Category Archives: Real Life

Acting Up! Returning to a Life Less Ordinary

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Well, it’s been a funny old year. About this time in 2010, I was sitting at a desk in a soulless office, writing websites, drinking coffee and watching my life and my ambitions swirl slowly down the drain. I’d only taken the job to pay for my wedding and already it had taken over my life, and not in a good way.

I was depressed. This wasn’t me. I’d been touring theatre and producing shows since I was 17. I was a performer, a creative thinker. Now here I was, getting fatter, grumpier and watching my life hit a brick wall in teeth-shattering slow motion.

So I stopped. One day I just walked into work and told my employers, in an embarrassingly polite, wet liberal way, where they could stick their job (“Sorry! I hope it’s not too inconvenient, I know you’re busy.”)

Some people said that I was insane. Mind-bogglingly, eye-wateringly insane. I’d just resigned from a secure, reasonably well paid job in the middle of a recession. Insane!

But there were others who said something quite, quite different.

They said “Well done”. They even used the word, and I’m embarrassed to repeat it because I still don’t really believe them, “brave”.

Truth be told, I’m not insane. I’m not particularly brave either. I just made a choice. Move sideways into another dead end job or move forward into a career that I actually enjoyed. Simple really.

But has it worked? Am I happier, more fulfilled, more engaged and more successful now that I’m back in on stage and screen?

Well over the next few weeks I’m going to be sharing my experiences, thoughts, triumphs and failures with the readers of Frost Magazine. There have been good times, bad times and just-plain-weird times. I’ll also be sharing a bit of the wisdom I’ve learnt from casting directors and actors along the way.

But first, I’ll leave you with a question; What is the most impulsive choice you’ve ever made,… and did it work?

You can find out more about Tim Austin at his WordPress page; http://actortim.wordpress.com.

Check back next Wednesday for more Acting Up!

Fate on the London Fringe

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‘As Fate Would Have It’, produced by LittleBerry Productions, is the debut play of up and coming playwright Phoebe Hunt. It follows the two possible lives of a couple, Damien and Grace, who agree to toss a coin to decide whether they stay together or break up. The story unfolds with episodic scenes following both strands of possibility. In one strand, the couple stay together, continuing the increasingly unhealthy habit of making decisions by the flip of the coin. In the other strand, they break up, setting Grace free, while Damien continues to allow the coin to decide his fate.

As Grace, Phoebe Hunt made the most of the challenging transitions between depression (when with Damien) and glee (when set free from his ever increasing evil clutches). Her bright-eyed smile allowed the audience some breathing room, giving us a break from the relentless tension, and the pathos of her alternate situation. Jamie Hutchins, playing Damien, gave a very specific performance, in both vocal quality and physicality. The way he tossed a coin to make a decision for the very first time, uncertain and tentative, said a lot about his journey when contrasted with his eventual habitual attachment to the ten pence piece. Dinarte Gouveia (Michael) delivered his frequent comic lines from the heart, without force, and Jamila Jennings-Grant (Agatha) gave the audience a voice of reason, with her powerful portrayal of the best friend a girl in a bad relationship could have.

The entire play was accompanied by the composition and live performance of Matt Gaydon on the guitar. Whilst the music added a lot to the moments of heightened emotion, I personally found it occasionally contrasted the feelings expressed by the actors, and needed more variation in melody. Saying that, it served an important purpose when signifying to the audience that we were now changing episode from one strand of reality to its alternate, and back.

The script is cleverly written, though sometimes merging style between naturalism and poeticism, occasionally making believable delivery difficult. Though I admired the unrushed scene changes upstage, the activity downstage could have been more engaging in order to distract us from the movement of furniture. Otherwise, Cat Robey’s direction encouraged high stakes, and a gradual build towards a thoroughly gripping climax.

