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Getting Married? Tips to Avoid the Mother-in-Law From Hell By Dr. Deanna Brann

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wedding planning, wedding, weddings,Author of Reluctantly Related Revisited: Breaking Free of the Mother-in-Law/Daughter-in-Law Conflict

Tara was at her wits end. She has been nothing but nice to her fiancé’s mother, but no matter what she does or says it never seems to make a difference. Tara is already on the verge of tears when, out of the blue, her fiancé’s mother shows up at her house.

Without saying hello to Tara, her future mother-in-law Bonnie blurts out in a tone that says this is not up for discussion, “I just stopped by to drop off my wedding guest list. I added a few more people to the list. These people mean so much to me, I just couldn’t leave them off.”

Tara was caught off guard and initially didn’t respond, but when she looked at the list and saw 30 more couples added, she couldn’t stop herself, “Bonnie I understand these people are important to you, but I thought we made it perfectly clear that we have a limited number of people who can attend. We don’t have room for more.”

Glaring at Tara Bonnie’s jaw clenched as she spoke very deliberately, “I know what you said, but these people have to be invited!  It’s bad enough that the wedding is going to be in that really small chapel, and that I’m not good enough to be included in any of the wedding preparations, but to not invite people who really matter to me is not acceptable. If I can’t invite them, well then…I guess I won’t come either. Obviously you also don’t have room for me!” And with that, Bonnie stormed out of the house, leaving Tara standing gaping and speechless.

Tara is about ready to throw her hands up and surrender. Bonnie is relentless with her demands. And these demands are not just about the wedding. These demands are about anything that involves Tara’s fiancé. Ever since Tara and Don became engaged his mother seems to go out of her way to come between them. Bonnie sees nothing wrong with texting her son at all hours, and then calling him when he doesn’t respond, panicked that something has happened to him. She is oblivious to how her words or actions may impact Tara and is often terse with her when she asks Bonnie a question or tries to engage her in conversation. Bonnie will also cry and claim she is just trying to be a part of their lives when Don and Tara attempt to set boundaries with her, claiming that he’s become so distant since he and Tara have been together. And the list goes on and on.

It’s funny when you are around everyone else you feel confident, strong, and capable, and yet, as soon as your future mother-in-law gets within earshot of you all your confidence and strength seem to go out the window. When you have a mother-in-law like Bonnie it is easy to feel overwhelmed.

This type of mother-in-law is one I call Off-the-Wall Wanda. Everything is about her—what she wants, how she feels or how someone has hurt, ignored or upset her in some way. She says things without thinking (or caring) how her words might affect you. She will pull out all the stops to get what she wants, whether that is through manipulation, guilt trips, or passive aggressive behavior. For her, it is all about her.

But what if your future mother-in-law is not as overwhelming as Bonnie, but you still find yourself feeling that she is a bit “overly involved?” Here is Monica’s situation with her fiancé’s mother:

Exasperated Monica starts to cry, “I can’t take much more of your mother!”

Her fiancé Greg wasn’t sure what the problem was with his mom, but he couldn’t stand it when Monica was this upset. “What’s the problem? What did she do?”

Trying to calm down, but escalating with each word, Monica spews out, “She just seems to take over. I’m trying to finish the last minute details for the wedding, get the apartment ready to move into, and every time I turn around — there she is. ‘Let me help you clean’ or ‘Here, let me get this for you or that for you’ or she’ll decide we don’t need to cook and she brings over carryout. It’s just too much!”

Greg could hear Monica’s frustration, but he really didn’t understand why she was so bothered by his mom’s behavior. “I don’t think she means anything by it. She’s just trying to help us out. You know how she is—once a mother always a mother.”

“I don’t need another mother. I already have one. And besides, I want the two of us to do these things. This is ourwedding and our apartment and the beginning of our lives together. Why can’t she ask us before she just jumps into ‘helping’ us.”

Without saying anything Greg puts his arm around Monica and holds her. Monica starts to cry, “It would be nice to be asked that’s all.”

