Category Archives: Culture

Londoners Life 7 by Phil Ryan

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The recent London attitude to bad weather has been weary fortitude. Usually it’s rain. But more recently add to this mix – Tube strikes. Tube breakdowns. Train breakdowns. Student protests. Council cutting back on bad weather provision. Freezing cold. And then to cap it all. Snow. Look at the London news and it’s a repeat of every other year. Fed up people complaining. The train company did this. Or more accurately didn’t do anything. Nothing works. Where’s the grit? It’s part of the London cycle.

We just repeat the same problems. My more surreal moments in the inclement weather being watching an elderly man on skis in Hampstead High Street. Calmly floating down the pavement he looked very determined. And so did the small dog he was using to pull him along. A spaniel. But my favourite being a miserable looking bus driver repeating in a monotone “Snow off your shoes please” to every passenger. This elucidating a frenzied procession of semi Flamenco moves from a bunch of cold people who just wanted to get on and sit down. It looked like a street dance off with shopping and elderly people.

But it’s Christmas now. The race begins. Buy. Buy. Buy. And all the local papers go into charity mode. Good causes. Smiling old age pensioners in hats. Cheery looking homeless people grinning over a bowl of soup. It’s so very Victorian. And so very London. The TV is straight on it. Out come all the Dickens analogies. It’s as if the presenters can’t help themselves. “And here’s a real old curiosity”” It’s a bleak house tonight” and one that made me choke during a report on a local council closing a toddlers club “The spirit of Christmas present lost in a scoogelicious committee decision” Scroogelicious! And then comes that unique London traditional phenomenon the absurd pre Christmas sales in the posher shops. Items such as a Swarowski encrusted hot water bottle or a platinum apple phone. Slashed from mind numbing prices to surprisingly staggeringly high prices. Who is buying this stuff? I thought there was a recession on? But the London Christmas rolls on. It’s party season. You can tell by the tents set up in Leicester Square to deal with the incoherent drunks paralytically spreading the yuletide cheer. I think we should wait until they’re completely unconscious and then stick them in air freight containers so they wake up in say Bolivia or Morocco. Watch the drinking statistics drop away!

But food and drink feature large in a London Christmas. The major restaurants falling over themselves to do deals. The Evening Standard is full of coupons suddenly. Who cuts them out? It must be very difficult to go on a date with someone who surreptitiously starts sliding coupons under their credit card come bill time. Not really giving the right impression. Hi I’m sexy but very cheap. But the 2 for one offers often come with a sting in the tail. The good stuff never seems to be included. And then when you do stray from the deal it sends the price into the stratosphere. But that is the London way. Just like the Traditional German markets that suddenly seem to be appearing everywhere. Londoners just accept the fact that a load of fake alpen huts will start springing up on every corner. Bratwurst. Hot wine. Weird looking ginger bread. All to the accompaniment of brass band music. They have a thing called Winter Wonderland at Hyde Park with a huge German fair. And it’s a mixture of baffled looking Japanese tourists uncertainly smiling unsure whether they were tricked over the war and hardy Londoners braced against the cold munching on surreal looking sausages in rye bread that has the consistency of an elderly carpet tile (and a similar taste I might add) all secretly longing for a bacon sandwich. But it’s Christmas in London which means anything goes. Apart from Christianity. This is a no no with most London councils. I saw an article with some Council leader who seemed confused at the concept. He thought it was an economic opportunity with a holiday attached. The Christ and religious bit clearly passing him by. Hence that horrendous Winter Festival concept put about by the more moronic ones. Even though they all get the cast of East Enders in to turn on the Christmas lights. Huh? But they’ve figured out that upsetting Christians is easy – they’ll just turn the other cheek. The most radical things some local Christians round here did was to sing a load of Carols outside the Town Hall. How vicious was that? God bless them. Or as my local council would put it. Winter bless them.

Oh yes just a quick update on my human signs. They’ve now got them dressed as furry animals. Quasi Disney Characters. With holly and tinsel stuck all over them! They still have Golf Sale and Cheap Computers written all over them but it’s nice for the children. And very confusing. Goofy clearly reduced to sidelining in cheap Golf equipment since his falling out with Mickey they must suppose. Anyway finally after the shopping then comes the final Christmas ritual. The big get away. In London we head for the airports and the streets fall silent. It’s a very odd time. The usual rush and whizzing around replaced albeit temporarily with a brief period of tranquillity. I tend to stay to enjoy the peace and once everyone else comes back then I leave. The prospects for the New Year a bit uncertain this time. The austerity year I heard it called. I chatted to some people in a café the other day and asked them their fears and thoughts about the coming year and all the cuts. I listed all the things that were going to be closed and cancelled. They all shrugged. So what they said. And ordered another latte and biscotti. Denial. No. It’s a London thing.

