What I Learned About Resilience After The Worst Year of My Life

TW: baby loss.

We all have fears in life and if we are lucky enough we don’t experience them. Although I have experienced anxiety in my life I thought I was one of those lucky people. It was November 2019 and I lived my life in a cosy bubble. Bad things had happened in my life, and I had lost people I loved, but I felt happy and lucky.

Two months earlier my husband and I had decided to try for a third baby. I was thirty-five but I got pregnant immediately. I was over the moon and slightly smug. Geriatric pregnancy my arse. Later, I was exercising and I felt something weird happen in my body. Like a pop. I immediately stopped and put my hand to where the weird pain had happened. Then I brushed it away.  There was a weird uncomfortable pain in my entire body. It felt like a balloon was filling up. I couldn’t sit down properly. Then when I went to the bathroom there was blood. The blood was very dark and it freaked me out. I went to A&E. They didn’t even scan me and sent me home. Despite the fact I could barely walk and was in a lot of pain. I have a high pain threshold and I felt like they didn’t see that I was suffering enough.

The next day I went to the early pregnancy unit and they thought the pregnancy was an ecoptic pregnancy. I’m not going into detail about all of it in this piece because it is an entire article in it’s own. I started feeling the pain on Monday and it was Friday afternoon when I finally got my ’emergency’ surgery and one of the first things the surgeon said to me when I come to was that they caught it ‘just in time.’ My fallopian tube had ruptured and I was bleeding internally. I had been walking around bleeding internally for days while being told to ‘go home.’

There are snapshots of this time that haunt me: the registrar stroking her very pregnant belly while asking what I wanted to do with the remains of my baby, the fear when they sent me home that I would die in my sleep. Waking up and not being pregnant anymore. Notably the fact that they kept sending me home and eventually, days later, I refused to go home and made them scan me again. On the day of my surgery I almost passed out numerous times and the nurse kept bringing my back with oxygen, refusing to let me faint on her watch.

Mostly I remember the grief. There is no pain like losing a baby. I always thought people who killed themselves before that were selfish, now I know they are just in so much pain that they want to leave their bodies. I was completely and utterly broken. The only thing that brought me through were my other children. I figured if I could just put my feet onto the floor every morning and then get out of bed, I could survive. I only had to put one foot in front of the other.

In the blur of everything I took care of my children and tried to make sure they couldn’t see my pain. I didn’t want them to suffer, and I refused to let them see their mother depressed or spending days in bed. I knew that I had to structure my days. I had to get out of bed and smile at my children. Play with them, read them books. I took up Spanish and started doing yoga. It helped that we were moving house and I had to pack up and deal with all of that.

Just as the surgery scars started to heal a little I got ill. really ill. I had this continuous cough that wouldn’t go away. I spent boxing day with my mother-in-law and my husband’s aunt, uncle and their children. I had to find an emergency doctor’s appointment and fainted at the pharmacy getting antibiotics. I somehow managed to walk home although I have no idea how.

A few days later I was going to take my children to bed when I felt a sharp pain in my chest. It took my breathe away and then I couldn’t breathe. I was on the floor crying, barely able to breathe, begging my husband to help me. He called an ambulance and long story short I had double pneumonia, just as rumours of a SARS like illness started in China. I was unable to eat anything or lie down flat. I spent the next six months recovering as the world went into lockdown.

It was now July and my world started to come together again just as I noticed my period was late. I took a test and I was pregnant again. The happiness I felt was like nothing else.  But then weeks later I started bleeding. I made my way to the hospital, desperate to hold onto this baby, only to lose another one.  A few of my amazing friends told me they were pregnant and I didn’t want to tell them about my miscarriage because I didn’t want to scare them, or take away their joy. I would see pregnant women on the street and feel a bitterness that made me not recognise myself. I was full of hate and pain. I found women who were pregnant with their third child, or who had one, especially triggering. The pain of a miscarriage is hard to describe. It wasn’t as tough as the ectopic pregnancy, but the emotional pain of waiting for your baby to pass through you is sharp and brutal. The loss is acute.

