Not so Hidden Gems {Ceri's Column}

By Ceri Phillips

Every once in a while I stumble upon something wonderful. Well, to be more accurate, I walk along quite briskly, late for a meeting and then, on stopping for a moment, usually to tie a shoelace or spit out some gum, realize where I am or where I seem to be or around or about to experience and it turns out to be something wonderful. But my opener has more zing…the fuck was I writing? Ah yes, the last time I happened upon something wonderful was a week or so ago in good old London, (oh, for those of you who don’t know, London is a quiet, unassuming city near Slough). I was busy shopping for a few essential items in Covent Garden; essential items like root beer, American chocolate bars and impractical yet highly fashionable boots when KABLOOM! Thunder. I hate the frigging rain so I took cover in the first shop I could see. A place selling frozen yogurt.

Now, I am not the biggest fan of most frozen desserts apart from ice cream and I must concede that I am a total ice cream Nazi. Anything less than orgasmic ice cream is spat across the restaurant/parlour/funeral home into the coffin (sorry Aunty Em). Most other frozen desserts are gimmicky bollocks or pretentious “palate cleansers” used to add on £7.50 or more to your bill. Frozen yogurt is just not my thing. Plus, this place is called “Snog”. The name made me remember awkwardly tongue-poking braced acne sufferers in the corner of some dingy disco…when I was a teen, I hasten to add.

However, this particular vendor of iced cow juice is so fucking extraordinary that I will not only go again and again, I’m buying some god damned shares in the business!


Seriously now, this place rocked my tiny mind. First off, the fact that green tea frozen yogurt is available here wooed me past my initial pessimism. My girlfriend suggested I try a smaller size, pointing to a gluttonous child sitting with a “Medium” that should be called an “Oh fuck I need some stomach staples, Mum.”  After you pick a size and which flavour yogurt (plain, green tea, or a rather stunning dark chocolate) you get to pick toppings and sauces. I got an original flavour with white chocolate stars and a shot of espresso on top.

Sweet shit! My taste buds have barely recovered! I swear I heard a tiny muffled “Oi! This tastes like shite” emanating from the end of my tongue last time I ate some Ben and Jerry’s. Must have been the LSD.
The best thing about this chance discovery was exactly that; it was a total fluke. If I’d been told about this place by a trillion trendy Hoxtonites and urged to “pop in when I have a mo” (or however the fuck they’d phrase it), I would have enjoyed my experience. I would have thought “yeah, this is nice”. But finding it myself, as if I were customer numero Uno and therefore “special”, amplified the pleasure.
So next time you’re walking from one tube station to another or (if you don’t live in London) from one…uh…taxi rank to another…please stop and look at the shops and cafes around you. You may just discover a not so hidden gem.

Ceri Phillips is a young writer and actor currently playing Ollie in BBC’s Coming of Age. He’s also creating comedy forhis sketch group ‘Le 122’.

Frost Film Review: Cemetery Junction

Frost Rating ****

A group of 20 something’s living in the early 70’s in the isolated Cemetary Junction, a sleepy suburb near Reading. Their days consist of mundane jobs, chasing girls, drinking and drawing bits and bobs on billboards.

So far it doesn’t sound like a premise for a hilarious Gervais-Merchant film but underneath the gushy-feel-good-coming-of-age premise is an observant and clever comedy.

I don’t want to give too much away but the story follows three friends living in sleepy Cemetary Junction; Freddie (Christian Cooke), Bruce (Tom Hughes), and Snork (Jack Doolan); who’s lives are transformed by the reappearance of Freddie’s childhood sweetheart Julie (Felicity Jones).
Gervais and Merchant manage to get away with some incredibly politically incorect jokes but it’s set in the 70’s so the audience forgives them. What really makes this film keep you laughing is the brilliant script.

So my advice, if you want to be entertained by a warm, funny, easy on the brain-film…definately go watch it!!!
15 cert (94 mins)

Cemetery Junction Official Site – Sony Pictures

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYDeHIszUqA

The Great Political Debate. Part 1: Is socialism dead?

by Richard Wright

The first of a series of political articles from all the different political parties. This one, by Richard Wright, asks if Socialism exists on any of the political parties anymore

A lonely Socialist (Or living in a past that is no longer the present)

I wander lonely as a cloud. Without a main stream party to call my own. Abandoned by the Blair fashioned Labour Party, reviled by the Conservatives, slightly misunderstood by the Liberal Democrats. When you think the closest thing I have to a voice is Tommy Sheridan you know you might be out of touch with modern politics. And I’m only 26!