Well that’s it for this year! Merry Christmas to you all. And here’s crossing my fingers for 2011. So whoever they may be – may your God or non belief go with you.

Regards Phil

The Modern Girl’s Guide to Fabulousness by Bethanie Lunn {Book Review}

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Last week the two editors of Frost Magazine found themselves sat in a book club in the lounge of the Radisson Edwardian Bloomsbury Street Hotel. Part of their book club initiative, we lounged in the sumptuous surroundings, warmed up with coffees served with mini cheesecake bites (always a winner) and talked to first time author Bethanie Lunn about her book ‘The Modern Girl’s Guide to Fabulousness’.


Described as “an A-Z guide on fun things to do, exciting places to go, what to wear, where to dine, shop and beautify”, Bethanie has tried and tested everything in the 253 page guide which covers all things fabulous across the country. She’s covered everything from the best cocktails, the most exotic hotels and secret boutiques to llama trekking. There’s hints and tips on every subject imaginable and even a tip on something you never thought you’d want to do with half an orange. An incredibly thorough and unique book covering everything you never thought you would want to know in witty detail.
Order The Modern Girl’s Guide to Fabulousness by Bethanie Lunn on Amazon UK

Young People In Politics: Ben Mallet Interview.

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It takes a lot for me to be impressed by people, Ben Mallet scores on this point. He is smart, passionate and obscenely young ( Still in his teens!). Ben is one of life’s doers, and, I am almost certain, will one day be Prime Minister. Keep an eye on him.

Why did you go into politics and why conservative?

I got involved with the Conservative party from quite a young age, not because I was a political anorak (I would hope), but because I’ve always thought its really important for young people to take an interest in decisions being made by governments, that are going to affect people of my age, later on.

How do you think we get more people involved in politics?

I think the key to involving young people in politics, is acknowledging that the majority of young people are already interested in politics, just not the politics that we see on BBC Parliament.

If you were to ask one of my friends, “What do you think of the Coalition government?” then I would happily bet that they’re eyes would glaze over and they would have lost interest before you’d even finished the question. Where as, if you were to ask “What do you think of the Coalition government’s policy to increase tuition fees?” then you would get a completely different reaction- probably one involving a pretty lively response.

To give another example, I was at a Kingston council meeting last week and the Lib Dems decided that they were going to launch a motion stating their opposition to the rise in Tuition fees. The audience was mostly made up of local teenagers coming to hear the debate and three even got up to speak!

It’s all about making politics RELEVANT to young people.

Tell me about setting up the Richmond park CF
Richmond Park Conservative Future is a real success story, although not just my own. So many people worked to make RPCF what it is today- not least Zac Goldsmith.

Our underlying principle, as I’ve just stated, is making politics relevant to young people. As a result, we held Summer & Christmas parties, inviting loads of local teenagers to come and quiz Zac on what he stands for, as well as enjoying themselves. Combined, over 350 people came to these events. We’ve also held discussions with local politicians and events at the local universities.

We also teamed up with a local autism charity to hold a sponsored Fun-Run in Richmond Park, raising hundred’s of pounds for a really great local organisation.

How did you get involved with Zac Goldsmith

I first met Zac when I volunteered to work in the local association office- he had just been selected as the parliamentary candidate and was looking to really launch his campaign locally.
I got involved because Zac wanted lots of young people to get involved- and so the ball began to roll.

You got new 180 members at The Kingston Fresher’s Fayre. How does that feel?

I feel very humbled by it. It was a total team effort and there was a lot of effort involved. The explosion of young people’s engagement in local politics we witnessed wouldn’t have happened if it hadn’t been for the energy displayed by Zac or the campaign team. I am honoured, however, to have acted as a catalyst.

Why do you think there is a stigma to being a Tory?

