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Write Your Own Dating Rules by Jenni Trent-Hughes, the relationship expert

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relationshipsJenni Trent-Hughes, the relationship expert from eHarmony tells Frost Magazine readers to rip up the rule book.

Eighteen years ago the dating world was introduced to a book called ‘The Rules’ that we were meant to follow in order to guarantee a perfect love life. In those days, before online dating there were rules like: Don’t ask a man on a date! Don’t ask him to dance first! Don’t call him first! Don’t accept a date for Saturday if he asks you after Wednesday!

If you’ve found that ‘’not accepting a date for Saturday if they asked you after Wednesday’ worked for you, then I’m not going to tell you any different.  However as you’re here reading this in 2013, I suspect that you have realised that there is no magic secret; but I’m glad to say there is one tip that will help to bring you success or at the very least, remove some of the obstacles you may have stumbled over in the past.

Rules are like walls and sometimes walls need to be demolished to let the light in. Step outside your comfort zone and see what happens – be the dater you want to be not the one you’ve been told to be.

My one tip is this: Write your own rules! No one knows you better than you know yourself. You know what you’re capable of. You know what your parameters are. What you will be brave enough to do and what is going to be totally against your character, and you know what feels right.

I’m not going to tell you what not to do! You can figure that out yourself. I’ll just remind you of some things to do to help increase your chances of success when dating online.

1.    Reach out: If you see a profile that you like the look or sound of then make contact. There is no point spending weeks peeking at each other through cyberspace – say hello.

2.    Step outside your regular boundaries: Online dating is a golden opportunity to interact with people you might not originally have considered. Remember the first time against your better judgement you chose coconut ice cream and now it’s your favourite? That person who is a little older, a bit younger, that you’re attracted to but doesn’t match up to your usual ‘type’. That might just be The One.

3.    If you want to ask them out – just do it: Man or woman, we are in the 21st Century and we can do things that are new without the roof caving in. Traditionally men might have been the first to initiate a date, however things have evolved and it’s flattering to be asked out whatever your sex.

4. Be honest: Be yourself. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Forget mind games, just be yourself and eventually you will find someone who is exactly the person you are looking for and you to them.

5. Learn to let go: We all have baggage, but when it comes to dating try and leave any hang ups at the door. Negative experiences in the past can affect the way you approach a new relationship, and although it’s good to be cautious, it’s also good to go in with a fresh new slate. Have fun and let your true self be at the forefront.

Endearing Eccentricity or Annoying Habit: The best bits and worst bits about our other halves

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jennifer garner and ben affleck 

Wouldn’t it be nice if your partner was an ideal package with every bit about them just perfect? Nice yes, but it wouldn’t be much fun, because life isn’t perfect and sometimes it’s the quirks and idiosyncrasies that make us who we are. So eHarmony.co.uk has set about finding out what are couples’ niggling little habits and endearing special quirks by asking over 2000 married Brits to disclose the best and worst bits about living with their other half. Here’s what they say:

Results from men

Loves   Annoyances  
They put up with my moods 42% They take too long getting ready 28%
They are affectionate when we are alone and in public 21% They are a back seat driver 21%
They’re always interested in my day 17% They worry too much about money 16%

 

Results from women

Loves   Annoyances  
They make me laugh 38% They can never find anything 30%
They’re happy to do household chores 29% They are messy 20%
They listen to me when I rant 21% They control the TV remote 18%

 

So women take too long to get ready and men can never find anything, but women put up with their husband’s moods and men make women laugh. Men are messy and women are back seat drivers, men are happy to do household chores and women take interest in their partner’s day. And maybe men do control the TV remote and women do worry too much about money but hey, men listen to their ranting wives and women are just plain affectionate.

Relationship advice expert for eHarmony Jenni Trent Hughes comments on the survey and says:

“It is really interesting to see the difference between genders when it comes to the things they love and what annoys them about their partner. The little niggles tend to come out further into the relationship, however it’s when a couple is truly compatibly that they find a balance between the good and the bad habits. It is really important to communicate with one another when a niggle becomes more testing, to try and find a common ground and agree, this will help eliminate future arguments over the little things and leave more time for the things they love about one another .”

