Tag Archives: ex

The Ghost of Relationships Past

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The old phrase ‘lesson learnt’ is never truer than after the end of a relationship. With each heart break we experience we take something different from it. But do we ever truly move on if we keep repeating the mistakes of our past relationships?

Relationship expert for online match maker eHarmony.co.uk, Dr Gian Gonzaga says “sometimes people lose faith in finding love because they seem to be continually attracted to the ‘wrong’ type of people”.  According to Gonzaga, at times it can seem as though no matter how hard we try we end up with the same problems but with different people, like magnets that attract the same situation over and over again.  It’s time we examine where we are going wrong and eradicate the real issue, to really be able to move on and find lasting love.

So excavate the past to create a different future for yourself:

The common denominator

Look at all your past relationships, write them down if it helps, and ask yourself these questions about each one. What attracted you to the person in the first place? What caused the relationship to end? Were there signs early on in the relationship that there were problems but you ignored them?

Old relationships are never wasted, they are a rich source of information which you can go back over to discover what you could do differently in the future. Be really honest with yourself and try to look at the relationship from an outsider’s point of view. What you are looking for is the similarities between them to see if there is a pattern.

Is the thing that attracts the thing that destroys?

Are you attracted to creative, emotionally unavailable men and then the relationship ends because you don’t get enough attention? Or are you drawn to bright, bubbly women but then fail to get very far because you feel threatened when she flirts with your mates?

Look at the people who have qualities that you find attractive – not just the ones you have had relationships with but also people in the media, friends etc. What is it in them that you find attractive? Then look at yourself and develop those qualities in yourself rather than waiting for someone else to come and make you feel that way.

Don’t fall for someone’s potential

This is the most common mistake that people make in relationships. They meet someone and they fall in love with what they ‘could be’ rather than what they ‘are’ today. They believe that if they love this person enough; give them lots of encouragement, support and everything they need in order to blossom that they will have a wonderful relationship together. Although this often comes from a loving place it is starting a relationship from the basis of wanting to change the other person rather than accepting and loving them as they are. It is a great feeling to be the hero or heroine in another person’s life but it is rarely going to lead to a healthy relationship because the basis of the relationship isn’t equal.

Look in the mirror

When a relationship ends it can be comforting to think it was all the other person’s fault but that attitude is depriving you of the opportunity of finding out what you could do differently next time. Look back through the story of your time together and look at your own behaviour. At what points could you have done something differently? Are you angry with all men/women because of things that have happened in your past? If so now might be the time to get some help if you really want things to change.

Change your mind

Just like any other area of life, relationship choices can become habitual and instinctive. We often dismiss potential matches simply because they don’t conform to an image we have in our head of ‘our type’. Open your mind and heart and start saying ‘yes’ to communication or dates with matches that you would normally dismiss out of hand, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Noone’s fate is fixed in stone, we can all change and grow and even if you have never had a healthy relationship in the past it is no reason that you never will in the future.

http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/start-with-you/2011/11/how-to-make-your-future-love-life-different-from-your-past

 

Can’t Give You Up – Photos We Can Never Throw Out

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NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP – THOSE PHOTOS WE CAN’T BRING OURSELVES TO GET RID OF

  • ·         43 per cent of Brits keep photographs of former partners

 

Breaking up is hard to do, and while millionairess Tamara Ecclestone has tasked bodyguards with ridding her home of every trace of her love rat ex-boyfriend Omar Khyami, research from Friends Reunited shows many of us can’t bring ourselves to be so cut-throat. The latest findings reveal 21.6 million Brits have held onto photographs of former partners following a break up.

 

Women are more sentimental than men, with 61 per cent claiming they keep the photos as they highlight a part of their life they don’t want to forget, versus 56 per cent of men.  But men may be hiding more from their partners than their other halves realise. One in five men (20%) in a current relationship who have photos of their ex partners say they have hidden photos of an ex fearing disapproval from their new partner, compared to only nine per cent of women.

 

Men also seem to have more weighing on their conscience, as 17 per cent said they ‘sometimes feel guilty about keeping photos of their ex partners’, compared to just 11 per cent of their female counterparts. They may have good reason for this, however, as more than one in ten men who keep photos of their ex partners (12%) admit they still have feelings for their ex, compared to only five percent of women.