This is a question that a lot of people ask me- the truth is that the Conservative party has always had some “Marmite” tendencies- you either love them or you hate them. As a result there are some areas of the country and some groups of people who will always hate the Tories- for what they did decades ago that haven’t yet been forgiven.

The flip side of the coin is that there are some areas of the country and some groups of people who love the Tories.
The Conservative party is one of the oldest political parties in the world and so it’s history ultimately plays a big part in the party’s perception today.

Why are you a Tory?
I think its all about trust. When you strip off all the political party slogans, logos, PR machines and spin doctors, it all comes down to how each party treats people.

The Labour party doesn’t trust anyone. It doesn’t trust me to not be a racist or a nutter, so it imposes ridiculous political-correctness and health and safety laws. It doesn’t trust doctors, teachers or even the police to do their job, so it imposes layers of bureaucracy, targets and by-laws. It doesn’t trust my community to make decisions themselves so leaves the power with bureaucrats in Whitehall and doesn’t trust businesses to work effectively, so imposes heavy regulations and red-tape. And to fund all this centralization, they have to ask for huge amounts of tax on everything from Income to Bingo.

I believe that the Conservative party does trust people. Michael Gove’s plan to allow parents, communities or organisations to set up their own schools is one example of this. Another example is Andrew Lansley’s plans to give more power to doctors, or Eric Pickle’s policy to radically decentralize power to local councils. The Prime Minister’s Big Society is all about trust.

Thank you Ben.

Heathrow's Third Runway: The Battle for Sipson.

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When the Labour government finally dragged its heels from 10 Downing Street in May, one of the most contentious environmental issues of its time appeared to go with it.

Prime Minister David Cameron had barely crossed the threshold in place of the departing Brown, before the coalition government promised it would scrap plans for Heathrow’s third runway – an environmental battlefield in a war that had raged for almost a decade.

The defeated British Airports Authority (BAA) announced it was withdrawing its application soon after.

For the residents of Sipson and Harmondsworth – two villages in west London that lay directly in the path of the proposed project – it was a victory long in the making.

Six months on, it would be expected that any visitor to Sipson would encounter a community bubbling with renewed enthusiasm and vibrancy after losing the dark shadow hanging over their everyday lives.

Instead, it comes as a shock to find the polar opposite. From the jaws of defeat, BAA may yet win an unlikely victory.

A potted history of the conflict reveals the Labour Government first considered building a third runway in 2002. A flawed consultation document eventually followed in 2007, which became the catalyst for heavy-hitters Greenpeace to get directly involved in the campaign to stop Heathrow expansion.

Greenpeace’s Anna Jones reflected on the mood at the time: “The public consultation didn’t allow people to say ‘no, we don’t want it’, but instead said, ‘if we‘re going to build it, how should we build it?’ she recalls.

“The public opposition then really began to develop and it was around that time that we had the idea of Airplot.”

Pulling in a cross-section of political figures, celebrities and environmentalists, Greenpeace trumped the Government’s highly controversial green-lighting of the project in January 2009, by revealing their own purchase of a field directly in the runway’s proposed path.

Christened Airplot, the site soon became a focus for resistance to the runway, both directly and indirectly, with Greenpeace offering the opportunity for people to become beneficial owners of the site.

“In the first week, it was crazy and amazing,” says Jones. “A thousand people an hour were signing up to become owners at one point. And I think it really gave people hope and something concrete to do to stand in the way of the plans.”

Residents too, welcomed Airplot with open arms.

“We wrote to every single person in the village letting them know we were there,” she adds. ”Everyone was very supportive.

“There were some people who were feeling trapped by the blight situation and some who felt they just wanted to give up. But all the work the action groups and Airplot did, really boosted the morale of the local community and made them feel even stronger.”

Also joining the fray were activists Transition Heathrow.

The group swooped on a local derelict market garden site in March 2010 during the height of the fight against the runway and were determined to stay.

After removing 30 tonnes of rubbish and surviving an early court battle by the landowner to remove them, they have transformed the area into Grow Heathrow, which has become a community hub in a short space of time, visited by a number of Sipson’s home owners every day.

Transition Heathrow’s spokesman, Paddy Reynolds, explains: “We wanted to start something in the village that would capture some of the radical energy roused by the third runway campaign.

“They wanted tarmac and planes, and we wanted a sustainable, grass roots level, democratic community, that can look after itself in the face of local and global challenges.

