Another week in this great city of London. And another overheard column that is getting to be a rather worrying obsession. I had an email recently, asking if I felt like a snooper and to be honest I don’t. The reason for this is what I hear is always set off by volume. The things I get to hear are always delivered at quite high volume usually right behind me or next to me. I’m just there tapping away on my netbook or phone or scribbling on my paper. And the high volume helps me hear things perfectly. Sometimes I almost feel like I’m part of the conversation. Hence my opening overheard one liner this week. Outside London Bridge station. Worker in high vis vest calling to his friend on the other side of the road “I’m bleeding sick of Chablis today Charlie I’m going to Greggs” Huh?
But this week’s overheard is from the National Portrait Gallery. Two elderly ladies and I’m guessing down from the countryside judging by their identical clothing. Green barbour jacket. Chunky oatmeal looking cardigans. Headscarves with horses and riding equipment on them. Large handbags and one with a serious looking flask of tea. Very sensible brown walking shoes: Lady One “I don’t think it’s the eyes that follow you as much as the noses” Lady Two “Hm I see what you mean. It’s a little unsettling but I’m sure that wasn’t the artists intention though” Lady One “Quite right but Margaret has that picture of her mother on the landing you know the one and it doesn’t do the poor woman any favours” Lady Two “But to be frank poor Margaret has the face of a pit pony don’t you think?” Lady One “Yes and looking at her mother you can see where she gets it from. It’s like her youngest daughter. Such an ugly child. Poor Robert possibly shudders when she sits on his lap” Lady Two “I don’t blame him at all dear. She reminds me of one of those brain damaged people. Those little piggy eyes and that enormous jawline” Lady One “And she smells slightly. Have you noticed? Like a damp badger Robert says. You’d think Margaret and Stephen would notice. But of course the poor dears are exhausted looking after her poor father. His minds completely gone now you know of course?” Lady Two “Yes poor dear. I saw him in the Post office with slippers on and not even wearing a tie. Tragic really. He used to be an accountant in the city I understand” Lady One “Oh I heard he was something in the Fire Service. How curious. Where did you hear about him being an accountant” They both spoke at once “Sylvia” And then they both laughed. Then two Japanese tourists sat in front of me and I couldn’t catch anything else. And I really wanted to hear about Sylvia. But that’s how overheard’s work sometimes.
I don’t know which County Town they came from but it’s probably like that TV village of Midsomer where murders happen on a weekly basis. And just how ugly is Margaret’s daughter? We’ll never know!
Author Archives: Phil Ryan
Londoner’s Life 40 – Overheard by Phil Ryan
Well another week in this great city of London. And another stealthily garnered piece of minutiae of the wonderful inner world so many people inhabit. My wide open ears are now so finely attuned to this stuff I have to concentrate to turn them off! Happily I get to grab my pieces between meetings and things when I am often on my own and can really concentrate. So here’s my usual sharp intake of breath one liner I grabbed outside Bank Tube station. Sharply suited man in designer shades loudly into mobile phone: “For christ’s sake Toby it’s a fucking gibbon. Deal with it”. Huh???????
However this week’s standout winner was the five tourists from Spain (they had Bright red jackets with Espana printed on them) and they were having coffee and cake with a tour guide and obvious Language teacher in The Crypt at St Martins in the Field Café. I was sitting virtually in front of them as the tables were shoved together so I could watch as well from behind my paper.
Young Language guy “Yes its silly isn’t it it’s written as Leciester Square (he enunciates liesester slowly and sharply) but it’s pronounced as Lester” Sharp faced woman “But why?” Young Language guy “I think it’s something to do with the french” The Spanish people muttered to each other sounding puzzled. Sharp faced woman’s friend “Oh so the french people wrote in English then” Young Language guy” Oh er no its more the way they influenced the way we pronounce things. We have lots of french words er like we say cul-de-sac for a dead-end for instance” Sharp faced woman “Why not just say dead-end?” Young language guy “ Er I don’t know we just do” Sharp faced woman’s friend “ We enjoy to speak the English but we worry about these strange words. What is paedophile?” (she carefully pronounced each phrase turning it into peed O feel) Young Language guy “Ohh um where did you hear that?” Sharp faced Spanish woman’s friend “It was on our free paper this morning it had a picture of a priest is he famous?” Young language guy “Ah no he’s um not famous er it means” he took ages to speak again “Um he’s not very nice towards children” Sharp faced woman “How do you mean this not very nice does he shout at them please to explain” The whole group looked at him with interested expressions. Young language guy “No he um holds them er too close and often without clothing” He was struggling now and the expressions on their faces were a picture. Sharp face woman suddenly brightly “Who of us wants more how do we say scones”
I didn’t get what happened next but they left. I bet they didn’t try out any new words that day!
