Category Archives: Relationships & Love

Single Doctors Get Hearts Racing This Valentine’s Day

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  • Teachers and doctors among the top professions looking for love
  • Men begin their quest for love much sooner than women, as 32% more men in their 20s are looking for an online date than women

guardiansoulmates

Another year, another Valentine’s Day, and for singletons it can be a frustrating time. However, we have cause to be more positive this year as research from Guardian Soulmates today reveals that there are far more eligible single men and women than we may have expected. Ever wondered where all the doctors are? All the teachers? Mr/Mrs Right you expected to have married by now? Well they’re on your doorstep, and more importantly, they’re single!

From its dating database of over 200,000 singletons, Guardian Soulmates has found that there are more teachers and academics looking for love than any other profession, with media professionals and doctors coming in second and third respectively. And it’s not just doctors and teachers; those who own their own businesses are also up there with the UK’s most eligible singles, making up 5% of the sites daters.

Sectors with the most single men and women:

1. Education

2. Media

3. Health

4. Self-employed

5. Finance

6. Marketing / PR

7. Third sector

8. IT / telecoms

9. Government

 

Encouragingly our teachers and doctors don’t all fall into one group, and there are opportunities to meet your match regardless of age. Guardian Soulmates’ research shows that men and women in their 30s are the most prevalent daters; of those on the dating website 31% of men and 34% of women are in their 30s. There’s good news for those in their 20s too, particularly any young ladies who are apprehensive about getting online for a date before they turn 30, as 32% more men in their 20s are looking for an online date than women at the same age. Not only are men getting online early, they’re also continuing their quest for love in later life. The research also shows a trend that there are equal numbers of men and women in their 40s and 50s looking for love.

Age does, however, appear to define the type of date you may wish to go on this Valentine’s Day. The research reveals that there are trends in dating patterns across age groups, and even across regions. Those in their twenties are least likely to cook a romantic meal for two, whilst 79% of 30-something daters are cooking enthusiasts and would prefer a comfy night in. For those who believe the way to the heart is through the stomach, London and the North West are fertile dating grounds, as 67% of daters in London and 40% in the North West are cooking fans. Surprisingly, if you want to impress a lady you’re better off asking her out for a drink than a dinner date as 64% of single women enjoy a drink, versus just over half of single men (53%).

 

Dating Party At The Top Of The Shard

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If you are single and looking to meet someone, we have found a rather cool dating party. It’s the ultimate ice breaker night 800ft above London at The View from The Shard 48 hours before Valentine’s Day – will you find Mr or Miss Right just in time? Even if you don’t, you will have an incredible night with lively London singles.

shard

Reaching new heights of dating, DoingSomething.co.uk in partnership with The View from The Shard have announced the arrival of the World’s Highest Urban Ice Bar and the first ever dating party on Levels 69 and 72 of Western Europe’s tallest building – an exclusive one-night only event on Wednesday 12 February with a bespoke built ice bar and an igloo for singletons to snuggle up in.

 

Watch the sun set over panoramic views of the London skyline from the cosy 5ft tall, two tonne igloo created by internationally renowned ice artist Percy Salazar – decked out for comfort with blankets. Ice artist to the stars, Percy has previously worked on ice sculptures for the Queen, Stella McCartney and Lawrence Dallaglio.

 viewfromtheshard

The spectacular 360 degree views take in London’s most famous landmarks for up to 40 miles, including the Olympic Stadium and Canary Wharf to the east, Hampstead Heath and Alexandra Palace to the north, Buckingham Palace, the London Eye and Wembley Stadium to the west, and Crystal Palace to the south.

 

To keep the party alight, there will be live sets from London’s hottest DJs Nick Decosemo (Editor of Mixmag), Luke Brancaccio (Founder of hip new West London house label City Seven), Le SoSo (dance stage curator for Cornish boutique festival Leopallooza) who will all be playing cool dance grooves. And Goldbars and Lexicon (For the Love of Mic: the rap club night with a sense of fun) who will be spinning ice cold classics for people to warm up to including: Ice Ice Baby (Vanilla Ice), Cold as Ice (MOP) and It Was A Good Day (Ice Cube).