“However, we didn’t want to just storm in,” he explains. “We knew a lot of people in the area through the campaign and spoke to everyone we knew about this site.”

“It had been used by an outfit that got evicted by the council. It was very unpopular, because there were noise abatement orders, illegal scrapping of cars and a lot of rubbish dumped, with people going in and out all the time.

“So we thought, ‘this is a very anti-social site, let’s make it very social. We’ll occupy it, clean it up and turn it into a community market garden’.

“It’s one of the last standing of these old market garden greenhouses, so it’s symbolic.”

Since March, the site has altered beyond recognition, becoming a genuine window into Heathrow’s past as prime arable land.

Airplot too, continues to grow – with a thriving orchard and returning wildlife – and with Greenpeace’s presence in the area now much reduced, Anna Jones believes the village is enjoying some quiet time.

“I think everyone’s very happy now just to be able to live their lives and breathe – which they haven’t been able to do for so many years,” she suggests.

“That’s fair enough when you’ve been at the centre of controversy for so long.”

But the truth appears to be much less rosy.

The centrepiece of the village, the listed, 400-year-old King William IV pub became an unofficial meeting place during the fight for survival, but a Friday lunchtime visit gives the impression that all is not well.

Close to 1pm, the pub is empty. A passer-by drops in for a quick pint and eventually three or four residents drift in. The mood is not optimistic.

Landlord Shaun Walters, after leaving Sipson in 1996, returned to the uncertainty in 2006.

“All that time, it’s been ‘is it or is it not coming’, but certainly in the last four years, it’s been more in the public eye.

“For me, it’s been a nightmare, business-wise. I’ve sold my house today, but when the guy came round to sign off everything, he said there are 32 houses unoccupied, all bought through BAA’s Bond Scheme. Some have been empty for four months, so I’ve lost revenue.

“For the businesses left in the village, it’s just devastation,” he adds. “I can see me being out of business after Christmas.”

And the government-approved Property Market Support Bond Scheme has proved to be BAA’s ace in the pack.

With buyers shunning a potentially doomed village, BAA offered residents a way out with the scheme, buying their properties at 2002 prices.

The coalition’s stance has since led BAA to limit residents to a deadline of June 22 to opt in, but a caveat in their letter advisees residents to continue to register their interest, in case of a future planning application.

And the inescapable irony is that, since the election, many residents have taken up the offer.

The legacy is rows of empty houses, while others are rented on short-term lets to migrant workers who have no stake in the long-term future of the community.

“I think a lot of people had had enough over the last couple of years and just wanted to go,” offers Walters.

“They wanted to go and live the dream somewhere else, and never have the heartache and grief of waking up in the morning, and thinking is it or isn’t it going to happen?

“But the big change is that it’s no longer a community. I don’t know a third of the people in this village now.”

One resident, speaking anonymously, agreed. “It’s dying from the inside,” she said. “I’ve sold my house to BAA. My neighbours have gone. Nobody wants to be here anymore.”

Transition Heathrow’s Reynolds is also well aware of the malaise that is creeping across Sipson.

“The Bond Scheme is self-perpetuating and causes more blight,” he says. “People who have been stuck in their houses for ten years have suddenly been given a small window of opportunity where they can sell at a good market rate at a time when the market’s crashing.

“It’s ‘take it or leave it’ and if you leave it, you might not get a better offer ever again.

“It’s meant that a lot of people have left en masse and that’s not good for any village. It’s especially unhealthy for the power dynamics, because BAA now own a lot of property here.

“The loss of long term residents is not helpful for the general well-being of Sipson. Families who know the history of this village is what binds this place together. That’s been lost.”

And most telling is that a number of people directly involved in the campaign have taken the opportunity to go.

Linda McCutcheon, the former chair of the Harmondsworth and Sipson Residents Association, is perhaps the biggest loss to the area.

“I knew Linda really well,” says Reynolds. “She was tireless in her support of us and anyone opposing the campaign.

“She was also on the committee for the No Third Runway Action Group (NoTRAG) which closed recently, but she’s moved out to enjoy her retirement.

“The previous chair of the residents association had family losses directly related to worsening health and stress caused by campaigning.

“Some of them sacrificed their retirement years, while some of them literally sacrificed their health – and ultimately their lives.

“Fair play to Linda. She deserves it, but the combination of circumstances means that it feels like a big change at the moment and we don’t know how that’ll develop.”