“As Fate Would Have It’ plays at The Space, Isle of Dogs on the 10th and 11th August, and at The Lion and Unicorn on 14th and 15th August. It is definitely worth a watch, but if you can’t make it, keep an eye out for future productions by LittleBerry Productions.

Conspiracy Theories: A New Religion?

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In recent times conspiracy theories have become increasingly popular. We’ve heard a torrent of theories surrounding bin Laden’s death and questions over president Obamas birth.

As our society becomes increasingly secular, people are struggling to find the meaning religion previously provided. Some people are turning to the church of celebrity, others to virtual online games and some to the world of conspiracy theories.

The rise of the internet and poor communication from our governments is also to blame.
Are any conspiracy theories true? Are they a good or a bad thing?

Well first off there are some fools out there who instantly slam anything labeled a conspiracy theory. That is certainly not my philosophy. I believe in questioning anything and everything. It is only by doubting things that we can reveal the truth. People should never blindly accept what they are told, particularly by governments, most of whom have a history of lying.

This said there has been a worrying trend for conspiracy theories to become ever more wild and extreme. It is fine to question things but what worries me is when theories are presented as facts.

Part of the problem is that conspiracy theories have now become a multi-billion dollar industry led by the likes of Alex Jones. America still remains obsessed over the JFK killings for example. Too keep the industry going, Jones and others have to keep coming up with new and increasingly wild stories. Jones’s latest is that bin Laden has been ‘literally frozen’ for years to be rolled out by the US at a later date, this despite any evidence.

Fox news host Glenn Beck has also joined in. His latest that bin Laden was captured to stop him revealing the location of an al-Qaeda nuclear bomb. Why the US government would do this is anyone’s guess, Beck didn’t offer an explanation.

If we’re not careful we get into the realm of wild speculation and this is very dangerous. Firstly the more conspiracy theories, and ‘noise’ there is, the less credibility any of them have. If there ever was or is a real conspiracy theory it would be lost in the plethora of fake ones. It has been said bin Laden was given up by Pakistan to get the US out of Afghanistan and also that he was killed as a pretext for a war in Pakistan, it certainly can’t be both.

Secondly conspiracy theories have become a religion for some. Rather than questioning and doubting things rationally people are becoming obsessed with their ideas. Instead of critically evaluating their theories they obsessively defend them, much like in many religions. This is unhealthy and damages our democracy and freedoms.

‘Studies in psychology have demonstrated, among other things, a consistent pattern of avoiding evidence that contradicts an initial hypothesis; irrepressible overconfidence in one’s own judgment’. (http://www.miller-mccune.com/culture/why-bin-laden-death-photos-wont-change-minds-30966/)

Why? For many a conspiracy theory can be a means of giving one’s life meaning. It gives people something to fight against, an evil to be stopped. Sometimes, even unconsciously, we will fight against that thing being taken away.

Keep questioning and doubting. NEVER STOP. Don’t let your own theories enslave you. Conspiracy theories should never become a religion.

A NEW PSYCHOLOGICAL CONDITION HITS BRITAIN – ‘WEEKENDVY’

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OVER A QUARTER OF BRITONS LIE ABOUT THEIR WEEKEND ACTIVITIES IN ORDER TO IMPRESS OTHERS

One in four Britons is suffering from a new psychological condition – called ‘Weekendvy’, a new study out today has revealed. ‘Weekendvy’ means we are ‘economical with the truth’ when confronted by colleagues and friends at the start of the week – when asked “How was your weekend?”

The study commissioned by Travelodge surveyed 5,000 adults to investigate how Britons spend their weekend in today’s high technology world.

Findings revealed the pressure for Britons to have an action packed fun weekend is so high that over a quarter of (27%) of adults will lie, about what they got up to over the weekend – in order to sound cool and impress others.

Britons are hit the hardest by the psychological condition – ‘Weekendvy’ on Monday morning especially within the workplace and when updating their Facebook page.

