Londoners Life 6 by Phil Ryan

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Londoners Life 6 – by Phil Ryan

I see the London spirit of Christmas is unrolling now. Which brings me to the real growing spirit of Christmas. Spirit. You suddenly can’t move at the moment in London for drunks. It’s not just me. Even the local paper round here commented on it. Maybe it’s the coming second recession? Getting on the tube on a Friday night after eleven nowadays is like getting inside a can of Fosters with seats. You just breathe in and you’re intoxicated. And take a look at Leicester Square at 12.00ish on a Saturday. It looks like a rehearsal for a Zombie movie. Shuffling shambling weirdos staggering down every side street. Like children’s puppets on Calpol. Admittedly some are the Hare Krishnas but you can usually spot them by the drummer. And as far as I know they don’t drink. Well not when on duty. I often try to imagine the nightly parade up at Krishna Head quarters. Right lads were going out now. Keep a good formation. Plenty of Hare hare’s. Flog those CDs like your life depends on it. Vishnu you were off time last night. Get it together lad! It’s up on the first syllable and down on the next. The rest of you try and look blissed out of your faces. You know the enlightened look. And keep that constant shuffle going. But I digress.

Seriously the drink issue in London is not hard to see. It’s like the 11.30 guy. You see him every weekend. Unconscious on the Circle Line. A line of drool slowly escaping from one side of his mouth. He’s slumped in his usual I’ve got no idea who or where I am position. His snores barely audible. He’s always in a crumpled grey suit. His tie way off at an angle. He’s probably missed his stop four times. But he gets home. Eventually. Somehow. A bit like pigeons I suppose. Some instinct. A navigation device provided by nature. But as a drunk he has to overcome one huge and deadly hurdle. A true London hazard. The hot dog guys.

These charming creatures are usually shifty looking murderer lookalikes and dress in the oddest uniform. Beanie woolly hat. Leather jacket. Jogging Bottoms. And nameless training shoes. They all smoke. Furtively. Most are unshaven and have that curious blue stubble face like a cartoon. Presumably it all comes as part of their training package. Just part of The Hot Dog University of London’s student body elite. Make no mistake. This is food for drunks. But woe betide the innocent tourist they entrap. Their next view of London will be gazing down one of our finest toilet bowls. A view of their hotel they really weren’t expecting. But as I say it’s the drunks who must be their main prey. You’d have to be drunk to be lured into buying one. The noisy sizzling. The heady aroma of onions and rat urine drifting like an unheavenly cloud on the breeze. The hot dogs or unidentified waste product as they’re better known in Environmental Health circles all soaking in the year old grease (as they cook for the ninetieth time). Only the completely inebriated cannot resist. Wily Londoners know this. Drunken ones flock like wasps round a jam jar. And you can often see where after consuming one they have charmingly decided to eject it! I believe the vernacular has it as pavement pizza. Still it beats an enema.
But with the sudden explosion in health food shop/cafes in London that’s often taken care of for you. London seems to have suddenly stealthily filled up with little trendy looking delicatessens on every off high street location. All boasting a small café area inside. You can’t miss them. Everything’s wholemeal. Staff included. And they all smell like an old stable. The shops and cafes I mean not the staff. Usually a cute little bell tinkles when you warily step inside. Like an old fashioned shop. Nice touch. But beware. Smiley young staff in forest green looking aprons stand about trying not to burst out laughing when you ask the price of a titchy jar of Andulisian honey. Trust me. Don’t ask. It’s all pricey beyond belief. But kind of nice in a trendy sort of I have too much money sort of way. I’m sure it all tastes very nice. I’m thinking of applying for a loan this week to buy some Cornish artisan otter cheese and two loaves of Kentish granary and grit bread. Don’t get me wrong I hate supermarkets. It’s just this lot are the other extreme. Food as fashion and a statement about you. Honestly. They don’t seem to sell normal food. Even when you sit down for a cup of tea to get over the shock it’s always Burmese green tea or burlap, wood and dandelion infusions whilst the cakes look like Buffalo excretions dusted with Bear excretions. It’s all about grains. Apparently. Nuts. Seeds. Earth. Natural roughage. Hence the free enema point from earlier. This stuff passes through you quicker than the time a Camden traffic warden takes to ticket a disabled person’s car. But it’s healthy I’m told. Smaller independent shops (which I’m all for) selling locally sourced produce. Look around. They’re everywhere now. And do we buy it. Yes of course we do. It’s a London thing.