Despite coalition assurances that the third runway is dead in the water, leading Labour figures and business figures are still in favour.

Anna Jones agrees that political circumstances can change, but remains quietly cautious.

“I hope that’s it,” she says. “We will fight tooth and nail if it comes back onto the table because we know it’s a completely bonkers plan.

“If you were to let this go ahead, BAA wouldn’t rule out a sixth and seventh terminal and that’s just ridiculous.

“You can’t just continue to grow and grow and pollute, and take people’s homes away.

“But what we’ve seen with this most recent plan is that now society is mobilised. It knows how to come together and fight together in a united way. That’s why we won and that’s why we’ll continue to win.

“I think we’ve actually turned a corner now and I really don’t believe it’ll go ahead.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the people who live on the airport’s doorstep are more pessimistic.

“I think they’ll get it in the end,” says Shaun Walters. “The third runway will come and this’ll be flattened. No doubt about it.

“There’s been too much money invested. When they were doing Terminal Five, the workmen who came in here said they’d seen plans for Terminal Six and Terminal Seven.

“They’ve had investment offers to build it in the Thames Estuary, but they don’t want to know. They want it here.

“If they’re willing to go through cemeteries, with people still being buried, they want it at all costs.

“At the end of the day, they’ll get all the houses and it’ll be a dead-end village.

Harmondsworth resident, John Power agrees. “They need it. It will happen.

“It’s just a matter of time. It’s all money, jobs, jobs, jobs and people lose their homes because of jobs.”

In the meantime, Transition Heathrow face a microcosm of the bigger picture, as they look to their own future in Sipson.

“We want to secure the site long term, ideally by coming to some agreement. We’ve put in an offer to buy the land, or potentially we may rent it.

“Failing that, we will resist all efforts to get rid of us without any kind of reasonable negotiations.

“We’re confident, and even if we lose, we want to make so much publicity in losing that we set an example not only for this area, but lots of other land-based projects in the communities around Britain.

“It’s a time to hold on tight really, because the shit’s going to hit the fan.”

And that may be a crude, but apt, metaphor for the future of Sipson.

“The Third Runway won’t happen,” says Reynolds emphatically. “The aviation industry is not strong.

“If they had built it, it would have been a complete white elephant.”

“But I think there’ll be renewed applications in a couple of years or less, or with a new government and then it’ll start off again.

“It led to an unprecedented campaign that was like an Iraq-type situation for Gordon Brown. It became a national and international issue.

“It’ll be like a civil war.”

Unfortunately, despite Reynolds’ and Jones’ willingness and readiness to resume the fight, the low morale and BAA’s expanding property portfolio suggests it could be too late for Sipson.

Their enemy are already within the walls.

Nathan Love and Barry Sonnenfeld give Esquire a Very Digital Christmas.

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Nathan Love Delivers “A Very Digital Xmas” Animation and Illustrations for Esquire Magazine and Director/Contributing Editor Barry Sonnenfeld

NEW YORK — Award-winning animation studio Nathan Love (www.NathanLove.com) is delighted to share news of its recent contributions to the December issue of Esquire, the leading men’s lifestyle magazine, for its holiday gift guide feature presented by contributing editor and world renowned filmmaker Barry Sonnenfeld.

“The guys at Nathan Love took on a project that I thought would be impossible to pull off and turned it into a great experience,” said Darhil Crooks, Esquire’s art director. “Their enthusiasm about every aspect of the ‘Xmas with Barry’ showed through in the final product. They were able to take something that Esquire has been doing for years to another level.”

“2010 has been a breakthrough year for our studio, and this project is another example of our expansion across all media,” began Joe Burrascano, Nathan Love’s executive creative director. “After starting out four years ago as a pure 3D character animation studio, we’ve now grown into a true, full-service production company. More and more agencies and brands are coming to us to handle high-profile projects that include live-action, animation, and/or VFX, and our audio division has been booked all year.”

“Producing this holiday animation for Esquire allowed us to explore more of the world of traditional 2D animation and illustration for print,” added Mike Harry, Nathan Love’s executive producer. “Collaborating with Esquire’s art director Darhil Crooks was a great experience, and working with filmmaker Barry Sonnenfeld was both an honor and a lot of fun. We hope our enthusiasm comes through in the feature, and invite everyone to please stay tuned-in as our adventures continue.”