Monica’s mother-in-law’s need to be needed and her desire to help her son and future daughter-in-law can feel overpowering. And although her intent may not be the same as Tara’s future mother-in-law Bonnie, her actions can still create a difficult situation that eventually grows into a toxic one.

Monica’s future mother-in-law is one I call Mothering Margaret. She struggles to let go of her role as mom. She often says she has let go of her son, yet her behavior shows she still has some letting go to do. Her helpful intentions are often good intentions, but she is unaware that her helpfulness may come across as controlling, intrusive or overbearing to her daughter-in-law.

Both of these situations can be a nightmare for everyone involved.  I’m sure at this point you are wondering if it would be better to avoid her all together or move as far away from her as possible. Trust me, as appealing as this may be, it really isn’t the answer. Avoiding her will only make your relationship with her worse. More importantly, though, it can and will hurt your marriage. Here are some tips to help you create a better, more comfortable relationship with your soon-to-be mother-in-law:

  1. Let her feel a part of things – There are so many things to do when it comes to planning and executing a wedding. Let your future mother-in-law be a part of it. Let her feel that she in included, not excluded. As much as this is about you and your wedding, it is also her son’s wedding. She may not have another opportunity to be involved in such an important life event. Depending on the type of mother-in-law she is, you can give her small tasks or more important ones. You can share with her what you are doing and when you are doing things so, again, she feels she is a part of what is going on.
  2. Be sensitive to her transition from a primary figure to a secondary figure – As a mother she is used to having some influence over her child. Letting go of that and yet believing she is still relevant, albeit in a different way, will go a long way in helping all of you adjust to this new family dynamic.
  3. Find some positive things about her and build from there – Work toward developing a relationship with her that is independent of your fiancé. Get to know what she likes, dislikes, hobbies, and so on. Find something you may have in common with her. If, however, you have a mother-in-law who is like an Off-the Wall Wanda finding common ground may be difficult or next to impossible. Instead, focus on one thing you like about her or something she does well. Let this be the basis of your relationship.
  4. Establish some boundaries – Setting boundaries helps your in-law know and understand the “rules” of this new relationship. However depending on which type of mother-in-law you have, the boundary setting will be different.

For example, with an Off-the-Wall Wanda you will need to not only set boundaries, but you will also need to have consequences when she does not abide by those boundaries. Since she is not someone you can reason with or believe that once you’ve explained why you want her to do something she will comply, it is also critical that you do not get into a discussion as to why you are setting these boundaries. Remember she doesn’t really care about that; she is interested in getting what she wants. Once she has you engaged in explaining and rationalizing, she is likely to wear you down.

A Mothering-Margaret also needs to have boundaries set for her so that she knows what is expected of her. However, she does not need to have consequences when you set those boundaries. She really wants to have a relationship with you and will often willingly do whatever you ask. She truly struggles with what her new role is supposed to be and by setting some boundaries you are helping her understand where she fits. Remember she wants to fit in somewhere; she just needs your help to figure out where.

Your new life can easily include your extended family, particularly your mother-in-law. With these few tips you will be starting off on the right foot toward building a warm and comfortable relationship.

Deanna Brann, Ph.D. has over 30 years of experience in the mental health field as a clinical psychotherapist specializing in communication skills, family and interpersonal relationships, and conflict resolution. After running her own private practice for more than 20 years, she spent time later in her career providing business consultation to other private practice professionals in the health care and legal fields. As both a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, her own personal experiences led her to research the subject. Her first book, Reluctantly Related, began the discussion of examining and bettering the MIL/DIL relationship and is followed by her newest book, Reluctantly Related Revisited. Brann holds a Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology, a Master of Science degree in Clinical Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Psychobiological Anthropology. 

Connect with Dr. Brann at www.drdeannabrann.com or http://www.inlawsos.com/

http://facebook.com/drdeannabrann

twitter – @deannabrann

Reluctantly Related Revisited: Breaking Free of the Mother-in-Law/Daughter-in-Law Conflict available on Amazon. 

 

 

The Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners Share Their Tips

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Window cleaning in protective rubber gloves washing windowsThe Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners are back for a new series and they are sharing their top tips for keeping your home spick and span.