Buy the perfect fragrance gift without leaving the house {Shopping}

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The problem with internet shopping is that when it comes to smellies…you can’t smell them. So until someone invents smell-o-vision we’re going have to rely on experts. Trouble is the experts are in the shops, helping out people who’ve made the journey into town…or are they?!

Buying gifts can be tricky, but help is at hand for men this festive season thanks to the new Boots Ask The Girls service, which will answer all their gifting dilemmas. With dedicated staff in selected stores and hints and advice on boots.com to help men with present advice, Boots is the perfect place to get women a luxurious gift that they really desire!

An incredible one third (35%*) of women have been disappointed with presents and a further 15%* claim to have been upset or angry about their partner’s choice, so it’s important to get it right. If you think fragrance would make a great gift for your girlfriend, but need some advice,  join in the Fragrance Gift Ideas Live

Chat on boots.com on Thursday 9th December between 1pm-2pm. The chat will be hosted by Boots fragrance training manager, Rachael Turner, who has over ten years experience in the fragrance world. Rachael is in-the-know on fragrance trends, and she’ll be on hand to guide you through how to select the perfect fragrance.

To join in the chat, log onto Boots.com this Thursday at 1pm.

Oxfam + Maths Expert = Formula for a Happy Christmas!

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7,000 calories, three weeks off work, 15cm of snow and no more than 10 hours of shopping. These are four of the factors that make Christmas perfect according to Oxfam Unwrapped, the charity’s gift range, which has teamed up with maths expert Chris Green today to unveil its formula for a happy Christmas.

The full mathematical formula looks like this (click to enlarge):

Rick Lay, Oxfam Unwrapped campaign manager, said: “Christmas is the busiest time for Oxfam Unwrapped. Around 80% of the money we raise is given over the festive period, so we were really keen to find out what makes people happy at this time of year; what makes a perfect Christmas.

“It’s great to see that ultimately, happiness at Christmas comes down to quite simple things, such as enjoying time off work to spend with friends and family.”

Key ‘happiness factors’ include:

  • Number of calories consumed on Christmas Day (any more than 7,000 calories and you’ll be too stuffed to enjoy yourself)
  • Amount of time off work (just one day off boosts happiness by 70%, with three weeks being the optimum amount)
  • Centimetres of snow (15cm is ideal)
  • Family arguments (more than five and happiness levels plummet)
  • Number of hours spent trawling the shops for gifts (any more than 10 hours and shopping-induced stress sees happiness decline rapidly)
  • Miles driven to see friends and family (0 miles is ideal, with 500 miles generating a 40% reduction in happiness levels)
  • The number of gifts you receive has an impact on happiness (6 gifts gets you to optimum happiness levels), but….
  • ….most crucially, how many gifts you give (even giving just one present makes a huge difference to happiness levels, increasing Christmas enjoyment by 50%).

Chris Green, the mathematician who compiled the formula for Oxfam, adds:

“We conducted research into some of the key factors that people associate with Christmas and calculated optimum scores for each factor.”

What’s your score? For any like-minded boffins out there who want to work out the formula for themselves, this is what your scores mean:

< 50% Roll on January!
50 – 60% Frosty the snowman
61 – 70% Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas
71 – 80% You’ll be rockin’ around the Christmas tree
> 80% You wish it could be Christmas every day

“The good news is that most factors that impact on Christmas happiness are well within our control. Also, despite a lot of people thinking that Christmas is overly materialistic these days, as the formula shows, these types of things aren’t that significant.

“Most people will score between 50 – 100%, any less than 50% and it’s a case of ‘roll on January’!”

Rick Lay adds: “With the act of giving gifts topping the happiness factors, we hope that it will make people realise that Christmas is a time they can make a real difference to the happiness of others. A gift from the Oxfam Unwrapped range will not only make friends and family smile more, it will change the lives of people living in poverty all over the world.  Surely that’s got to mean a happier Christmas all around.”