The top five most popular activities Britons will pretend they did over the weekend when they didn’t are:

1. Paint the town red on Saturday night with their partner or friend

2. Visited friends

3. Went to a dinner party

4. Went out for a romantic meal

5. Took a short break – when really they just re-told of an old experience where they took a UK short break and made it sound like they went at the weekend

Top UK Psychologist, Corinne Sweet commented on the findings and said: “The Travelodge weekend study has exposed a new psychological condition we Brits are suffering from: ‘Weekendvy’. It’s to do with needing to feel like an ‘Alpha’ male or female, with high status. As we don’t want to admit that most of our weekend time is spent trying to catch up with housework, paperwork and lost sleep. It’s the horrible feeling that everyone else is having a better time than us, going away, partying or having fun. No-one likes to think of themselves as lonely, or boring, so we like to create a psychological ‘smoke-screen’ pretending, a bit like Bridget Jones, that we’re having a wonderful time, when we’re not.

‘Weekendvy’ means we pretend we’re having romantic weekend breaks, learning new skills, or having wonderful sex, when in fact most of us are trying to catch up on lost sleep and overwhelming household chores and paperwork.”

Listed below are the top seven regions where adults are hardest hit by ‘Weekendvy‘:

1. Wales

2. London

3. West Midlands / Scotland

4. North West / South East / North East

5. Yorkshire

6. Yorkshire

7. East Anglia

Further findings from the report revealed the stresses and pressures of living in a fast paced 24 / 7 culture is certainly taking its toll as one in three Britons reported their weekend is just becoming an extension of their working week due to work commitments.

Twenty nine per cent of adults stated they are so exhausted and tired by Friday evening that they regularly spend their weekend catching up on sleep.

Four out ten adults surveyed stated they wish they could have more fun at the weekends like they use to be able to due.

One in ten adults stated that they do not get any time for themselves during the weekend as their time is taken up with family commitments.

The report also revealed traditional weekend rituals such as the traditional Sunday lie-in and having a Sunday roast dinner are also on the decline. Just 23% of adults reported they have a regular lie in on a Sunday morning with the average lie-in being one hour and four minutes. Twenty one per cent of respondents reported they have a traditional roast dinner every Sunday, with chicken being the top choice followed by beef and pork. In addition only 12% of adults go to Church on a Sunday.

Other key findings from the report included:

· Forty four per cent of adults reported they wish they could have more fun at the weekend.

· Thirty four per cent of respondents stated they wish they could get out more at the weekends and explore the UK.

· Twenty one per cent of adults feel their friends and work colleagues have more fun than they do at the weekend.

· Twenty six per cent of respondents reported they wish they could be more spontaneous at the weekend.

· Eighteen per cent of Britons has never taken a UK short break.

The report also revealed that on average Britons spend 21 days a year (two a week) at work making weekend arrangements. With Monday morning, Wednesday and Thursday afternoon being the peak arrangement times to email and make calls.

Travelodge Spokeswoman, Shakila Ahmed said: “It’s time to reclaim our weekend. Who hasn’t sat down on Sunday evening and wondered where the weekend went? With more of us working longer hours, these two precious days designed for rest and recuperation are too often consumed by a whirl of duties and catching up with ourselves. You can cure ‘Weekendvy’, with a few tweaks to your routine, a little originality and ingenuity and you can make the world of difference to your lifestyle.

To help Britons reclaim their weekend, Travelodge is offering thousands of £19 rooms across the UK for a quick getaway. It’s amazing what’s on your doorstep within hours you could be at the seaside or exploring one of the UK’s great 66 cities.”

Listed below are some tips to help Britons reclaim their weekend:

1. Jot Down A Plan For The Weekend – By creating a plan you are more likely to make time for fun and stop shopping, cleaning, cooking, and chores dominating your weekend.

2. Shift The Chores To Weekdays – Do the supermarket run, house cleaning or laundry on Thursday or Friday night.

3. Get Out Of Bed At The Same Time As Weekdays – Don’t lose half the day under the duvet. In addition to freeing up more time for your weekend fun, you’ll also regulate your body clock better and avoid that Monday morning “hungover” feeling.