From rubbing fabric conditioner on radiators to using a cheese knife to get rid of limescale and emptying the water out of the toilet bowl before dousing it in vinegar, the cleaners leave no rug or duvet unturned.

The cleaners are led by Hayley, a 30-year-old mum of three, who was diagnosed with OCD in 2007. She can spend up to 19 hours a day in her battle against bacteria.

Hayley’s top tips:

  • Rub neat fabric conditioner on radiators and when they warm up the whole house smells amazing.
  • Use Milton baby sanitizer. It gets rid of germs but is much safer, especially if you’ve got kids. Follow instructions on the bottle.
  • Vacuum the ceiling to get rid of dust and cobwebs.

Rob is a 32-year-old College Lecturer who lives in Burnley. He lives in a quaint cottage which he keeps to “showhome standard” through a strict cleaning regime.

Rob’s top tips:

  • Use thick bleach and a toothbrush to keep bathroom grout clean and bright. It’s fab for getting the hard to reach places. Bicarb and lemon juice is a good alternative for people who aren’t a fan of bleach. (Make sure you wear rubber gloves to do this)
  • Grind up some lavender in a pestle and mortar and mix with bicarb. Sprinkle over carpets and rugs bought from UK tool hire, leave for 20 minutes and then vacuum off. It keeps them smelling fresh. (Clean the pestle and mortar thoroughly after use).
  • Use a steam cleaner on a mattress to kill any bugs.
  • A small bowl of coffee beans helps to reduce any odours in food cupboards.
  • The best way to tackle a limescale problem in the toilet is to remove all the water in the bowl and soak cotton wool in cheap white vinegar. You then pad out the toilet as if it was papier mache. This should be left overnight. The vinegar completely disintegrates any limescale without the need for scrubbing and also gets rid of any smells. Environmentally this is the best way forward and can be topped up with a cleaner in between. I know it sounds like a big job but the results are well worthwhile

Kris is a 34-year-old medical scientist who lives in Wakefield. He cleans for 22 hours a week and uses his scientific knowledge to make his own cleaning products.

Kris’s top tips:

  • Always unscrew shower heads and bleach them once in the while by leaving in a bucket of diluted bleach. Rinse thoroughly before reattaching. Make sure the room is well ventilated while you do this and that you wear rubber gloves). The biofilm of microorganisms develops in this area and not many people know that.
  • Always leave your dishes to air dry as tea towels are perfect ground for microorganisms to multiply and by reusing them we are actually spreading some potentially harmful bugs
  • To clean the toilet use plenty of bleach. It’s also a good idea to soak the toilet brush in bleach for a while after cleaning the toilet. (Wear rubber gloves when using bleach)

Julie is a 53-year-old plumber who lives in Great Yarmouth. She is not a fan of chemical products and prefers to use natural alternatives.

Julie’s top tips:

  • Use baby oil to get a shine on stainless steel
  • Use vinegar for clean and streak free windows, on taps and in the toilet (to remove limescale.)
  • Use hot and soapy water to wash down skirting boards
  • To clean the toilet use lemon and vinegar. The acidity of the lemon burns away any grime and helps it smell fresh. The vinegar combats limescale better than any bleach will.
  • Fill a sandwich bag with vinegar and tie it underneath your tap using an elastic band so that the tap is sitting in the vinegar. This will remove the limescale.

Louise is a 36-year-old military wife who cleans for up to 30 hours a week and has developed an armoury of specialised equipment to tackle any enemy dirt.

Louise’s top tips:

  • Use a piping nozzle cleaning brush. Usually a cleaning tool for cake decorators, Louise uses it everywhere to give a really good scrub in any nooks and crannies. It’s great for drains and hinges.
  • Use a cheese knife to get rid of limescale by chiselling away at it
  • Everyday scissors work wonders in the garden as they are much more precise than gardening shears.

Tom, 33, is a car enthusiast. His cleaning obsession extends to his cars as well as his home and is known as the obsessive compulsive car cleaner when he goes to car shows.