 

Corinne Sweet, behavioral psychologist said: “It’s not surprising that nearly half of us keep some kind of visual memento of past partners; a photo generates strong emotions as it unleashes memories of past attachment and times. The main reason people hide their photos (especially men) is probably due to a fear of their current partner’s jealousy, or of evoking comparisons in terms of attractiveness and sexiness, etc.  Emotionally mature partners will be able to accept you have a past love-life.

 

“The point at which people are able to put an ex-partner’s photo away (after a split, divorce or death) is usually the time they are emotionally ready to move on. Yet, it is totally understandable for people to keep photos to remind them of previous loves, as, indeed, these images do form part of our life stories – whether for better or for worse.”

 

Top reasons for keeping photos of ex partners:

  All Men Women
It was part of my life/growing up that I don’t want to forget 59% 56% 61%
They bring back good memories 40% 45% 35%
I don’t like throwing any photos away 37% 38% 36%
They remind me of a special event 24% 22% 25%
I look good in the photos 10% 10% 9%
They make me laugh 10% 8% 11%
I still have feelings for my ex 9% 12% 5%
I think we may get back together one day 2% 3% 1%
So I can use them against him/her one day 1% 2% 1%

 

 

The majority of us (48%) keep these snaps in old photo albums, but others (31%) stash them in cupboards and drawers, or in the attic (12%). Nine per cent of men say they purposely keep the photos in hidden files on their computer.

 

Matt Bushby, Head of Friends Reunited, said: “We all have photos from our past we want to keep; whether we want to share with others, or remain private. Old photos are often the best – they bring back memories and blasts from the pasts, even if we think we’d sometimes prefer to forget! The new Friends Reunited site is the one place you can search, collect and save treasured personal memories, especially old photos that have a special place in our hearts and you make them totally private if you want too!”


How To Get Over A Break Up.

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SGPFew things in life are as hard as a break up. Having your heart broken is not for wimps. Yet everyone will go through it at some point. Being left by someone you love will leave you bereft but you will survive. Here is the Frost guide to healing as quickly as possible.

[Note: although this articles is about getting over a man, the same advice mostly applies to women too]

Give yourself time to mourn

Nothing stops the end from being so hard.

When something ends in your life, no matter what it is, it is going to hurt. The end of a relationship is the death of that relationship and you have to give yourself time to mourn.

However, only give yourself a few days, a week maximum to really mop. Sounds tough, but it’s the best way. After that, go out a lot, join some classes, talk to your friends, exercise, or even just spend an evening watching a good boxset or reading magazines. Treat yourself and be kind. You are fragile so treat yourself as well as possible.

Cut him off.

When someone hurts you, react. Forgiveness comes later. Keep your dignity at all times, but don’t let yourself be manipulated. There is a reason you broke up.

Delete him on Facebook, stop following him on Twitter. Delete his number, his email from your contact list, cut him off. If he doesn’t want you in his life, then he doesn’t get to have you as a friend. Don’t settle for second best. He will probably want to keep you around and have you as a ‘friends with benefits’ but you are worth more, don’t do it.

Remove him from your life with surgical precision. Sell everything he bought you on Ebay and use the proceeds to go on a holiday with your girlfriends. Get ride of every mementos. Change your surrounding as much as possible and have a clear out. All of this will help.

Some people think you can be friends with an ex. Maybe you can after a long period, But, I think, the only reasons two exes can be friends is if they still love each other, or if they never did.

Don’t just rebound with the next guy.

Having casual sex will just make you feel worse. Embrace the good things about being single, not the meat market aspect. You will be a different person from who went into the relationship. Give yourself some time to grow and settle into yourself.

Remind yourself what you didn’t like about him.

Write everything down. No one is perfect and there are things he done that drove you mad. Did he play computer games all day? Watch football? Whatever it is, that has also gone from your life too. Thumbs up.

Take responsibility

Take note of what you did wrong in the relationship, the mistakes you made. Learn from every bad experience. It takes two people to destroy a relationship. Your next relationship will be the better for it.

Enjoy being single.

Embrace all the great things about being single. Do all of the things that you love that he hated. Go out and flirt. Flirting is fun and there are a lot of amazing men out there. Go out and date. Enjoy yourself knowing you have no ball and chain.

