Author Archives: Stefan Gerrish

Stefan Reviews; Nightmare on Elm Street.

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From the Eighties to the early Noughties the horror genre has been dominated by two names; Jason Vorhees and probably the little more known….Freddy Kruger.
With nine films, a TV series and a smorgasbord of (sometimes parody) guest appearances in TV under his belt, Freddy has certainly made his quadruple bladed glove mark in the world of celluloid.
What started out as a very scary character played horrifically menacingly by Robert Englund, Kruger sadly became one of mischief and comedy rather than a to-scared-to-turn-the-lights-out-after-watching monster that he once was. This however was rumoured to all change when Freddy was taken on by Jackie Earl Haley.
Best known for his sinister portrayal of Rorschach in last years Watchmen, Haley was an eagerly awaited choice for the role by the majority of Kruger fans wanting to see the darker side of an already pretty pitch character.
The before the title opening scene gives a nice quick introduction to the main players in the film and ends in a way that seems to promise as much blood as you would expect from the old franchise and a lot more scares. Unfortunately it doesn’t deliver, there are a couple of gallons of blood and a few actual scary moments that make squeals and screams erupt from a jumping audience (I cant remember the last time a new horror film did that) but they are few and far between so fail to keep viewers on the edge of their seats, although this could not be said for the girl sitting behind me who I think must have lost most of her popcorn!
The mostly unknown in movies cast (mainly American TV an small film roles) are good at keeping out the horror shlock thus once again making this an altogether different route for Nightmare, but only Rooney Mara stands out from the rest (strange considering it also co-starred Clancy Brown). Her portrayal of troubled heroine Nancy Thompson is believable and pulls in the sympathy and could easily be carried over into sequels if they choose to remake the rest of the Nightmare stories (I’m hoping they don’t for fear they would go the same way as the 80’s/90’s lot and end up with a rapping Haley arsing about with a prop guitar). Joy turns to disappointment with Jackie Earle Haley, as promised, he is a lot more menacing and frightening than Englund ever was, but for some odd unexplainable reason during the finale fight he starts spouting rubbish one liner quips. Threatening with the promise of violence and abuse throughout the entire film, resorting to crappy puns very nearly ruins the re-imagining of the character.
A film that promised much and delivered a bit Nightmare on Elm Street has too few scares and fails to build suspense, and if you can ignore the image of Freddy wearing Rorschach’s mask (it seems Haley has adopted that voice to express malevolence and inspire fear) I suggest you wait for the DVD.

Nightmare on Elm Street is still playing at most cinemas and is rated 18.

Next Weeks TV Picks

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Monday 10th
Ah Mediums, in my humble opinion, people who profit from loss and sadness and should be banned. With this mindset I’m sure I shall enjoy Derren Brown Investigates: The Man Who Can Contacts the Dead on Channel 4 at 22:00. The first in a series in which self confessed non-magical magician Brown delves into the world of the supernatural and into the lives of the people who claim they can contact those who dwell within it. Expect annoyed mystics and pissed of psychics….will make me laugh anyway!

Tuesday 11th
As a child of the 80’s (‘83 represent) I have fond memories of our first Microwave Oven and the Soda Stream, these memories will be bought back to life at 21:00 on Channel 4 in Heston’ 80’s Feast. From the Yuppies choice of nouvelle cuisine to the kid’s favourite of the brain freezing Slush Puppy, Heston will once again be serving up an ever so slightly insane meal to his awaiting diners.

Wednesday 12th
Those who know will me would probably tell you that I’m bit of a geek, I am a big fan of Sci-Fi, even when its parodied, which is why Galaxy Quest is my selection for today. 21:45 on Sky Movies Family, Quest follows the mishaps, the degradation and eventual worship of the crew of a now defunct 70’s science fiction show in which a brave team of explorers trek through the stars and whose Captain has many amorous encounters with alien women (I’m sure you can guess who the film are ribbing on!). After meeting a band of actual aliens in need of help, the Captain (played superbly by Tim Allen) decides to take on their monstrous enemy in an attempt to heal old wounds with his now aging 70’s co-stars and give his life some validation. A very funny film for everyone, even if you don’t notice the nods and winks to that other show.