Avon Launch Singing Competition – 'Sing-Song'

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To celebrate it’s 125th anniversary, global beauty brand Avon today launches its biggest ever worldwide online singing and song writing talent search, ‘Avon Voices’. Supported worldwide by industry stars, including Black Eyed Peas singing sensation Fergie and song writing legend Diane Warren, contestants are competing for the rare opportunity to record a professionally produced album which will be available to buy internationally.
 
Entrants in to the singing search must be female and aged 18 or over, although both men and women aged 18 or over can enter the song writing search. Everyone is also invited to be a ‘talent scout’ by rating their favourite videos when they go live online on 1 January 2011. The Avon Voices celebrity panel will announce the 200 first round global contenders on International Women’s Day (8 March 2011), with the successful UK singers and songwriters being treated to a glamorous video shoot in Paris.
 
Further rounds will then take place in New York and Hollywood for those that are successful in the initial stages.
 
Anna Segatti, Group Vice President, Avon Western Europe and Middle East, comments: 

“In celebration of Avon’s 125th anniversary in 2011, we are inviting people from around the world to come together and showcase their talents. For generations Avon has been empowering women to find their individual voices, tell their stories and share their dreams. Now we are asking women to find their singing voices.  We are thrilled to have music industry legends on board to join us in the hunt for the UK’s next big star. If you’re an avid singer or songwriter now is really your time to shine and be in with an opportunity to win this once in a lifetime chance with Avon Voices.”

 

There’s a set song list for you to sing and it’s jam packed with cheesy uplifting female ballads. For further information including dates, voting and video submission rules,  visit www.AvonVoices.co.uk.

Gran Turismo 5 by Junior Smart. {Gaming Review}

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Gran Turismo 5

You can call me a bit of a cynic if you want but I always get just a tad bit worried when things are over hyped. Take my friend for instance; there we were both on the tube and he just stands there clutching his copy of Gran Turismo almost like he would a new born baby, looking at it so earnestly with love in his eyes.
“Yes…” he manages to say at last “there is a God! Heaven knows just how long I have waited for this…” In response all I can manage to do is just look at him pitifully, watching as a lonely tear rolls down his cheek before I say slowly “please man, just get a grip before I call in the Shame Squad!”

Mind you, I am sure that his response is fairly typical of many gamers around the world, Gran Turismo 5 is perhaps one of the most eagerly awaited titles since the Playstation 3’s launch almost 5 years ago and yes, gamers have been waiting that long. I remember when the first title came out on the Playstation one way back when I was in my teens. Here was a title that considered itself so good that it wasn’t just a racing game; no, it was a ‘racing simulator’. True to the hype being circulated, playing it provided an unbeatable ‘kid in a car showroom experience’, and indeed such was the sheer quality of graphics that many people rushed out and got their Playstations ‘chipped’ just so they could play the Japanese version of the game; a game I might add that they probably couldn’t even read. And guess what? If you were to ask any of them they would probably say that it was money well spent.

So here lies the critical problem with probably the longest awaited, most eagerly anticipated game of a generation – the issue of expectations. Just imagine going out to eat at a fine restaurant owned by say Gordon Ramsey. Yes you may have had to wait as long as it took to get Wagner booted off X Factor; but my gosh when that food get puts in front of you, you want it so badly and appreciate the hands that have cooked it so much that even if it comes short or doesn’t taste as nice as you expect you just accept it and brush the faults under the carpet and say ‘that was the best rabbit’s testicles I’ve ever tasted!’. Is it little wonder that all over the globe, so many reviewers have scored it 10 out of 10?