 

Naturally, waiters wearing penguin suits are on hand to provide perfectly chilled cinnamon flavoured Smirnoff Gold cocktails served on arrival at the World’s Highest Urban Ice Bar. Taking singletons to new heights, a choice of themed Smirnoff Gold drinks with real edible gold flakes will also be available at the first ever ice-breaking dating party on Level 72, including the ‘Iced Gold’ and ‘Cloud 72’ cocktails.

 

As if this wasn’t enough the first 200 guests will receive complimentary sorbetto and gelato courtesy of Snowflake Luxury Gelato. There are two artisan gelatos for guests to choose from including Hazelnut and the Valentine’s Special, Blind Date and Honey Gelato. Alternatively try a sumptuous sorbetto, flavours include Raspberry, Mango and Passionfruit and the award-winning Extra Dark Chocolate.

 

Daters will witness a new Guinness World Record on the night as the one-night only ice bar will become the World’s Highest Urban Ice Bar.

 

BOOKING INFORMATION

 

Wednesday 12 February – 8:00-11:00pm

 

Tickets priced at £35 for singles. Or just £30 each if you buy a pair for you and your Wingman/Wingwoman.

 

Includes access to The View from The Shard’s viewing platforms on Levels 69 and 72 (worth £30) throughout the night, an after party, and one month’s subscription to DoingSomething.co.uk (worth £29).

 

Love in the Club? Dancefloor Dos and Don’ts

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You’re all dressed up in your hottest clubwear ready to take the dancefloor by storm. However, before you get too carried away there are a few dos and don’ts you need to be aware of. There are a huge number of mistakes you can make as you prepare to hit it up and show the club what you’re made of. If you want to avoid potential embarrassment, you’ll need to follow the tips below.

Don’t take up too much space

One thing you’ll notice about club dancefloors is the fact they can become a little crowded. This leaves you with very little space to show off your moves. Now may not be the best time to break out your famous ‘robot’ dance. Ensure you respect the space limitations around you.

Do expect a little bump or two

After one or two drinks, you’re likely to be a little unsteady on your heels. You need to be aware that the other people around you are also in the same position. If somebody bumps into you, try to be polite rather than hostile. Of course, if they’re constantly bumping into you without even a hint of ‘I’m sorry’, there’s justified reason to be annoyed. Likewise, if you’re the one doing the bumping, make sure you apologise and then make a huge effort to control your unsteady pins.

clubbing

Don’t be self-righteous

You’re going to come across people who test your personal beliefs and lifestyle choices on the dancefloor. According to The Guardian you need to learn to suck it up. Sure the club may say no smoking and there may be one or two people ignoring that particular rule, but you’re not working for the nightclub. Nobody likes a self-righteous person trying to ruin their fun on the dancefloor. Learn to ignore it and just focus on enjoying yourself.

Don’t update your social networking page

The dancefloor is never a place for social networking. If you’re having such an amazing time, why are you on your phone? Put your phone away and do what the dancefloor is designed to be used for – dancing!

Don’t force yourself onto somebody who clearly isn’t interested

Yes you may look hot in your sexy little outfit, but that doesn’t mean everybody will want to dance with you. If someone is clearly not interested, don’t waste your time trying to change their mind.

Don’t attempt a dirty dancing lift

We’ve all seen the film, well most of us anyway. The famous lift scene in dirty dancing is inspiring and incredibly romantic. However, under no circumstances should it ever be attempted in a club. Unless you’ve had specific training with a partner, the dancefloor isn’t the place to be attempting this daring lift unless you fancy a broken ankle.

Do stick to what you know

Are you thinking of experimenting with a few new moves? Don’t! Stick to a routine you know and love and remember to also stick within the set space boundaries. Attempting something completely different could leave you completely shamefaced.

 

Choosing The Perfect Anniversary Present

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anniversary giftsIf you have a wedding anniversary coming up and you’re at a loss as to what you could possibly get the special someone in your life to mark the occasion, help is here! There are loads of great ideas for wedding anniversary gifts online, but often they can seem too impersonal and generic. If you’re a bit of a romantic and prefer a personal gift, a box of chocolates or a bunch of flowers
can often feel just not good enough for your other half.