Theatre Review by Phil Ryan of Trash by Tom Hunt at the Space East London
Trash by Tom Hunt directed by Kim Moakes
Produced by LittleBerry Productions
A strong ensemble piece with a slightly frantic pace the audience seemed delighted at this witty and cleverly written piece. The subject matter was well chosen and quite competently explored. A difficult ask of a director, the very large cast (and I think the cast was a little too large) Kim Moakes delivered a bold and amusing vision of a student house with an alternative twist.
Despite the rather unwieldy size of the cast there were some standout performances. These included the nicely laconic Noor Dillan-Night ably and cleverly channelling a wannabe urban revolutionary and excellent and strong physical comedy from Adeline Waybey who perfectly captured the bawdy street persona of wild child freagan Vikki. A special mention is Alexis Coward who delivered a wonderful other wordly performance as Curly Kat, brilliantly inhabiting a child-like modern hippy girl who at times appeared to be in a world of her own.
At the risk of repetition the piece did struggle at times due to the large 12 strong cast with certain parts highly confusing as so much was going on. Plus the acoustic properties of the space itself made certain sections quite overpowering. But that said much of the audience seemed to enjoy the slightly muddled and noisy interactions. And my belief is when a full capacity audience are laughing constantly and uproaringly the play must be doing something right. With elements of high farce the piece was both entertaining and funny to watch. Finally I was very heartened at the broad age range of the audience demonstrating that LittleBerry productions can deliver a mainstream piece of theatre and should go from strength to strength.
Definitely one to watch.
Phil Ryan 16th September 2012
Londoner’s Life – Overheard 39 by Phil Ryan
I’ve had a frantic week replying to emails and finishing a writing project. But I still had three windows of opportunity to sort out another London overheard. Found myself in Hungerford in Oxford mid- week at a fancy gastro pub. And caught this brief gem from a couple sat watching a traditional looking house barge mooring by the side of a canal. Man to wife pleasantly “Look at that Miriam that’s the kind of life I could get used to” Miriam in a bored tone “I don’t think so you actually have to work quite hard to run one of those things. You are completely useless and workshy and you know it” Ouch! But here’s this week’s stolen moment from a bar at a gig in Central London:
Two Goth looking girls: Girl one “I couldn’t believe it really it’s not like I’m on Facebook that much” Girl two “So he cut you off just like that” Girl one “Yeah I know and I really liked him” Girl two “What made him turn so funny then?” Girl one “Well he saw me updating my status when we were doing it at his mum’s house” Girl two giggling “No” Girl one proudly “Well he was going at it like he does and I figured he was busy and they’ve got that wireless Infinity broadband you know the really fast one. So I replied to a couple of messages” Girl two “What while he was..” Girl one “Hm I mean it was good but sometimes I don’t feel that involved. He used to just shove away for ages and think it was good for me. But I didn’t mind that much. He was sweet really the little noises he’d make” Girl two “So what’d he say?” Girl one “Ah you know the usual it’s not you it’s me but I noticed that he changed his status that night. I mean how insensitive. I’m glad he’s gone cos I really I don’t need that kind of negative energy in my life to be honest” Girl two “So you’re with TZ now right” Girl one “Yeah he’s not that bright but he’s loyal and he’s got a car. Oh yeah and he’s got really nice legs and his bum is like really firm” They then started talking about the bands……..
I must just say at this point in case you think I just make this stuff up. I often record bits with my phone (especially in cafes) and I now carry a small pad and pen everywhere as well of course as my trusty Samsung. So although it might be not exactly the words they are very very very close. Trust me I don’t have this kind of imagination.
Londoner’s Life – Overheard 38 by Phil Ryan
Ho hum I’m a bit tired. But I have just got back from Amsterdam as I had a festival to play. And of course now I’m in new mode I had to get my new column together. So just to let you know Airports are great but very surreal! I was spoilt for choice as I flew out of Gatwick. Returned via Heathrow. And on my return I got this brief one travelling to Paddington on the Heathrow Express. Two city looking types watching the on board TV screen showing some coverage of the Paralympics.