Well, no senor, I regret to inform the millions of racing enthusiast out there that it is not a 10 out of 10. I hate to say it but it is true. It is however still exceptional at what it is and that is providing a unique experience, good solid fun and breathtakingly detailed graphics.
From the start it seems that waiting is what this game is all about. After the endless teases that have come in the form of demos, screenshots and the Prologue; Gran Turismo 5 keeps up the trend from the moment you insert the disc. One of the first decisions you’ll face is whether to opt for a full install of the game’s data or get straight to the track and endure some drastically longer load times. I’d definitely recommend the full install as we found out to our peril loading happens for each menu screen you enter. But beware the install takes around 40 minutes. I found this really annoying as basically you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Owners of the older PS3’s will regret the day they bought the cheaper 40 GB machines as it takes a whopping 4GBs of space. Every time Ihad to wait I ended up looking at my PS3 and the more I had to look at it the more I thought it looked like an, erm…steak grill.
Once in the game though it is business as usual; that is race, open more tracks, race open more cars and more events etc. It is pretty formulaic stuff, but hey, if it isn’t broke don’t you dare try and fix it. For creators Polyphony, it is evident that they spent the last 5 years perfecting the detail. Take any one of Gran Turismo’s 1000+ vehicles out for a spin on the Le Man’s track at night and you will see what I mean. My mate ran out of ‘Ooohs’ and ‘Ahhhs’ and I have to admit there is an undeniable feeling of quality about the game. The reflections that glisten, the breathtaking backdrops, even the sounds of the engines come together in a beautiful entourage and are just so obviously meticulously rendered.

The original career structure of the Gran Turismo series is there, for example License tests, A-spec events, and car dealerships. There are some notable new additions as well like the B-spec Events, which give you the chance to create a team of drivers and coach them through a series of races. I thought that this would be an interesting concept but was immediately disappointed. It turns out all you can do is issue commands whilst you view from different angles. One serious question is why this is even in the game. Lets be honest the whole point of buying the game is because you want to be behind the wheel and not a spectator – if you want to watch a race you can just watch it on TV, so this is just worthless.

In contrast the Special Events are a nice touch and presents the opportunity to try out different types of events for example kart racing, which delivers incredible speed and requires different driving techniques compared to racing the regular vehicles. I found this part to be largely entertaining and a thrilling aspect to the franchise.
When it comes to handling I am pleased to report that the Gran Turismo driving experience is back. Tweaked a bit from the original, yet as fine as ever, the feel of the cars on the road is practically faultless, The trick is it knows what it is, it is a racing sim pure and simple, which means unforgiving turns, tight racing lines, acceleration balanced with brakes. The cockpit view has also been refined and whilst not as good as say Need for Speed: Shift’s cockpit view, it is still effective.

A subject of criticism lies in your competitor’s difficulty level. Early on in the game they are just a joke to be honest, however once I had increased substantially to a higher driver level, they weren’t just aggressive they became unpredictable. I understand that this is all to do with the learning curve but I think it gets ramped up too quickly, too high.

Another area of criticism lies in the much-talked-about damage modeling for the cars. I was frustrated to find that this didn’t fully come into play until later in the game and when it did it was laughable at best. When I opened the option I decided I would go all kamikaze and hit a barrier at 160mph, the result; only the bonnet and bumper was slightly damaged, I couldn’t help but think – are they kidding me? Fair enough the car manufacturers or games developers may not want to see their impressive beautiesdamaged in Hi Def but I do, and if you create an option for damage then expect it to be used. It should work and not be a downright con.

My last area of complaint lies in the faults created by the developers. For a game that took so long to complete I didn’t expect so many re-cycled tracks and that’s not the only area that lets this title down. There are some vehicles that seem to come from the GT4 era that just aren’t given the same ‘spit polish’ as the modern ones. On the track, in the heat of a race, admittedly it is difficult to tell, but close up and in replays it is obvious that their polygon count is lower and their shadows are jagged and kind of Playstation 2-esque. They just feel very ‘undeserving’ to be in this game.

So my final verdict – It is great to see the ‘racing game of excellence’ return after so many years. Yes, it is beautiful and also incredibly realised but like it or not, it does have its faults. Compared to other modern day race games I just couldn’t help but think that they could have put more into this, also it is worth noting that besides racing there is very little else to this game, to be completely honest there is only so many times a corner or a bend or another driver can be challenging, so this title is one for the enthusiasts only.

How Gwyneth got her body back. Tracey Anderson reveals all.