A great way to celebrate an anniversary is to look at wedding anniversary gifts by year. Each year of marriage has a theme associated with it, and buying a present to reflect that theme is the ideal way to narrow your options down a bit whilst still ensuring that the present you choose has some special significance for you and your partner.

For couples who have been married for one year, for instance, the theme is paper. This might at first seem like an odd thing to base a present on, but in fact there is plenty of scope for choice and imagination within each theme. So for paper, you could choose to put together an album of pictures from your honeymoon, or frame a particularly good picture of the two of you. If photos don’t float your boat then an alternative paper-themed gift could be some lovely stationery or, thinking outside the box a little bit, how about a year’s subscription to a magazine based on something your other half is really interested in?

Maybe you’ve been together a little bit longer, say fifteen years. In which case, your anniversary theme is crystal. This theme also has lots of scope for imagination and choice. For instance, you could choose crystal champagne glasses, a crystal faced watch or you could really go for it with a weekend skiing break for two!

Managing MIL: You And Your Mother-in-Law – For Better, Or For Worse? Book Review

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mother-in-law- advice-bookThis book starts off with a joke: “My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.” Les Dawson, this joke highlights that, traditionally, it is men that have problems with their mother-in-law. However there has been a rise in women clashing with theirs, and a number of my friends like to have a moan about their husbands mother. Marriage is hard, but even harder when there are three people in it.

Some of the real-life stories in this book are horrendous and shocking, and a few are nice. In fact the real-life stories are what I like most about the book. Learning about other peoples experience always make you feel less alone and helps to get through a rough spot. The best way to learn is from other people.

The book has rules and even suggests you start your own DIL (daughter-in-law) Club to unlock the secrets of a good mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. Where you get a group of like-minded women together and all vent anger, or share experiences: good and bad.

This is a good book. A lot of the advice is common sense: be polite, decorum goes a long way, see things her way. The book is also intelligent enough to see things from the mother-in-laws view; sometimes she cannot do anything right. All in all I thought the book was great. There is also top advice from leading relationship experts.

The top tips for managing your mother-in-law are good and this is a helpful book. It takes the view of both the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law to make it fair. Full of good advice and highly recommended.

Managing MIL: You and your Mother-in-Law – for better, or for worse? will be released by Peridot Press. You can buy it in e-book form or as a proper book.

Does your mother-in-law drive you to distraction? Are you a desperate daughter-in-law? Who is to blame? It’s hard to know when you’re stuck on the inside.

Journalist Katy Rink looks at the best and worst of this frequently tricky relationship and provides smart advice for keeping your cool, your sanity and your family intact.

How do you survive a weekend with the in-laws? Should you ever go on holiday together? How do you manage a new baby and MIL? What are the dangers of accepting that friend request on Facebook? These are just some of the tricky topics tackled.

The author calls upon the experiences of fellow daughters-in-law in her home town – at secretive get-togethers that came to be known as DIL Club – to illustrate the highs and lows of dealing with his mother.

There are plenty of anecdotes to amuse and entertain, including the DILs who received engine oil, chin hair removal cream and paper knickers as Christmas presents from their MILs; the MIL who provided itemised receipts for ice creams and charged for petrol; and the MIL who greeted news of a pregnancy with “I can’t believe you haven’t had her sterilised yet”.

You can also try and recognise your MIL from a cast of hilarious caricatures including The Apologist, The Snob, The Manipulator and The Social Climber.

But amid the horror stories there are heart-warming tales of when (and how) it all goes right, and when peace breaks out.

 

Hints And Tips On Choosing The Perfect Wedding Wines

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hattie wineThere’s so much to think about when organising a wedding, but planning (and most importantly tasting) your wedding wines should be fun. So we’ve worked with Hattie’s Wines to bring you the top 10 tips for anyone thinking about wine for a wedding day.

1. Before you do anything else, work out what your venue will allow. Can you bring your own wines? Will they charge ‘corkage’ (a fee per bottle to let you bring your own)? Or do you have to choose from their wine list?