I got up, homeschooled my oldest until 2pm and then focused on my toddler for a few hours. Then I forced myself to write three thousand words a day. I started another novel which I finished in six weeks.Then one day I walked out into my garden and the world seemed so beautiful. I sat down to take it in and I saw dew on the blades of grass. I thought about how cruel it was that my baby never got to experience a moment of this world, and yet I knew the world was still beautiful and that life went on. Even if the pain never really goes away.

I started to hate who I was becoming so I stopped. I decided that I didn’t want anyone else to feel this pain that I was feeling. I wanted to put positivity and love out into the world. To spread nothing but kindness. In this I finally found myself again. There is nothing uglier than bitterness or hate and my refusal to let it consume me was a turning point. I donated to charity and did everything I could to spread community and love. I kept writing and I started submitting my novel to agents and publishers. I went after every dream I had and I worked hard.

It has been two years now since my grief threatened to swallow me whole and I look back at that time and it still hurts, but I’m proud of myself. My Spanish is still mediocre and my yoga is not great, but I got a book deal and my novel Ember published in March 2022 to great acclaim. Ember has a character in it who had a miscarriage in the past and the lead character is also an obstetrician. I almost abandoned the book after my ectopic as I found editing it so painful, I put all of my pain into it. It was like therapy. I persevered and I’m proud I did. More importantly, in June 2021 I had my gorgeous and beautiful rainbow baby who I am grateful for every day. A little boy who is sunshine personified.

I didn’t let my pain break me or change who I was. The worse things got the harder I reached for the best. The negativity made me search for the positive. Faith and love helped me reach the other side and I know that life is always beautiful and precious. I promised myself I would always live my life to the full and never take it for granted. I won’t break it.

COSRX’s 5-Star Rated BHA Blackhead Power Liquid is Taking Over the Internet With This Surprising Hack

Both blackheads and in-grown hairs are beauty bugbears. When it comes to underground beauty hacks, Reddit is often the place to go, and with summer fast approaching this hack is re-emerging as the go-to solution for ingrown hair.

No-one likes ingrown hairs, especially on sensitive areas such as the bikini line, and women have taken to the Skincare Addiction subreddit to hail their miracle cure –The COSRX BHA Blackhead Power Liquid.

Posting on the subreddit, one user claimed: “I started using is as an after-shave with surprising success! No irritation, ingrown hairs have lessened a fair bit.” 

Another wrote: “I’ve used BHA successfully on ingrowns. You probably just don’t want it too close to any super sensitive parts.”

How does it work?

 

BHA’s are effective and powerful chemical exfoliants which gently slough away dead skin which clogs pores. They can penetrate skin and unclog pores which may be why Reddit users are hailing it’s ingrown-fighting abilities.

 

Julia Marinkovich, COSRX UK Representative explains; “BHAs are oil-soluble and can therefore penetrate deep into pores helping to unclog them and remove dead skin, which means they will likely be successful at soothing and clearing the inflamed, irritating clear little bumps left from shaving. However, there is no medical or scientific evidence that it can remove or loosen ingrown hairs.”

 

More Skin Benefits

 

 

The serum contains 4% natural Betaine Salicylate, an exfoliant which not only gets rid of blackheads and sebum inside of the pores, but also prevents sebum turning into blackheads via oxidation, and helps skin rebuild its moisture barrier. The light serum also contains White Willow Bark, which can help to decrease redness and inflammation, as well as Niacinamide and Sodium Hyaluronate, working together to fight acne, brighten, smooth and hydrate dull skin.

 

COSRX has a huge global cult following and sells out as soon as it is replenished. It has sold out 6 times already in 2022, with consumer demand outweighing supply. 

My Writing Process Tetyana Denford

I remember when my mother called me, because the weather had been mild and the air smelled of the coming Spring. It was 2015, and we were living in the UK, so the 5 hour time difference meant that it was already late in New York when I heard her voice on the phone. Her tone was tender, and not a little bit numb and distant, and I would soon understand why: a family secret.