Tom’s top tips:

  • Use old (but clean) tea towels to buff up the bathroom after cleaning. They give everything a good shine.
  • Car polish on the outside windows keeps them cleaner for longer as the water just rolls off.
  • Put perfume on a cotton wool ball in the vacuum to spread a nice smell.
  • It’s best to take the water out of the toilet – it’s the only way you can get a proper clean around the whole toilet.

Sandra, 52, is a café owner who lives in Port Talbot. Sandra has a strict inside clothes/outside clothes regime to help prevent dirt and germs getting in from outside.

Sandra’s top tips:

  • Bathbombs make excellent air fresheners. Stick them in cupboards/wardrobes/airing cupboards and everything will smell great.
  • Bicarb is the answer for stains. Rub it in dry to a new stain, leave for a moment and then scrub it out.

Carly, 32, is a data manager from Hertfordshire. Carly was diagnosed with OCD when she was 11 years old and spends up to seven hours a day keeping her flat immaculate.

Carly’s top tips:

  • Mix washing up liquid with all purpose spray to kill germs and make everything smell nice.
  • Splash a bit of lemon on fridge shelves when you polish them and then it will smell great every time you open the fridge.
  • It’s important to bleach the floors to kill the bacteria that comes in on people’s feet. (Wear rubber gloves when using bleach).

Please note: With any of the suggested tips, when handling any household products, it is always advisable to keep out of reach of children and animals and always check the label for correct handling of the product. Damage can be caused by using unconventional products and tools not usually associated with cleaning – therefore it is advisable to test on a small area first.

Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners returned Tuesday March 15th at 8pm on Channel 4.

 

 

Digital Marketing Tips

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digital marketing, marketing, tips, adviceDigital marketing, it’s a new ball game. As advertising, and, let’s face it, pretty much everything else, moves online, marketers are going to have to come up with a new set of skills. Do not worry however, Frost magazine is here with tips galore to help you use digital marketing to improve performance and your ROI.

Here are our digital marketing tips:

Find out all of the different rules of the various search engines. Google, Yahoo! and Bing all have different criteria and formats. Find out what they are and tweak your campaign for all of them and it will make a difference.

Make sure the URL in your ad is optimised. Make sure it is relevant to the product and service you are promoting.

Include a strong call to action. It helps to tell consumers what you want them to do. People will respond better and know what to do next. Including the word “now” in your ad is also a good idea. Including “free” will also give good results. “Call now for a free consultation” or “Call now to learn more” are both good call to actions.

Write your ad in title case. This means you capitalise the first letter of Every Word Over Three Characters. Do not use all capitals letters because it IS THE INTERNET VERSION OF YELLING AND JUST MAKES YOU LOOK ANGRY.

It sounds basic, but make sure you use the correct spelling and grammar.

Don’t use trademarks you do not own. It is not legal and opens you up to a whole host of problems.

Make sure you use the right, targeted keywords in your headline and copy.

Keep it simple. Do not use any abbreviations that are not widely known or long, complicated words. Never use a big word when a small one will do. Keep it punchy and concise. People have short attention spans and busy lives. Make your ad easy to understand.

Do you have any digital marketing tips?

 

 

Interview with Fitness Expert and Trainer Adrian Collins by Kris Martinez

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Interview with Fitness Expert and Trainer Adrian Collins by Kris MartinezAdrian Collins is one of the best trainers in the fitness industry. His exercise plan, ‘The Social Butterfly Programme’ has been featured in the Mail Online and The Sunday Times Style Magazine. The programme, which is 6-8 weeks is completely personalised to suit individual goals and promises to fit around the schedules of busy professionals.

Being a busy person myself, I was eager to learn more about  the programme and how it works.

When I arrived at Adrian’s gym near Old Street station, I was expecting  to be thrown into a hardcore army style workout, but it was the exact opposite of that.  Instead, Adrian had me do a few simple exercises, which he used to assess my posture. Knowing nothing about me, Adrian was able to deduce that I used to dance. He was also able to see areas where I was tight.

After assessing my posture,  Adrian took me through a few exercises that would not only help me reach my goal of toning up, but also help with my posture issues.