For this project, Burrascano served as creative director, working alongside Mike Harry, animation director Robin Steele, designers Sigmund Lambrento and Jessica Namnum, animator Stieg Retlin and music composer and sound designer Drew Skinner. The challenges presented by Crooks and Sonnenfeld called for Nathan Love’s crew to deliver a full-page print layout introducing the feature story, as well as three more partial-page layouts, miscellaneous illustrated images of the famous director and his dog Lucky, numerous props and items related to the story’s content, and a :70 animated film showing Sonnenfeld and Lucky putting the featured holiday gifts to use.

The film was also finished and optimized for mobile delivery, to take full advantage of Esquire’s international cross-platform distribution, which includes print, online and mobile editions, as well as its new iPad App launched in October.

“This was our first time working with Robin Steele,” Harry explained, “and his experience working as a Disney animator taught us all a lot about traditional animation. Robin and Joe both have a great sense of comedic timing, and they had a great time collaborating together. They set up the gags to unfold in one, static scene, and let the madness ensue.”

Key artistic tools for the artists at Nathan Love included original illustrations and Adobe Creative Suite, and for the animated content, Adobe After Effects.

Please visit www.esquire.com to check out “A Very Digital Xmas” and the December issue of Esquire.

About Nathan Love
Break out the crayons and beer, because Nathan Love is ready to play! This world-class animation studio is known for creating memorable characters, detailed worlds and engaging narratives, making it a party and inviting your whole crew. Driven by a passion for storytelling, their creative, technical and production capabilities are constantly evolving. Equally at home creating sensational 2D and 3D animation, the studio’s talents span all aspects of project creation and production. They are creators of commercial campaigns, original films, super-fun web content, video game projects, merchandise and more. Besides their extraordinary craftsmanship Nathan Love is also fun and inviting to work with, enjoying daily collaborations with leading creatives, live-action and CGI directors, sound designers, composers, web developers and other artists. So next time you’re dreaming-up a project, drop your briefcase and join the fun at www.NathanLove.com.

About Esquire
Esquire (www.esquire.com), published by Hearst Magazines, was the winner of the 2010 National Magazine Award for “Profile Writing.” It is the most-honored monthly magazine in America with a total of 14 awards over the past 13 years. In addition to its U.S. flagship, Esquire publishes 22 editions around the world.

Send Love and Laughter on the Move this Christmas. {Technology}

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Send Love and Laughter on the Move with New Me to You and Violent Veg E-Card Sender Apps

Sending a text message or email to say Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday is a nice enough way to show someone you’re thinking of them, but lets face it – it’s not very exciting. Revolutionise your message sending while you’re on the move with the launch of the Me to You and Violent Veg iPhone e-card sender apps, which allow you to instantly send a card via email and add your own personal touch.

The new Me to You and Violent Veg iPhone apps are available to download from the App Store today (10th December) and 20th December respectively, with birthday, Christmas and New Year messages to kick start your card sending frenzy. All you need to do is go to your App Store app, search ‘Me to You’ or ‘Violent Veg’, and click to download. Each app is £1.79 and contains 10 cards that you can send as many times and to as many people as you like. You can even download a LITE version to trial the app for free.

To show that special someone how much you care pick one of the beautifully illustrated e-cards from the Me to You birthday, New Year or Christmas apps. As well as being able to send e-cards, you can also watch the Tatty Teddy story, view your sent e-cards and buy new e-cards from the app.

If you want to keep them laughing all the way, send a personalised card from the Violent Veg birthday, Christmas or New Year app. You can share the hilarious vegetable-based humour gags in an instant plus find out more about the Violent Veg characters and even view a video of how the Violent Veg gags are created.

Both apps are the perfect way for letting family and friends abroad that you’re thinking of them if you have missed the postal deadline. Send a personalised e-card from any of the apps and across the other side of the world your nearest and dearest will instantly receive your message of love or laughter.