Get a Gold Medal Relationship by Jenni Trent Hughes

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GET A GOLD MEDAL RELATIONSHIP

by Jenni Trent Hughes, relationship expert for eharmony.co.uk

How an athlete prepares for podium success can teach us a lot about how we can strive to find a good relationship, enjoy the experience and deal with any knock-backs along the way. So, with the world’s finest athletes about to take centre stage in London, eHarmony®, the online matchmaker, applies the key traits of sports psychology to help singles achieve dating success.

“There are certain characteristics that athletes share and these are all values and beliefs that can help us not only in relationships but across all elements of our daily life.” Jenni Trent Hughes, relationship expert, eHarmony.co.uk. So whether you’re a novice dater or a relationship pro, put Jenni’s four gold medal winning traits in to action:

1) Confidence – when athletes feel confident, they are more readily able to turn sporting potential into superior performance. If someone like Usain Bolt walks into the stadium feeling threatened by his competitors or imagining all the possible things that might go wrong even he will be unlikely to end up on the podium. Many of us go into relationships holding up the possible negatives, dragging in past disappointments, and then walking straight into the result we’ve expected.

· Relationship tip: Raise your expectations: Winners are winners even before they first win. Date with confidence in yourself and allow future partners a fresh slate when entering a relationship.

2) Stamina – is an essential quality for a championship sportsman or woman, especially in events like the marathon or swimming where you really need to go the distance. Using your energy wisely means you will have enough of it in reserve when you need that little bit extra to achieve success. It’s the same in a relationship. If you’re aiming for a long run you should be prepared to go the distance to gain the best of the rewards.

· Relationship tip: Spend your emotional energy wisely. Avoid unnecessary drama, make love not war – avoid emotionally engaging in trivial matters, and save your energy for bigger matters that truly count.

3) Control – the difference between those that make it to the big league and those that don’t is the unwavering belief that they deserve to be there. They believe they are in command of the situation and have the necessary skills to achieve their desired result.

· Relationship tip: You are in control of you. Don’t fret and worry about what the other person is doing, thinking or saying – you can’t control that. Concentrate on your own behaviour and be responsible for it. Behave in a way that you feel will produce the best results.

4) Perseverance – unexpected stumbling blocks are inevitable for athletes, singles and couples alike. How you react in the face of adversity is often what determines the height your career reaches and it is the same in relationships. Michael Jordan famously said: “I have failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.” Be it a sports injury, performance slump or any of the hitches that a relationship may experience, positive thinking techniques aid recovery, keep your attitude on track and keep on the road to the relationship medal podium.

· Relationship tip: Don’t throw in the towel. If you’ve done your homework in advance then ensure you work together to resolve any conflict. You’re a team after all.

“Remember, you deserve to succeed, and while you may not be able to win gold for the 100 metre race you can certainly be a winner in the dating race!” Jenni Trent Hughes, relationship expert, eHarmony.co.uk

How Dating has Changed Since The 1950s

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HOW HAS DATING CHANGED SINCE PRINCESS ELIZABETH FIRST “STEPPED OUT” WITH HER DASHING PHILIP?

Relationship site eHarmony tells Frost Magazine about the similarities and differences between dating in the 1950s and the 2010s

 

In less than a week’s time Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip will stand side by side as the nation celebrates her sixty year reign. But how did the young Princess know when she first met her dashing Duke that he was to be her life partner? Were the customs of courtship in the 1940s and 1950s more successful in bringing lifelong couples together? To celebrate this Diamond Jubilee, relationship site eHarmony reviews how young couples met and dated sixty years ago and compares the advice given then, to our contemporary words of wisdom. And which makes more sense? You decide.

 

Dating in the 1950s

Dating in the 2010s
Men did the asking

It was always the man who proposed a date. It was not polite or acceptable for women to suggest an evening out together. With no answer machines or text messages in existence women would have to wait for a knock at the door or a telephone call. Men frequently ask

Whilst it’s still traditional for a man to ask, today women can and often do ask men on dates. For online daters many first dates are organised through email, text and by phone, this allows us all to have a bit more courage to ask .A date was a date

In the 40s and 50s, there was no confusion about what a date meant to either party. It was rare for men and women to be just friends. So if a man called a woman and asked her to dinner, he certainly had romance on his mind. Is this a date?