Thursday 13th
I am bit of a city dweller, I’ve spent most of life in London, and when not, I’ve been just a short train ride away. My knowledge of British wildlife is pretty much straggly foxes going through my bins and fat pigeons walking around like little lost commuters. This is why I’m planning on hearing the fantastic Mr Bill Oddie teach me about all things flora and fauna in Bill Oddies Top Ten Aliens at 20:00 on BBC2. However, this is not your usual ‘lets-look-at-badgers-in-the-night-time’ wildlife show; Oddie will be telling us about the plants and animals most of us believe are truly British and lets us know where they actually came from. Education and fun…..they can mix!

Friday 14th
Sam Raimi, creator of the cult classic Evil Dead series returns to his horror roots with Drag Me to Hell playing at 20:00 on Sky Movies Premier (and again an hour later on Sky Movies Premier +1). After the shiny Hollywood made Spider-Man films, we get a taste of Raimi’s first love. Jumpy, gross and scary, Drag Me to Hell is the story of Loan Officer Christine (Alison Lohman) who, after humiliating a gypsy in public, has a foul curse placed upon her. In one week she must change her beliefs, go up against a tormenting demon and lift the curse before, as the title states, she is dragged to hell. If I were the type of guy who would award stars, Drag Me to Hell would get 4…actually, that stars thing wouldn’t be a bad idea, I could make like I was a proper critic!

Saturday 15th
I think I might be told off by some folk if I don’t say ITV1, 13:10, Chelsea are playing football against Portsmouth in the FA Cup Final to see who wins a big shiny jug with ribbons on it or something…..so there’s that. But let’s have a look at what else is on shall we. BBC1 at 18:25 We find Doctor Who battling a man who calls himself the Dream Lord (a possible nod to next seasons Neil Gaimen written episode perhaps, for those in the comic book know) or Guitar Heroes at the BBC on BBC2 at 23:15 a show promising to bring us shredding and riffing and god like posturing galore from the 60’s onwards. But I’m suggesting what follows Guitar Heroes. The 80’s bought us so many fantastic film’s, there are few that define the 80’s and one that does it so much more than all the others. At 12:15 BBC2 brings us the brilliance of The Breakfast Club, its cheesy, it’s over the top, it’s on after everyone’s bedtime, but it is also stupendous. Watch as five teenagers; a brain, an athlete, a basketcase, a princess and a criminal, fill the time during detention by sharing their problems, their fears, their loves and all other aspects of their lives in this John Hughes classic. If you’re a true fan of cinema, you won’t be disappointed. Oh…..and 5 stars!

Sunday 16th
I’ve spoken before about my relatively newly acquired love for westerns, and today at 21:00 I’m reminded of that thanks to Channel Five. 3:10 To Yuma tells the tale of a Rancher named Dan Evans who agrees to escort the outlaw Ben Wade to a train that will send Wade off to the hangman in Yuma for a $200 reward. With Wades gang constantly on their tail, Evans’ job soon becomes less about the reward and more about winning the love of his sons. With outstanding performances by both Christian Bale and Russell Crowe, 3:10 to Yuma is not one to be missed….erm…a handful of stars for this one.

Next Weeks TV Picks

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Monday 3rd
I remember when I was growing up I would never join my friends in games of Cowboys and Indians, even if they let me have the finger guns in the playground or the string and twig bow and arrow in the woods, even if I had the coolest role in the game I never played, I have concluded that this is because of my fathers habit of watching old bad westerns from the 40’s and 50’s so in my head the image of a cowboy was John Wayne and Charles Bronson, hardly the romantic, riding off into the sunset after saving the girl and defeating the Indian horde types my friends told me about. The along came an award winning western that changed my outlook on the genre, it gave cowboys an emotional side I hadn’t seen before, played to us on a last day of term history lesson that film was Unforgiven. For some weird reason I don’t own the DVD yet so I shall be tuning into ITV1 on Monday at 20:15 to watch the movie that changed my opinion of westerns.