Adrian took the time to get to know me and find out what my goals were. His style of training is brilliant. He uses a mix of pilates and strength training, which keeps things fun and interesting. He also gave me exercises to do on my own time that help with my posture issues. If you are in the London area, I definitely recommend checking him out. For those of you who live elsewhere, Adrian also offers online training. Prices start at £380.

collinsfitness

After our work out, I had the opportunity to ask Adrian some health and fitness questions.

1. What is your theory behind the Social Butterfly Program?

I created the Social Butterfly Program as being a city based trainer I know how hectic people’s lifestyles are. It’s the perfect regime for city dwelling, party loving people with busy social schedules. It’s completely personalised to your goals.  Wether it’s focusing on s desired body type, re alignment or shaping up for a special event, it’s tailor made to make you look fantastic and stay motivated.

2. What do you say to people, who say they don’t have the time to workout?

Time management is needed here.  Usually from my experience being able to fit in a workout in your day structure without making it too much of an inconvenience is key. Try a morning workout HIIT before work or on your lunch break having your meals around this in preparation.. This is why I promote a 15/20 min HIIT to my clients to achieve on their off days from training with me.

3. What tips do you have for people who don’t have access to a gym?

It’s not necessary to have to go and use a gym to create a good workout routine. Many of my clients don’t have gym memberships I use a private hired studio or train in parks or at homes.  There are some great outdoor spaces for working out, try finding a hill or a flight of stairs is one of my recommendations, as you can really get a burn on different intervals using these. And there is a lot you can do with your own body weight for exercises. It is affordable to purchase some basic workout equipment these days. I like using resistance bands with clients which helps with more pull exercises etc..

4. What is the best way to tone up?

Consistency – sticking to a routine and keeping your food clean… This combined with a good resistance based program can work wonders on toning your structure.

But this all relates back to goal setting if you put your mind in the right place and follow a consistent routine with your eating habits sleep and shocking up the exercise program this can create a snow ball effect to your metabolism

5. What is your favourite type of workout and why?

It depends on my mood and if I’m aiming for a specific goal. From boxing pad work to heavy lifting and squating to Pilates.  I rate the Pilates reformer highly, if I’m feeling a bit tight from weights I like the challenge this machine brings when doing specific exercises. Once you get past the basics there are some full on moves which can really challenge your body.

Interview with Fitness Expert and Trainer Adrian Collins by Kris Martinez2

6. What are good pre and post workout snacks?

I try and avoid the idea of snacking (the body works on digestion of foods with insulin response, snacking can screw this up and forces you to hit insulin spikes etc), But you do need to fuel your workouts and get the right ingredients in within 45mins, post workout to optimise muscle recovery.

Key foods that help promote a fuel efficient workout are apples, almonds and post work out protein and carb are needed for muscle recovery. Look to keep this clean as poss if you want to optimise muscle tone, I find white fish or a breast of chicken with sweet potatoes or basmati rice with good greens for fibre to help get this ingredient through your digestive system in optimal time and ease.

7. What exercises do you recommend to get rid of love handles?

Assessing your diet, getting the correct sleep pattern and with an optimal exercise program in place will all help to rid this area if that is your goal.  Targeting muscle groups in isolation can be great for specific toning and look but, if you are unfamiliar with targeted exercises I wouldn’t recommend isolation as there are implications to the rest of your kinetic chain if your technique isn’t spot on. So, for this I would recommend compound exercises and a good Pilates balance / alignment and core routine to help support your structure before upping exercises for isolation..

8. What is your favourite exercise and why?

Again this always changes dependant upon where I am with my own training routine at the time. I do like compound exercise such as deadlifting as this hits my whole body. But, I also enjoy sports as exercise such as swimming, surfing, snowboarding…

9. If you’re out having a drink, what is a good choice to go for?

Other than water! If you tend to have the “occasional” alcoholic beverage try sticking to clear drinks, champaign, vodka tonic… And also try slipping water in between to stay hydrated as this will really have a difference in how you feel the next day. Clear drinks give your digestive system an easier time in dealing with the toxins and the extra H20 helps the system flow these toxins quicker.

