Category Archives: Relationships & Love

Can The Biological Clock Cloud Your Relationship Judgement?

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Bombarded by fertility facts and figures, women are increasingly obsessed with the ‘tick-tock’ of their biological clock, with the desire to find ‘Mr Happy Ever After ‘feeling all-consuming.

“Trying to find the perfect partner, who meets all of your ideas, can lead you to missing out on prospects who would make a very good partner,” says Dr Gian Gonzaga, relationship scientist at eHarmony.co.uk. “Conversely, settling for someone who doesn’t even have all the things you need in a partner, just to start a family, can lead to a very unhappy marriage.”

According to Dr Gonzaga, who studies thousands of singles and couples at the eHarmony Labs in California, much of the energy going in to finding ‘Mr or Mrs Happy Ever After’ is being channelled in the wrong direction, leading those who crave to settle down and build a family never managing to meet the right person to share their life.

Dr Gonzaga’s research has resulted in five key learnings that singles can apply to ensure that they meet the right person to build a life and family:

· Be careful who you look for. A serious partner needs to share your values, and life plans. It’s important for both men and women to avoid the types of people who seem to have a roving eye, who prioritise a lot else in their life before you, or who seem to be heading in a totally different direction to you. It’s best to avoid even dating people who aren’t remotely ready or able to commit if you’re thinking seriously about marriage and babies in the near future.

· As well as a ticking clock, chemistry can also cloud your judgement. There’s no denying chemistry is an important factor in deciding on a potential mate. After all we have to be attracted to someone to want to have their children, but try to look beyond that initial ‘zing’ and ascertain whether you share the same long term values in life. Looks don’t last – but shared interest and values make for a solid potential partnership.

· If you’re single and already on the dating scene, it helps to become a savvy dater and learn how to recognise the signs of a relationship that is casual, or not likely to lead to anything serious. You need to be in a relationship where both parties are investing equal amounts of time and energy, as this is when it could be time to commit to a relationship that could be the start of something serious.

· When dating a new person, or considering dating them, think carefully about your compatibility and make sure you know whether they share the same ‘must-haves ‘ when it comes to children as you. For example, does this person really want children in the future? Do you have a similar outlook on how a child will fit into your lives? Having a similar attitude to child-rearing is one of the most fundamental areas of compatibility.

· Finally, take a step back and relax. Young people, particularly women, often put pressure on themselves to meet certain deadlines in life – for example, marriage at 30, or babies by 32. These timelines are often only imposed by society, or peer pressure, and are not worth being restricted by, as it’s impossible to control every factor in life and the best things can happen at the most unexpected times.

MUMS-TO-BE WASTE £158 MILLION EACH YEAR ON BABY PRODUCTS THEY WILL NEVER USE

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A survey of British mothers shows that the average new mother wastes more than £200 on items such as baby DVDs, room humidifiers and changing bins.

Useless baby products to appear in the top 20 list of never-used buys include air purifiers, Video monitors, car seat covers and baby bath stands.

Interestingly, items that some children might enjoy – such as baby swings and baby walkers –aren’t rated as particularly useful by mums.

Sally J. Hall, product champion for Bounty.com, which conducted the research said: “It’s hard to know what to buy for a baby if you haven’t had one before. You can listen to advice from other mums, friends and family and swot up with books and the internet, but the fact is, each mum has a different lifestyle and income – and should choose to suit herself rather than blindly follow an off-the-shelf ‘baby list’”

“Each child is different too – if you have a placid, calm baby that sleeps through the night you might not be as concerned about checking the temperature of the room and the air purification every five minutes.”

The survey shows that the majority of mums (86%) started to stock up on baby products long before they even had the child – but 43% say they totally over-bought on what they needed. The average new mother admitted to spending nearly £700 in total on baby products and 14% of women got into trouble with their partner for over-spending on things they didn’t strictly need for the baby.

Nappies, baby clothing, wet wipes, prams and bottles all featured highly as essentials that mums should buy, while basic furniture such as cots, highchair, nursery furniture and Moses baskets are considered essential for British mums.