4. Make One Day A Fun Day – Don’t let errands and work spread to both Saturday and Sunday. Make one day for activities that makes you happy.

The table below highlights the different types of chores that take up Britons time over the weekend

Time Hrs

Activities

1:45

Food shopping

2.00

Running errands such as picking up dry-cleaning or shopping for a particular item

2.00

Gym or exercise

2.35

Catching up with work emails and work

2.00

Catching up with programmes recorded on Skyplus during the week

2.00

Visiting parents or other family members

2.45

Catching up on housework

1.00

Paying bills and catching up on paperwork

1.50

Laundry

1.00

Change and make the beds

1.16

Catch up on emails and update social network sites

3.00

Adults who have children – Taxi service taking kids to parties and their activities

4.25

Cooking meals over the weekend

2.00

Doing DIY or gardening jobs around the house

0.45

Reading the weekend papers

0.45

Preparing for the week ahead

The Joy of Teen Sex?

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America is not impressed. Teens are having sex, and MTV is doing f***all to discourage them. As if showing Miley Cyrus’s videos on an hourly rotation isn’t abominable enough (AOL has voted her the worst celebrity influence for the second year in a row – why such a poll was considered necessary, or how Taylor Momsen slipped through the net who knows), the channel is currently airing a brand-new US version of Skins, the cult UK TV show thanks to which youngsters all over Britain have been snorting cocaine and having barely legal lesbian sex after and (more likely) during school hours since 2007. American parents, advertisers and activists are protesting, claiming that the show exhibits child pornography and violates legal requirements to protect young viewers and the teen actors themselves.

In one sense, I sympathise. I feel like I can’t switch the TV on these days without catching a glimpse of sexually hyperbolic children. During last Wednesday’s episode of The Joy of Teen Sex the nation was treated to one youngster’s cringetastic first attempt to ‘go down’ on his girlfriend having just overcome his chronic fear of vaginas. Cue applause from the cameramen?

Now it’s not that long since I was a teen (those who saw my last column will know I cling to youth with a desperation to rival Dorian Gray). However, as a mildly antisocial specimen I wasn’t privy to what one might call the full spectrum of experience early on. I wasn’t (quite) a complete dork, but I was nevertheless more an Inbetweener than an Effy (see below – notorious and sorely missed UK Skins character seasons one through four – I will cool off the TV references soon I promise). When a friend recently told me that he “was getting head in year eight at the school disco, and was one of the later ones,” I was taken aback.  I have a brother in year eight, perhaps why I found this particularly disturbing.

Left-right: Freddie, Effy, Cook and Panda- UK Skins gang seasons three and four

I remember a definite ‘awakening’ occurring during my mid-teens however. For example, I recall a year nine English lesson during which a friend and I compared what we’d done over the weekend. I had written an essay, ironically on Romeo and Juliet – an early parable about the potential hazards of teen sex. She’d given her boyfriend a blowjob during Shrek at the cinema. “WHY???” I gawped.  “He wanted one,” she shrugged.

Obviously there had been various infamous events: “I heard she had an abortion when she was 12,” “they had sex on the beach during the year nine Isle Of Wight trip and TEACHERS FOUND THEM,” and house parties were, by year ten, synonymous with all manner of sexual hijinks. Still, I wasn’t quite prepared for this revelation from a hitherto very shy and retiring girl. But it was not an outrageously outlandish example, and rightly or wrongly, a good proportion of my year had swapped fluids by via one means or another by the time they sat their GCSES.