I had grown up in a relatively standard Ukrainian family: I was raised within the language, the traditions, and as I was an only child, my parents would make sure Ukrainian was the world that I knew and flourished within. We lived with my maternal grandmother, Yulia, and whilst her stories of wartime Ukraine were harrowing, nothing was ever out of the ordinary.

And then, we all learned something about her past that seemed more like a movie script than anything we’d ever imagined in real life. For me, my status as an only child, and a writer, meant that it was up to me to write the story down, for the family, for myself, and for my children to know our family story in detail. But could I do it justice? The impostor syndrome was very real, as most writers can attest to on their best days.

The first thing that I learned about writing a book is that the first few drafts are always the story, not the ‘book’; chronological, sometimes painful, but always the purest form. Once I started researching Ukraine, World War II, passenger lists on post-war ships heading to Australia, and New York in the 1960s… the book started coming to life. I’ll admit it felt like it took a solid two years to finish the first few drafts because at the time, my three children were all under eight years old, and my husband was travelling for work constantly, so I had very little time to write apart from very early in the morning or very late at night. It wasn’t easy, but I knew in my bones that this story was an important one to memorialize, because if I didn’t, it would disappear with the passage of time, like so many other family stories.

My grandmother was still alive and still had a semblance of memories stitching her life together in her mind whilst I was writing this, so old photographs and conversations were priceless for me to be able to place myself in her mindset when she was living through all of these painful periods in her life, and what fascinates me now, looking back, is that the current newsreel detailing the war in Ukraine runs in stark parallel to what she and generations of her family had lived through and fought against in the early 1900s and all through the second world war. And we are reminded now that history has a long pattern of repeating itself, because no one seems to remember how hard people fought for their sovereignty.

And now, now I feel proud of knowing that as a younger generation Ukrainian, I have written a story, a whole book, of what people are discovering about Ukraine and its people: their pride, their loyalty to the country that made them, their generosity in standing up for any people who are marginalized and forgotten, their fierce love for their family and friends, and their stubborn refusal to ever back down in their music, their art, their willingness to hope.

I am not an anomaly: there are so many Ukrainian writers and authors and translators who are now taking up the fight and using their voices as a war effort, when they are living all across the world worrying about their friends and their families in danger. We are the future, our stories begin with emotional phone calls, our writings are stitched together with anger and hope, and our platforms are flooded with calls to action from not only Ukrainians but anyone who chooses to stand on the right side of humanity and amplify the stories that make us who we are.

Our words are the weapons we choose to affect the hearts and minds of the entire world, not just to support Ukraine but to remember that all of our family stories are the threads that bind us and remind us to wish for a better future. 

Author Bio

Tetyana Denford grew up in a small town in New York, and is a Ukrainian-American author, translator, and freelance writer. She grew up with her Ukrainian heritage at the forefront of her childhood, and it led to her being fascinated with how storytellers in various cultures passed down their lives to future generations; life stories are where we learn about ourselves, each other, and are the things that matter most, in a world where things move so quickly.

Her debut novel, Motherland was self-published in March 2020 to critical success and longlisted for The Readers Digest Self Published Book Awards. It was based on an incredible family secret that was revealed by her maternal grandmother, Julia, only recently, and has been described by people as ‘haunting’, ‘powerful and devastating’, and ‘a fragile and hopeful story of an immigrant family’. In March 2022, Tetyana signed a 2-book deal with Bookcouture, an imprint of Hachette, and Motherland will be re-released in July 2022 with a new title and cover.

She also works with Frontline News as a translator, has been featured in The New York Times, The Telegraph, The Flock Magazine and Mother Tongue Magazine, and speaks several languages. She also hosts a YouTube show called ‘The Craft and Business of Books’ that helps writers understand both the creative side and the business side of the book world. Her series of ‘conversation books’, collections of poetry and prose about Grief, Motherhood, and Love, were published in 2021.

Tetyana currently lives in New York with her husband and three children.

