Author Archives: Phil Ryan

About Phil Ryan

Phil Ryan is a writer and musician. He gets about a bit.

Londoners Life 25 by Phil Ryan

Posted on by

Well the snow didn’t hang around thank goodness. But it’ll probably blast back in March! Right now I’m trying to avoid the Mayoral election nonsense. It’s very simple really. All of them are pointless to a large degree. Ken and Boris are arguing about high tube fares who’ll put them down or up – the fact of the matter is that whatever they are far too high and the service is lousy and continues to be lousy. And the fringe candidates are basically invisible. The mad Green woman who looks like a bush was spouting off about punishing car drivers again to save the planet. The failed ex-cop was going on about more police. Er that’s about it. So we’ll get stuck with a fight between two fools who are all about self-promotion and self-advancement. I’ll never forgive Ken for many things but his most offensive crime was building that hideous City Hall building opposite the tower of London.

Desecration. They should lock him up in the Tower Of London and force him to watch Londoners blowing it up as he’s pelted with rotten fruit! And Boris’s ludicrous billion pound buses will arrive soon. Why don’t the pair of just set up a permanent photograph of themselves being laser beamed onto the clouds above London. We get it guys. You love yourselves and couldn’t care about Londoners. Under both of you everything went up, life got harder, travel got worse, more taxes appeared and ultimately you have bugger all power. Remember folks your vote is essentially worthless. Nothing ever gets better or cheaper. Remember that. They could make one of the Muppets Mayor at least it would be entertaining and cheaper.

Travel in London really is getting to be a soul destroying experience. This Friday I had the horrible experience of arriving back at Victoria by train at around 6.30pm. Trying to get to the underground across the station was like swimming in a tide of bodies. Angry depressed bodies who were rooted to the spot necessitating a weird ducking and diving route – it was like a giant desperate game of pacman. And when I finally got to the tube the platforms were pleasantly six deep. Apparently two other tube lines had gone down (the usual reasons – aliens at baker street – a wave of indifference at St Johns Wood – badgers with guns at Charing Cross) and now Victoria was reduced to holding back groups of commuters behind gates a completely common occurrence the miserable and clearly suicidal guard guy told me (I think they’d taken away his laces and belt before they stuck him on the platform with his little microphone). It certainly wasn’t for the faint hearted. London’s underground system seems to just swallow tons of public money now and I honestly can’t see much difference. It’s over-priced and over-crowded (I’m sure that will improve during the Olympics with the expected six million extra journeys they’ve predicted – oh joy)

Talking of our much anticipated London Olympics we now learn that this money sponge for the amusement and enrichment of corporate sponsors and construction companies is into another revelatory moment again. Turns out that the ticket fiasco continues with an American ticket printing company getting the contract to print the tickets instead of a British company, the second revelation that most of the merchandise and goods are produced in China by Chinese companies and just when they couldn’t break anymore promises and commitments we now find out that they’ve let an American company sell tickets to Americans that we Londoners can’t get hold of! I notice that we grabbed back Mr Fred Goodwin’s title what about Lord Coe. If the guy told me it was the morning I’d check with five other people plus look out the window. For a London event paid for in the main by Londoners the guy has simply lied to us time after time. Virtually everything he has promised Londoners hasn’t materialised. And don’t get me started on the LOCOG bunch. Slightly darker in the way they operate than the Syrian regime they have been quietly flogging off the buildings and land to foreign property developers and foreign corporations. The London Olympics? I don’t think so. It’s the International Greed Olympics with all the gold going out the country to everyone except Londoners and Great Britain. But it’s a done deal. Nothing can be done. That’s total corruption with complete government backing for you.

But to finish on a positive point I’ll return to my usual trend spotting game. It really is the new Korean revolution alongside the sushi invasion. Loads of places called Bim Bam Bong and Noodle Beng Bim Bom Bang (Okay I am making these up) seem to be popping up. Udon Noodles are now the order of the day. Just an FYI Udon noodles are those fat disgusting long ones with the consistency of rotting slugs and a similar discomforting sensation when swallowed ( not that I’ve swallowed rotting slugs but go with me on this one) They have also copied that clever Japanese canteen style of making you sit on a cold and cement hard plank like wooden bench. This of course causes people’s buttocks to go numb at the same time that their stomachs are being paralysed with tasteless horror food. All together more of a punishment than a dining experience. But hey it’s fashionable. And in London we like our variety. And when I asked some people I was jammed next to recently in a Korean restaurant what they thought of the food they all told me it was challenging! Very London. And despite the pointless mayoral elections and Olympic fiasco do any of us truly care. No. We just get on with our lives. Why? It’s a London thing.