Tuesday 4th
There are a few films that make me cry, I’m not ashamed by this, what I am ashamed by is watching The Green Mile in the cinema and weeping while sitting next to a girl a really fancied who was dry-eyed throughout the entire flick. Is it a tale about the second coming of Jesus? Is it a look at racial injustice in 1930’s America? Is it just about a simple healer? With an excellent performance by Michael Clarke Duncan as John Coffey (‘like the drink, only spelled different’) make sure you have some tissues when you watch Sky Movies Showcase at 22:00.

Wednesday 5th
It would be remiss of me to go against the thoughts of fellow Frostian Blake Connelly and recommend anything other that Strike Back, the first two episodes of which are playing back to back on Sky1 at 21:00. Supposedly a UK action/drama to rival those made across the pond, I shall be having a gander to see if it lives up to its hype (which I believe it will), and hey, they didn’t cast Ross Kemp so it can’t be all bad!

Thursday 6th
Now I think I should be sensible and advise you all to tune in to BBC1 at 21:55 to listen to David Dimbleby on ELECTION 2010 talk to learned men and women with letters after their names or ITV1 at the same time to hear Alastair Stewart to talk all things politics in the originally named ELECTION 2010 (this time probably without the politician herding of ‘BROWN’….’CLEGG’…’THANKYOU YOU’VE SAID YOUR POINT’….’CAMERON’). Both programs will be mini-bussing up and down the country hearing from different important people and Mr and Mrs Everyman about different constituencies. I for one will not be watching either of these. I would much rather hear from four funny people talking irreverently about important matters. From 21:00 onward on Channel 4 David Mitchell, Jimmy Carr, Charlie Brooker and Lauren Laverne will be hosting Channel 4’s Alternative Election Night. The quadruplet of comedy will be taking the mick, satirising the serious and generally larking about while also bringing us on the spot election results. This promises to be much more fun than watching stuffy men in over priced studios with eye abusing graphics telling us that its probably gonna be the time of the Tory’s.

Friday 7th
I mustn’t say Glee, I mustn’t say Glee, I mustn’t say Glee, and seeing as last week I suggested The Ricky Gervais Show, this week I shall tell you about what follows Ricky. Channel 4, in their wisdom, have decided to repeat the 6th series of the brilliant Peep Show (the funnier Mitchell and Webb show). A double bill of the first two episodes will be shown at 23:05 but if that’s not your thing, you can always watch Channel 4 at 20:00 for the delightful Glee…….aw shit.

Saturday 8th

After what I was expecting to be jus another doled out rock-doc I was pleasantly surprised by last weeks I’m in a Rock’n’Roll Band about lead singers, with its truly interesting interviews with some of my heroes (I understand my bias towards rock singers being a singer and a fan of rock myself). This week’s episode on BBC2 at 21:45 focuses on the other one in the eternal fight for the spotlight in a band…the lead guitarist. Interviews with Slash, Johnny Marr and Matt Bellamy, amongst others, will be giving an insight into how they develop their almost hypnotic power over the crowd. And will be full of fantastic tunes and awesome solos, so break out the air guitars.

Sunday 9th

On Film4 at 21:00 we finish the week with the thought provoking film Crash. The story of a group of L.A residents who are completely unconnected yet through chance and coincidence make an impact on each other while showing their unwarranted mistrust and bigotry of other cultures and colours. A triple Oscar winning debut by director/co-writer Paul Haggis, I have recommend this film to nearly everyone I know and now I recommend it to you.

Stefan's Top Five's; Zombie Flicks

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Zombie Films (in no particular order)

Zombieland
A new release that after one viewing went straight into my top five, this romp through a zombie infested America is fun for the whole family.
The story centres around four survivors who remain nameless, preferring to take the name of places they have travelled from as their chosen monikers to keep from getting attached to each other (Columbus, Wichita, Little Rock and Tallahassee). Heavily armoured with comedy rather than scares Zombieland delivers a much needed rest bite from all the psychological horror and rubbish gore porn (Eli Roth, I’m looking at you) of late, and Woody Harrelson is one of the most bad-ass zombie killers ever. Even if you don’t dig on zombies I still recommend this film (if only for the brilliant cameo by Bi….actually, I’ll leave it till you see it)!