2. If you have to select from their list, make sure you ask to taste the wines that you’re thinking of choosing, ideally with the food you’re having, to check that you like them. If you’re struggling with the venue’s wine list, you can upload it to Hattie’s Wines for some free help, if you’d like.

3. If you can bring your own wines (yay!), the next step is to be clear on your budget, bearing in mind any corkage you might have to pay on top. On balance, while it’s great to splash out on some fabulous wines for such a special occasion, it’s also really important to make sure you don’t run out halfway through the meal, so if your budget is limited then consider some of the great value for money wines we’ve suggested below.

4. Next up, think about the food you’re having but also think about the people coming (younger crowd, trendy crowd, boozy crowd?!), the weather (if you can predict it!) and the time of day. Red wines can get quite heavy after a while, especially on a summer afternoon.

5. Most of us know the broad rule of thumb is to pair white wine with white meats and fish and red wine with red meat dishes. But like everything else you’re organising, this is your day, so do it your way. You might prefer to have a white wine with the starter and a red with the main, or both on the table at once for people to pour for themselves. In this instance, think about the weight of the wines and the foods – lighter wines with lighter foods and bigger wines with richer foods.

6. When you look for a wine supplier, make sure you’re able to get some good advice on what you’re buying – whoever you buy from should be happy to have a look at what you’re trying to achieve and help by advising you on the best wines for your needs and budget.

7. Don’t forget to consider the delivery options. It will probably be much easier for you if the wines are delivered direct a day or so in advance, then it’s one thing off your to-do list.

8. Get tough with your supplier, especially if you’re buying lots! Look into wine companies that can give you some kind of offer for a bulk purchase, e.g. free delivery or money off when you spend over a certain amount.

9. Don’t forget the bubbles! There are lots of times you may need to serve something sparkly, perhaps while guests are waiting for you to have your photos done and of course during the toasts. Splash out on Champagne if you can but if not don’t worry, there are some fantastic Proseccos and Cavas out there which will suit just as well.

10. And our final tip? Don’t worry about over-ordering – whatever you don’t drink can be taken home for you and your beloved to enjoy whilst perusing your wedding photos.

Some wedding wine suggestions from the Hattie’s wine list:

Aperitif / during photos:

Bach Extrisimo Semi-Seco Cava, £8.99. For those of you who don’t like their sparkling wines really, really dry, this will be music to your ears. It won’t make you suck your cheeks in (think lemon sherbets, or Victoria Beckham). Made in the Cava region, this is all apples, citrus and almonds in liquid form. A great alternative to Pimms.

White wines:

Clique Viognier, £8.99. This is a wine stuffed with gallons of juicy exotic fruits, from pineapple to grapefruit, but is still dry and highly drinkable. This is not the moment for British reserve – it’s time to kick off your shoes and dance like nobody’s watching. This is punchy, unabashed, unembarrassed joy. Oh and the label looks fab on the table!

Or splash out on Coulaudin Bussy Chablis Premier Cru, £14.99. A wonderfully fresh, lemony wine, but with real backbone. It’s ‘Premier Cru’ (more Marc Jacobs than Mark Owen) which means it’s even better quality than the average Chablis. This is the Chanel handbag of wine – a classic that accessorizes anything, and oozes style and sophistication – just like your big day.

Red wines:

Domaine d’Aumieres Merlot, £7.99. This little gem of a wine comes from a family that started making wine in this region over a century ago. So, they really know what they are doing. The beauty of this Merlot is in its simplicity – ripe, juicy and soft with baked plum fruit flavours. A definite crowd-pleaser!

Or splash out on Le Blason du Prince Chateauneuf du Pape, £14.99. It’s time for a celebration. A big classy celebration. Even the scantest French skills will pick out ‘prince’ and ‘chateau’ here, and should tell you that you’re dealing with something pretty regal. The flavours manage to be both restrained and powerful at the same time: a sophisticated glass of dark brambly fruit. The quintessential posh red wine – a princely bottle for the day’s princess!

