Should People Who Don’t Have Children Be Allowed To Tell You How To Raise Yours?

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Before I was married and had children I would always say that people who weren’t married should not give advice to people who are married, and that people who don’t have children, shouldn’t give advice to people who have children. Now that I am married and I have a child I can tell you that my belief has only hardened. I know that is controversial. I know some of you might want to slap me right now. I am worried that some of you may even thing I am coming across a bit Andrea Leadsom. But this is not a smug parenting thing. It is not an us versus them: it is simply the fact that parenting looks very different from the outside, and that unless you have been in the trenches, you have no idea what it is actually like.

There are some anomalies: live-in nannies, childcare professionals and the like. But if you don’t have extensive childcare experience, and you don’t have any children of your own, then don’t tell me how to raise my child. You would be surprised how much this happens. There is one specific person who criticises or makes a negative comment about my son, and how my husband and I are raising him, every time we see them. It takes everything I have to not point out to this person that they have never been around a child in their life and should therefore STFU. It is not even that this person has a point. Each criticism is something they have to seek and is nonsense: a comment on how our son is dressed etc.

General unsolicited advice is infuriating at the best of times, but when it is people telling you how to parent it is especially annoying. Being a parent is hard. There is no day off, no breaks, and certainly no sick days. I once worked on a film, a West End play and organised the launch party for Frost all in one month. It was brutal and relentless, but it was still nothing compared to parenting. To go back to my point about parenting looking different from the outside; before I had a child I would hear a baby crying, or be in a restaurant wondering why people were just letting their children run around. Now, there are still some days where I think what are you doing? (because I am human), but the thing is, that parent has probably done everything they can to stop the crying baby. The parents in the restaurant are just so tired they can’t move. You don’t know what lead up to that point or what that person is feeling. They are not doing nothing, they have already done what they can.

So don’t tell people what there child should be wearing or eating. Don’t tell them to shut their child up. The child has just as much right to be speaking as you do. Don’t be that person rolling your eyes because there is a baby crying on the bus (like I was!), because until you become a parent, you have no idea how hard it is and if you have one of your own you will feel very guilty indeed.

So should people who don’t have children be allowed to tell you how to raise yours? No. I am trying to swear less now I am a mother so I will use an acronym: that person should STFU.

 

 

Things That Suck About Being Pregnant

pregnancy, things that suck about pregnancy, pregnant, baby, hatePregnancy is supposed to be an amazing time but it doesn’t always work out that way. My mother always talked about her wonderful pregnancies and, in truth, I don’t think I ever heard a negative pregnancy story from a family member or friend. Sure there were some truly awful stories in the media and, although I found them horrifying, I cast them out of my mind. Which is why I am pretty annoyed now. Pregnancy is not this magical thing people told me about. It is not a magical time at all. Okay, creating our child is wonderful and I would not have it any other way but wonderful or any other such word does not encapsulate it. In fairness, my pregnancy has been termed ‘unlucky’ by my doctor. It is a bit of an understatement due to the horrendous acute morning sickness but, never mind. Here are my pregnancy rants. Feel free to add your own because ranting is good for the soul.

Bump Molestation

Seriously, what is up with this? Today I actually had a stranger molest me from barely underneath my breasts all the way down. I may have been in a sitting position but it was not appropriate and if it had not been an elderly woman she would have at the very least been slapped. It is not okay to touch a pregnant women’s bump without asking her. And even then, keep your hands to yourself unless you are a very close friend or family member. How would you like to be felt up? Especially when you are creating a life and feeling very protective of your bump? This brings me on to my next rant….

A Women’s Body Does Not Become Public Property When She becomes Pregnant

Not only does this mean NO TOUCHING but it also means you don’t get to tell her what to eat or drink, how to exercise or how much weight to put on. You don’t get to make comments on how she looks or what she does so mind your business.

The Unsolicited Advice

Your pregnancy choices were good choices for you. Only share them with other pregnant women if they ask. If you are a man, keep quiet unless you are a doctor and a question is asked. Also annoying is pregnancy advice from women who have never been pregnant. I mean, really?

The Constant Personal Questions

When people find out you are pregnant they ask you everything from what you are going to call your baby, what the sex is and how much weight you have put on. It really is too much. People seem to forget their manners when they are in the presence of a pregnant woman. If you feel uncomfortable just smile and avoid the question or say you are not sharing that information publicly yet.

Morning Sickness

As Miranda says in Sex & The City, ‘I don’t know why they call it morning sickness when it lasts all fucking day.’ Exactly Miranda, exactly. Some woman get barely any morning sickness and some, like Kate Middleton, get acute morning sickness which is otherwise known as hyperemesis gravidarum. Morning sickness is not fun. Think of your worst hangover ever and then think about suffering through it everyday for about three months, sometimes longer. There you go: morning sickness.

Not being Able To Tell Anyone Why You Are So ill

The chances of miscarriage are high in the first 12 weeks so you are recommended to keep your pregnancy to yourself. Suffering in silence is not= fun and colleagues will probably notice something is up. Just know you will get to the end of it.

Having To Do All of the Stuff You Did Before

There is a popular quote that Ginger Rogers had to do everything Fred Astaire did but backwards and in heels. Well, pregnant women have to do everything everyone else does but whilst dealing with morning sickness, being kicked internally, headaches, muscle pain, nausea, random pains, tiredness…the list is endless. The pressure for pregnant women to not let anyone down and act like some kind of superwoman is tremendous. The reality is: pregnant women should be given some slack. If you don’t like that, just remember that the little baby they are creating will be paying for public services in your retirement.

The Fact That EVERYTHING Hurts

I mean everything. From your head to your legs to your vagina. A lucky day is when it doesn’t hurt all at once.

The Constant Worrying

I stopped reading the pregnancy literature before 12 weeks. I could not take it. Even now the stuff overwhelms me. Sure, things can go wrong in pregnancy but do you really need to know about every single thing that could go wrong? No, you don’t. So relax and read a magazine or a good book instead. Ignorance is not bliss, but somedays it is easier.

The Glee of Awful Things To Come

Too many people take such glee in the fact that, apparently, you will never sleep again, nor have a life. People can seem pretty happy because they think that having a child will ruin your life or career. Ignore these people. They are jerks.

What are your pregnancy rants?