UK PLC The new reality by Phil Ryan

Posted on by

UK PLC – The new reality by Phil Ryan
I’ve been travelling around the country recently and I’ve become aware in some classic indicators that tell you a lot about the state of any country. So in this new series of articles I’ve decided to examine just a few of these indicators. To give you a brief idea of what I’m referring to I’d like you to consider the following. Many local high streets now have up to 30% of empty and shuttered shops. Larger closed shop premises are now being converted into housing. The fastest growing high street shop openings in the UK are now Pawn Shops and Money Lending outlets coming second to fast food outlets. Another huge growth sector are private bailiff firms and security firms. The biggest spike in TV advertising revenues has come from a plethora of constant afternoon and late night Loan adverts now running almost on a loop. Many local Church groups have turned into Food Banks ie they appeal locally for non-perishable foods and now run weekly drop in sessions supplying poor families with basic foods. And if this weren’t bad enough these groups are noticing the change in the financial and social makeup of these families not to mention the growing demand for assistance. Unsurprisingly there has been an exponential growth in the number of personal debt handling companies. These are the kinds of companies who combine all your debts into one monthly sum and deal with the companies you owe money to. And in a twist that I’ll explain in another article there’s also been an absolute explosion of gambling outlets including bookmakers, slot machine parlours and wall to wall TV, radio and press and poster advertising for national and local lotteries.
So to get us going I’ve picked one of these indicators at random. So let us take a quick peek at the online Personal loan sector. And let me be clear at the outset. The kind of people taking up these online loans are generally those who cannot get access to funds anywhere else due to poor credit history, no assets such as property or vehicles of worth and age and employment status. Just by Googling unsecured loans and entering a few requests I found deals depending on individual criteria starting from APR 9.9% then 175% and finally most at around 2,400% – 4,214.00%. Yes you didn’t misread those last figures. They make up the most common deals available. The most popular loans are for payday loans ie a loan to help people have funds to live on before their next pay cheque goes into their accounts. Previously most of these kind of financial acrobatics were carried out by people juggling credit cards. And of course this generally applied to the low and medium paid. However with living costs rising on all fronts the low paid net is embracing more and more people. This due in part to the fact that people’s wages are fixed and do not rise to reflect price hikes in fuel, travel, food and living accommodation expenses. And the access to credit cards has been severely reduced forcing many people into using the new high street and online ‘money supermarkets’.
So how does it work? It’s very simple to apply. You fill out a form with all your personal details on, you give the company almost complete access to your bank accounts and financial profile and within minutes they mail you an ‘offer’. Note that word. An ‘offer’. In other words virtually anyone will be offered a loan. However this ‘offer’ is often ‘time sensitive’ forcing people to make a quick decision and although it does offer access to money the rates it charges are often eye wateringly expensive. These ‘offers’ rely on a mixture of reasonable sounding language and the disingenuous ‘warnings’ regarding the fact the loans should be considered ‘short term’ only. So effectively people become trapped as they become mired in debts that they can in fact ‘service’. In other words by paying constant small amounts they can gain access to funds. But before you say they shouldn’t take up such terrible loans consider this salient fact. What else can they do? High street banks have stopped both personal and business lending to an absurd degree. The toxic criteria they now set are designed to bar most people. Just as an aside I thought I’d ask my ‘personal banker’ at a well-known high street brand for a small loan of £5,000 just to test the water for my article. Despite being in funds and having property, and being a customer of over twenty years he felt I could only have £3,000 BUT and this was almost Kafkaesque part I had to put £3,000 into my account before they would grant me the loan. Huh? I needed £3,000 but had to find £3,000 that presumably I didn’t have hence the need for the loan in the first place. Wow!
Anyway moving on. The new online loan companies are now mining a massive new client base of those who have no other avenue to funds. And let us be clear these are funds to pay for necessities and not fancy cars or restaurants. I am of course aware that it is the loan appliers own ‘choice’ to accept or not accept but despite all my thoughts of them changing jobs, moving to more affordable accommodation etc in many cases they simply cannot. They are in essence trapped by their own poor financial circumstances. And at the mercy of the high street and online loan companies who have in effect gained a client who cannot leave. And they cannot leave for the obvious fact that their financial circumstances are such that they can only pay off their loan in regular instalments – and now the hook – the instalments slowly rise and rise as the massive APR kicks in over time. As for the ‘these loans are short term only’ line put out by all these companies they know full well that anyone desperate enough to use them will struggle to leave in a short period of time. And so legally they can trap their clients into paying huge interest rates giving the loan companies huge profits and a compliant client group. Just for fun imagine borrowing £5,000 for a year at 4,000%.
So we’ll keep taking UK PLC’s pulse with a look at other indicators into what’s happening to its citizens right now on certain levels across the country. And I hope just this one tiny glimpse into the UK’s new financial success story has informed you a little. The shiny and bright online loan companies that provide money access to families and individuals with their friendly advertising and jokey campaigns. I’ll finish with the news that the boss of one of these wonderful companies recently received an award for services to the financial sector from a grateful government.