Sally continues; “We commissioned this research as the current economic climate has seen families having to tighten their belts. Having a baby is already an expensive business and we wanted to understand from new mums themselves which products they found really essential – and which they could have definitely done without.

“New parents generally have less disposable income, through taking maternity leave and having to get by on one salary – but to look round some of the shops, you’d think that babies couldn’t manage without endless accessories.

“When it comes down to it, all babies need are to have their basic needs met – to eat, be kept clean and warm – and to be loved – something parents should keep in mind if they’re watching their spending.”

Bounty has used the information to launch the answer to this dilemma. The Bounty Baby Product Guide will be distributed to around 96% of all first time pregnant mums at the beginning of their third month of pregnancy – just when they are making these important decisions. It shows pregnant women how to buy sensibly for their income and lifestyle and recommends products that will save them money and give them more time to spend with their new baby.

TOP 20 LEAST USEFUL BABY BUYS

1. Air purifier

2. Video monitor

3. Baby DVD

4. Room humidifier

5. Designer pram / pushchair

6. Changing bin

7. Room thermometer

8. Feeding pillow

9. Sound and movement monitor

10. Baby bath stand

11. Top and tail bowl

12. Baby shoes

13. Bath thermometer

14. Round rubber baby chair

15. Car seat cover

16. Brand name nappies

17. Bath seat

18. Baby swing

19. Baby walker

20. Soft cuddly toys

TOP 20 MOST USEFUL BABY BUYS

1. Nappies

2. Baby grows

3. Wet wipes

4. Pram or pushchair

5. Baby vest

6. Bottles

7. Cot

8. Changing mat

9. Bedding

10. Car seat

11. Steam steriliser

12. Bibs

13. Baby blankets

14. Clothing

15. Highchair

16. Baby bath

17. Nappy bags

18. Nursery furniture

19. Stair gates

20. Moses basket / crib

Author Helen Croydon: 'All Relationships Are a Form of Prostitution'

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CAN’T BUY ME LOVE?

Bestselling author and journalist Helen Croydon has stirred controversy for claiming that all relationships are, in essence, a “form of prostitution”.

Croydon, a leading relationships commentator, says that behind every long-term relationship there is a quid pro quo arrangement that “needs to be satisfied” for a sexual partnership to work.

Prostitution, she argues, is only one extreme of a “sliding scale” of relationships, where the arrangement is based on the exchange of money for sex.

On the other end of the scale – marriage – the process of exchange-for-reward is still there, but money has been replaced with another currency, which the writer describes as “emotional capital”.

She is now calling for a “major re-evaluation” of relationships, pressing for a policy of “sexual honesty” that could, she claims, rid society of a harmful and repressive system of taboos.

She expressed her outspoken views in a column for The Erotic Review and interview with YouTube channel Joy TV about her critically-acclaimed book Sugar Daddy Diaries: When a Fantasy Became an Obsession, which hit the shelves earlier this year.

She said: “All relationships are an arrangement. There is no line between relationships and prostitution – they are all on a sliding scale.

“We all have – subconsciously or consciously – a goal in mind for a relationship. We give up a lot for a relationship in terms of time and freedoms and we wouldn’t do that unless it didn’t benefit us in some way.

“That something may be that we don’t want to be on our own. It may be that we want a child. It may be domestic practicality. There is no such thing as selfless romantic love.”

Croydon, a former ITN journalist, writes for UK national newspapers and women’s magazines, is a popular columnist for The Erotic Review and has appeared as a relationships commentator on several TV and radio shows, including Channel 5’s The Vanessa Show.

She hit the headlines in March this year following the serialisation of Sugar Daddy Diaries, a confessional memoir about her year-long exploration of cash-allowance based relationships.

Uninspired by naïve and needy guys her own age, Croydon joined dating site sugardaddie.com to seek out an older and more confident lover.

She was thrust into a world filled with Prada shopping trips, fine dining, first-class travel and fascinating, powerful men who desired the company of younger women without the usual strings attached.

Croydon freely admits that she accepted gifts from her online dates and says that though initially concerned by the morality of such relationships, she quickly came to see them as more straightforward, honest and psychologically healthy than ‘conventional’ romances.