Toast:

A toast to the happy couple deserves Champagne, and why not go pink with the Louis Massing Champagne Premier Cru, £19.99. Light and delicately done, but with lush redcurrant fruit flavours, and a twinkle in its eye.

The 12 Pitfalls of Christmas And How To Avoid Them

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vivienne_imgWhen a relationship is already struggling , Christmas can intensify that struggle. Instead of being a happy celebratory time, Christmas completely drains the joy. If you are already feeling a little under the strain and under supported, this article is for you.

The 12 pitfalls of Christmas and how to avoid them

 1 Too High An Expectation

We all have the wish for the perfect, romantic moment with the perfect gift when all our Christmas fantasies come true. There is an enormous sense of expectation on the big day and a lot of people aiming for perfection. This quest for perfection and the best Christmas ever can drain us and render both our Christmas and our partner’s efforts a disappointment. We all deserve to be happy and sometimes happiness is best reached when we stop the pressure. High expectations usually only lead to …..

2 Disappointment

The disappointment can be crushing because it feels so symbolic, as though if we are unhappy even at Christmas then we must be fundamentally miserable together. We can feel that “we” as a couple don’t want the same things in life just because “we” don’t want the same things at Christmas.

Perhaps we need to compromise our expectations, agree on how we will spend our time and efforts. “Good enough” can be very happy indeed. Decide to do something lovely for each other, so you both experience your special moment, so that potential disappointments can be curbed this Christmas.

 3 Negative Mindset

If we feel we’ve over-compromised or that we’re taken for granted before we start, then we enter into any conversation with a negative attitude which sets us up to have an argument or to fail in general.

If we look for the negatives and only notice events or things that are less than perfect this can lead to……

4 Over reaction

We all have the ability to massively over react. If we are tense to begin with, then the seemingly small stuff can push us over the edge from calm and composed to tantrum and distress. The number of people that argue over the practicalities of Christmas is probably close to 100%.

One particularly stressful practicality is packing the car. Let’s face it, this is basically an argument in a boot!  Mindset is key when it comes to the arduous errands around Christmas. If you find yourself thinking “what a nightmare all this stuff is” and “no way is it all going to fit into the car” …. Think about this before the day of travel and also turn that around to think “how great that we can give so many presents” and “This is going to be so much fun”.

After all, why spend all this time and energy and money buying the presents if you’re going to complain about packing them and the subsequent journey?

Some people have better spatial awareness than others …. be honest with yourself … how good are you at filling every crevice efficiently?  If the other person insists on doing it, let them get stuck before you wade in with your suggestions.

 5 Who’s rule is it anyway?

Christmas can seem as though it comes with an invisible but very real rule book. This rule book to be based on absolutes about the fundamental questions such as, ‘Who to spend Christmas Day with?’   Often families feel they must spend Christmas together.  Christmas Day seems to be symbolic of family and therefore if you don’t spend it with your family, you feel judged that you aren’t behaving in an accepted way. These emotionally laden rules lead to …..

6 Stress in various relationships

Many couples argue over whose parents’ turn it is to visit, and whose tradition to follow.  It may seem uncharitable and selfish to spend time with people whose company you actually enjoy.
Just because you’ve spent it with one set of people for the past 5 years, doesn’t mean you would be insulting anyone to have a change.  Handling that situation need not be as difficult as you may fear it is.

Family dynamics go into over drive. Various family members can battle over status and following certain traditions can equate to personal victories or be perceived as slights. Siblings can start to regress into squabbles befitting adolescence not middle age!

Everything can feel as though there is a hidden agenda and negative communication; even gift giving can be perceived as point scoring.  Christmas day can be reduced into a competitive battle ground with everyone trying to assert their status, for example, who’s in charge, who carves, whose pudding is better, who wouldn’t have bought the pudding but made it from scratch, whose present is more expensive, better thought out?  Competitiveness creeps in to cause many underlying feelings of guilt and undermining. Christmas is reduced to a series of unpleasant negotiations.

Focusing on how you and your partner really want to spend Christmas in a fashion that will make you truly happy is the key to sidestepping the unpleasantness. Thinking about happiness as the goal of the day and not point proving or following arduous tradition keeps you on the right track.

