I feel I am about to kick up a feminist hornet’s nest. Or maybe just a hornet’s nest generally. As marriage is now far from being the done thing it has become something else: controversial. Marriage used to be common, most people did it and to not be married was frowned upon. The face of marriage has changed and it may have taken until 2013 for same-sex marriage to be legal in Britain, but finally it is. (For same-sex couples marriage really is an achievement)
But let’s get back to the case in point. Is getting married an achievement? It is certainly one of life’s milestones. A marker for growing up and going into the next stage of your life. In the current issue of Red Magazine (November 2013) writer Emma Barnett wrote in an article titled, ‘Who’s Afraid Of The F-Word’, that at a mentoring morning at The London Eye she was asked to say something cool about herself. She spotted her soon-to-be wedding venue and said,”I’m getting married in that building next month.” Glowering from a fellow mentor ensued and she reprimanded Barnett for using ‘getting married’ as an inspirational thing for young women. “How was that a good example?” the woman hissed. I am with Emma Barnett on this. Some lightheartedness is needed. It is completely okay, and completely feminist to personally think that getting married is inspirational.
At an event recently I was in a circle with lots of other women. We all had to list our achievements and say what we wanted in the future. Most of the women wanted to be married with kids and have their own business. So maybe this is a gender thing. Women still want to have it all.
Let’s use work as a metaphor: you go on dates (job interviews) and meet people. After the preliminary stage you start to date (the trial basis) then you become girlfriend and boyfriend. If both are compatible and work well together they become a partnership (marriage). If marriage isn’t an achievement, then finding someone to marry certainly is. After all; the dating industry is worth over £2 billion.
During the hype of The Royal Wedding it is fair to say that I, along with my female friends, were looking at how happy Kate Middleton looked and wondering when our boyfriends would propose. After all Kate had waited years for William to propose, gaining the nickname ‘Waity Katy’ by the press during that time. Everyone felt sorry for this long-suffering royal girlfriend. But didn’t she have the last laugh? Beaming in the engagement photo, you can’t say she did not have a look of achievement on her face, and a wedding watched by billions of people which cost millions. (Taxpayers millions but that’s another matter) It is fair to say that 2011 was the year that women stated to rethink marriage. Almost as a lifestyle aspiration. Or at least their feet dragging boyfriends. Who wants to be someone’s girlfriend when you can be their wife? Quite a few people I am sure, but no female I actually know. To be fair to my now fiancee, in 2011 we had only been dating for a year.
For the cynical and anti-marriage of you I will make it easier to not to get annoyed. After all of the bad dates, dodging of wandering hands, tears over inappropriate men (or women. Whichever is your ticket) what I will say is that finding someone to love and who loves you back is an achievement, and finding the love of your life even more so. Which brings me on to my main point: When I asked my friends whether marriage was an achievement this is what they had to say:
Paul Harrison Dakers; Staying married is an achievement – getting married is easy . . . . .
John Nelson; Depends on how smooth, fun and enjoyable the experience of the wedding vs. going through the ritual and the costs creating stress. Also, I would argue that the getting married part is much easier than keeping the marriage healthy and happy ’till death do you part. Now THAT is the challengeShimelle Laine @glittershim: @Balavage my biggest wonder about it all has been that I spent 28 years of my life thinking I would never want to marry. Never say never! I love being married but can’t think that *getting* married is the achievement. Staying happy forever, perhaps that.
@threestain @Balavage: it is an achievement to get through the planning. And a blessed relief to be married. And fun :)
So it would seem that finding The One is an achievement and staying married is an achievement and so is planning and getting through the actual wedding. But just getting married is just getting married.
Personally, to me getting married is an achievement. I never thought I would find The One. I never used to even want to get married, too much of a career girl. But I am now older and wiser. I know that you can have a career and a personal life, and more importantly, I know that the latter is much more important than the former; while women thought for years to have our place in the workforce, this doesn’t mean we have to forsake everything else and see marriage and babies as old fashioned things our mothers did. A career will never keep you warm at night. But this is just my opinion. Everyone is different. For me marriage is like sex: you don’t want to do it just for the sake of it, only with the right person at the right time.
What do you think?
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