“To secure for the workers by hand or by brain the full fruits of their industry and the most equitable distribution thereof that may be possible upon the basis of the common ownership of the means of production, distribution and exchange, and the best obtainable system of popular administration and control of each industry or service.” The original version of Clause IV, drafted by Sidney Webb in November 1917 and adopted by the Labour party in 1918.  A piece of writing that summed up beautifully the socialist centre of this left win party. A party that formed the welfare state and gave this nation the NHS. A party that won the peace when the second world war was over.  And then in 1995 Tony Blair achieve what even the great Hugh Gaitskell had failed to do and brought down this centre of the party. That day destroyed the Labour Party I knew and loved. Yes I was only 12 but the fact was I had been political since a very early age. There had been a mock election at my primary school in 1992 and I had voted Labour. Primarily for the free sweets they had given out – true socialism at work. But the fact was my political nature has been informed by one event.

The Event was the miners’ strike of the 1980’s. I grew up in a little mining village in Durham called Seaham Harbour. It had 3 coal collieries. Due to the miners strike and the actions of Margaret Thatcher all 3 were gone by 1992. The place I used to call home fell into a depression in the 80’s and 90’s and is only now pulling itself out of it. It is still one of the cheapest places to buy property, although that fact is changing dramatically as it redevelops itself.  My father, a Salvation Army Officer at the local corps at the time of the strike, had to go and visit men who were on strike or had been laid off. He had to go and deal with the people who had anger filled hearts. Was it a Tory councilor or MP? No. It was a Salvation Army Officer who had to go and see the anger, fear & utter dejection in the faces of broken human beings. Will I ever forgive the Conservatives for it? No I never will. They broke the heart of the North of England because they could. And I know cheap coal, economic factors but they did nothing to protect the people they were meant to be serving.  When you’re in power you aren’t the government of the people who voted for you!  You do the best for every single one of your people. You look after the whole country, not just the part of the country you like.

So I come to this election. Fired up. Ready to get back into the heart of political battle. And what do I find? Every single party fighting over the centre ground. Pandering to every whim of middle England and taking no chance on the edge. Certainly, there are no main stream left wing parties for me to vote for. Is socialism dead in this country? We seem to be able to protest every time the price of bread goes up in Zimbabwe but we have forgotten about this country. Sure yes we need to support conflicts and situations around the world. But politics begins on your front door. And decisions are made by those who turn up. So where are the socialists? Where is the new breed of Keir Hardy, Ramsey McDonald, George Lansbury, Clem Attlee, Nye Bevan & Harold Wilson? I fear with the political landscape as it is today I will have to sigh, vote for the lesser of three evils in Clegg’s Liberal Democrats and read the 1945 & 1983 Labour party Manifestoes over and over and dream of what could be.

Fanboy letters. To Zack Snyder

Dear Zack

I cannot express in words how much you mean to me. I am a comic book fan (geek) and forever will be. My love for them almost outweighs my love for Films. But when the two come together to make sweet, tender, passionate love then my experience is so joyful that I cannot contain my adoration for those who create the genius and sheer poetry of such masterpieces.  As I sit here listening to the dulcet tones of Van Morrison telling me how fantabulous the night is all I can think of is how I wish I can watch Watchmen once again. While I don’t want to make Love to you Zack, let’s face it you’re no Ben Affleck, I do want to make creative love to your genius. Some people, like Tim Burton, don’t respect the source material when they make comic book movies but you? You make my geeky dreams come true and take panels from the page and make them come to life. I’ve had a crush on you ever since 300. Your adaptation of the Frank Miller novel I love so much almost made me cry. Almost – I’m still a dude. But as sweeping and grand as 300 is my full on man crush on your creativity and my deep burning passion for your vision can be put down to Watchmen.

Sure you have your critics. Like you took the Giant Squid and didn’t use it. Hey sshh don’t listen to them they just don’t understand that after Jon Peters and the giant Spider idea for Superman Lives that would have been stupid. You don’t have to explain why people are saying the movie tanked in America in its second weekend at the box office. No. You don’t have to explain to people why it’s not doing the expected business. True art doesn’t have to justify itself Zack.  Zack just remember you made an amazing film and that I think you’re great. You’re a huge big time director now!

But…….I have something to tell you. There’s someone else. I know I said we’d be together forever but as much as I love Watchmen. As much as I love 300. As much as there awesomeness makes me a happy man Zack I need to confess that you are merely a cinematic fling. A graphic affair if you will. I’m sorry that you can never be my own true love.  That will always be Bryan Singer. I will always love X-Men 2 more than any other comic book film ever made. Oh sure it’s not as amazingly accurate as your films. It doesn’t have bone crunching action like your films or have trailer lines that make me want to wet myself in geeky excitement at their mere mention. After all THIS IS SPARTA!