7  Quest for perfection

Women can often feel that how well they “do” Christmas is symbolic of how much they love and how good a wife and homemaker they are.  Women can end up putting so much pressure on themselves to get it all perfect that they set themselves up to fail, because they become stressed and grumpy therefore less fun to be around. This stress can lead to ….

8  Feeling Overwhelmed

FUN is the point of Christmas for most of us.  So, if the process of preparation drains the joy of the day, then your priorities are misconstrued however well intentioned.

Children and even partners only notice the stress – they don’t know the difference between good enough and perfection. So halve your “to do” list and go without some of the food and events but do what you are doing with a smile and you will enjoy it to and so will they!

9  Feeling Lonely  

Generally, husbands/male partners tend to care and plan somewhat less and the other partner feels “slighted”  or dismissed … that what they want to talk about is irrelevant … and this feeling of being ignored leads to ….

10  A sense of isolation

We can all feel lonely in a crowded room and never more so than at Christmas. This sense of isolation and being on your own with everything can cause stress. You can feel as though you need to take responsibility for Christmas and the emotional wellbeing of everyone and this becomes overwhelming.

Christmas and its scripts can put emotions and relationships into intense mode …. you’re supposed to feel joy and it can work to the contrary by making you feel more lonely, less connected, less valued, more miserable.

Communication is key to avoiding this pitfall. Talk to your partner about what you need to. However, you also need to talk to yourself. Strategize your efforts so that they will pay off and not completely frazzle you. If you don’t get the help you need, do less. Be fair on yourself too so that you don’t feel alone with it all this Christmas.

11  Working too hard

One partner feels taken for granted.  One partner isn’t pulling the same weight in effort as the other.  It feels symbolic that “if my partner doesn’t care as much about Xmas as I do, that means he/she doesn’t love me”. This sense of disproportion within the relationship can lead to….

12  Arguments and Disappointment

Overall, there are high expectations and the whole feeling of pressure to make this the “absolutely perfect family day” … and then add some alcohol to that and emotions quickly rise to the surface causing tension.

So logistic planning is helpful eg who’s going to contribute foodwise/drinkswise/presents …. all of this needs careful discussion beforehand.

Financially, parents tend to spend lots of money on their kids and then that sometimes leaves less for your partner’s present eg combining a Christmas present with a birthday present … it becomes a financial transaction rather than a giving or romantic one.  This is not a positive attitude to present-giving unless fully agreed with the receiver.

It is a very extended time together from eg 10 am – 9pm or even longer when visiting relatives far away which means an overnight stay is included.  So if it’s someone you don’t see regularly because you don’t want to, that too brings huge pressure of interaction to spend 36-48 hours with those people.

If you feel your relationship is coming to an end, then buying presents for the maybe “last Xmas” feels like a death looming.
How to step over these pitfalls

Whatever you decide, make that a positive decision.  Go into the situation with a positive mindset …. set it up to succeed.

Think about it – any time you meet a person who is complaining, down on themselves, or generally miserable, then your heart sinks and you don’t feel so good.

When you are greeted by someone who is smiling, open and interested, you feel their energy and the joy begins.
Prepare as best you can regarding travel logistics, presents without going into huge debt and agreeing who makes the gravy.  Have all the necessary conversations so that everyone’s expectations are met.

If there are still some issues, this is where you have to decide whether you are going to spend time with these people or not.  And if you decide that you are going to be with them, then this is when you decide how you are going to feel and behave.  If you go in with a smile on your face, you will feel happier and your experience will be happier.

We can all survive and even enjoy Christmas 2013!

Mindset is the key to a happy and fun Christmas Day.

Wishing you a happy Christmas Day.

From: Vivienne Goldstein (Relationship Coach) and
Dr Lucy Atcheson (Psychologist)

We hope this article is helpful. If you would like some bespoke therapeutic support for your relationship at one of our workshops supporting women to enhance their relationships please contact us at

Lucy@counsellingpsychologistlondon.com or Viv@viviennegoldstein.com