She told the interviewer for YouTube channel Joy TV: “In the sugar daddy type relationships that I had, the man is saying ‘I don’t have the time or emotional ability to invest in you but I still like you, and I still want to keep continuity with you, so to compensate for what I can’t give emotionally, I will give in material rewards’.

“People invest emotional capital into their partner. It’s things like being on the end of the phone in the middle of the night when something goes wrong, or giving up your Saturday. In the case of a transactional cash-for-sex relationship you replace emotional capital for money.

“There is nothing wrong with admitting that there is a pragmatic motivation behind our relationship. Relationship psychologists site evidence that in most relationships there are practical motivations that drive it.”

Croydon adds that relationships are “far less likely” to fail if partners identified the key benefits from the outset.

The claims look set to draw a sharp response from members of the public, both for and against.

Married Helen Baxter, a housewife from Greenwich, London, said Croydon’s comments were “a step too far”.

The mum-of-two, 34, added: “Like a lot of women, I am married with children. This doesn’t mean I’m out for what I can get from my husband, or vice versa – it’s about love, plain and simple.”

Young professional Jenny Williams, 25, however, supported Croydon. She said: “It’s about time someone had the nerve to say what most men and women are secretly thinking. Love is a fluffy term meant to hide the truth that we are, at heart, selfish. That’s no bad thing – it’s human nature.”

Sugar Daddy Diaries: When a Fantasy Became an Obsession

Kate Middleton: The Making Of A Duchess

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Few people manage to capture the publics attention, but it is fair to say that Catherine Middleton is huge right now. She’s bigger than a movie star, just as famous as Diana, she’s (arguably) more popular than her fiancee Prince William. If you google “Kate Middleton” you get 51,700,000 hits. If you google “Catherine Middleton” you get 8,600,000.

The tale of a commoner (okay, millionaires over privileged daughter) done good is a story usually only read in fairytale. Yet on the 29th Miss Middleton will walk down the aisle and marry into royalty. Yet to call her a millionaire’s daughter doesn’t really scratch the truth of the surface. Her mother was a flight attendant (snobbishly nicknamed “doors to manual” by Williams posh friends), it doesn’t take long to find coalminers in her family history. This is what makes her fresh. The royal family need her to make them relevant again. The Queen and Prince Philip are cousins, he of Greek royalty.

Catherine Elizabeth “Kate” Middleton was born on 9 January 1982, she grew up on Bucklebury, Berkshire. Her parents Carole and Michael. She is the eldest and has a sister, Phillipa, and a brother, James. She met Prince William in 2001 when they were both studying at the University of St Andrews. They lived together (and at one point were both seeing other people), they became a couple. There have been two break ups, including one in 2007 that lasted a few months. Kate stayed friends with William and the romance was rekindled. During the break up Kate went out a lot, always looking stunning, and mostly with Williams friends.

It seems naïve that when Kate started dating William she complained about harassment through her lawyer saying “she had done nothing significant to warrant such publicity.” She must have known that you cannot date royalty and come out unscathed. She has had Royal Protection officers since 2006. Kate has done more than her fair share of work on the relationship. She has learned how to shoot, joining a royal deerstalking party in Scotland in 2007, Kate and William had broken up that year and it was a make or break trip. They had broken up because Prince William felt he was too young to get married and because he was too close, and disclosed too much, to ex-girlfriends.

At the Concert for Diana they were just friends but after the shooting party she moved in with William at Clarence House. The home of the Prince of Wales, William’s father. When Kate’s parents were photographed on a stalking trip to Scotland three years later the press went into overdrive. Like Kate they were given shooting lessons. The shooting party was hosted by William and was at his father’s residence, Birkhall. The Middleton’s were all doing their best to fit in and have some royal fun. Kate has said of Prince Charles: “I was quite nervous about meeting William’s father, but he was very, very welcoming, very friendly. It couldn’t have gone easier for me.”

Kate will shortly become Princess or Duchess, she already has her own coat of arms and will be going to Canada for her first Royal tour after her honeymoon. She has come a long way after seeing Prince William playing hockey at her school, from becoming his house mate. She will become the first Queen to have a degree. She hasn’t had any career as such, working at Jigsaw as an accessory buyer and then for her parents. Always on call for William, working her life around his. And now she will become his Queen. Let’s wish her luck, she might need it.

