little robbed of their emotion by when she announced it was alopecia. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a horrible thing to happen to anyone, especially a woman trying to make it as a singer. But in the world of unintentionally bald women it’s something of a best-case-scenario.

We had an overweight, slightly effeminate Adele impersonator and Tom Jones fan. Surprisingly only one judge turned around- it was Tom… what did you say those odds were again? He was a good singer with a great personality. They all said they thought it was a woman singing and then Tom, clearly not on message, said he thought he sounded like him and, as the laws of inevitability crashed into his lap, then had to turn and ask the other judges if they thought he sounded like a woman too?

When Tom Jones has to ask people who have been chosen to judge singing talent if he sounds like a woman it’s time to throw your glitter wig into a bucket and ride out-of-town.

This is my biggest problem with ‘The Voice’- the judging process.

I like, and respect, all the judges and when I heard that TJ was one of them I instantly expected him to do what everyone wants from this show. I like Jessie and Bill and Danny from The Script. All quality judges- and not a Carmen Electra amongst them. This is what the BBC does but it usually makes its own programs and doesn’t buy them in. When it does we get this.

This was the first episode and by the end we already had Tom and Bill dropping names like they were playing Top Trumps and it had turned into a judge fight just like all the others that follow the laws as dictated by the much-thumbed ‘how to make talent shows’ by S. Cowell.

They’d run out of pleas, were bereft of ways to sell themselves to their prospective protégés and had to resort to flirting, begging and bragging by the end credits.

We’ve got an entire series to go yet!

Instead of the show allowing them to say, “Sorry mate but I can’t see how I’m going to discover you if you’ve already been discovered.” Which would be fair enough on the X-Factor. They have to keep it all about the singing, even though it’s clearly not, or they’ll get plebs like me complaining in our dozens. So someone with a voice like a toddler murmuring from the far end of a storm gets offered world domination and someone with a great voice but no back story will be told they’re ‘pitchy’ or not ‘leading’ enough instead by a woman who owes a large part of her success to skin-tight lycra.

I know I need to relax and just enjoy it. I will, I promise. But for now I can’t help but despair at what seemed like something new being the same old crap as everything else but with a new gimmick.

Shame really… still, can’t wait till next week!