But X-Men 2 will forever be me one, true love.  The opening scene will always be the moment my heart was stolen by Bryan Singer. Sure it’s not perfect but what relationship is? I can even forgive him Superman Returns for the sheer fantabulous nature of the opening to X-Men 2. The music. Nightcrawler. The action. The drama. I’m sorry but the times may be a changing but not in my world of comic book love. X-Men 2 will forever be my love. Watchmen will forever be my lust.

Can’t you be happy with second place in my heart? I love you more than Nolan! I do I really do! Nolan could never steel my heart like you Zack. The way you direct makes me want you to direct me. Well not really but it makes me want to direct so that works right? The Dark Knight makes me happy. It’s great. But you make me really happy. Just not X-Men 2 happy! Zack believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you. My love for you is firm and true. But when it’s all said and done and the curtain falls and the credits role all I am left with is the faint and subtle sense that I will forever love Singer more.

Zack you rock. You kick so many other comic directors’ ass.  But you will forever live in the shadow of my love for Bryan Singer. Sorry. You may shout out Love me more than Singer but I’ll whisper…..no

In sheer awe

The Fan Boy
( Written by Richard Wright )

Glee: Hell-o {TV Preview}

Our lucky guest writer Blake Connolly got a sneaky peak from Channel 4 at the upcoming episode of Glee, if you want to know what’s instore; keep reading…


Glee returns to E4 tomorrow after a few weeks off to catch up with the broadcasts in the United States. The musical comedy-drama has been a phenomenon around the world since it first appeared on American screens last September. Songs from the series have rocketed to the top of the download charts, the DVDs are selling by the bucketload, and as Catherine has reported, Lucky Voice have recently started offering Glee nights at their karaoke bars.

Originally written as a feature film script by Ian Brennan, based on his own experiences in a high-school show choir, it was developed for television by Nip/Tuck writers Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk. Murphy had previously created Popular, another series set in a high school, remembered fondly for it’s quirky, surreal humour and non sequiturs. Glee is similarly full of one-liners and a cynical streak which undercuts the upbeat power-pop ballads and uplifting messages. This is no High School Musical. For one thing, the music’s pretty good, with the series so far using tracks from artists as diverse as Amy Winehouse, Kanye West, Queen, Lily Allen, The Supremes and of course Journey. But the writing is also a lot sharper than many people who haven’t seen the show would credit, with some terrific one-liners, including this week’s “Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?”

When we left off a few weeks back, New Directions had just won the sectionals, with the brilliantly nasty cheerleader coach Sue Sylvester being suspended after helping the competing glee clubs by leaking the set list, while their director Will Schuester kissed obsessive-compulsive school councellor Emma Pillsbury hours after her wedding was called off. However, we soon see that Sue Sylvester isn’t away for long (after all, it just wouldn’t be the same without her), as she uses some Rohypnol and a digital camera to not only allow her to return to the school but also put the glee club in jeopardy once again. Will is told by Principal Figgins that, having won the sectionals, they will now have to win the regional finals if they are to continue. Rachel has started dating Finn, who hasn’t yet gotten over the discovery that he is not the father of his ex-girlfriend Quinn’s baby. Sue, knowing that Rachel is both the glee club’s strongest singer and the weakest emotionally, sets her sights on her as she attempts to bring down New Directions.

The episode includes some of the funniest lines in the series yet, all of them coming from Sue and her two undercover “cheerios” Santana and Brittany. There’s also some very good music, with Will asking each member of the club to sing a song which includes the word “hello”, so yes, there’s some Lionel Richie, but a couple of the songs only feature the first syllable of the word, so there’s a certain AC/DC classic in there too.

Things continue to look good for the show, with a second season already ordered for the autumn. Open auditions are being held in the US to cast new characters, which will culminate in a reality TV-style special before the new cast members are revealed in the first episode of the new season. While we sadly can’t take part in that here in the UK, E4 are holding a competition, with a lucky winner being flown out to LA to have a walk-on part.

After tomorrow night’s “hello” special, the following episode will be full of Madonna songs. Not sure whether to watch? Four words: Sue Sylvester does Vogue.

Catch Glee: Hell-o on Monday 19th April, 9pm on E4.

Blake Connolly usually writes at Transmission. See more of his reviews.