Dawn of the Dead
Ahhh George A Romero, the Granddaddy of the Undead, the Godfather of Zombiedon and one of the true masters of the genre.
It was very hard deciding which of his films to include, but I came to the conclusion of Dawn of the Dead, is it a zombie film? Is it a siege film? Is it a look into the consumer mindset of America? Is it all three and more? Whichever it is it remains one of the best. With more parodies/homage’s than there are zombies in the film, Dawn is the tale of two SWAT Team members and two News Broadcasters as they try to live out the zombie apocalypse inside a mall. With everything they could possible need under one roof they should be smiling, but there’s no time to smile when you’re constantly on the lookout for the re-animated beasties or fighting for survival against a nomadic band of bikers. One of the first and one of the best, this is a must for anyone looking to survive a zombie attack.

Night of the Living Dead (1990 remake)
The 1968 original of Night was a complete George A Romero affair, in the remake however he just re-wrote the screenplay and left the directing to Tom Savini, and Tom did a brilliant job. Starting off quite light hearted with two siblings squabbling about their dislike for the (now dead) mother, Night takes a swift dive into the realm of horror after they are attacked in a graveyard by two zombies, forcing the sister Barbara to take refuge in an old farmhouse with other survivors, with no knowledge of what is causing the carnage outside they are forced to overcome their distrust and help each other. One of the reasons I put this film in is for one scene that perfectly shows zombies, Barbara walks through a zombie infested field, instead of running she calmly walks, holding a pistol to the heads of each zombie she passes and eventually sobbingly begs an undead woman to leave her alone while pushing her away only for her to stumble back an try to take a bite. Possibly the only one of this list to go into my top 10 best films list (watch this space for that one) Night of the Living Dead is the perfect zombie film.

Brain Dead
I mentioned Gore Porn earlier in this article. I’m not a big fan of movies that contain gore for gores sake but before showing us the wonders of Middle Earth, peter Jackson gave us gore as it should be, with full ladle helpings of tongue in cheek humour. In essence, Brain Dead is a rather sweet tale of a young man trying to impress the girl he’s fallen desperately in love with, unfortunately his attempts to woo her are hampered by his over bearing mother who, after being bitten by a Sumatran Rat-Monkey and zombiefied, he has to keep locked in the basement along with all the other people her bite has transformed. Blood, guts, puss and limbs fly as Jackson uses excellent puppetry and even better dialogue (‘Your mother ate my dog’ ‘…not all of it’). After seeing Brain Dead you’ll never look at your lawn-mower the same way again.

28 Days Later
This was a tough movie to include, you see, there’s mindless people attacking the rest of us, but their not dead and their not eating flesh for sustenance. It’s the most annoying zombie film because it doesn’t have any zombies…just a hell of a lot of ‘Infected’ who have been contaminated with a Rage Virus, of course you can argue that actual cases of zombification haven’t included death and re-animation but that’s an entirely different world from movies so I’m ignoring it.
It’s absolutely safe to say that 28 Days is the scariest film in this list, from the eerie wide angle shots of an absolutely empty London (anyone who grew up here will understand) to the claustrophobic intensity of not being able to escape an ‘infected’ filled house until you can fill yourself with the same rage that has infected most of the country (deep much?), although there are some genuinely heart warming moments of burgeoning friendship and the heart breaking ending of a family unit. 28 Days Later is a film about friendship, loss and above all trust in a world where it’s every man, woman and child for themselves. And in fear of sounding to grown up at the end of this article let me remind you if you’ve seen it and warn you if you haven’t….thumbs + eyes = wince factor 11.