Londoners Life 24 – by Phil Ryan

Posted on by

Londoner’s Life 24 – By Phil Ryan
Abandon hope it’s snowing! I hope you all note that I your Frost London columnist predicted the snow! It arrived last night as I left a fantastic Thai restaurant on the Harrow Road (more of a café really as it’s the size of a large packet of cornflakes) But it’s called Boys Thai and its cheap and good. I got in the car to return home and all my fancy gizmos kicked in to stop me sliding all over the shop. But on my very slow and careful thirty minute journey home (usually fifteen) I passed three cars broken down and two crashes! Admittedly the wind was fierce and cold and the snow was falling steadily but wow. But it’s North London not Alaska. If the Iranians would switch from trying to make nuclear weapons to making snow we’d all be screwed! As I sit and write the airports across London are closed, the trains have virtually ground to a halt and only one or two tube lines are running a service. It’s barely three inches out there. I just measured it with a ruler.
And so my fortune tellers guide to the London media this week in sound bites (with the actual truth in italics).
Council spokesperson: “We had our gritters out immediately and found the snow fall outpaced our capacity. And of course our main priorities remain vital main roads as opposed to residential side streets” TRUTH “Sid and Kamil from the depot bumbled about a bit dropped a few tons of salt we had out the back in the remaining trucks we didn’t flog cheap five years back and went home. We haven’t got that much salt as it’s expensive and the lads don’t like going up side streets as they can’t drive at breakneck speed”
Airport spokesperson: “We would like to apologise to passengers for the ongoing disruption but we are attempting to maximise passenger safety” TRUTH “Listen cattle these planes ain’t cheap so we are not going to get any of them grubby or damaged just for you whiny lot. Plus what do you expect for £60?”
Government spokesperson: “The recent snowfall has been unprecedented however we have a good stock of road salt and are confident that our efforts to keep the roads and transport systems running will be successful” TRUTH “Suckers”
The Mayor “I would like to congratulate all my departments for their valiant efforts and my colleagues at TFL for keeping London moving” TRUTH “Every bloody year the same disaster er do you reckon the great unwashed will forget about it in the coming elections?”
So the cold weather will probably result in the usual paralysed city nonsense for a week or two and then we’ll forget about it and carry on like we do every year. My advice. Panic buy weird stuff to confuse the big 4 supermarkets. Don’t buy water and bread. Buy paper napkins and Peruvian Beaver tea.
And yes the London Mayoral elections are slowly unrolling. And of course it’s the usual two clowns. The Boris and Ken nonsense as usual. Not a decent candidate apart from that ex civil service woman Siobhan Benita who actually seems normal. But don’t quote me. You have Brian Paddick for the Lib Dems who seems to resemble Beaker from the Muppets more and more. His grand idea is to increase Police numbers in London until we all get our own constable apparently. Then for the Green Party that mad old bint Jenny Jones whose hair appears to expand year on year until she comes across as more of an animated shrubbery than a human. Her ideas include and I’m guessing here – free bicycles on the NHS – solar powered clothing and returning to living in caves to cut down on greenhouse gases. And in truth what do they all have in common? Taxation. Yes that’s about it. They all stand around dreaming up new ways to charge us for stuff that was once free and they promise us a glittering new future with wind powered triple decker buses made out of wicker and better schools etc etc. My local council Camden (or the Politburo as they are usually known) have been busily closing down most of the things we pay Council Tax for (begging the question what do I actually get for my money – answer – very little apart from an overbearing grim implacable bureaucracy) And now they’re handing over most of our libraries to small local consortia as they don’t want to pay for them anymore. And I like the idea in principle instead of them being closed and flogged to private vampiric property developers, although it’s great for Camden who can now waste even more of our money on digging up the streets on a monthly basis and voting themselves pay rises.
But local libraries could be the new community centres if the locals get it right. Cheap cafeterias, things for toddlers, the unemployed and the elderly. But how does it get paid for. Yes you’ve guessed it. We’ll have to pay for it. Not a lot mind I understand. A quid a go probably. Side effects local cafes won’t be delighted and nor will those who USED TO GET IT FOR FREE.
Ho hum. But finally back to the snow fall in London. I just watched the news and the truth is we’re doomed. Apart from the sounds of champagne corks popping in the British Gas offices I can hear nothing – just the sound of happy kids and damp parents from every park across town. But is it a problem? No buses no tubes no trains. Nah. Why? It’s a London thing.