Telly Predictions: Happy Finish

The unique televisual experiment that is Comedy Lab returns this week to unearth more comedy stars of tomorrow and there’s a buzz about one of the pilots in particular.

Happy Finish is a bold, funny and visually striking gang sketch show showcasing some of Channel 4’s next generation of character comedians and sketch writers, as well as two of the country’s most promising up and coming comedy producers and directors.

Comedy Lab; the platform that has helped launched the careers of top performers such as Ricky Gervais, Dom Joly, Mitchell & Webb, Peter Kay and Jimmy Carr, as well as uncovering such gems as Modern Toss and Hat Trick’s Fonejacker.

Staring NADIA KAMIL (28 Acts in 28 Minutes, Newsjack); DANIEL KALUUYA (Skins, Psychoville, Dr Who)’; NICO TATAROWICZ (Krod Mandoon, Shooting Stars); SARA PASCOE (Free Agents, The Thick Of It, Being Human) and MIKE WOZNIAK, voted Time Out New Act Of The Year and if.comedy Best Newcomer. The sketches are written by THE DAWSON BROTHERS (That Mitchell & Webb Look, The Peter Serafinowicz Show, The Kevin Bishop Show).  They have also notched up nearly a million hits for their homemade youtube and funnyordie.co.uk sketches.

The show is directed by AL CAMPBELL (Screenwipe, Trigger Happy TV) and produced by MARK TALBOT, creator of cult comedy night Sabotage where this cast all performed before being picked for the show.

Mark Talbot has this to say “Happy Finish is beautifully filmic with sketches that include an illegal downloading that goes horribly wrong, a boyfriend returning from the dead, the archaeologists who discover one of Jesus’ practical jokes and a glimpse into the perils of homemade time travel.  The show will also have an online presence with exclusive clips being featured on the comedy website www.funnyordie.co.uk.  Comedy Lab has unearthed many of the comedy stars of tomorrow – and our show gives some really talented comedians a chance to show what they can do.”


Happy Finish isn’t the first sketch show in the world to be associated with the funnyordie name but this looks set to be a world away from the American sketch show from the US site. Check out the trailer and some exclusive clips at funnyordie.co.uk/happyfinish
If it doesn’t get picked for a full series I’m sure a lot of people will be sorely dissapointed.

Happy Finish is coming to your TV screens on 19th April 2010 at 11.35pm Channel 4. No doubt it will also be on 4OD forever more.

Dear DONOVAN: Why do birds

Meet DONOVAN. The unforgiving, cynical, potty mouthed agony uncle. No one knows why his name’s always in caps, maybe he shouts it for emphasis.

** Disclaimer: The views, colourful language and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Frostmagazine.com **

Dear DONOVAN,

I was pooed on by a bird. Why do people always say it’s lucky if a bird poos on you…?

Chris from Waterford

Chris,

I hope you are referring to the feathered type and not Two girls One cup!

…or some hooker with a dodgy stomach who has convinced you out of embarrassment that “it’s all the rage in Holland!”

I have no idea why, and refuse to look it up on Wikipedia as it’s a waste of my time and yours to do so!

I can only imagine they mean that it’s lucky it missed your eyes or mouth!

And In what other situation would that be an acceptable thing to say?

If you worked in a zoo and a ruddy great elephant or hippo dropped a big on one you, your mates wouldn’t say that’s lucky would they?

They would just laugh; so would everyone else watching; maybe even film it and stick it on YouTube! and then not speak to you for a few days.

So stop this stupid superstitious tradition and have the fucking guts to say “that’s soo fuckin funny mate how unlucky was that!!!!”

If it was really all that lucky you’d get flocks of businessmen, homeless people and fellers holding lottery tickets lying on the ground in Trafalgar square having spiked bird seed with chilly powder waiting to be shat upon!

Then masturbating themselves into their own oblivion saying I’m so fucking lucky!!! check out my goggles.

While I’m at it, what the hell is so lucky about a rabbits foot?? It wasn’t lucky for the poor rabbit!

Chris you remind me of a much younger me, before the sexual abuse and eczema!

don’t let these silly people get to you.

I’m sending you a DONOVAN mug and at least 3 strands of my pubes (Framed).

God bless you young man.

