Catherine and Genevieve on the weirdness of their careers….
I had the idea for this article when an old friend asked me what I had been up to. The answer was: lots of stuff that seems very weird if you’re not an actor. I called Genevieve and she agreed. We have to let people know how bloody weird our lives get. As an actor you always have those moments when you’re dressed like someone else, on a set that is made to look somewhere else, saying lines that a writer wrote. It is utterly surreal and you realise that this is my life. So, here is our top ten in no particular order…
1. Don’t drink the props…
I once watched an actress drink half a bottle of neat blackcurrant cordial as the production person in charge of getting grape juice couldn’t find any on time. Of course she felt incredibly sick. You never know what’s going to be in your glass or cup, it’s like drink roulette, it could be sparkling apple or it could be ginger beer. It might be cold coffee, or it just might not have sugar in it. It might be one take, or it might be twenty. It’s just not worth the risk.
[Genevieve]
2. How to pickpocket.
Filming can be boring. Incredibly so. It was while sitting on a Pokerstar commercial ( a shoot that was actually fun. Mostly due to the amazing cast and crew. ) that I learned a rather old school trick that should help if the acting work ever dries up. How to pickpocket. Basically, you ‘bump’ into someone. Then you apologize. When you bump into them you swiftly grab their wallet out of their pocket. They are so distracted that they don’t notice. Also they do not feel it as you hit them somewhere else. Genius!
Note: I take no responsibility for anyone actions or legal issues that come from trying this.
[Catherine]
3. How to dance like a drunken youth…
…In freezing subzero conditions, in a mini skirt in the dead of night no less. There I was literally contracting hypothermia on the set of The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus, I was vaguely aware of the Director; Terry Gilliam; telling us to be more lively and act more drunkenly…in the same way I was vaguely aware of my toes. Before I knew it, I was being used in a drunken dance demonstration; being swung about by a be-hatted Terry who was doing a brilliant impression of a raucous drunkard.
[Genevieve]
4. How to stamp on the original Eighth Dr Who’s head without hurting him.
At the beginning of the year I was cast as a 17 year old thug. I complete stretch if you know me. I got a part in the up coming TV series ‘Luther.’ I had to stamp on Paul McGann’s head. Because Paul is such a big star I had to first meet up with the stunt coordinator so I didn’t actually smack him in the face. Or worse. Kill him.
So at a brewery in East London I met up with the stunt coordinator. Who promptly hits me in the face. It hurts. I get the irony but I laugh it off. So, on set – kep out of the way of the stunt coordinator’s elbows.
[Catherine]
5. No matter how good your work is, nothing is sacred.
I spent a good hour in a Holby City make-up chair while various injuries were applied to me. My unfortunate character; Shazia Khan; was supposed to have been in a car crash and as a result had a horrible head and leg injury. The leg injury was pretty spectacular and grossed everybody out. I get on set and was so disappointed when they decided to give me a blanket and the wound got covered up.
[Genevieve]
6. How not to embarrass yourself in front of Dustin Hoffman.
The title is actually a lie. I did not manage this, I have met Dustin Hoffman a few times now and he is quite lovely. On the set of Last Chance Harvey I saw Dustin waving and smiling. I smiled and waved back. Only to realise that he was waving at the person behind me….Mortified to this day. He was nice about it though.
[Catherine]
7. How to survive a zombie apocalypse…
In an apocalypse, the only thing you need is well trained zombies and a fight coordinator!! Especially when fighting zombie hoards with nothing but your bare fists and a toy banjo. In all seriousness, the last thing you want to do is damage yourself/other actors/a grade II listed building. Some inexperienced actors can get carried away and not realise that what they’re doing could be dangerous. So always listen to the person in charge.
[Genevieve]
8. How to motivate an actor to push you down the stairs.
On the set of ‘Zombie Apocalypse’ I not only decapitated a zombie ( lots of fun, done with special effects and precise spade movements ) I had to throw a zombie down the stairs. This is obviously not a real zombie. it’s a person and I don’t want to kill him. After two takes he is not feeling it. So, he says to me ‘If you hurt me I will buy you a drink.’ The next take the director gets his shot and the zombie comes up to me limping and says: ‘I owe you a drink.’ Oh well. All is fair in love and film-making.
[Catherine]
9. How to work with imaginary characters and scenery…
…in front of a green screen, when the other actors can’t be bothered to sit in as they assume they’re not in the shot, working with fictional monsters, people materialising a meter in front of you. You may or may not be provided with a tennis ball on a stick. You’ll look and feel ridiculous but remember…it’ll look amazing in the end.
[Genevieve]
10. Brian Moloko will show you how to put a drip in your hand.
At Three Mills Studio in East London, with make up that makes me look like a junkie, I met a childhood hero. Brian Moloko and he showed me the correct way to put a drip in my hand. Doubt I will use this skill but if a career in nursing ever beckons….
[Catherine]
For more on acting and how to be a successful actor, check out my book: How To Be a Successful Actor: Becoming an Actorpreneur.
Tom Holloway’s Knock Yourself Out gives the audience a glimpse of modern university life, portraying the highs and the lows of two post-grads and a heroine junky enrolled on an MA course.