Become an independent women who loves her life. Remember when Prince William dumped Kate Middleton? Kate shortened her hem lines, and went out with Williams friends looking absolutely stunning. No wonder he fell back in love with her.

[If you follow all of this advice and your ex comes crawling back, think hard before taking him back, all of the old problems will still be there. Don’t throw more good time after bad.]

Let go

Know that everything will get better and that time will heal. After removing him from your life and embracing your new one, let go. Nothing good comes from hanging onto the past. Go out and live your life, knowing that you are better off without him.

My final piece of advice is to not let a bad man ruin you for a good one in the future. There is a good man out there for you. If you become bitter, he wins. Always know that even in the darkest moments that there is a good man out there for you, and one day you will find him. Just keep searching and live your life.

What You Need To Know About Divorce

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Five most common misconceptions about divorce

Couples considering divorce often have a number of misconceptions about the legal process and financial settlement which can cause unnecessary stress. Caroline Bourn, solicitor at Buss Murton Law LLP, Tunbridge Wells has highlighted the five most commonly mentioned by clients to help people keep a sense of perspective on the proceedings.

Caroline Bourn comments: “You would naturally expect clients to have a number of questions about the divorce process but is seems many people confuse what they see or hear in the media. Also people need to make sure they tie up all the loose ends of their divorce as they often don’t realise that there can be ongoing financial responsibilities towards a former spouse.”

1. To allow a divorce to go ahead the Respondent signs the Divorce Petition.

No, when the court sends the Divorce Petition to the Respondent they will also send a blank form called an acknowledgment of service form which should be filled in and returned to the Court within seven days. This form asks specific questions to which the court need answers to be able to grant the divorce – simply signing the petition is not enough.

2. The Decree Nisi brings your marriage to an end.

As reported in the press recently, Liz Hurley’s marriage “ended” in divorce when the Judge pronounced their Decree Nisi. This is not the case, marriage does not end on Decree Nisi, they end on Decree Absolute. The earliest possible date you can apply for Decree Absolute, if you are the Petitioner, is 6 weeks and a day after Decree Nisi. If you are a Respondent it is a further 3 months after the Petitioner could first apply and even then there may be a hearing before a Judge. However, often neither party will apply for Decree Absolute, unless there is an agreement about the finances and that has been known to take years in some cases.

3. You can get a quickie divorce like lots of celebrities seem to do.

Not even the celebrities get quickie divorces, they have to use the same system as the rest of us. Normally, if things go very smoothly, it will take around 6 to 8 weeks from the date the petition is issued by the Court to the date of Decree Nisi and as it will be a minimum of 6 weeks and a day from Decree Nisi before you can apply for Decree Absolute, and even then it may not be in your best interests to be divorced, as you may no longer benefit from death in service and pension benefits and even any inheritance from your ex.

4. Your soon to be ex can put the family home up for sale without your agreement.

Kevin Webster from Coronation Street managed to put the family home up for sale, despite his wife Sally making it clear she did not agree. In the real world any estate agents worth their salt would ensure that all the owners of the property agreed to put the property on the market for sale before marketing the property.

All the legal owners have to sign a contract and a Transfer document and without these a sale could never go through. One person can never force another person to sell a property unless there is a court order which states the property must be sold. Obtaining a Court order is an expensive and often time consuming process and would not be granted without a hearing before a Judge.

5. If you are divorced then your ex can’t make a claim on your money.

If you divorce without sorting out a financial agreement then it does not matter how long ago you divorced, either you or your ex can apply to the court to make a claim. The only bar on this would be that a person who has remarried could not make a claim on an ex, but if you have remarried, and your ex has not then your ex can still make a claim on you. All your assets and to a certain extent those of your new spouse would have to be disclosed to a court and would be considered in any court proceedings.

The only way to avoid this is to have an agreement drawn up which is then approved by a Judge. This document is called a Consent Order and it will contain an agreement that once approved by a Judge is binding upon you and your ex.

If after the divorce you inherit or win the lottery (remember Nigel Page who paid £2million of his Euromillions lottery win to his ex of 10 years last year), then you are safe in the knowledge that your ex can’t make a claim on your money. Once a Court have approved a Consent Order neither party can come back to make a claim on assets, properties or pensions, although if the Consent Order states that maintenance will be paid then the door is left open so that if circumstances change then the maintenance can be varied.