More recently, I was chatting with a 14-year-old girl when the question of BOYS came up. Ah, I thought, a chance to share the wisdom of years, perhaps help my young friend avoid some of the pitfalls into which I in my naïve youth had fallen. What was the problem, I asked? “Well my last boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn’t give him a blow job. It was kind of unfair, as I had ‘received’, but wasn’t ‘giving’, yano? I mean I’m not at all what you would call frigid, but I just didn’t fancy it. Also the guy I like smokes, and I used to LOADS but I quit a year ago and I really don’t want to start again, and I’m worried if I go out with him I will.”

I took a deep breath. Then I told her as tactfully as possible that her ex was an asshole she was best shot of, and that perhaps she might prove a healthy influence on the new guy and get him to quit smoking. The admittedly tenuous point is that the decisions and attitude she expressed to me in no way mirrored what she had seen on the box the previous night (she likes QI). Furthermore, she rightly stopped when she felt uncomfortable, and this can probably be attributed to her own resolve rather than abstinence from inappropriate television.

The argument I’m havng a semi-arsed attempt at making is that teens are going to have sex whether their parents like it or not. At least some of them. We should accept this, and as they say in The Joy of Teen Sex, the main thing is that it is safe and consensual. Though Skins might be amplifying the fantasies of the Inbetweeners crowd more aggressively than Glee (I lied about the reference thing), if parents are to complain, I’d argue that the smoking/narcotics-related element of proceedings is more worthy of their energy. I personally found the total departure from any attempt at a cohesive or engaging plot in last week’s episode infinitely more offensive than the frequent references to f***ing.

Obviously the second my brother goes anywhere near a girl with the intention of touching anything other than her hand I’ll be whacking a chastity belt on him faster than he can say ‘hypocrite’.


Bambi legs: Holly Thomas dips her toe into the icy pool of freelance journalism

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Age is a sensitive issue. ­ From childhood, we are taught that there can be no more heinous insult than to enquire as to a stranger’s vintage. I never really understood why until now.

Despite my youth, given the choice between a student debt-clearing windfall or three years wiped off my passport, I would choose the latter without a blink. Because there is nothing more depressing than awaiting the arrival of another birthday without feeling that you’ve achieved anything to merit celebration, and in the bleak knowledge that you’re another year closer to expiring. And when said achievement is largely dependent on the procurement of a job, or at the very least, sufficient work to keep financially afloat, it’s fairly tempting to climb under the covers with a tub of (cheap) ice cream and eat your way into chilly depression as your pride wrestles with the desire to call Mum and tell her to ‘come get you’.

Yes kids, this is what happens to optimism when you enter the world of freelance journalism.

Perhaps I sound unduly pessimistic. I only graduated in July. However, let us consider the landscape: I took a gap year. I also took a break for personal reasons after university [read: I went home for a few months, confronted a less than savoury family situation, ate an obscene quantity of chocolate, found that didn’t help, and so moved to London]. BUT there are people more organised than me who didn’t take gap years, jumped on the application wagon during their third year, and are now, at the age of 21, sitting pretty in their first job and well on their way to having ‘a life’.

Not everyone of course, we’re talking about the blessed few upon whom karma smiled, and who of course had the acumen to think ahead. But you see what I mean. Once stuck in professional no-man’s land, it’s pretty damn hard to claw your way out, especially when you’re aiming for a job in a competitive field such as journalism (hi), which requires evidence of busy labour. “But I have a first class degree, a bagful of awards and a pretty sweet list of work experience placements”. Nope, unless you’ve been employed by a respectable (ie: widely circulated) publication for at least a year OR have a helluva good specialised qualification, you are barely worth the gum on the heel of that elusive editor who refuses to answer your emails.

What happened though? When did the outlook become so bereft of any hope? And when did we supposedly bright young things become such ungrateful, acrid husks of woe? After all, a few decades ago my main concern would have been the hunt for a groom to worry about all this job malarky on behalf of us both. Now that’s only plan two (*JOKE. Unless things get really bad).