Guy one “Being blind is that a disability?” Guy two “Huh? Nah not really. Mind I dunno. It’s not like you lost your legs or anything. Still it must be a drag eh?” Guy one “What being blind or losing your legs?” Guy two “Er both but losing a leg must be bad eh I mean how d’you chat up girls. It’s gotta be a bit of a passion killer right? Being blind you can just wear shades and look cool all the time”….
But the main show this week was in a café in Amsterdam on Sunday morning. An English tourist couple with a map spread out…
Middle aged guy Guy in Red cagoule “Barry didn’t rate the Van Gogh museum at all. Said it smelt funny Barbara” Woman in matching red cagoule ”Oh dear that’s bad. Barry knows his smells you know. Remember he told you about Windsor Castle and the smell of wee” Guy in Red cagoule “Yes and a good job we listened what with your asthma eh? Right it has to be the Rijksmuseum then. It’s on the list. Funny that. It sounds kind of German like Third Reich or something. You’d think someone would have noticed. I mean it could offend some people might even put them off mighten it. Specially Jewish people?” They then spoke almost in unison “Put it in the visitors book” They both chuckled at this. Women in red cagoule “God bless the visitors books I mean how many is it we’ve done this year. Thirty I think don’t you” Man in red cagoule “Hm not sure love but we let them know don’t we – don’t we though. They’re probably very grateful for our comments you know. They rely on them I’m sure. It must be tricky for them – you know how odd the public can be” Woman in red cagoule flaps the map “Yes I’m sure you’re right. So then lunch by that canal bridge don’t you think. The one with the park full of lizards nearby” Man in red cagoule “Lizards oh you are a silly billy dear they were iguanuas. Really lizards love tut tut” They both chuckle again. Man in red cagoule continues “Are we having the pancakes from yesterday?” Woman in red cagoule “No I threw them at that Japanese couple….
I had to leave at this point as I’d got the bill.
She did what!!!!!!!!!!
Londoner’s life – Overheard 37 by Phil Ryan
My friends are worried now. Each time I meet them recently I find myself listening intently to them and then I catch a phrase or a word from behind me. They know what’s about to happen. I casually lean back and turn to my phone keyboard. To be honest though I have to confess I get the best stuff when I’m on my own. For example in a café near Liverpool Street station. Man on phone “Not everyone understands Giraffes. They’re enigmatic Keith. Yeah enigmatic like Gandhi or someone”
But I digress this week’s offering is from the tea room in Regents Park outside in the garden area. I popped in on my way to a meeting in Baker Street. I had 45 minutes to kill – and fantastically I got to hear this..…
Expensively dressed elderly woman with small shivering dog “The women could only talk curtains. Honestly I thought I’d pass away. Pelmets. Tassels. That was her entire conversation. Honestly poor Hardy could hardly keep his little eyes open could you? little cuddlesies yes little cuddlesies you are mummy’s brave boy aren’t you aren’t you. I asked her to do something about Jarvis’s office” Second expensively dressed elderly woman “I didn’t know Jarvis had an office?” Woman with dog “Oh yes it’s on the fourth floor near the maid’s room. It’s where he’s writing his book dear” Woman without dog “Oh that’s where he’s writing it is he but it doesn’t have curtains then?” Woman with dog “No it’s got these beautiful oak blinds but Jarvis saw a programme about the Vatican and wanted ones like he saw in the Holy Fathers chambers” Woman without dog “Oh I see. So he wants curtains like the Pope does he? I didn’t know he believed in that sort of thing” Woman with dog “Oh no he doesn’t but he liked the curtains. Jarvis’s views on God are best not discussed dear. You know how he gets” They both sat quietly for a long time. Woman with dog “He will say buggery and sodomy a lot around Renata it’s quite tedious” Woman without dog “Oh so her English is improving then?” Woman with dog “No still not a word well I say not a word she asked me to spell euphonium the other week. She’s so very French I find” They sat quietly for a while. Woman without dog “So the curtains Liberty fabrics…?” Woman with dog “Quite but Jarvis won’t care he’s in a phase again”
I had to leave as my phone rang quite loudly but I’m with Jarvis. Curtains like the Pope!