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GET STRAIGHT TO THE POINT WITH THE WOMAN BEHIND HOLLYWOOD’S HOTTEST BODIES

Gwyneth Paltrow was asked to gain 20lbs for her upcoming movie Country Strong, in which she stars as an alcoholic singer. Fitness expert and Gwyneth’s personal trainer, Tracy Anderson, had the challenge of whipping the Oscar-winning actress into shape before her high profile appearance on the Country Music Awards, so put her on a specialised routine of dance cardio and weight training.

‘For this role in country strong they had her gain weight for it. That was tough for me because we’ve worked so hard on her body. [During filming] Gwyneth went down from six days a week of training to three and she ate everything in sight,’ said Anderson*.

‘It didn’t take her very long to lose it, only took her a couple of weeks. It didn’t want to be on her anyway. Extra weight isn’t something that she owned.’

If you want a body like Gwyneth, forget so-called celebrity workouts this New Year – get straight to business and the body you want with the expert behind the most sort-after A-list figures. ITV Studios Home Entertainment presents personal trainer Tracy Anderson’s latest workout, The Tracy Anderson Method: Total Cardio Workout and offers you VIP access to the exercise secrets that transformed stars such as Gwyneth Paltrow, Courtney Cox and Shakira.

Shift the Christmas weight

http://www.shoppingblog.com/pics/gwyneth_paltrow_country_strong1.jpg

THE TRACY ANDERSON METHOD: TOTAL CARDIO WORKOUT will be available to own on DVD from 27 December from

Need for Speed – Hot Pursuit {Gaming Review}

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Yes indeed this is fast love…

Playing the original on the Playstation one was a thrilling affair for me years ago, taking me back to a lost youth spending many days on the legendary coin-op machine Chase HQ. It was fun and invigorating but much more so with my friends huddled around my bedroom on the weekend – it was more than a hook up it was ‘an event’. Hearing that Hot Pursuit was to have a makeover by none other than race masters Criterion got me all worked up, it was a bit like hearing Red Rum was going to race at the Grand National.

From the get go when it comes to presentation Hot Pursuit is one hot looking piece of totty. Game developers Criterion pulled out all the stops creating this game. Visually the game stops just short of astounding. Driving the vehicles is every young boy’s dirty dream and delivers a dramatic rush of adrenaline; the environments are just so outstandingly realised, drenched in detailed vistas ranging from mountainous slopes to bridges, towns and waterfalls. Race in the daytime and akin to ‘Burnout’ the lens flare will singe your retinas. Race through the night and you will squint to pick up the road ahead through the illumination of your headlights. Race in the midst of a thundering rainstorm and you will have a hard time keeping your eyes on the road because you want to gaze upon the next crackle of lightning. In case you aren’t getting my point Hot pursuit features some of the most highly detailed graphics I have seen in an age bar the game legend that is Grand Tourismo. So good is the game engine that it not only delivers impeccable detail but it does so with the smoothness of a well whipped ice cream. No matter how fast you go or how many people are on the screen it doesn’t blur or slow down.

Although it is a part of the Need for Speed franchise Hot Pursuit is mercifully without a tedious storyline. Thank heavens too it is also without a free-roaming world. All that nonsense removed means that the entire game is based around providing the finest race and chase experience.

Choose from an incredible array of predefined events spread over Hot Pursuit’s aerial view of ‘Californ-i-a’ alike Seacrest County. Much in the same way you did in Burnout before all the free-roam lunacy took hold, you choose your events – we all know the drill; forge a career, time trials, straight forward races, cop chases, concept and exotic duels, the staple diet of most racing games are all here for the taking. Progress is achieved by finishing in the required place or by gaining the required points via take downs or arrests and as you do so more tracks open and new vehicles and equipment become available. It’s a tried and tested formula, but this time with a twist – in career mode and online Hot Pursuit splits the game play experience between both ‘Cop’ and ‘Racer’ components, meaning that you’ll play on one side or the other depending on the event you chose and build up independent driver profiles for either side of the law. This brings a refreshing variation to the game as you require different skills and tactics dependent on what side of the law you are on. For example cops must work together to shut down racers, while the racers themselves are competing for first place in a ‘dog eat dog world mentality’.