The recession (I’m really sick of that word, so that will be the only time I whisper its bromidic name in the course of this moan, er, article) obviously hasn’t helped.  The unrealistic glamorisation of the hack trade, has, I think, also added rather to the numbers of aspiring scribes clamouring for their slice of the journo pie.

Take Twitter for example. I joined a couple of months ago because it appears to be the ‘done thing’. And thanks to Twitter, I am now privy to the minutiae of the lives of almost every well-known journalist one might care to name.  And this doesn’t just entail their personal opinions on the hot topics of the day, but actual titbits (or jaw breaking gobfuls) of their home lives. And what fabulous lives they are.

Initially, I must confess to having felt a hint of jealousy. When, for example, India Knight and Caitlin Moran, both highly successful and extremely talented self-made journalists tweet each other to arrange celebratory cocktails “when you’ve finished your book” (and we know that this book will inevitably sell by the bucket load), the figurative stomach thunders with hunger for that lifestyle – the luxury to type away in one’s beautiful London home safe in the certainty that the fruits of your labour will comfortably furnish an entire Christmas shop within the hallowed confines of Selfridges and Harvey Nichols.­

I wouldn’t dream of suggesting that this is undeserved, or that these fortunate women didn’t have to pay their dues and work their way up. But things have undeniably changed in the last couple of decades, and whilst deeply painful to accept, we ‘newbies’ (until October that is) must either find something else to do or acknowledge the fact that we’re just going to have to suck it up and endure whatever it takes to get ahead.

SO if you can’t afford an MA or quickie journalism course (I can’t), write. Get a blog. Learn your stuff. Apply for things. Obviously learn how to use InDesign, WordPress, etc. But to be honest, though all the technological fireworks look pretty on a CV, ultimately the key thing is to be good and be motivated. And be interested. It doesn’t matter what your topic is; be it music, film, fashion, the environment (gulp), whatever, keep up to date so that when your dream job comes up you’ll ace the interview. Don’t be picky.

Frankly, if you’re actually talented you don’t need loads of serious writing practice. Just take what relevant work you can, suck up, be prepared to make tea and copies, and thank your lucky stars you have somewhere to go in the mornings. And most importantly, find the thing that spurs you on, cling to it like a limpet, and let it push you forward. For me, that’s watching India and Caitlin on Twitter, and imagining the day when I too will have 57,000 followers (sounds quite cult-like doesn’t it) and can afford to stuff myself to the gills with organic goodies bought online and delivered to my W1 door.

Guinness World Records Announce Largest Santa Claus Collection.

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Retired Canadian teacher enters the Guinness World Records™ 2011 edition with world’s ‘Largest Collection of Santa Claus Memorabilia’

Jean-Guy’s 25,000-piece collection fills his entire house!

74-year-old Jean-Guy Laquerre from Boucherville, Quebec, today celebrates being officially recognised as the biggest collector of Santa Claus-themed memorabilia in the world, having accumulated an incredible 25,189 items from 33 countries over the past 22 years. His record-breaking collection, which is still growing in size, has earned him a place in the Guinness World Records 2011 edition and will also feature as part of the new Guinness World Records iPad app Guinness World Records: At Your Fingertips, which launches today on the iTunes store.

Jean-Guy began his collection in 1988 after being left a Santa Claus statuette from the early 1900s by a deceased relative. This touching gesture inspired him to start hunting for everything Santa-related, from postcards and brooches to toys and posters. And just like Santa, in his bid to keep expanding his collection, Jean-Guy has his own band of helpers – friends rather than elves! – that send him gifts from antique shops and garage sales, to help boost his assortment of Father Christmas merchandise.

Now the enthusiast has been rewarded with a certificate, a place in the 2011 edition book and will also feature in the new Guinness World Records app which launches today. Commenting on his record-breaking collection, Jean-Guy said: “To be included in the Guinness World Records book is a big honour. It’s the best of the best, the top of the top – like being an Olympic gold medal winner! Being part of the iPad app gives me even more joy as it will help spread the happiness my collection brings to people.”