Londoner’s Life Overheard 36 by Phil Ryan
It’s funny how you slip into a new routine. Since my light bulb moment in Covent Garden when I created this new column I am now so much more attuned when I’m out on my travels. My ears are set to scan especially in cafes. You learn to filter in a way. And then if you’re lucky a phrase or a voice reaction somewhere behind you or off to the side catches you. I have a Samsung S2 phone which means I can quickly tap away on my qwerty keypad during and once the conversation is over. So just a quick snatch from one such encounter. Hampstead. A cinema foyer. Outside a girl is on the phone.
Girl: No you’re not listening. I only slept with him because he asked (she listens for quite a long while) Yeah but he did ask nicely…
But to this week’s offering. A tea room in Cambridge.
Middle aged man in very sensible clothing. “Well I still don’t see what’s wrong with Turkey again. Your brother loved it last year” Sullen girl ”Dad it’s full of weird hairy guys staring at me on the beach you ask mum” Middle aged man “You’re imagining it. Anyway perhaps they don’t see blonde haired people much you know they’ve all got dark hair haven’t they?” Sullen girl “It’s not about my hair dad. I’m fourteen now” she pauses “And I’m (whispers very loudly) “Getting much bigger you know up there” Middle aged man “What do you mean?” Sullen girl in exasperation “Breasts Dad big ones” Middle aged man sounds shocked “Really does your mother know” Sullen girl “Yes of course she knows she keeps buying me loose tee shirts but I’m not swimming in tee shirts. Can’t we go to an apartment in Portugal like Auntie Gwynn and her lot. It had its own pool and everything and she said it cost as much as the hotel we stay in less even” Middle aged dad “Really it costs the same for an apartment. I’ll talk to your mother. I’m sorry about your chest issues” Sullen girl suddenly brightening “Don’t sweat it Dad I’m not. They look great.”
At this point a lady I presumed was the mother appeared.
Middle aged man “Hello love. Jasmine and I have had a brainwave. D’you fancy Portugal for a holiday this year just for a change?” Lady “Isn’t it a bit fish orientated dear?”
They then agreed on going back to Turkey and talked about nothing but the sales in Marks and Spencer. The daughter went back to texting.
It’s tricky as some of these London Overheard’s of mine sometimes don’t always work out. So I’m keeping my ears open on your behalf. Keep listening!
Londoners Life – Overheard by Phil Ryan
My new column is still writing itself. I just plonk myself outside at a café now and slowly eat a croissant and sip my tea and the universe delivers me gold! I get bits that are too short which I put in now and again but then a doozy comes along. In a café off the Kings Road I only had to wait five minutes for this:
Man in fancy jogging outfit to plaid checked shirt wearing friend:
“No I’m a lousy father I know it. But the kids have got to learn not to rely on anyone especially me” Plaid shirt guy “You’re not that bad” Jogging guy “ Yes I am Rob I am signally the lousiest father on the planet. You’re being very kind but it’s the truth. I forget their birthdays and to tell you the truth I don’t even like Josh. He’s a horrible kid. You’ve seen he’s got those little piggy eyes to tell you the truth I’m not even sure he’s mine” They both sip their coffees and a long silence falls. Until jogging man says “She’s having an affair I’m sure of it” Plaid shirt man suddenly very surprised “God. Really you think that. Really” Jogging guy “Yeah it’s obvious. She keeps being nice to me. Always glad to see me when I come home. Making me coffee. She bought me a new ipod last week.”
Plaid shirt guy “Christ I see” Jogging guy laughs hollowly ”I mean I’m away so much I can’t blame her. But it’s not nice you know. I’m not sure if she uses the house. Probably not” Plaid shirt guy “I’m sure you’re imagining it” Jogging guy “Maybe. But I just get a sense of it. I was gone for three weeks last month the office needed me back stateside. And she called me and her voice was funny like she’d been running or something” Plaid shirt guy “Maybe she’d been running. You know running to the phone she could have been upstairs” Jogging guy “Exactly you see upstairs. But with who” Plaid shirt man “I think you’re imagining it” Jogging guy ”Maybe, maybe”.
I have to point out at this point that not all of my ‘Overheard’s’ finish exactly and some drift into just general chit chat about nothing in particular. And that’s what these guys did but the last thing I heard as they left was this.
Jogging guy “Maybe I’ll turn gay”
Bless you London.