Men and women are now often friends, and can stay friends without any romantic involvement, even once a relationship comes to an end.  So inviting someone to a pub or restaurant or accepting such invitation is no longer a certain hint at romantic intentions. Timing was everything

Notice was absolutely necessary for a date in polite society. At least two or three days’ notice was required for a lady’s diary and times to collect and return your young lady were critical. Competing for time

Modern daters are busy with their lives, and if they’re not around when the phone rings, it is acceptable to call back when convenient or to arrange a second date through a text or email. Respond immediately to your date invitation

If a lady was lucky enough to be asked out, it was her duty to respond immediately and of course with absolute politeness. Appearing too keen

Modern day dating seems to be more like a power battle. If a man asks, a woman cannot appear too keen. And yet, respond late and she risks appearing disinterested, particularly if the dater is communicating with other online matches. Always be on time

There’s no such thing as fashionably late; ladies must be ready when their date arrived. Always be on time

Today it is still considered rude to keep your date waiting for any longer than 5 minutes. Particularly if you are meeting in a public place (see below). Collecting your date

When date night arrived, the man would always organise the transportation. He would come to the door to greet his date before taking her to their venue and he always brought her safely home to her family. Meeting in public is a good idea

Unlike the traditional custom of collecting and being collected, today it is more common to make your own way to the first date and is sensible to meet in a public place. This takes away any fear and ensures safety until you get to know your date a little more. Introducing your date to your parents on a first date

When a man collected his young lady, it was customary for her to introduce him to her parents who would want to approve that he was suitable for their daughter. Introducing your date to family and friends means it’s serious

For many modern day daters, busy with work, life and possibly kids, introducing a partner to parents or family is more likely to happen once the dating phase is close or into the ‘relationship’ phase. Men always ordered

When dining out, the young lady should always tell her male friend what she would like before he orders for her.I know what I want

Today, it is unheard of to expect your date to order for you. Women know what they want and will ask for it.Men always paid

When the bill arrived, the man would always pay. It was unthinkable for a woman to offer any money.The payment dilemma

Many men still feel that they should pick up the bill, but paying is a tricky issue. Sometimes women are insulted at the implication they can’t take care of themselves. For some men, traditional notions are outdated. It is polite to always offer to “Go Dutch” but to accept if the other party then insists that he or she should pay.

 

 

Jenni Trent Hughes, Relationship Expert for eHarmony believes the dating process holds a mirror to the society of the time. She says: “In the 40s and 50s, the family unit was strong and often men and women in their twenties were still living at home with their families. Communities were close and approval was of paramount importance. Politeness and reference was a critical part of the dating process. Today our society is more fractured. We move away from home for work or college and both men and women are juggling busy lives and demands on their time. We meet more as equals and must make our own decisions. It’s fast paced and exciting but not without its etiquette protocols entirely.”

 

For more information on how to make the most of the dating experience, check out eHarmony’s Dating Advice site at: http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/dating

 

How to Have a Successful Date

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What Makes A Successful Date?

eHarmony.co.uk reveals the Great Date Indicators (GDI) that switch us “on” and “off” to a potential mate

Based on communication habits of thousands of British singles, relationship site eHarmony releases six key indicators that can increase your dating potential.

Laughing at certain jokes, having a passion for vegetarian food or playing the guitar may sound harmless enough but according to analysis of millions of connections on relationship site eHarmony®, certain hobbies and habits definitely affect a single’s potential with the opposite sex.

Whilst studying how compatible singles connect and communicate on eHarmony.co.uk, computational scientists have found a series of indicators that impact attraction and connection online. Although two people can be incredibly compatible, the Great Date Indicators (GDI), as eHarmony scientists call them, provide an additional layer to determine whether two people will click when they meet in person. They reveal that:


1. We don’t like people with the same sense of humour

Far from seeking out someone with the same sense of humour as ourselves, the GDI show that online, we will often choose to connect with people who have a very different sense of humour to our own. For example, men with dark or political humour are often attracted to women with slapstick, wisecracking humour.

2. Traditional gender types have a big part to play in our attraction to a partner

Even though we live in an open and liberated society, men and women who conform to gender stereotypes receive more interest online. For example, fewer women communicate with men who enjoy feminine pursuits (like shopping) whilst fewer men communicate with women who seem to be in a position of authority. Also, men care less about the income potential of a woman only if she earns less than they do.