About the Book

Ukraine, 1940. She cups her daughter’s face with her trembling hands, imprinting it on her mind. ‘I love you. Be brave, ’she whispers through her tears, her heart breaking into a thousand pieces. Sending her child away is the only way to keep her safe. But will she ever see her again?

When war rips their country apart, Julia is sent away by her tearful parents in the dead of night, clutching her mother’s necklace and longing for one last embrace. But soon she is captured by Nazi soldiers and forced into a German labour camp, where behind a tall fence topped with cruel barbed wire, she has never felt more alone.

Just as she begins to give up on all hope, Julia meets Henry, a young man from her village who shares her heart full of dreams. And when she feels a fluttering in her belly that grows and grows, she longs to escape the camp and begin a new life with their child. But then Julia is forced to make a terrible choice. A choice no mother should have to make.

New York2011. With her heart shattered and her life changed forever by the shadows of war, as the years go by Julia thinks she will never be whole again. For decades she has been carrying a terrible secret with her, her every moment tainted by tragedy and loss since those dark days of the war.

But when she receives a phone call in the middle of the night, far away from the home and family she lost in the war, will Julia finally be reunited with the missing piece of her heart? Or is it too late for her wounds to heal?

Based on the incredible true story of the author’s grandparents, The Child of Ukraine is a breathtakingly powerful tale of love, loss and family secrets, perfect for fans of The Four WindsThe Last Green Valley, and The Nightingale.

 
This novel was previously published under the name Motherland.

SKINTELLIGENT: What you really need to know to get great skin

SKINTELLIGENT

What you really need to know to get great skin

By Dr Natalia Spierings

 

Published by Vermilion.

Trade Paperback priced £16.99

The first entirely evidence-based skincare guide written by a real expert that explains how skin actually works, how to navigate the confusing world of Big Skincare and what you really need to do to achieve healthy, glowing skin – throughout your life.

 

This is the first book about skincare based on fact, not fiction

 There is no such thing as ‘essential’ skincare; almost all skincare should be viewed as a ‘luxury good’ and therefore, in fact, absolutely not essential!

  • Scared of using Vaseline? Don’t be – it’s the best moisturiser on the market, also the cheapest, it doesn’t ‘clog pores’ or cause pimples and it is totally safe to use. Plus, it is in every single moisturiser on the market anyway.
  • You don’t need to buy a separate product to use around your eyes, just use your regular moisturiser around your eyes; ‘eye creams’ are a scam
  • Facials are a waste of time and money
  • When it comes to skincare, less is always more
  • Expensive skincare is never better than cheaper skincare

 

Consultant Dermatologist Dr Natalia Spierings of Channel 5’s Skin A&E has announced the launch of her new book, Skintelligent: what you really need to know to get great skin, published by Vermilion. Dr Natalia Spierings is here to shake things up in the skincare world and isn’t afraid to tell the truth and call out the BS about all things related to skincare. Drawing on a decade of work as a practicing consultant dermatologist, helping thousands of people achieve great skin, she will empower you with the knowledge to navigate the confusing world of skincare so you never get fooled into buying hundreds of pounds of disappointing cosmetic skincare products again. If you have a problem with your skin – whether it is pimples, pigmentation, overly dry skin, large pores or whatever – the problem you have needs to be viewed as a skin abnormality or even a disease and therefore cannot be corrected with a three-step skincare regime you buy at a department store.

 

Dr Natalia Spierings said: “I wrote this book with the aim of answering all the hundreds of questions I get every day from my patients and through social media about skincare; there is too much misinformation being thrown at us about skincare from people who just don’t know what they are talking about, merely to sell products. It’s time to empower the skincare consumer with facts and the correct information so we all stopping wasting our money (and our hope) on products that don’t deliver on their (often outlandish) claims.”

Using an unbiased, evidence-based approach and cutting through the pseudo-science, she explains:

–        how skin actually works

–        which skincare products are proven to be effective for all of major facial skin complaints

–        what trendy skincare ingredients do or don’t do what they promise and why

–        what you can do to manage everything from acne to rosacea to melasma as well as wrinkles and sun-damage

 

Bringing together years of experience treating a huge range of skin problems, Skintelligent is the only book you will ever need to read to get great skin.