Our writer, Francesca, meets Israeli-Arab journalist Khaled Abu Toameh,

On Tuesday, I attended a talk by the noted Israeli-Arab journalist Khaled Abu Toameh, held in the flocked wallpaper glory of Westminster. What he said was interesting, relevant, and worthy of a larger audience than that which he attracted. He is not an impartial observer by any means – an Arab Muslim who lives in Jerusalem, and is West Bank correspondent for the Jerusalem Post – he is unashamedly pro-Palestinian. For him, though, being pro-Palestinian does not automatically mean vilification of Israel. As he put it, indelicately – if a man, woman or child in Gaza or the West Bank needs a heart transplant, the only country in the Middle East that will provide medical care is Israel. He excoriates the surrounding Arab countries for so completely abandoning their brothers in Palestine (Jordan is presently revoking citizenship for hundreds of Palestinian families who have been resident in Jordan since 1948 and before), and blames EU and American miscalculations in 2006 for the present situation.

If the US did not want Hamas in government, why did they encourage free and fair democratic elections in Gaza in 2006? Fatah went to Condoleezza Rice and said: “We are perceived as corrupt and spineless in Gaza. There’s a real possibility we might lose this”. The Americans ignored this, and when Hamas won by a clear majority, appeared to back-flip on its commitment to the democratic process – condemning the result and boycotting the new government of Gaza. The Palestinians in Gaza were all at once the victims of the most egregious hypocrisy – elect your own government, but if it’s not the one we want, we won’t be doing business with them. Meanwhile, Fatah groups in Gaza were coming under immense pressure from the new Hamas coalition, and fighting broke out on the streets of Gaza City between the rival factions. Hundreds of Fatah members fled Gaza, heading for the Egyptian border, which was promptly closed. Then they turned to Israel for rescue, and were allowed into southern Israel, only to be swiftly dumped in the West Bank.

Hamas swept to victory on an anti-Fatah, “time for change” platform – which Toameh thinks has now been largely dismissed in favour of hard-line Islamist policies and secretive international diplomacy (mainly with the Iranians and Syrians). The people suffer just the same, only now they are forced into Islamist contortions that many of them dislike and fear. There’s one good thing about Hamas though – they say pretty much the same thing in English as in Arabic. They stand for the destruction of Israel, entirely, and then, for a khalifa-style Arab kingdom, of the sort beloved by Muslim Brotherhood groups everywhere. Abu Toameh reminisces about a newspaper he picked up in Toronto, the headline of which proclaimed that Hamas was becoming more moderate, and about to recognise the state of Israel. Amazing! he thought – what have I missed at home? Upon his return, he headed straight to the house of a senior Hamas politician in Ramallah, and asked what had happened in his absence. The answer was nothing. The newspaper’s headline was the cause of much hilarity that week.

A two-state solution appears to have been implemented already –the Palestinians have two states: one in the West Bank and one in Gaza. Fatah is weak and divided, propped up by the desperate Americans and Europeans. Toameh is quite clear: Mahmoud Abbas calls for Israeli troops to be withdrawn from the West Bank on a daily basis; the moment this happens, he is likely to be dragged into Ramallah’s main square and hung. The bitterness of the Hamas/Fatah struggle is so acute, they appear to have forgotten about the Israelis – they now call each other pigs and dogs, and ignore the Jews. Unless significant pressure is put on both sides to compromise and come together there is no partner for peace for Israel, and more importantly, no chance of a true Palestinian homeland.

The last, and most depressing point: Toameh is constantly amazed by the level of anti-Israel vitriol he experiences in Britain and in Europe. He once telephoned British newspaper editors with a story about Fatah’s corruption and was asked, point blank, whether he was working for the ‘Jewish lobby’. What lobby? he exclaimed – and how much do they pay? Joking aside, he says he is saddened that being ‘pro-Palestinian’ in this country does not mean doing anything for the Palestinian people, it means hating Israel and settling comfortably into a morally righteous narrative that finds facts and reality confusing. When the situation on the ground is this complex, there can be no easy ‘right’ way to think about the conflict. He asked: what do boycotts do to help Palestinians? What do rallies do to help Palestinians? What do changing the lyrics to Christmas carols and passing anti-Israel motions at London universities do to help the Palestinians? Nothing. If you’re really interested in helping the Palestinian people, go to the West Bank and teach in schools, donate books about liberalism and freedom (if you’re a liberal and believe in freedom), donate money to organisations that encourage Arabs and Jews to sit down in the same room and realise their similarities and not their differences. And recognise that no Jew in Israel (who is not a lunatic) has no interest in re-occupying the West Bank or Gaza, and that no Jewish mother wants to send her son into street combat in Gaza.

The best we can hope for is a period of stability, coalition building on the Palestinian side, and improving the internal Palestinian economy. Netanyahu can freeze settlement building, or not, but it will make no difference to the quest for real peace in the region until the Palestinians resolve their rift and start a real campaign for statehood.

By Francesca Rose-Lewis.