10. If your goal is to shed some weight and tone up, how many times a week do you recommend working out? And how long should your workouts be?

Quality rather than quantity, I’ve always said.  Ask yourself next time you hit the gym is this challenging for me? How much time am I spending on moving or am I sat here on my phone breaking my workouts not concentrating on my exercise/movements. Yes there is a key amount of days and time you want to spend in optimising your weight toning goals, that is why I have most clients I see on the Social Butterfly Program take on the intense level with three to four sessions a week.  I also, encourage them to take on the 15 minute HIITs on the days we don’t train usually over the weekends for optimal metabolism boosting effects.

For more workout reviews, interviews, and delicious recipes be sure to follow my blog, at Fit About Town.

 

 

Frost Editor Catherine Balavage In Best Of You Magazine Talking About Blogging

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Frost founder and editor Catherine Balavage has been interviewed by Best of You magazine about blogging and her new book, The Ultimate Guide To Becoming a Successful Blogger. You can read the interview here or buy the print issue here. It is a great interview with lots of tips on blogging and becoming a successful blogger. Check it out.

The Ultimate Guide To Becoming a Successful Blogger , blogging, blogs, how to make money blogging, book, Catherine Balavage bestofyoufeb

National Clear Your Clutter Day Launches in March 2016

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Jasmine Birtles to launch the UK's first National Clear Your ClutterThousands more will be booking extra holidays this summer with the riches they acquire thanks to the first national Clear Your Clutter Day on March 19.

Hoarders will be encouraged to dig out their stash of unused items and to sell them at car boot sales, on classified and free local selling sites, and even at auction houses. They will also be urged to bin useless junk and to donate knick-knacks and clothes to charity shops and the homeless. Collectors will even be shown how to upcycle other curios to make free presents for family and friends.

It is hoped that the annual scheme, called ‘Clear Your Clutter Day’, will reduce the UK’s bulging mountain of unwanted stuff and give consumers a huge financial boost so they can afford an extra fun holiday this summer.

Organiser Jasmine Birtles, the consumer finance expert, said it will also help the one-in-five UK households in “bric-a-brac bother”.

She said: “Britain has long been a nation of hoarders, with 20 per cent of households admitting to having enough clutter to fill a whole room. Most people would like to de-clutter but either don’t have the time or are overwhelmed by the task at hand.“Clear Your Clutter Day is the long-awaited catalyst to  help people live stress and clutter-free lives. It is a time when hoarders can rid themselves of useless items once and for all.”

Jasmine, the founder of Moneymagpie.com and a regular guest on BBC Breakfast, Sky News and Channel 5 News, added: “The initiative benefits every one – the hoarder, bargain hunters, and UK charities.” which takes place on Saturday, March 19, a selection of how-to articles will be added to Moneymagpie.com.

A free ebook will also be available to anyone taking part in the Clear Your Clutter Challenge. On the day itself Birtles, dubbed the ‘Queen of Cash’, will be joined by a team of experts who will host live webinars on Google+ and Periscope.

To celebrate the inaugural launch of Clear Your Clutter Day,

Jasmine’s Top Five De-Cluttering Tips:

1. Make a bid for freedom. Look on de-cluttering as gaining space and freedom rather than having to get rid of things. If you see it as gaining something you’re much more likely to throw out things you know you don’t love or need.

2. Do it space by space. Don’t try and do your whole home in one go. Do it drawer by drawer and cupboard by cupboard. Start with the easiest room in the house (probably the bathroom) and once you’ve cleared that room, give yourself a quick break and then start on the next easiest room. Once you’ve done two whole rooms you will already have more of a sense of satisfaction and control over your life which should spur you on to do more cluttered parts of the house.

3. Do it with a friend. Get a friend or family member round to help you. It will make it more fun and help you sort more of your home than you would on your own. If you’re a natural hoarder, bring in someone who loves throwing things out, so that you’re not tempted to just keep everything.