 

 

Londoners Life 23 – by Phil Ryan

Posted on by

Yes the cold snap is starting to hit London. Weather forecasts predict us being hit with snow flurries very soon. And we all know what London does when 2 centimetres of snow arrives! And just as we were coming to terms with the white death we then then got more scares over an oil depot going into receivership. Now we get stories about also being hit with petrol prices in London shooting up to £2.00 a litre and all of us freezing in our cars as we ran out of fuel in sub-zero temperatures on the M40. (Although I suspect they are just softening us up as they’ll get to that petrol price level within 6 months at this rate anyway regardless of oil depots closing – not including death on the M40) And for the first time ever I briefly toyed with the idea of one of those electric cars as I am noticing more of those blue charging posts as I whiz around town in my gas guzzler. But to be honest when all is said and done they are just old fashioned milk floats with a bit more comfort and zero style. I mean have you seen those G-whiz things. Is it me but does everyone who drives them look huge and somehow ghoulish – little eyes screwed in concentration as they avoid trying to hit a pigeon or a crisp packet which would probably spell instant death for them and anyone stupid enough to be their passenger. They look like damaged egg cartons with comedy tiny wheels where a human has been forced inside like some novelty act from Cirque du Soleil. And you can feel the smug waves coming off them from a hundred feet away. Look at me I’m saving the planet. But to balance it out they all look very weird and devoid of cool and have the tensile strength of a bowl of porridge. And yes I know the new Renault ones look a lot more cool – but still drive a Renault? However London of course is now leading the way with more and more electric vehicles now being put onto our streets to silently mow down children, the elderly and the slow moving. Many London Councils are rolling them out as Council vans and maintenance cars. Quiet death from your local service provider. Perhaps they’re thinning out the vulnerable in a bizarre cost cutting drive nothing would surprise me where local Councils are concerned. (I think Westminster have introduced recently culling of the poor haven’t they?) But the march of the electric car moves forwards. Green yes but you can’t hear them coming!!!! If I had my way I’d fit them all with a loud clockwork toy noise. That’d brighten up your day wouldn’t it?
One observation I’ll make is about the various foreign embassies we have across London. Some of them are in the weirdest of places. For instance Tonga’s embassy is in a residential street off the Hendon Way – how very glamorous. But others have very swish addresses in Knightsbridge and the West End. But my main thought is the amount of protests outside half of them. Concerned citizens of each country seem to now gather on a weekly basis to shout at those inside. I’m not sure the rulers of the various countries are paying much interest and my guess is they’re not actually in the building. The Ambassadors are probably somewhere else too – you know getting piles of Ferrero Roche at some fancy black tie function. So in effect the protesters are shouting at a bunch of secretaries and cleaners. But I realise they have to show these repressive governments that in London at least free speech is fine and dandy. Good luck I say. Although I do get a bit miffed when the protestors attack the poor police folk who turn up trying to keep the peace. I’m not sure it’s sending a signal to Syria to stop killing their own people by punching Constable Smith sharply on the nose. But when they protest here we’ll protect them which of course is right and proper. But then sometimes they shout about the fact that we in Britain shouldn’t let their bad governments stay in power while often shouting anti-western slogans. All very confusing I fear.
Now a new bugbear with me in 2012 is London Theatre ticket prices. They seem to be heading skywards and I’m not sure it’s healthy for good theatre. I realise that with rising rents and costs these shows are costly but come on. Half the theatres are up to £85 for a seat you can actually see the stage from and don’t even get me started on the cost of drinks and snacks. Just like cinemas and service stations it seems that theatres are now operating an ‘alternative universe’ policy. Whereby the costs of normal things are inflated to such an extent that people hand over the cash whilst still in a state of shock. On what world is a bag of Maltesers £5.00 and a glass of wine £9.50! I’d take all the impresarios knighthoods back just like they did to Mr Fred Goodwin. So Mr Macintosh and Mr Lloyd Weber tell me when is it reasonable to pay £5.00 for two mouthfuls of ice cream and £10.00 for a programme? A paperback novel costs less and has had a damn sight more creative energy poured into it. If you honestly want kids and anyone on a low income to embrace the theatre stop being so damn greedy. I originally thought that Wicked and Les Miserables were show titles not descriptions of how the pricing policy works and makes the audience feel.
Finally more rip off nonsense from The Olympic legacy Company. It seems that us Londoners have paid £93 billion pounds to give away land, housing and stadiums to a host of private companies who will charge us through the nose to either visit or use facilities we’ve already paid for! I think every scrap of Olympic housing stock should be turned over to Social Housing – after all it was paid for by the public. And the stadiums should be free to Londoners who paid for them whether they wanted to or not. And look out for the ridiculous concept of Stratford International Station whose train station doesn’t even connect to Europe directly! Instead you have to slope off back to St Pancras. Shouldn’t they just re-name it Stratford Local or something? But when you ask the locals they just shrug and smile about the whole fiasco. Do they care? No. It’s a London thing.