 

“Buying this book will be a great investment; following Natalia’s advice will save you money on your skincare whilst helping you to look your best.”

Dr Andrew Birnie, Consultant Dermatologist & Founder of Altruist Sunscreen

 

“Dr Natalia Spierings is a terrific consultant dermatologist with a very clear – and utterly science-based — approach to skincare which many people will find refreshing.”

Alice Hart-Davis, founder of thetweakmentsguide.com

 

About the Author

 

Dr Natalia Spierings is a Consultant Dermatologist with a Master’s Degree in Aesthetic Medicine. A unique combination of technical skill, depth of knowledge, aesthetic sensibility and communication skills has positioned her globally as a leading dermatologist. She currently splits her clinical time between both the NHS and private sector in London, and at Kings College Hospital in Dubai. @drnataliaspierings

 

 

The Bay by Allie Reynolds Book Review

The Bay by Allie Reynolds is the second novel from the author of the widely acclaimed chiller thriller, Shiver. I LOVED her first novel and was so excited to receive The Bay. Thankfully I wasn’t disappointed. Allie Reynolds has a way of writing a pacy, sporty thriller like no one else. This is a tense and absorbing story about what happens when Type A sporty athletes get thrown together. The Bay is paradise to them, the ultimate surfing spot and they will do anything to protect it.

You are never sure who to trust or what is going to happen. The Bay will have you by the throat until the very last page. I am not sure how Allie Reynolds does it, but I’m glad she does. Her high-octant sporty thrillers are as brilliant as they are unique. Truly stunning. Get a copy now.

 
The Bay, Allie Reynolds, Book review

The Bay is an addictive summer thriller where the waves are to die for at the wild and beautiful Sorrow Bay, a remote surfing spot paradise that a mysterious group of people will do anything to keep a secret.

 

Allie has a trademark ability to pair isolated and dangerous natural landscapes with high-stakes, extreme sports to rewrite the popular locked-room mystery with an elegant, high-octane twist. She has received wide praise from the world of crime writing, including Peter James (‘sensational’), Harriet Tyce (‘a knife-sharp locked room mystery’) and Sarah Pearse (‘nail-bitingly tense’).

 

Ideal for slipping in holiday beach bags, The Bay is filled with sun, sea, suspense and a sinister cast of characters driven by obsession and perfection.

 

THE WILD YEAR – the family who lived in a tent for a year

The Wild Year immediately caught my attention for it’s originality. This memoir by Jen Benson, who lived with her family for a year in a tent, is a brave book about triumph over hardship. This book is awash with nature and atmosphere. It is inspirational and will fill you with both joy and hope. It will also make you angry about the financial hardships so many are under. Jen writes about struggle with flair and complete honesty. Her talent as a writer is vast, and her love for her family and the world around her is so beautiful. I cannot recommend this book enough. I think everyone should read it for it’s insights into poverty, financial hardship, and the beautiful outdoors. Awash with love, nature and bravery.
The Wild Year by Jen Benson, book, book review,

This is an utterly delightful, eye-opening read, bathed in the natural world. Reminiscent of The Salt Path by Raynor Winn and Homesick by Catriona Davies. Jen and her husband Sim have written a whole host of walking and running guides, and this is her first memoir. You can find out more about their previous books on their website — https://jenandsimbenson.co.uk/books/

The Wild Year is all about Jen and her young family’s decision to live in a tent for a year after suffering severe financial hardship and needing a way to live that retains their freedom but doesn’t cost a lot. Think cooking over fire in the dead of winter in stormy weather with a 3 year old and a 6 month old! Out now with Aurum (Quarto Group).

The Wild Year tells the uplifting true story of a family who left their old life behind to spend a year living wild in a tent around Britain.