4. Use the four box rule. Get four boxes which are marked ‘throw away’, ‘charity shop’, ‘sell’ and ‘recycle’. Everything you decide not to keep should go into one of those boxes. The ‘throw away’ one is easy (although even some broken electronic items could be given away through

 

 

An interview with Gillian Holmes – editor by Margaret Graham

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Meet Gillian Holmes – literary editor By Margaret Graham1

Gillian Holmes – aka The Editor – has been working in publishing for nearly twenty years. She started out at Quarto, working on craft books and worked with many publishers, and finally

Arrow Books where she edited many bestselling authors, such as Katie Flynn, Dorothy Koomson, Amy Silver (aka Paula Hawkins), Cathy Woodman, Margaret Graham, Lisa Lynch, and many others.
Gillian now has her own editorial agency, The Editor, and over the following two weeks, she will be giving advice on the first three chapters, and the synopsis. This might well prove useful for any of you who are thinking of entering the Words for the Wounded Independent Author Book Award. Last year’s winner is now represented by Felicity Trew of the Caroline Sheldon Literary Agency. Felicity is this year’s judge. (more details www.wordsforthewounded.co.uk)

Frost asked Gillian more about herself.

What are your passions?

 

My main passion is reading. My parents moved around the world a lot and because I went to boarding school, I didn’t have many friends at home. So books stopped me feeling lonely. Well, that and my musical box (no music as all tapes warped due to the tropical climate) which I would play while I pretended to be a ballerina. Quite sad considering I have never had a ballet lesson in my life.

 

I also love to swim. An early morning swim will usually set the day up perfectly. I find solutions to all sorts of problems in the water – including problems with the book I’m working on at the time. Oh, and I am a massive QPR fan; this affliction has taught me forbearance and patience.

An interview with Gillian Holmes – editor by Margaret GrahamQPR2

What do you read?

 

I read widely and according to my mood. I usually have several books on the go. I read women’s fiction when I want to be engrossed in someone else’s life. For those days when I’m tired, I read romance – contemporary or historical. It’s comforting and always cheers me up. I also really enjoy real-life tales of derring-do like Agent Zig Zag. Also, Samuel Pepys’s diary is a big comfort read for me; he always makes me laugh. I like crime for when I’m bored, I particularly like books with a long-running characters, so Jo Nesbo and Lee Child are great favourites. Recently I’ve discovered a new character to follow in Tony Parsons’ Max Wolfe: tortured single father, boxer and policeman. What’s not to love? And finally, I adore historical novels. I used to raid my mother’s collection of Georgette Heyers and Jean Plaidys, but my absolute tip top favourite was Katherine by Anya Seton. Last year, my aunt researched our family history and, thrillingly, she discovered Katherine is our grandmother (great great etc). I was in actual heaven! Personally, I think this is the most interesting fact about me. If my friends had ever heard of her, I’m sure they’d agree.

 

What do you love about what you do?
I have never managed to write a book, so I admire and respect authors enormously. Books have been my constant companion throughout my life, so to read one in the rough, and help an author shape it to be the very best it can be, is enormously satisfying. Editing is very subjective, so as an editor I must never lose sight of the fact that this is not my book, so I need to set my ego aside. Just because I’d do it differently, doesn’t mean I should advise the author to do it my way. An editor has to be a different person for every book they edit and work within the parameters of the author’s style and vision. I like that challenge, and if an author seems genuinely happy with my suggestions and work, I’m thrilled. I love knowing that I have helped create something without actually having to do all the work. I’m a bit lazy, you see.

 

The first three chapters or so are important in drawing in the reader. 

What would be your first piece of advice?
Firstly, your first line needs to grab the reader’s attention and set the tone of the book. Don’t save your best line for half way through the first chapter, or even half way through the book. Get it out straight away so the reader wants to keep going. Then the challenge is to follow through on that promise. Try not to fill the first chapters with backstory and description. Always remember you’ve got another 70,000 words plus to fit that in. Just keep it moving. Hook us in and don’t let us go.