 

Londoners Life 22 By Phil Ryan

Posted on by

Londoner’s Life 22 – By Phil Ryan
Good grief you go away for a week (a quick jaunt to sunny Tenerife) and they flood Oxford Street, paint lots of new double lines around Westminster courtesy of the greed and misery commissars that run the place and ratchet up the Mayoral campaign nonsense with a he said no he said between Boris and Ken voraciously covered by the TV news and papers leaving all the other candidates to waste their time on futile media campaigns that no one pays a blind bit of attention to. But that said leaving London for a week let me take stock of the general state of our new found recessionary status. Most London Councils are now slashing meals on wheels for the elderly whilst at the same time raking in more cash from those living (trapped) in council accommodation by shoving up the rents by 8% and shoving up parking costs by 10% in some places. I could be missing something but is it me or is London slowly returning to the time of Dickens? It is his centenary celebratory year after all. It seems to be a new strategy of lets attack the poor who are clearly the cause all this economic misery after all. It’s the feckless poor who ran the banking system into the ground as any fule kno. What next work houses? My own Council the completely terrible Camden are happy to announce grand schemes to commission art works and big glass media hubs for the new windswept areas around the ghastly acreage of Kings Cross. And then they close most of the libraries! A bit of a cultural faux pas surely? Hm. But enough of such grim tidings I hear you say what about something positive in all the gloom and doom in London. Well there’s the Olympic bandwagon trundling on with boom times predicted for the hotels and restaurants, so that’s something eh? But what about right now?
Tricky to be honest. It’s a bit gloomy generally in our fair capital. I wandered around the fabulous Spitalfields Market on Sunday to see stallholders staring at each other. Xmas spending fatigue one told me whilst another chap pointed out the now constant sales running on every high street. So shopping in some areas is nose diving especially the cuter arty markets – however Westfield in Shepherds Bush resembles a mad scramble to buy everything that’s not nailed down. It’s like a scene out of Planet of the Apes most weekends now. Only most apes are better dressed and seem to have more manners. So I think with Brent Cross set to expand we have arrived at the true dawn of the year of the shopping centre. The poor old London high street really is at the last gasp saloon. Even the efforts of the wonderful Wedge Card people trying to save our local shops with their brilliant supportive of local traders discount scheme is fighting an uphill struggle and quite rightly deserves our support. Conversely the parasites at Groupon appear to be draining the life out of many a small London trader – their mealy mouthed PR angle being we’re sending lots of new customers their way. And in a way they are right except the amount they take on the deals they offer makes it impossible for some of the small traders to enjoy their new customers before they’ve been driven out of business. Hm. I’m sorry to report I appear to have hit a bleak streak. It must be the weather.
Three new businesses lasted 3 months in my own area recently before biting the dust. Doh! There I go again. But positive London stuff I hear you cry – where’s the positive? Well the many museums are gearing up for lots of late night events which are fantastic and generally free – er there’s the latest dining craze to hit the capital and yes it is the flood of Sushi restaurants opening everywhere. Not my cup of tea but Londoners seemingly can’t get enough of that raw fish. I’ve always loved the food fads that ripple across London. Of course of late another fad is the shisha cafes springing up everywhere. You see trendy young things enveloped in a blue fug of sweet smelling tobacco whilst guzzling a latte and pomegranate juice! It’s like being in the middle eat without the bombs and oppression. And finally the wave after wave of tiny apartments on sale fill the Evening Standard most Wednesdays now. They’re all called The Point – The Hub – The Quarter – The tiny overpriced box where you can hear downstairs evacuating their bowels (okay I made that one up) But London’s property struggle is now forcing more and more poor sods into these ghastly blocks with a view over a petrol station or a railway bridge. The pictures make them look great. Just go and stand next to one to get the true picture. Hemmed in with a council estate that’s twinned with Kabul, they are attempts at gentrification that really miss the point. Oops I went all negative again! But I suppose they are homes after a fashion and many seem okay in price although most are in charming places like Kidbrooke (deemed too unsafe for gangs to live in) or Catford (deemed too unsafe for Mammals to live in) But do people still buy these rubbishy little boxes. Yes they do. And do they seem to mind? No. It’s a London thing.

