*WARNING! CONTAINS SPOILERS*

Back in 2007, Michael Bay admitted he originally did not want to make the first Transformers movie, calling it a “stupid toys movie”, until Steven Spielberg changed the premise to “a kid and his car”.

It suggests that Bay was unsuitable to take the reins of a live-action Transformers movie. Despite this, the first film was a huge hit, considering it was during the year of threequels (Spider-Man 3, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End and The Bourne Ultimatum). The follow-up, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, was plagued with a script that was barely finished, thanks to the writer’s strike, and although resulting in a complete mess, still made $800 million worldwide. So now the inevitable conclusion to the trilogy has come around and, as much it is a slight improvement to Transformers 2, it’s still no good.

The plot starts off with Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen) making a monologue (you know, like he did with the last two movies) about the war of Cybertron (which could’ve been a potentially better movie if explored further). It’s revealed a ship managed to escape, but lands on the moon, heavily damaged. John F. Kennedy (worst rotoscoping effects I’ve ever seen) authorises Apollo 11 to land on the moon and document footage of the crash site.

Flash-forward to the modern day, Optimus Prime learns about the ship and finds his mentor, Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy). Sentinel mentions his mission was to take the pillars away from Cybertron, so it’d be out of the Decepticon’s reach. Though we eventually find out the Decepticons raided the ship long before, while also revealing Sentinel made a truce with the Decepticons, betraying the Autobots for the survival of Cybertron.

The problem with these movies (a flaw since the first film), is the Transformers feel more like supporting characters, but shouldn’t they be the ones leading the movie? They barely get any screen-time whatsoever. Instead, Bay focusses on the human characters; Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), Lennox (Josh Duhamel), Simmons (John Tuturro), Epps (Tyrese Gibson) and Ron and Judy Witwicky (Kevin Dunn and Julie White). We’re also introduced to a whole new bunch; Carly Spencer (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley), Mearing (Frances McDormand), Bruce Brazos (John Malkovich), Dutch (Alan Tudyk) and Dylan (Patrick Dempsey).

The problem with 11 characters vying for screen time is that they too get very little development. So, in essence, we have a film where we don’t have anything or anyone to relate to. We just don’t care about anyone. Live, die, I’ve dropped my popcorn – emotionally,  it all feels the same.

Anyway, it starts off with Sam having a hard time finding a job, but also bothered that he’s been awarded a medal by Barack Obama for saving the world twice (though technically once, since he did squat in the second film). The man clearly has angst, yet still barely makes any contribution to the narrative.

Meanwhile, the character of Carly feels it was originally written for Megan Fox’s Mikaela, but with the name changed at the last minute. Rosie’s previous “acting” experience was being a Victoria’s Secret model (also being in a VS commercial, directed by Michael Bay). It’s no surprise then, that her purpose in the film seems to be none other than to exploit her looks in the most juvenile way possible. Her performance in this film is terrible. She really brings down the film and she’s just as bad as Megan Fox (early contender for Worst Actress, put my money on it!).

The scenes involving Sam working for Malkovich could’ve easily been cut out, as could The NEST team (led by Lennox). Their sole purpose is to allow Bay to exploit his fetish for everything military. All of these characters act like cardboard cut-outs and deliver lame attempts of humour. Especially Ken Jeong’s character, Jerry Wang, who at one point locks Sam in a toilet stall and says to him “Deep Wang” (just to really force it down your throats, he says it three times and then says: “Get it? Deep Throat”). One for the kids, that.

In fairness, the action sequences in this film have been improved – no longer shaky-cam or close-up, but wide enough to see. The climactic battle at the end of the movie is very well done, but is literally the only thing worth watching. However, 90% of the battle is focused on the humans and barely on the Transformers. As much as it features Autobots and Decepticons beating the living daylights out of each other, Bay wants to have his fix by having soldiers parachuting out of a plane in flying squirrel suits and gliding down in Chicago (which was such a good plan that only one plane out of six made it).

The other problem is, as mentioned before, you just don’t care if any of the characters die in this big, winner-take-all, devil-take-the-hindmost shoot out. Plus, the tone in the film is all over the place. For example, Carly gets kidnapped and Sam is forced to spy for the Decepticons. It’s a scene where Sam grapples with the decision to betray his friends, only to go straight into pure slapstick humour. If you looked up the words ‘killing a scene’, it’d have a link to this film next to it.

A live-action Transformers movie could’ve gone any other way, but Bay decided to take this route and we’re supposed to accept what we have in front of us. The phrase people say when going to go see this movie is ‘leave your brain at the door’. Well, I honestly think it comes across as having too low standards and being easily amused. Don’t get me wrong, I like blockbusters as much as the next person, but I DO have a brain (we all do!).

Inception proved that you don’t need to dumb down your movie to attract mainstream audiences and become a box-office hit. You can bring good story-telling with some amazing set-pieces, instead, we just get a movie that’s all style and no substance. I don’t expect everything to be a Terrence Malick movie, but I at least expect a blockbuster that entertains and doesn’t insult our intelligence. If only Bay had watched X-Men: First Class.

Overall, a typical Michael Bay movie. Loud, incredibly dumb and exploitative as hell (in the worst sense)! The characters are bland and pointless, the Transformers are treated with no respect (especially Optimus Prime) and the plot is nonsensical. The worst summer movie of 2011 and one of the worst movie series ever made!

2 out of 5