Further iPhone apps will be launched in 2011. More for more information on Me to You and Violent Veg visit www.metoyou.com and www.violentveg.com

Londoners Life 6 by Phil Ryan

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Londoners Life 6 – by Phil Ryan

I see the London spirit of Christmas is unrolling now. Which brings me to the real growing spirit of Christmas. Spirit. You suddenly can’t move at the moment in London for drunks. It’s not just me. Even the local paper round here commented on it. Maybe it’s the coming second recession? Getting on the tube on a Friday night after eleven nowadays is like getting inside a can of Fosters with seats. You just breathe in and you’re intoxicated. And take a look at Leicester Square at 12.00ish on a Saturday. It looks like a rehearsal for a Zombie movie. Shuffling shambling weirdos staggering down every side street. Like children’s puppets on Calpol. Admittedly some are the Hare Krishnas but you can usually spot them by the drummer. And as far as I know they don’t drink. Well not when on duty. I often try to imagine the nightly parade up at Krishna Head quarters. Right lads were going out now. Keep a good formation. Plenty of Hare hare’s. Flog those CDs like your life depends on it. Vishnu you were off time last night. Get it together lad! It’s up on the first syllable and down on the next. The rest of you try and look blissed out of your faces. You know the enlightened look. And keep that constant shuffle going. But I digress.

Seriously the drink issue in London is not hard to see. It’s like the 11.30 guy. You see him every weekend. Unconscious on the Circle Line. A line of drool slowly escaping from one side of his mouth. He’s slumped in his usual I’ve got no idea who or where I am position. His snores barely audible. He’s always in a crumpled grey suit. His tie way off at an angle. He’s probably missed his stop four times. But he gets home. Eventually. Somehow. A bit like pigeons I suppose. Some instinct. A navigation device provided by nature. But as a drunk he has to overcome one huge and deadly hurdle. A true London hazard. The hot dog guys.

These charming creatures are usually shifty looking murderer lookalikes and dress in the oddest uniform. Beanie woolly hat. Leather jacket. Jogging Bottoms. And nameless training shoes. They all smoke. Furtively. Most are unshaven and have that curious blue stubble face like a cartoon. Presumably it all comes as part of their training package. Just part of The Hot Dog University of London’s student body elite. Make no mistake. This is food for drunks. But woe betide the innocent tourist they entrap. Their next view of London will be gazing down one of our finest toilet bowls. A view of their hotel they really weren’t expecting. But as I say it’s the drunks who must be their main prey. You’d have to be drunk to be lured into buying one. The noisy sizzling. The heady aroma of onions and rat urine drifting like an unheavenly cloud on the breeze. The hot dogs or unidentified waste product as they’re better known in Environmental Health circles all soaking in the year old grease (as they cook for the ninetieth time). Only the completely inebriated cannot resist. Wily Londoners know this. Drunken ones flock like wasps round a jam jar. And you can often see where after consuming one they have charmingly decided to eject it! I believe the vernacular has it as pavement pizza. Still it beats an enema.
But with the sudden explosion in health food shop/cafes in London that’s often taken care of for you. London seems to have suddenly stealthily filled up with little trendy looking delicatessens on every off high street location. All boasting a small café area inside. You can’t miss them. Everything’s wholemeal. Staff included. And they all smell like an old stable. The shops and cafes I mean not the staff. Usually a cute little bell tinkles when you warily step inside. Like an old fashioned shop. Nice touch. But beware. Smiley young staff in forest green looking aprons stand about trying not to burst out laughing when you ask the price of a titchy jar of Andulisian honey. Trust me. Don’t ask. It’s all pricey beyond belief. But kind of nice in a trendy sort of I have too much money sort of way. I’m sure it all tastes very nice. I’m thinking of applying for a loan this week to buy some Cornish artisan otter cheese and two loaves of Kentish granary and grit bread. Don’t get me wrong I hate supermarkets. It’s just this lot are the other extreme. Food as fashion and a statement about you. Honestly. They don’t seem to sell normal food. Even when you sit down for a cup of tea to get over the shock it’s always Burmese green tea or burlap, wood and dandelion infusions whilst the cakes look like Buffalo excretions dusted with Bear excretions. It’s all about grains. Apparently. Nuts. Seeds. Earth. Natural roughage. Hence the free enema point from earlier. This stuff passes through you quicker than the time a Camden traffic warden takes to ticket a disabled person’s car. But it’s healthy I’m told. Smaller independent shops (which I’m all for) selling locally sourced produce. Look around. They’re everywhere now. And do we buy it. Yes of course we do. It’s a London thing.