Update: Kate has become Duchess of Cambridge and William Duke of Camdridge. Kate’s dress was designed by Sarah Burton of Alexander McQueen.

How To Know When Its The Right Time To Get Married.

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William_and_Kate_weddingWith royal wedding fever hitting an all time high there is a high number of women wondering if there boyfriend will pop the question. Kate waited by Prince Williams side for nearly a decade, earning herself the nickname ‘waity Katy’. It would seem that Kate, or Catherine as she now wants to be called, has had the last laugh. However, not all women want to get married, or remain undecided. While most men need quite a bit of a push in my experience. So, when is it the right time to make the commitment? What do you need to know first? Read the point below to find out if now is the right time to get married.

Are you in love?

There are many reasons why people think they should get married. Whether its peer pressure or because you have kids. Truth is, there is only one reason why you should get married: You’re in love. As long as you love someone it does not matter what life throws at you. They are the constant in your life. If you are unsure whether or not you’re in love; you’re not. If you are unsure if your boyfriend loves you, ask him or read this: How to tell if your boyfriend loves you

Are they your final emotional destination?

When you marry someone you are not just sharing your life, but also your soul and your DNA. You are forever joining together. Marriage is something to be taken seriously, do you really want to be with this person? It’s okay to have doubts, we all do. It is always possible that Angelina Jolie or George Clooney will want to marry you later, but the thing is; if you have found someone who loves you and you love them back you are blessed, people spend lifetimes trying to find the love of their lives. Don’t throw that away.

Are you just sliding into it?

Do you really want to get married or are you just sliding into it? Marriage is a mistake that’s hard to get out of unscathed – whether that be emotionally or financially. Being in a loveless marriage is something nobody should have to put up with. Don’t just get married because your mother is nagging you.

Do you just want a big day?

They say the most important day in a women’s life is her wedding day. I like to think this isn’t true, but it is still something women, and men!, buy into. After the dress, the presents and the honeymoon you will have to spend the rest of your life with this person. Not really worth one glamorous day.

Are you getting married because you (think) you are cracking on a bit?

Getting married because your nearly thirty isn’t a good enough reason. Although a women’s biological clock doesn’t work in her favour, marrying someone you don’t love – or worse, having a kid with someone you don’t love; a child ties you to that person forever- just because you feel pressure from society or your mother will never make you happy. Think of all the other thing you could do with your life; travel, focus on your career, study. There is a big world out there. You don’t need a husband (or wife) for that.

Do you know each other? Does the other person listen?

You have to know the person you are marrying. Can you communicate with them? Can you talk openly? If you tell your partner that something annoys you do they make the effort to change? If someone love you they will do anything they can to keep you around, they will care about your thoughts and feelings. You also have to accept the other person, good and bad.

And another thing…

 

Talk about finance, children, future goals together. It’s okay to be nervous, to be unsure, relationships are hard, but if you really love the person you are with, what are you waiting for?

The Wedding Survival Guide: How To Plan Your Big Day Without Losing Your Sanity is available in print, ebook and Kindle. The Kindle version is only £2.99.

 

 

Meet the Spencers: How to manage the in-laws on your (Royal) wedding day

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Meet the Spencers: How to manage the in-laws on your (Royal) wedding day

There are just nine days to go until HRH Prince William of Wales ties the knot with Catherine Middleton, and no doubt pre-wedding jitters have well and truly set in.

But while most couples concern themselves with button-holes and buffets in the run up to the wedding, Wills and Kate have bigger problems afoot. The in-laws.

As the silver is polished, and the flowers are arranged, the happy couple will no doubt be contemplating the one part of the day they can’t control: their relatives. Will Uncle Gary create a spectacle when he flies in from La Maison de Bang Bang? And what’s cousin Amelia planning for her biggest public appearance since that incident at McDonald’s Cape Town?

Luckily for Wills and Kate, thecoupleconnection.net – an online DIY relationship support service, which helps couples deal with issues ranging from in-laws to infidelity and offers free marriage preparation materials – is on hand with some top tips for reeling in the rellies on their big day.