Londoner's LIfe 21 – By Phil Ryan

Posted on by

The big sleep is over and now we begin to take stock of the year ahead. And for Londoners the hardest thing to come to immediate terms with are the usual high price rises on the tubes, trains and buses. It now being cheaper to travel in London by car! Honestly I worked it out. 2 people in a car popping across to say Camberwell (not of course via the congestion charge zone that’s only for the super-rich and white van drivers). Not very green I’ll grant you but very nice. Comfortable and clean. You get to listen to your own music and not the tinny wasp farting noises from the headphones of the JB sports clad gimp in the hoodie glaring at his iphone from a seat saying for pregnant ladies and the elderly. In an average sized car you shouldn’t use more than a fivers worth of fuel per trip. Cheaper than two Oyster card worth of trips. Of course there are a few drawbacks to this concept. Thanks to Camden and Westminster Councils whose Chief Executive Officers are more like Afghan warlords than public servants nowadays you can’t stop easily. Not without facing the ludicrous parking charges and restrictions they so delight in inflicting on us AFTER public consultations. Where are these public consultations? We had one in Camden once about the greatest con trick of all – the dreaded Residents Permits (or a tax to use your own street every year). The Council sent out a questionnaire using hysterically loaded questions. DO YOU WANT STRANGERS FILLING YOUR STREETS AND RAPING YOUR FAMILY? Tick A or B. You know the sort of lies they use. A bit like the new green re-cycling madness. I now have SIX bins. I’m not making this up. Everyday some trucks trundle up and down my street taking away stuff. It’s getting very specific. I saw a bin by a bus stop that said only suitable for 18th century manuscript paper with a picture of Jane Austen on it for the hard of hearing.

But in an Olympic year my favourite new London game is spotting the very tenuous Olympic links everyone is using to push prices up. Of course top of the charts are those soulless parasites the London estate agents. Every borough I’ve been in recently apparently is perfect to access the Olympic stadium from according to estate agents boards and ads. Including far flung spots like Barnet, Roehampton and Ilford presumably viewing the Olympic Park by radio telescope. Of course there are those local areas directly around the stadiums who are also twinned with Helmand Province in the safety stakes which they handily fail to point out! I’ve also realised the prices going up now will presumably not fall afterwards despite the fools and suckers buying an overpriced flat to see a waste of money that only lasts a month. That’s property in London I guess. But many new terrorized folk will at least be able to shuffle around the Stratford Westfield shopping centre or take in the empty velodrome. The great legacy is getting vaguer. But the areas are certainly being built up. Mainly ‘so called ‘luxury’ apartments with names like The Point, The Wave and The Shoe Box (I made the last one up) But take a wander around Canning Town station to see the ghastly rabbit hutches being thrown up left right and centre. With ceiling heights too low for the average hobbit and walls thinner than a cream cracker these ‘architect designed’ monstrosities will presumably fill up quicker than Cheryl Cole at her next sacking. And bizarrely they all have tiny balconies allowing them to see other people on their tiny balconies. Just a sample of the new examples of the wonderful ‘design’ we can expect over the coming property developers feeding frenzy Olympic year.