The power-up system is well judged as is the learning curve which is both rewarding and frustrating at the same time. The equipment that you receive for achieving levels of success range from spike strips that can be dropped to pop the tires of pursuers, as well as ‘fast and furious-esque’ EMPs that target vehicles just ahead of you with a system-crashing boost of energy. The power-ups that you gain in this game were never going to be able to compete with the neon fantasy of other racing titles such as ‘Blur’ or the extraordinary explosions of ‘Split-Second’ but lets face it – they weren’t supposed to. For all the fantasy that Hot Pursuit offers it is grounded in reality, and that reality is at its best when cops and weapons are involved.

Here lies my first area of criticism I found the ‘Racer’ side of the career just a little bit…erm redundant. Besides the chase modes, the head to head duels and races were just too stripped to my liking. All you get are racers, nitrous boosts and…well…that’s it, no cops no nothing. I found myself wondering if the cops were at the doughnut shop and whether I should join them because to be honest these type of races are boring compared to the rest of the game and lack any real thrill, worse still they happen far too often and go on for just a tad too long. It would have been so good to have elimination rounds, nitrous boost rounds, something, basically anything to spice these tracks up because to be frank, besides the scenery, after a while they are…well…dull.

Online modes are what takes the game to the next level and at the heart of Hot Pursuit lies a gem in the form of a superbly integrated ‘Autolog’ hub. A very ‘facebook’ like addition to a racing game and built obviously with the aim of reimbursing the social aspect of the original title. Here you can add friends, post images on your wall and set fast times that will show up on your friends logs when they play the game. You can even post news about scores that you’ve just beaten and this adds a huge competitive element to the title. Racing just got a lot more compelling.

Another serious area of criticism to be made is regarding the Artificial Intelligence level especially in the offline modes. Sometimes it goes soooo beyond the call of duty to ensure that every race is nail-bitingly close that it bends conventional rules and even laws of gravity. For example I can recall a number of races where I took competitors out of the competition by slamming them over a cliff or hitting them with a spike strip yet within seconds they were in my rear-view mirror. How does that happen? Are they driving cars designed by ‘Q’ out of James Bond? No it is not good and not possible.

I also got the feeling that this game wasn’t sure what it wanted to be, whether it wanted to be a simulation or an arcade type racer. Certainly with the effort put into the graphics you get the feeling that this was meant to be a world class racer. Compared to ‘Split-Second’ I found the steering to be too overly weighted in comparison and often you need to pull real precision tight racing lines even in the shortcuts to be successful, all this screams ‘Racing Sim’ to me. Yet there is no manual transmission option, there are police on your tail, power drifts, nitrous boosts and spike strips – this seems to say ‘arcade’. In my opinion the game fares worse for not knowing or investing completely in what it is meant to be.

My final verdict? – well don’t get me wrong, for the most part this is a thoroughly enjoyable title, full of adrenaline, action, gorgeous graphics and some show stopping sequences. However is it a 10 out of 10? Hell no, it is more like an 8.7.
In my opinion it just pinches past the post in front of its rivals but not by that much. But it must be said that this title is still a fast love that you will want to spend a lot of time with.

by Junior Smart

Oh, Big Ceri got ‘da Yuletide Blues…And he got it Baaaaad {Ceri’s Column}

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Bah Humbug

Yeah, to this day I have no idea what the hell that means. Sounds cool though…plus it’s a pretty apt opener. Predictable but…bollocks I’m deconstructing my work before I’ve even started. Right, onwards….

I am an adult. I know, shit isn’t it? I didn’t think I was one. I know now, I am. Why? Fucking Christmas. I never thought I would EVER take the lord (‘s days) name in vain. Just did though.

When one starts regarding jolly old Xmas as the season of seemingly pointless spending, you’re an adult. When tinsel starts looking cheap and flammable instead of pretty and magical, you’re an adult. When shopping centre Santas seem like paedophiles, you’re an adult…an awfully presumptuous and cynical adult, but still….