1. You can say what you like about your own family, but tread carefully when it comes to your partner’s. If Uncle Gaz chats up one of the Spencer girls on the edge of the dance floor, you’d do well to blooming button it, Wills.

2. Think through your seating plan carefully. Do you really want Earl Spencer on a table full of single girls? Would Lady Kitty and Chelsy Davy collude to turn a state occasion into a raucous night at Mahiki? Consider who you’d rather keep apart.

3. Have autonomy over your day. Wills and Kate know that ensuring you make the final decisions gives pushy grandmas less room for manoeuvre. Instead give relatives specific tasks that will make them feel valued without allowing them to interfere in other areas.

4. If you’re going to invite the black sheep of the family, take the pressure of yourself and insist your partner invites at least one oddball from their side, too.

5. Introduce the in-laws beforehand. If you think one side might be frosty, arrange a pre-wedding outing that will help break down barriers. Wine tasting usually works.

If all this fails, stuff them all and just elope.

Fortunately for the Royal couple, 29 April is likely to run smoothly. William and Kate undertook marriage preparation in the months leading up to the wedding and have most likely already discussed how to deal with any family issues that might arise.

For those that don’t have the Archbishop of Canterbury on speed dial, it’s now possible to prepare for the big day by working through thecoupleconnection.net’s “making a commitment” articles, which help address issues that may arise throughout a marriage – all in a space and time convenient to them, and without the need to sign up for more formal marriage preparation classes.

MAKE THIS THE LAST MOTHER’S DAY THAT YOU ARE SINGLE

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Five tips for single parents looking to escape the parent trap

As a single parent you’re certainly not alone – in the UK there are more than 1.7million single parents. The majority would love to find someone new to support them and their children, but with childcare issues eating into time and energy resources, it can at times feel like it’s at the bottom of a never-ending to do list.

Single mum, TV actress and eHarmony.co.uk’s guest blogger, Donna Air voices the challenges she faces over finding a new partner when her child is naturally her number one priority:

“It’s simply too stressful a job when teamed with kids’ bath, dinner, homework, and bedtime stories into the hour allocation that most busy mums have for the multiple of tasks”.

But it needn’t be the hurdle it can at first seem. In Donna’s accounts of dating, she makes a point of dating when her child is at her ex partner’s house, or when she has some spare time to herself. For those with childcare and time constraints, dating online is the perfect way to ‘get back out there’ again and find someone new, and the best bit is that the initial, online stages of ‘dating’ can all be done when children are tucked up in bed. Make sure you research the top 10 dating sites to find the one that is right for you.

“Looking for someone who will love and respect you and your children can feel challenging but in reality it’s just about finding the person for you”, says Dr Gian Gonzaga, Senior Relationship Scientist at eHarmony.co.uk, the relationship success site. Dr Gonzaga continues, “in a recent poll of eHarmony.co.uk members, 85% said they were sensitive to a single parent’s position, so there’s no reason for not taking that first step.’ Here are five top tips from Fr. Gonzaga that every single and dating parent should follow:

1. Be honest from the beginning

It isn’t always easy to bring up the fact that you have children when considering going out with someone new. But your date deserves to know what to expect — perhaps you’ll only be available every other weekend or you can never be out past midnight due to your babysitter. Be upfront and you’ll avoid any surprises later on.

2. Only date someone who is sensitive to your situation

A potential partner who respects the fact that you’re a parent should understand and be sensitive to the responsibilities that you have to your children. Do they realize that even on a date you need to be accessible to your children? Does he or she understand that only you will know the right time to introduce them to your children? If the answer is no to any of these questions, they are probably not the right partner for you in the long-term.

3. Go slow

Unless you and your date are both certain you want to take the relationship in a more serious direction, don’t rush to introduce him or her to your kids. Having a new adult in their lives is a big deal. When you feel the time is right, keep the meeting low-key and brief, and do all you can to remove pressure from everyone. Your kids need as much time as you did to get to know someone new.

4. Be realistic

After introductions, be careful not to expect too much from your new relationship too soon. Someone who has never had kids will need plenty of time to develop their own relationship with your children. Equally if your partner has children or their own, it will take time for both sets of children to get used to being a part of a single family.