And on the subject of London’s ever changing design I have to say the new layouts around Exhibition Road in South Kensington are just very surreal. Apparently it’s all based on a Dutch concept of ‘space sharing’. In plain speak it means ripping up the pavement, covering the surfaces of the roads and streets with curious red and white flat cobblestones and then letting pedestrians ‘share’ the road space with cars. It’s akin to the way that South Africans ‘share’ the coast line with Great White Sharks. I was having tea in Le Pain Quotidien amusing myself by watching baffled tourists soiling themselves as various Buses and cars apparently mounted the side streets they were walking along and chased them. Window shopping suddenly stopped being ‘charming’ instead becoming a kind of game of chicken. It’s a very nice concept. A bit like socialism. But in practice it turns a quiet stroll into a dice with death. Very exhilarating I’m sure but not great for the terminally nervous. And as for the locals do they like it. No not really I was told. But did they care? No not really. It’s a London thing.

Londoner's LIfe 20 – By Phil Ryan

Posted on by

Ah the London January sales! This year they have an added importance in that according to figures they may be the last big spend before austerity 2012 is completely with us all and we have to start rooting through bins courtesy of George Osborne and his millionaire pals. However getting Londoners to give up conspicuous shopping is akin to getting fish to give up water so don’t hold your breath on the collapse of the high streets just yet. So after re-adjusting to the fact that the great vague days were finally over and I could leave the twilight zone days of Christmas behind me I headed into Town. My local Council have opted for the most pathetic decorations this year – basically about ten bare bulbs and some decaying green glitter from last year blu tacked to it – giving the entire high street the appearance of a walk in STD clinic with slightly less cheer. As usual for the holiday period I had lost track of which day it actually was – constantly checking my blackberry for re-assurance. Not that which day it was mattered technically. Everything shuts or opens incomprehensibly in London at this festive time especially our superb Transport network (this year I think they were trying a ‘use your legs replacement service’ approach). The surprise strikes from the unions seem eminently reasonable as they always are at this time EVERY SINGLE year without fail. Struggling by on a £40,000 plus salary with free travel must be a drag. And I do see that working on a day you don’t fancy is a bit of a pain. But didn’t they sign up for it when they started or are their working days a pick and mix job for them? Sweet huh? Usually I support unions but this lot are now officially beyond a greedy joke. Not I might add that I have any warm feelings to the bozos that allegedly run TFL (including I might add a lot of them on hundreds of thousands of pounds to run a lousy and uncoordinated service) That all said after just twenty three handy and in no way inconvenient changes by way of Cardiff I found myself at Bond Street tube.

A friend had invited me to meet for tea and somehow just to kill some time I found myself wandering through some shops on my way there. In a sale! Oh my god. House of Fraser looked like a scene from a Bosch painting. Grim faced loons squashed together like battery chickens rummaging through masses of ugly jumpers and shirts that are only in fashion during a total eclipse. Lines of ever grimly smiling staff carefully re-folding everything a matter of minutes later. The only thing missing were bare buttocked devils gouting fire from their eyes although I think I saw a few queuing up at the Calvin Klein concession. Still in shock I made the terrible decision to pop into HMV in Oxford Street where the staff had dropped all pretence at being anything but hacked off. Two wardrobes in shirts saying security kept bellowing “Don’t block the aisles it’s a safety hazard MOVE PLEASE MOVE it’s all about SAFETY” and glaringly waving their walkie talkies around like surrogate light sabres. The counters were manned by gimlet eyed dudes who at least seemed quite chilled when they took your money although they did all have a glassy rohipnol look about them. I suspect they’d been given something. But my favourites were the harassed looking shelf re-stockers. No sooner had they ripped open a box of whatever the manic punters gathered behind them were after they would hiss loudly “Please wait until we have put them onto the shelves” presumably muttering the words “you ravenous mindless scum” under their breath judging by their pained expressions. I saw a crowd six deep virtually slobbering as for some odd reason they waited patiently behind a makeshift nylon tape barrier as some Harry Potter boxed sets of DVD’s appeared. There was a surge for goodness sake. A surge. Some grinning HMV manager kept shouting only a few left. Which quite frankly just fanned the flames. But it clearly gave him a thrill. One punter was actually holding a wand and he looked to be about thirty four.