With a baby and a toddler, mounting debt, work demands and stress trampling over their desire to spend time together as a family in nature, Jen and Sim Benson move out of their rented accommodation, sell up their possessions and decide to live in a tent for a year as nomads around rural Britain. This is the story of that year – the highs and the lows – the doubts, epiphanies and the weather.

Detailing one family’s search for a life in the wild, away from the screens and stresses of modern life, this captivating memoir is a must read for nature lovers or anyone who has dreamed of a life outdoors. It’s nature writ large with the joys and challenges of each season experienced under canvas, a story of ultimate freedom in the beautiful landscapes of Britain. This is a book that gently steals up on you and captures your heart.

Jen Benson has a passion for wild places and sustainable adventures. A lifelong runner, she is a writer, photographer and part-time PhD researcher exploring the philosophy of running. Jen and her husband Sim live in Wiltshire with their two young children. They have co-written several books including Wild Running, Short Walks in Beautiful Places, Amazing Family Adventures and 100 Great Walks with Kids. Jen writes regularly for the national press. Twitter/Instagram @jenandsim

Did You Miss Me? by Sophia Money-Coutts Book Review

I have read all of  Sophia Money-Coutts’s books and I am a huge fan of her witty, entertaining novels. She writes wonderful, sparkling characters and I always enjoy the story. As usual, Did You Miss Me?, is clever and funny. Sophia has taken a great premise and executed it with flair. Another wonderful novel. Heartily recommended.

Did You Miss Me? is Sophia’s 4th novel and explores whether you really can rekindle your first love, and is of course written with Sophia’s trademark humour, wit and gloriously steamy romance scenes. Nell, the main character, is effortlessly likeable and features alongside her barmy mother (who falls for an eccentric Italian barista), the divine Arthur Drummond and Wilma the wolfhound.

You never forget the one that got away, do you?

Nell Mason is extremely happy with her life – or at least, that’s what she tells herself. She’s lucky to have a high-powered job as a lawyer, even if it does come with an eccentric set of billionaire divorce clients. And she’s absolutely fine living with her sweet, if slightly dull, boyfriend Gus in their London flat where they have very sensible sex once (OK, sometimes twice) a week. She’s definitely not stuck in a rut.

But when Nell bumps into childhood friend and first love Arthur Drummond who broke her heart fifteen years ago, she’s more than a little shaken. The seemingly perfect life she’s worked so hard for starts to feel, well, less perfect. Maybe Nell’s been kidding herself all these years. Can she ever get over her first love?

Sophia Money-Coutts is a journalist and author who spent five years studying the British aristocracy while working as Features Director at Tatler. Prior to that she worked as a writer and an editor for the Evening Standard and the Daily Mail in London, and The National in Abu Dhabi. She writes a column for The Sunday Telegraph called Modern Manners and often appears on radio and television channels talking about important topics such as Prince Harry’s wedding and the etiquette of the threesome.

The stylish, must-have essential for parents – Stokke Limas Carriers

Getting around as a parent can be hard, if not impossible. In fact, even doing things around your house can be hard with a baby. This is why I could not live without a baby sling. I have tried many over the years so I thought I would review the Stokke Limas Carriers.

Stokke® Limas™ Carrier,

Stokke® Limas™ Carrier, Espresso Brown.

Featuring three hero products, Stokke® Limas™ Carrier, Stokke® Limas™ Carrier Plus and Stokke® Limas™ Carrier Flex, the range delivers stylish, must-have essentials that allow parents and caregivers to go completely hands-free when on the go or at home with their baby. Helping to facilitate closeness and bonding as well as providing optimal comfort and support from birth and beyond, the carriers enable both parent and child to grow confident together, every step of the way.

Not only does the new collection adjust to accommodate infants, but it supports the child’s physical and physiological development along the way. The carrier expands as your baby grows, to support the growth of the hips, spinal column and muscles; as well as providing them with a whole new sensory experience, helping to stimulate the brain.

I found the Stokke Limas Carrier to be comfortable and stylish. It looks great and is easy-to-use. Highly recommended.