Next Weeks TV Picks: 26th Apr

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Monday 26 April 11:10pm Channel 4
Hello and good evening and welcome you lil’ ruffians, I feel as though a drastic change in my writin’ style is required to tell you about my marvellous decision of viewing on the tellybox on the 26thday of the month of April right, ten minutes passed the eleventh hour of the evening is a show entitled ‘Skinned’ where the cheeky northern monkey Frank Skinner has a lovely chin waggle with the beautifully faced Russell Brand. Things they talk about is Brands SachsGate debacle, his early career, his problems with his arm candy and showin’ him on stage andbehind it. (Note: as this is read, please flail arms about and switch speech patterns and accents between East London market trader and upper class Mayfair snob)

Tuesday 27 April 10:00pm More4
After Monday’s frivolities with Mr Brand, Tuesday’s selections are an altogether more sober and grown up affair. 22:00 on More4, True Stories: Vote Afghanistan. A documentary showing the read about but not often seen Afghan Presidential Elections of 2009, following the Campaign Trails of the challengers to President Karzai, and hearing from the people whose lives were put at risk for wanting a new Leader.

Wednesday 28 April 6:50pm Film4
Dunna dunna dunna dunna dunna dunna dunna dunna BATMAN…That’s right kids, Bat-time 18:50 Bat-channel Film4, see the original televised Batman Adam West (‘Family Guy’s’ Mayor of Quahog for our younger readers) in a feature length episode of the much loved, more parodied 1960’s show, expect more POW’S and KAZAAMS than you can chuck a Battarang at. And for those not feeling nostalgic, people kick a football about on ITV at 19:30.

Thursday 29th April 9.45pm Sky Movies Showcase
Last weeks ‘Picks’ told of Charlie Brookers ‘You Have Been Watching’ (ch4 22:00) and Psychoville (Dave 22:20) andI struggled to findsomething worth watching other than these again this week, but fortunately at 21:45 Sky Movies Showcase is showing Watchmen (18), the story of an outlawed Masked Adventurer group having to get back into their costumes and resume their world saving roles once again. Taken from the award winning comic book, Watchmen not only has the obligatory superhero action but also delves into the psyche of those who would want to dress in tights an fight crime (just watch out for the awful love-making scene to the tune of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’).

Friday 30 April 10:35pm Channel 4
It is very difficult not say Army Of Darkness (TCM 21:00), Sam Raimi’s brilliant sequel to the equally brilliant Evil Dead films, but I know that Bruce Campbell as store clerk Ash running aroundthe 1300’s with a chainsaw for an arm an a sawn-off shotgun killing the undead is not everyone’s cup of tea, so instead I shall recommend tuning into channel 4 at 22:35 for The Ricky Gervais Show, an animated version of his podcasts featuring Stephan Merchant and Karl Pilkington, expect much hilarity to ensue. Straight after on the same channel is Heroes of Comedy detailing Ricky Gervias’ rise to fame. So basically….a night in with Ricky.

Saturday 01 May 6:25pm BBC1
Dave, the whole day, QI.
Who can resist spending a whole day awash with knowledge delivered via the dulcet tones of Mr Stephan Fry, until of course 18:25 when its over to BBC 1 for the second part of last weeks Doctor Who, will he be able to escape an army of The Weeping Angels? My guess is yes, I mean…he’s the Doctor.

Sunday 02 May 10:20pm Five
I think its safe to say that most of us have had it up to the jugular with Vampires, they are taking up too much screen time in their films and TV shows, I feel its time we gave some other monsters a chance, and that’s exactly what FIVE are doing at 22:20. The Highlands of Scotland are the setting for the movie Dog Soldiers, a gory comedic tale of a small squad of British army men on a training mission coming face to face with a pack of werewolves and are forced to fight when the full moon rises.

Coming Soon: Four Lions

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Once in a while a film is set to be released an my lil movie buff heart gets all a flutter only for it to be dashed on the cutting room floor amoungst all the celluloid off cuts. It happened with Lord of the Rings, a movie that promised epic battles, fantastical magics and a quest to end all quests and yes it delivered these but it bought with it boredom and a special extended edition you need a week put aside to watch. I also got all excited about ‘The Scariest Film in 10 years’ Paranormal Activity. Finally, I foolishly thought, a film that I can compare to The Shining (scariest film ever) but it wasn’t to be. That film makes me angry just thinking about it, its just bad.
Then I heard about a small film called Four Lions