 ‘Tis the ball-aching-wallet-emptying-overdraft-raping season to be grumpy. Food costs too much. Gifts cost too much. Christmas crackers? Cardboard and toys made by Cambodian orphans, (I’m sure they tried their best) – Waaaay to pricey.

So many rituals we adhere to for the year’s final month just perplexes me. Why are gifts put under an Alpine/Scandinavian/East Anglian evergreen tree? Why do we tell kids a corporate figure invented by a popular soft drink brand (*Cough* Coca-Cola *Splutter*…that doesn’t work in writing…) visits them at night depositing these often numerous gifts? Why do these stupid fucking kids believe us? Why do we hang large socks in a frankly greed-frenzied plea for even MORE gifts? Why do we hang shit on the tree? Why do we hang plastic, or if you’re middle class like me, glass orbs from the tree? Why does the reindeer, an animal that is quite obviously inferior to most mammals you can eat, play any part at all? I like jaguars; where the hell are the big cats at Xmas? Why must Santa have an army of supernatural beings at his (probably huge) house/sweatshop, slaving away all year round making upwards of 20 gifts per child for every (Northern Hemisphere based) child in the world? Kids these days want stuff you can buy at Argos, why do these elves bother? Why is he called St. Nicholas? He isn’t St. Nicholas. That was some Turkish Christian who died before William the conqueror was born…uh….I think….Yeah, feel free to correct me on that one.

I remember that I used to really adore Christmas for the first 10 or so years of my life. Then it became OK…I mean, I still got a tonne of free stuff. Now, it’s hell.

 When I was a child I left out sherry and mince pies for “Siôn Corn” (Welsh for Santa Claus…it means “John Horn”…no idea why). I also left carrots on our worryingly accessible roof for the flying reindeer. Every morning, before even caring that I’d just hit the toy-jackpot, I’d check to see if my red coat wearing idol had eaten and enjoyed my offering. He always had. One Xmas, as a personal, “Mum and Dad can be oh so funny sometimes”, semi-child-hating prank, my dad ate the offering, (Yes, Santa doesn’t exist) and left a note. It read, in Welsh of course:

“Hello Kids,

Thank you for the Tesco mince pies and the glass of sherry. But, for future reference, I like scones and 7Up more. I still left you prezzies, but next year can you try and get it right.

Merry Xmas,

Santa”

I wept. A lot. The bike I opened 25 minutes later did help assuage my weeping, but my one seemingly gigantic cock up in trying to appease the only “real” supernatural being in the world haunted me…until I worked out he wasn’t real 2 months later.

Yes, I was a cynical little bugger at the age of 7 too.

But how I worked out he was fictitious is a good story. It isn’t a funny story – just an important one. A story every child should be told at the age of 7. My painful discovery would soon become a time honoured rite of passage if every child had the event described below forced upon them. I’d be a pioneer…in dream shattering…actually, just forget I said that. Ugh

Any-fecking-way, I was watched an episode of The Simpsons, (the only TV show I’ve loved and continue to be entertained by since my early childhood). Bart had tried to catch Santa, or something. I don’t really recall the plot that well, but that’s the gist. Yeah so it turns out that Santa was actually Homer or…some other character just dressed up as old St. Nic. The utter soul-crushing devastation washed over me and drowned my childish dreams. It happened to be that I was young enough to understand that he couldn’t possibly be real. I mean, I had a relatively advanced grasp of logic for a pre-teen, (I have been raised in a family of both real and cod philosophers sprinkled with a healthy dash of teachers, dentists and I’m sure there’s a lawyer or two…God, I’m so middle-class). But it also seems I wasn’t old enough for this fact not to hurt. I’d had an inkling he can’t have been real – I used to think, “He goes to every home in one night?”, “How does he only get most and not all the gifts on my list if he’s so awesome?” and, most logically of all, “Why did the standard and number of my presents sharply increase when my dad got promoted?” But it was the knowing he didn’t exist that nearly killed me.

Now if this event became the norm, kids could get saved from this ultimate trauma.

Is this how Dr. King felt when delivering the “I have a dream” speech?

Jeez, I overstep the mark faaaaar too often. Right, eggnog latte time.