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On Becoming a Mother When Your Own Mother Lives Far Away

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pregnancyWhile becoming a mother brings on a tsunami of new emotions, becoming a mother when your own mother lives in another country (or kingdom in my case, I live in London, my mother lives in Scotland), adds a tornado to the mix. I remember walking around The Baby Show while heavily pregnant, trying to bury down the melancholy because it seemed that every other woman was there with her mother.

My mother was there for the birth of my son. Not in the room, but she came down for the week. Unfortunately I was in labour for five of those days and she barely got to see her grandson before she had to head back up to Scotland. He was born in April and she didn’t get to see him again until January and is only seeing him again now, in October. It is slim pickings indeed. It hurts as she misses the milestones. It hurts that she doesn’t see him on a regular basis, get to cuddle him and breathe him in. We FaceTime and that makes a difference, but as the months go by it just isn’t enough.

It has been hard being without my family a lot in my life, but it is so much worse after you have a child. My brother has childcare whenever he needs it, day or night. My mother saw my nephew grow and become the 5-year-old he is today. I missed seeing my nephew grow up. When I saw him after a 6-months or 12-months gap I would not recognise him at first. Such was the incredulousness of this little boy being the baby that was my nephew. My mother even missed my son’t birthday weekend. We both felt that.

I only saw my mother once when I was pregnant and by that time I was six months gone. I had an awful pregnancy and missed having my family around me. I wish I could take my mother to the park with my son, have lunch with her, see him cuddle her and take her by the hand. It has been almost ten years since I moved to London. I always knew the move was permanent, but I was so young getting married and having children didn’t enter my head. Raising your own family so far away from your own can feel like a stake to the heart. I miss my family everyday, but more than that; I miss them seeing my son grow up. I guess the upside is that when we are with them we make the most of it. It is all the sweeter for being rare. It is a small consolation.

Should People Who Don’t Have Children Be Allowed To Tell You How To Raise Yours?

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Before I was married and had children I would always say that people who weren’t married should not give advice to people who are married, and that people who don’t have children, shouldn’t give advice to people who have children. Now that I am married and I have a child I can tell you that my belief has only hardened. I know that is controversial. I know some of you might want to slap me right now. I am worried that some of you may even thing I am coming across a bit Andrea Leadsom. But this is not a smug parenting thing. It is not an us versus them: it is simply the fact that parenting looks very different from the outside, and that unless you have been in the trenches, you have no idea what it is actually like.

There are some anomalies: live-in nannies, childcare professionals and the like. But if you don’t have extensive childcare experience, and you don’t have any children of your own, then don’t tell me how to raise my child. You would be surprised how much this happens. There is one specific person who criticises or makes a negative comment about my son, and how my husband and I are raising him, every time we see them. It takes everything I have to not point out to this person that they have never been around a child in their life and should therefore STFU. It is not even that this person has a point. Each criticism is something they have to seek and is nonsense: a comment on how our son is dressed etc.

General unsolicited advice is infuriating at the best of times, but when it is people telling you how to parent it is especially annoying. Being a parent is hard. There is no day off, no breaks, and certainly no sick days. I once worked on a film, a West End play and organised the launch party for Frost all in one month. It was brutal and relentless, but it was still nothing compared to parenting. To go back to my point about parenting looking different from the outside; before I had a child I would hear a baby crying, or be in a restaurant wondering why people were just letting their children run around. Now, there are still some days where I think what are you doing? (because I am human), but the thing is, that parent has probably done everything they can to stop the crying baby. The parents in the restaurant are just so tired they can’t move. You don’t know what lead up to that point or what that person is feeling. They are not doing nothing, they have already done what they can.

So don’t tell people what there child should be wearing or eating. Don’t tell them to shut their child up. The child has just as much right to be speaking as you do. Don’t be that person rolling your eyes because there is a baby crying on the bus (like I was!), because until you become a parent, you have no idea how hard it is and if you have one of your own you will feel very guilty indeed.

So should people who don’t have children be allowed to tell you how to raise yours? No. I am trying to swear less now I am a mother so I will use an acronym: that person should STFU.

 

 

Mindful Mama: Happy Baby, by Maja Pitamic and Susannah Marriott Book Review

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Mindful Mama- Happy Baby, by Maja Pitamic and Susannah Marriott Book Review

 

I have to confess, I haven’t read a lot of parenting books. I keep meaning to, but find it hard to find the time. I managed to find some time for Mindful Mama: Happy Baby as it looked interesting. It has a number of things going for it: it is easy to read, fun and full of ideas. I am not into mediation or mindfulness, but I found the activities interesting and will use some of them with my son. The book has games, songs, dances and outdoor activities. The book breaks the activities down by age and has a development chart too. The book is well-illustrated and has clear instructions. funnily enough, I recognise some of these activities from my own childhood so there are a few classics.