5. Practice being more than a parent

Yes, you are responsible for your children, and you must take that seriously. But being a parent is not solely all you are. You’re a single person looking for someone to share your life with. Get a babysitter, relax, and enjoy dating!

Dr Gonzaga concludes: “Don’t let being a parent stop you trying to find happiness. Just learn from your past relationship, have clear boundaries and be confident and you will find a true partner.”

Donna Air’s dating blog can be found at: http://moourl.com/donnadating.

Why are we entangled with the idea of a fairytale romance?

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eHarmony.co.uk’s relationship scientist Dr Gian Gonzaga says romance is a wonderful thing, but perhaps it’s time to forget fairytales and take destiny into our own hands.

Even the most cynical and ‘grown-up’ among us love a fairytale. Whether it’s Disney’s Tangled or Cinderella and her glass slipper, who hasn’t at some time dreamt of being whisked away on a white horse to a life of never-ending romance with an impossibly handsome prince or princess?

Dr Gian Gonzaga, world leading relationship scientist and Senior Research Director for eHarmony.co.uk believes a little imagination is healthy but finding the right partner also needs a dose of reality. He says: “Anyone who believes that finding or keeping a great relationship is a matter of luck or chance may be disappointed. Relationships can absolutely be filled with fairytale romance, but amazingly, a lot of people expect their Prince Charming to magically appear on their doorstep and rescue them. The reality is that taking a positive and active approach to finding love is the best way to find your own happy ending.”

Dr Gonzaga, author of new book ‘Dating the second time around, Finding love that lasts’, says people can fall into the trap of waiting for a new relationship to find them or believe that finding a compatible partner is outside of their control or ability. In his book, Dr Gonzaga touches on four tips that those of us who are looking for a fairytale romance should bear in mind.

Find your own version of the Handsome Prince

You may have a vision of the handsome prince or princess you want to meet, what they do for a living, where they live, and how old they are—but it’s time to put away the tired old checklist you’ve created over the years and approach finding a life-long partner with fresh eyes. Of course you have to feel chemistry with your partner, but perfection comes in all guises. It’s worth keeping in mind what’s going to make you happy not just now but in twenty years’ time. (Tip – it’s probably not a washboard stomach).

Control your own destiny

To find a relationship and make it work, you need to take control over the process by searching for the right type of partner, and acting to ensure the quality of this relationship. Lots of people expect Prince Charming to appear from nowhere, and they think that whether it works out or not will be down to fate or the cosmos or astrological compatibility rather than anything they might do or not do. Those who believe they can control whether a relationship works or not will ultimately be happier. Psychologists call this “locus of control.” Some people have an external locus of control, which means they don’t think they have the power to change things.

Others have an internal locus of control, which means that they believe they can change their situation with some effort. Those who have an internal locus of control more often try to make things better rather than passively accepting their fate, and that alone makes a big difference.

Don’t hurry love

We’ve all grown up on Hollywood’s romantic movies with speedy courtships and happy endings and it’s easy to think that real-life romance should happen quickly and easily.

As the old saying goes, only fools rush in. Too much too soon can scare a very suitable partner or cause problems in the longer term. Allow time for authentic feelings to develop before you say ‘I love you’, and consider that everyone has his or her own emotional clock.

Inject some romance into daily life

When you’re in a relationship with your own Prince Charming it’s important to keep the fires burning, even years down the line when romance can sometimes take a backseat. But how do you keep that exciting ‘butterflies’ feeling? The simple answer is by making time for your partner and making them feel special.

The Obama’s famously have their ‘date night’ but how about setting up a monthly ‘romantic surprise’ – put aside say £50 to take each other out for a romantic dinner or to a concert. And don’t forget to praise your partner’s achievements and compliment them as often as you can, in a genuine way. The couples that look out for each other stay happy together. You can have your ‘happy ever after’ but like Cinderella you’ll have to put some work in.

To read more about how to find realistic and lasting love read Dr Gian Gonzaga’s new book – Dating the second time around, Finding love that lasts. (Octopus, £6.99), available from all good bookshops.