Making my escape I finally ended up in Selfridges which I think now holds the outright London award for amazingly surreal prices and stock next to Harrods. I looked at a tie which had been slashed from £300 to just £200. And then I ran my fingers over some shirts which would’ve made Stevie Wonder gag. Honestly, bright just doesn’t come close to describing their lime electric silk and leather splendour. But just who is wearing this mad stuff and where? Especially the latest in sartorial elegance the Swarofski crystal encrusted training shoes a snip at £700.00 a pair. They finally broke my wafer thin desire to stay and fight through hordes of slow moving crowds all in thrall to the great shop. Trying to make my way down the street was like taking part in some alternate universe flash mob comedy penguin shuffle. So I left. By taxi. Heading for Patisserie Valerie and some sanity. And as per usual I noted that everything I eventually bought wasn’t in the sale. Ho hum. But do Londoner’s feel the sales are a rip off. Probably. Would Londoners like all the visitors to the sales to naff off? Definitely. But do they worry themselves about such issues? No. It’s a London thing.

Londoners Life 19 – By Phil Ryan

Posted on by

Londoners Life 19 – By Phil Ryan

Well a big hello after my absence. Had to finish off two novels and some other projects. But I’m back in time for my New Year review. London has had a busy old time in many ways. We’ve watched the giant money hole of the Olympics steal more and more of our money, we’ve had a bit of rioting, a bit of demonstrating and a bit of a recession. And how’s it left us Londoners? Well certainly the gap between rich and poor continues apace – some areas in London now resembling scenes from the aftermath of an apocalyptic plague movie whilst other tangibly smell of cash and cashmere. This gap can also be measured in ever sky rocketing house prices. Whilst everyday living costs creep ever higher. So for my review of 2011 here’s a quick list of a few London change indicators.
• Starters in restaurants now seem to cost as much as a main course
• More restaurants have replaced their chairs with those highly comfortable solid wooden thin benches from a Victorian prison
• A trip to the cinema for two is coming in at close to £25.00 and popcorn has broken the £5.00 ceiling
• There’s a new demonstration every day in Town not to mention various permanent demonstrations at tourist sights
• The Oyster card now only offers minor convenience in getting in and out of stations but cleverly hides the ever spiraling travel costs (until you have to top up)
• Parking in London is now only affordable by the wealthy or the desperate
• London Councils have finally abandoned all pretense of caring about their residents.
• Shops have sales every other week
• Sushi restaurants are taking over
So goodbye to 2011 with your momentous world events that touched London but didn’t fundamentally alter it in any way. For keen power player watchers we’ve had scandals and phone hacking saga’s that apart from the closure of the News of the World don’t seem to have changed the main players. Our Bankers carry on as normal apart from those lower down the food chain losing their jobs. So from a Londoners perspective what’s 2012 going to be like? Well it’s going to be more expensive across the board from transport to accommodation. The Olympic gravy train will roll in and out inconveniencing us all (of course TFL will run a fantastic tube service with an extra 6 million people on board) And there’ll probably be another uplifting parade to celebrate the royal baby that will undoubtedly appear in time for the Queens Jubilee celebrations. Closer to home still Hammersmith Bridge will be finally replaced by Lego as that seems more robust than the one they spent millions of our taxes on ‘repairing’. The Mayoral election will shock us all when a surprise last minute candidate bags the top job. Said candidate being that bloke off my big fat gypsy wedding. And London Councils will begin plans to cull the poor.

Looking back I’m left with some of my favourite moments from what I can only describe as ‘spokespeople’. TV and Radio reporters grabbing that all important human interest moment out on the street. So from ‘Rioters in Tottenham’ we had (from young guy number 1 with a hoodie and face mask carrying a large plasma TV) “It’s all about Iraq” (from young man number 2 with a hoodie and face mask number) “It’s about anger. We’re angry about being angry”. From a ‘St Pauls Cathedral Camp protester’ (who looked slightly the worse for wear) “I came to support these people and whatever it is they’re protesting about – it’s brilliant whatever it is and they gave me a tent a spliff and some soup I mean how great is that?” From a Christmas shoppers laden with about ten bags “Yes we’re cutting right back this year” and from some religious loon with a beard “Threatening death for us is an argument it’s not unreasonable”. So Happy 2012 to us all and whether its Ken or Boris as Mayor, whether we win gold medals or flog the Olympic venues for a tenner to a friend of Lord Coe’s as Londoner’s we just won’t care – It’s a London thing.