I liked this book and will be doing some of the activities with my little one. This book is fun and educational.

Mindful Mama: Happy Baby is an accessible guide for new parents using mindfulness techniques and Montessori activities to bring calm and confidence to the early parenting years. Susannah Marriott has published a number of successful parenting titles, while Maja Pitamic is a Montessori teacher and author of the best-selling I Can Do It, also published by Modern Books.

 

Over 60 mindful activities and play ideas for bonding with your child

 

Sensory games, songs, dances and outdoor activities to share

 

Advice on nurturing, feeding, bathing, sleeping and carrying

 

Meditative techniques to relax your mind and keep you calm

 

Mindful Mama: Happy Baby is a practical and accessible guide for new parents, designed to give you the skills to calmly navigate the early years of child rearing, from birth to three years of age. Mindful parenting makes time for meaningful interactions with your child, which have a profound effect on bonding during the crucial developmental stages.

 

Emphasis is put on the well-being of both parent and child, as well as the importance of bringing peace and perspective to the emotional whirlwind of having a new baby. As your baby grows into a toddler, the exercises change, allowing this age group to fully explore the world around them and engage their senses in a fun and playful way.

 

Playing with a child with awareness daily is the most mindful thing we can do as parents. It shows children we are available and passes on the self-acceptance that comes with engaging fully with an activity. As children reveal their personalities and unique ways of doing things so we learn from them, our relationships with them become richer

 

Both practical and inspiring, Mindful Mama: Happy Baby gives you and your child the building blocks for an enjoyable and mindful first few years.

 

Maja Pitamic is the author of I Can Do It, the successful Montessori activity book for ages three to five, as well as the co-author of I Can Make Music, Modern Art Adventures and 3D Art Adventures. She has over fifteen years’ experience teaching young children and holds degrees in Art History and Montessori Teacher Training. She currently lives in London.

 

Susannah Marriott is a freelance author and mother of three. Her books include Green Babycare, Natural Pregnancy, Pregnancy Herbaland The Pregnancy and Baby Book. Her writing has appeared in Weekend Guardian, The Times, The Telegraph, Marie Claire, Zest, Shape, Top Sante, Healthy and Junior. She currently lives in Devon.

 

Also available in this series:

I Can Do It (Sept 2015) and I Can Make Music (Sept 2015)

Mindful Mama: Happy Baby

0ver 60 calming techniques and creative activities for babies and toddlers

by Maja Pitamic and Susannah Marriott

Published by Modern Books – 25th August 2016. @modernbooks.

RRP: £12.99

 

 

MumsThread: On Traveling in London While Pregnant

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I love London so it is quite hard for me to write this piece. Now I love the tube, but it does bring out the worse in people. Everyone just wants to get home and it can be over-crowded and hot. So, excuses for my city over let me get to my point: traveling in London while pregnant is awful. Really awful. The entire time I was pregnant I was only offered a seat a handful of times and only once by a man. The man made his teenage daughter get up for me. I will be eternally grateful to him. Anyone who has ever been pregnant knows that being offered a seat while carrying another human being inside you is a pretty big deal. I had an awful pregnancy with acute morning sickness and low blood pressure throughout.

The truth is, even when wearing the great badge that TFL send free to pregnant women, most people will just bury their head in their book and turn their iPod up louder. The Baby on Board badge will spark good people to do the right thing, but sometimes it seems like there are too few of them.

Not getting a seat wasn’t the worst of it. While on the way to have lunch with one of my role models, the editor of one of the biggest magazines in the UK, I was pushed TWICE down an escalator by a man who wanted to shave a few minutes of his journey. I was walking down the left hand side whilst seven months pregnant. I guess pregnant women don’t walk fast enough for him and he pushed me twice hard, and also tried to shove me out of the way. I made my feelings clear to him, but I was shaking from head to toe. The upside is that a wonderful woman stopped to stroke my back and make sure I was okay while glaring in his direction. I am very thankful to that woman. It really helped me cope. It proves that a little bit of kindness goes a long way.

I still find it depressing that only one man offered me a seat when I was pregnant. He was even a tourist FFS. Add on the fact that, at most, five people offered me a seat in my over 41 week pregnancy then I am going to have to give us an F Londoners. It is not good enough so let’s try for an A+. We are the greatest city on earth and we can do better than this.

Please let us know about your experience of being pregnant in London.