 

I find a synopsis difficult. Will you be helping Frost readers with this? If so, in a nutshell, what should a synopsis do?
Yes, absolutely, because having worked as an acquiring editor, an agent’s reader and a reader for competitions, I know how important a good synopsis is. Firstly, remember why you’ve been asked for it and who you’re writing it for. Usually it’s for a competition or a submission to an agent/publisher. They want the synopsis because, if they like the first three chapters, they want to see how you’ve developed the rest of the book. It will give them a clear overview of the concept and structure, and often determine whether they will want to see the rest. They don’t want irrelevant detail and descriptions, and they don’t need dialogue. And most importantly, they DO NOT want you to leave a cliffhanger. Finally, keep it short – 1500 words or fewer.

pic 3 books

Will you ever write a novel?
I’m not sure. I have a butterfly mind and I tend to get bored quite quickly. Writing a whole book would entail me concentrating on one thing for far too long. Having said that, I did write half a book once – it was a romance inspired by my crush on Daniel Craig (I know, I know, I’m a sad cliché). The heroine (who wasn’t at all based on me, not at all) rescued him from some dastardly kidnappers. I got so involved with my characters (well one in particular) that I expected him to email me to let me know what happened next. Sadly, he never did, which I know he regrets.

 

pic 5 daniel craig

 

Or a short story?
Short story writing is a very particular skill and not at all easy to do. I might try it one day, though. The great thing about short stories is they can be just as satisfying as a good novel, but they don’t take as long to read.

 

Your favourite book as a child?
I had two. Ballet Shoes by Noel Streatfield – I wanted to be Posy so badly, that when I had my daughter I (briefly!) considered it as a name. And A Little Princess. I went to boarding school when I was very young, so I related. Which is a little dramatic of me, as I was treated perfectly well by the school and, disappointingly, I never did discover that I owned some diamond mines.

 

What question would you like to be asked?
How does your husband Daniel feel about the fact that your career as a prima ballerina keeps you away from home so much?

To contact Gillian. gilliansholmes@hotmail.com
To find out more about The Independent Author Book Award: www.wordsforthewounded.co.uk
Words for the Wounded are also holding a LitFest on April 16. www.wordsforthewounded.co.uk

 

 

5 Fab Tips for the Bridal Sale Season

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wedding planning, wedding, weddings,5 Fab Tips for the Bridal Sale Season. WeddingDressSampleSale.com, serves up 5 fab tips for making your bridal sample sale season a resounding success.

 

Research– Go to WeddingDressSampleSale.com, tick the filter boxes refining your dress preferences and browse the matching results to find the designer gown of your dreams. Click on each dress to discover more, including a detailed description and your nearest local stockist. You can conveniently email or call them directly from the website.

 

With more than 40 listed bridal boutiques and designers showcasing their sample dresses on WeddingDressSampleSale.com, you can even book your appointment with genuine hands on boutiques all in one place, saving yourself a lot of time and effort time endlessly trawling the web for those special bridal bargains.

 

Be flexible– If the dress you really, really want is not in your size, do not despair! First find out if could it be adjusted and re-fitted for you by a skilled seamstress. What if it turns out that your dream dress neither satisfies you nor compliments your figure? Don’t give up! Try different styles and settle for the one you feel most beautiful and comfortable in. Never feel pressured in to buying a dress just to get it out of the way. It’s your big day after all.

 

Dress appropriately– Wear appropriate underwear to help you easily slip in and out of your dresses when and where you need to. You will want to see how it will all look on your big day, so make sure you bring a strapless bra, heels (unless you are going for some fab flats) and if need be, tights. Don’t overdo the make up or jewellery to the point that it can catch and mark your dress.

 

Check it out thoroughly – Sample dresses are usually sold ‘’as seen’, usually meaning that no returns or refunds. Check the dress for missing beads, stains and tears. Factor in the extra costs such as dry cleaning, alterations and repairs on top of the price.

 

Bring a trusted friend with you.  Having an extra pair of eyes and some good old honest feedback will come in handy when dress hunting. It will also help you drop the not quite not sure dresses quickly and make you feel more confident that you have made the right choice.

You can buy The Wedding Survival Guide: How To Plan Your Big Day Without Losing Your Sanity by our editor, Catherine, for only 99p. It has had great reviews and is full of great advice. It is all you need to plan your big day.