Londoners Life 10 – by Phil Ryan

We often hear of problems in London with parking. The main gripe of drivers being that Councils are now just using high parking charges as a revenue generator. And it is clearly true despite the Councils mealy mouthed explanations. My favourite being that it stops commuters driving to Tube stations and clogging the local roads (this slightly shot down by the fact that parking restrictions are on every single street in every single borough now miles from any tube stations) I tell people you can drive in London you just can’t actually stop anywhere!

And if ever proof were needed recently that champion of fairness and kindness Baby Shrek look alike Brian Coleman the Leader of the Council in Barnet even laughingly said he felt they were never knowingly underpriced. This as he announced they were doubling parking charges for residents in his borough and it was just tough! But this time the residents are taking Barnet Council to court saying it’s unfair. Good luck to them. As a London driver I’m used to being abused and lied to – so it’s nice to see some Londoners fighting back. Of course they’ll lose. It’s the London way. The fix is in. But hey if it makes one idiot local councillor pause for thought it’s got to be worth it.
London sadly has a history of shooting fish (ie all London taxpayers) and in a barrel in this way. In other words once they realise they have a monopoly and there is nothing Londoners can do they rip us off. Higher prices for nothing in return. TFL are a great example of this. Prices go up and up on the Underground and then incredibly the service just gets worse and worse! And travelling conditions are really horrible lately. Squeezing people in like a game of Twister on amphetamines. The tube is getting more and more like one of those Japanese game shows without a prize at the end. And Londoners grimly put up with it. Why? No alternative. Monopoly. The Oyster card now a badge of endurance.

And whilst on Transport issues I notice the Boris Bikes are suddenly coming in for scrutiny. The scheme apparently costing the taxpayer some mad sum of money anytime someone makes a journey. Why is it so expensive you ask? Because of the company behind it and the mug contract signed by TFL and the Mayor. It’s funny how London politicians vanity projects seem to get pushed through despite apparent layers of ‘scrutiny’. Green is always good is the mantra. No matter how ineffective or expensive. After they added up the costs it turns out that the bikes would be cheaper to the public purse if they are just left in the racks and the riders are carried around by slaves in those sedan chairs. And as for the cycle highways ie blue lines painted on the road. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
Please don’t get me wrong. I do love the idea of a bike scheme. But not the ludicrous costs. But I must calm down. The sun is out – the Royal parks are still free and looking glorious and the hints of spring in London are everywhere. Daffodils on roundabouts etc.
Fashion Week is over and new spring looks are appearing but the biggest sign is the re-appearance of the outside table.

Londoners can’t resist them. That Parisian air of lolling about watching the world pass by. Admittedly you also get large Buses and Lorries as well. So you can choke on your cappuccino as you ogle the passing public. I don’t get it. Who wants to sit on a pavement? Pollution falling over you as you sip your overpriced beverage.

But hey it’s that cool al fresco London experience. Despite it being five degrees, everywhere I go hardy souls are out with their new shades and iphones blabbing away. And it could just be me but where are all these tiny dogs coming from? They are everywhere. It seems de rigueur now for designer shaded girls and boys to currently accessorize with an animal that looks like an angry rat in a fur wrap. These sharp toothed little rodent dogs perch quiveringly under their owners chairs snapping at anyone who passes by. I’m still trying to work out their function. They’re skin and bone so they score low on the cuddle factor. They can’t do tricks as they’d break. I guess they could be a good defence animal as they can easily be hurled at a mugger. The element of surprise of being hit at fifty miles an hour by a small snarling rodent a great deterrent. (Kidding) Or are they just loyal companions? The jury is still out I think.

But spring is evident in the air. It’s charity time. All the great and the good are filling our airtime with their appeals. Exhorting us to open our wallets. It’s all in a good cause. Red nose this. Flowers for that. Without people dressed as clowns outside Waterloo rattling buckets it seems as if London would cease to function. But Londoners are generous. So when they’re outside in artic conditions sitting at their table drinking a cappuccino with an angry demented rat on a string what happens? Some person dressed as a giant Yellow Cat strides up demanding money for underprivileged trees. Does it bother them? Does it faze them? No. It’s a London thing.