YOUR RELATIONSHIP AFTER CHILDREN?

· Research lifts the lid (and duvet) on the effect having kids has on British couples

Research released by parenting website, yano.co.uk reveals what goes on with British couples’ lives ‘after children’. The survey asked questions about the changing relationships, rows, sex and attraction between couples and provided insights into a subject that mums and dads normally ‘keep mum’ about.

When it comes to spending time together, one in ten parents make room for a weekly ‘Date Night’ but nearly half (46%) only get to spend one kid-free night a month together, with 3% only able to get alone time once a YEAR.

Perhaps as a result, 63% of parents say their sex life has deteriorated since having children. 41% had sex every other day before kids – this goes down to just 10% having sex every other day after having children. 28% have sex only once a month post-children, 5% once a year and 7% revealed they now NEVER have sex! This is perhaps unsurprising when you hear 37% of parents questioned admitted that they are less attracted to their partner after having children – a feeling that is more common for women (42%).

More than a third of parents questioned say they argue more with their partner since having children, with 6% having separated from their partner before their child was born. The most common rows for all parents revolve around parenting style (61%), financial pressures (53%) and who should be doing the chores (41%).

There are also some clear differences between men and women’s viewpoints. Women feel, more so than men, that their partner needs to take more responsibility helping with their child or children. Women are also more likely to complain to their spouse about chores and sex, whilst men are more likely to argue with their partners about parenting styles.

Patrick Wanis PhD, Celebrity Life Coach and Relationship Therapist says that much of the tension between modern parents stems from one major problem; we are effectively sacrificing the relationship for the sake of the children, doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. Wanis says that, although it sounds counter-intuitive, the best thing parents can do for their children are to put their marriage first. ‘That means regular date nights, still sharing hopes and dreams, still wanting the best for each other, still taking time to enjoy each other’s company as adults and friends. Children thrive in a household of open love and affection between the parents. But when parents neglect each other, the children eventually suffer as the marriage falls apart.’

TV psychologist Jo Hemmings says ‘When you make that transition from lover to mother or father, everything changes. The way society views you to your priorities to the amount of freedom you have. Many new parents report that while they have gained a huge amount in terms of love and fulfilment, a part of them still feels lost, and is wondering where the ‘real’ them is buried underneath the bustle and juggling of parenthood.’

The survey also revealed some regional stats from across the UK. Northern Irish are more keen under the covers after the birth of a child, with over half of them confessing to having sex once a week, compared to just a quarter of couples in London. Scots are also keen to rekindle their love lives after having children, with almost a quarter of couples (22%) admitting they have sex every other day. Geordies top the poll when confessing they feel less attraction to their partners after the birth of a child, with over three-quarters of couples admitting they felt this way. But love is blind in Scotland, with only 25% of Scots feeling less attracted to their partners after a child’s birth.

Ann-Marie McKimm, founder of Yano and mother of two, says, “It was great to get such honest views from our respondents as these issues are not often discussed. Following the sad news about the split of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes this week, it is interesting to note that tension over how to raise a child comes out as the top reason for arguments in relationships and is clearly an issue that affects many couples. Given this result and the differences revealed in men and women’s views, I feel that it is important to open up discussions on these problems”.

Yano encourages fresh thinking on parenting, incorporating enlightening food for thought; informative discussions; regular news stories; a digest of interesting parenting stories from across the globe; Q and A discussion panels and advice and comment from leading experts in their chosen fields.

Visit Yano for further information and a full article on ‘Will Your Relationship Survive Children.’