Guinness World Records Editor-in-chief Craig Glenday says: “Jean-Guy personifies the magic of Christmas ­ his collection is a joy to behold and brings a smile to the face of even the most hardened of cynics. He’s the kind of grandfather that every child would want!”

An ideal Christmas gift for both knowledge-seekers and aspiring record-breakers of all ages, Guinness World Records 2011 edition is available now from all good book retailers (RRP £20).

The Guinness World Records app Guinness World Records: At Your Fingertips launches today, delivering more than 150 photographs, 140 records, 20 stunning video clips, and three exclusive games that enable iPad users – for the first time ever – to be able to attempt and set real Guinness World Records straight from their iPad.

Guinness World Records: At Your Fingertips is available now at the iTunes Store for £2.99. For more information visit http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/ipad.aspx

Catherine Balavage on the death of her Grandfather.

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In 2008 my Grandfather, Henry Anderson. Known as Harry, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Upon finding this out I felt two things 1) Denial. The Doctors did not know what they were talking about. 2) If true, I should spend as much time with my grandfather as possible, as he would probably die soon. There was a certain numbness to this. In knowing it was true, I could not comprehend it. It did not seem possible.

The author with her grandfather, Harry Anderson.

The author with her grandfather, Harry Anderson.

When I was younger we had a cat. The cat got old and grey. I knew it would die soon. I talked to my mother about this and I told my mother that I had decided to prepare myself for this. My mother, with all the gentleness of someone who was older and wiser, to a child who has no idea about mortality, told me this was not possible. You can never prepare yourself for death. She was right.

grandad

My Grandfather died on the 5th of December 2009. He was 83 years old. He had lived an amazing life and has a loving family. He had been a pilot in the RAF. I tried to make sure my mother was alright after she called me. Then I went to work. I had tried to see my grandfather as much as possible when he was alive. I was shortly going to go up to Scotland for Christmas, and now….

This happened on the Oxford Street Christmas shopping day. The roads were closed off and it was wall to wall people. After work I walked around in a numbness past crying. I kept saying over and over to myself WH Auden style ‘He is dead.’ and yet, it would not sink in. I would never see his face again. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and handed to me. But I could not cry. There was nothing in me.

It was a few days until I managed to make it to Scotland. I felt awful. Ached for my mother, so recently orphaned – her mother, in the last stages of renal failure, had killed herself aged 40. My mother had outlived her own mother – I held her like I had never before. I was so proud at how strong she was.

In my Grandfathers home standing in the last remnants of a life no longer lived, looking for something to remember him by, I had never been so heartbroken. I stared at his shoes, haphazard around the room. His feet would never be in them again.

When I was 5 years old. I was singing and showing off. The picture is above.  As I was singing I fell down some stairs. My grandfather rushed to save me but before he could I just got up and carried on singing. Later on, my grandfather always insisted I made him tea when I was in Scotland just so he could use the line ‘I just got a cup of tea from a movie star.’ His faith in me was blinding. He bought me a jewellery box when I was 17. ‘For my diamonds.’

At the funeral it hit me. On the way there we went past me Grandfather’s coffin. My mother’s face fell as she said quietly ‘ Oh god, that’s my dad in there. There’s my dad.’ Upon seeing all my family who I had not seen in years it got worst. My father, sandwiched in-between my mother and I , did not know who to comfort. We were both crying hysterically. He looked like a cartoon character going between us both. I had never cried so much in my life. After the funeral when I looked in the mirror, I looked like Alice Cooper.

There is a lot of myths about deaths. One of them is ‘it gets better’ It does not. My acting career has gone from strength to strength. I live an amazing life full of the most amazing people and yet I miss him every single day. It hits me when I see the biscuits he used to buy in the supermarket. When I am on set, in the quiet moments. I loved him so much and I will never see him again. At this moment I have no tips on bereavement. Time does not heal. It merely blunts the edges.