Londoners Life 5 by Phil Ryan

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Londoners Life 5 – By Phil Ryan

Winter is here in London. It’s official. The clothes say it all. And right now you can clearly see the London tribes. Clear and defined. In cloth, leather and appliqué. The Hoxton and Camdenite trendies. The monied Sloane’s of Kensington. The shady street dealers of Shepherds Bush. From the ludicrously large Fur Trapper hats and skinny jeans, to the silver and gold Puffa jackets plus obligatory bling. The thigh length Cossack boots to the new Paul Smith stripy scarves. Postcodes struck in wool and leather and nylon as clearly as an assay mark. A friend once remarked that the onward march of the chain clothing store would eventually destroy all individuality in style terms. But be that as it may, just like the swallows flying south each year off to Capistrano following nature’s imperative, the winter looks are as clearly and definitively ingrained at a genetic London borough by borough level.

In Whitechapel it’s the portly types in the Primark Gangster collection crossed with JD sports sale items. In Chelsea it’s the slim model like folk in black Yves St Laurent mixed with Yamamoto. London brands its citizens by fashion and by income so very clearly at this time of year. I’m surprised it’s not on their passports – a second picture of them in full seasonal look. Oh the customs officer would say peering at the small image of them dressed head to toe in Burberry check. You’re from Stratford. Through you go.

And as certain as the winter fashions the other London winter signs are gathering pace. The chestnut sellers are back from wherever they go in the warmer weather. You’ll find them at every piazza or open space. Traditional London winter prices at about 90 pence per charcoal blackened cremated chestnut. Or to translate – £3.00 for three grudging half mouthfuls once you’ve discarded the charcoal and eaten the non burnt bits. And of course the ever perennial pre-seasonal dodgy perfume sellers. Honest guvnor’ this Calvin Klein is genuine. Just a litre for a tenner. The crowds swarming round them like hyperactive bumble bees on Ketamine. Sadly without the sense of your average drone. Stolen or not – no respectable crook is going to give four bottles of Chanel no 5 away for nothing. So come Christmas they’ll watch in baffled dismay as poor Auntie Vi’s face falls off into her soup or the smell from the bottle attracts Zombies from as far away as Peru seeking dead flesh. A little bit of Del boy mixed with Jeffrey Dahmer. Typical. You just can’t trust criminals eh?

But London’s street people are changing. The old perennials giving way to more foreign imports. From Romanian pick pocket gangs to increasingly rabid street preachers. I saw two the other day on opposite sides of the street. One a Yemeni Muslim the other an American Christian Evangelist. Both completely barking mad. Yelling weird slogans about saving us all. Finding our way to their truth. My immediate thought being what and turn into you two nut jobs?

Just like my last column I’m sure I could be missing something here though. Did they have a spiritual truth? But the answer is in fact no. I’m just not convinced my path to eternal salvation starts outside the Car Phone warehouse. With people unburdened by the pressure of sanity. Although, if it has to start somewhere for me, there has to be cakes. And in London right now there’s a new cake shop explosion. I of course refer to the new muffin places. Time was you’d be lucky to get a chocolate one. Now there’s a plethora of new places offering every type you could think of. I saw Passion Fruit and Peanut butter muffins the other day. Although, this could have just been the first day for the new guy. He’s off the medication now and his doctors are hopeful he’ll soon be able to live a normal life. Muffins I ask you. A new fashion. Who’d have thought it? £4.00 a pop or £1.50 per tiny micro mouthful. But I’ve been to five separate boroughs recently and they’ve all got these trendy looking new tea rooms. Or Café’s de The as they like to poncingly call themselves. It’s a studied look. Coolness and kitsch in one. Brushed Oak and steel benches next to pictures of polka dot pinnies and old posters of apple cheeked children at a gas stove.

Cake stands with frilly lace overhangings next to a sleek black ipod docking station. Earl Grey tea caddies next to Red Bull cans or those weird energy drinks you’ve never heard of with extract of ginko root and killer whale ears. And the people who run them? All the owners all look like successful architects with a hint of mental illness. The women. Prada meets a lady factory worker from the fifties. And the men all look like Bertie Wooster meets Karl Lagerfeld via Oxfam. The rest of the staff doe eyed eastern European beauties working for the minimum wage. Of course the word home-made figures prominently everywhere. As does organic. As do eye watering prices. But hey ho. It’s cute. It’s retro. It’s wildly overpriced. But do we mind? No. It’s a London thing.