The reason it piqued my interest was for the inclusion of one name….Chris Morris. Morris is the brilliant mind that bought us The Day Today and Brass Eye along with other great comedy shows and many appearances in TV comedy. Known as a ‘Media Terrorist’ and always happy to viciously satirise current events, Morris, who has teamed up with writers Jesse Armstrong (Peep Show, The Thick of It), Sam Bain (Peep Show, Smack The Pony) and with additional writing by Simon Blackwell (The Armstrong and Miller Show, The Thick of It) hasn’t eased up at all with his new movie Four Lions, a comical (and occasionally farcical) look at jihadism. Most would shy away from turning such a hot political potato as the threat of ongoing terrorism into a film we can laugh at, but pushing the boundaries is what Morris is good at, and a story about four bumbling, confused but enthusiastic Islamic fundamentalist wannabe terrorists is well within his grasp. The film follows four men, Omar (Riz Ahmed), Waj (Kayvan Novak), Faisal (Adeel Akhtar) and Barry (Nigel Lindsay) through jihad training camps in Pakistan and fooling bulk retailers of bleach by hiding their beards behind their hands as they plan and hope for glory in Northern England with a wit that only these writers can deliver.
A film that promises to dig up as many angry letter writers as it does full on belly laughs, Four Lions is one to look out for and to go see with friends who can see the funny side of anything.

Four Lions is showing in cinemas in the UK from the 7th May.

Next Week's TV Choices

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Seven days of mental cooks, singing and dancing high schoolers and thousands of runners awaits as I take a look at what is worth tuning in for next week.

Monday 19th – One of my favourite shows…of course this is mainly due to the competitions they have every week, The Gadget Show (ch5 20.00) will be keeping us all up to date in the world of tech and presenter Jon Bentley will be seeing what all the fuss is about with the new Apple iPad.

Tuesday 20th – you know that old Homerism ‘a hundred channels and theres nothing on’ never a truer word was spoken about Tuesday’s TV, unless your able to fill your day with music channels (Scuzz, my personal favourite) tune into Channel 4 at 21:00 for Heston’s Titanic Feast, a cookery show that doesn’t try to teach us anything or tell what we should be eating. This week, nutjob Blumenthal will be serving up Antarctic Roll, Camel Burger and a flambéed Iceberg.

Wednesday 21st – Three words…Planes, Trains and Automobiles, if you haven’t seen this I pity you, 20:00 on SkyMovies Comedy this film follows two men trying to get home for Thanksgiving an stars the greatly missed John Candy and Steve Martin when he was still funny.

Thursday 22nd – Now when writing this I planned on giving all you lovely readers one programme per day that you should see, Thursday threw up a conundrum, ‘You Have Been Watching’, channel 4 22:00, presented by the outstandingly cynical Charlie Brooker with a panel including Robert Webb, Jason Manford and Sharon Horgan review the highs and lows of the tellybox whereas over on channel Dave at 22.20 we find episode 6 of the excellent Psychoville….but I suppose theres always Dave ja vu!

Friday 23rd – 20:00…channel 4…GLEE….that’s all you need to know about Friday.

Saturday 24th – To all those who are fans of the Doctor (which I include myself one of) the answer as to whether Matt Smith is as good or better than David Tennant as Doctor Who is still unanswered, although at 18:20 on BBC1 we may find out as the Doctor once again meets the too-scary-for-a-kids-show Weeping Angels, and if your not as much of a geek as me then head over to SkyMovies Showcase at 20:00 for Jack Nicolson’s brilliant performance (and the sinister Louise Fletcher as Nurse Ratched) in One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest.

Sunday 25th – Ahh The London Marathon, an epic event pushing people to the limits of fitness, reaching their goals and achieving their dreams, London will be awash with runners, cameras, spectators and discarded water bottles and thanks to BBC1 from 10:00 onwards we can have the best seats in the house, presented by the delightful Sue Barker it gives another chance to play Marathon bingo, man dressed as Nun (tick), three people running as a boat (tick) a Rhino(…)

By Stefan Gerrish.