3. Spending habits influence the dating potential for women online

How much a woman spends or saves may impact her dating potential online. Women who spend freely view many profiles but do not communicate often. eHarmony scientists term this the “window shopping effect”. More men will talk to a woman who saves, whilst fewer men will talk to a woman who says she spends freely. The exception is that men who spend freely will talk to women who spend freely – surely a recipe for an empty joint bank account.

4. The universal appeal of yoga

Stretching and bending is THE most popular form of exercise in terms of appeal to the opposite sex whether you’re a man or a woman. Regardless of gender, men and women who mention yoga in their profiles receive significantly more communication than those who don’t.


5. We all want active partners – even if we’re a couch potato

Most people search out and connect with people who have active lifestyles. It is very appealing to the opposite sex. Be warned if you sit in front of the TV. Couch potatoes are universally unappealing, even to other couch potatoes.


6. A varied palate is appealing to the opposite sex

A varied diet and openness to try new foods is appealing to the opposite sex but a McDonalds habit could seriously damage your dating potential. Enjoying fast food is a big turn off to other singles, even if they’re fast food eaters themselves. And being a vegetarian is definitely a big attraction for other vegetarians online.

As part of the patented scientific match making process, eHarmony members complete a relationship questionnaire where they are asked to record their passions, interests, likes and dislikes. Since its launch in the UK, eHarmony has been building a comprehensive picture of the personalities and habits of the two million singles who have completed the questionnaire. Then using Compatibility Matching System® quantitative analysis models, eHarmony’s computational science team search for trends in how members decipher the profiles of matches and connect with them online.

Joseph Essas, Chief Technology Officer at eHarmony says:

Meeting singles you’re going to have chemistry with is what makes dating exciting, and even more importantly, worth investing time and energy in. In any given day there are millions of communications taking place on eHarmony. By analysing all of these interactions we’re able to learn what behaviours and hobbies can make sparks fly between our singles and provide them with matches that are even more tailored for them.

SPRUCE UP YOUR DATING PROFILE

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Almost six million Brits are now dating online[1] but with so many people and so many profiles in the digisphere, it pays to be creative. Standing out from the virtual crowd has never been more important if you are hoping to meet a long term partner online.

“Whether you have signed up for the first time or have been online dating for several months, never under-estimate the power of your dating profile,” says Dr Gian Gonzaga, world-renowned expert in the field of compatibility and relationships for eHarmony®.

“Your online profile is a virtual window into your life, your passions, your goals and accomplishments. There’s no set formula for a ‘great profile’ as everyone’s different, but every profile should be positive and lively. Like a CV, it should show off your best points, but instead of a dry list of achievements it should be conversational in tone and full of personality.”

So, if you’re thinking of starting on the online dating journey, follow Dr Gonzaga’s ten tips to ensuring your profile gets you a first date, and lots more:

1. RELAX AND TURN OFF DISTRACTIONS

The first step is to get comfortable and relaxed and have a bit of distance from noise and distractions so you can concentrate on thinking about all your positives. Sit down on the sofa, put some music on, and start jotting down some thoughts about what makes you unique on paper, or the computer.

2. DO YOUR RESEARCH

What better way to research than reading other people’s profiles and looking at what you like about them, and what you don’t. Make sure your profile isn’t the same as others’ though. You’re unique.

3. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS SAY ABOUT YOU?

Everyone finds it difficult writing about themselves. It’s often easier to write about other people; so ask your close friends to describe your best qualities. Your friends can reveal a lot about your character that you may never spot.

4. STAY POSITIVE!

Avoid negative tones and always be positive about yourself. Your profile is essentially your dating CV. You wouldn’t want a future employer to read anything negative on your CV, so why would you want a potential partner to read anything that isn’t positive?

5. ADOPT A WRITER’S STYLE

Many people find poor grammar and spelling a turn off, and the best of us can make mistakes, so be careful on this point. Always write in full sentences, don’t abbreviate or use text speak. Then read your profile aloud, or ask a friend to double check it. Then put it into Word and use your computer spell check for final peace of mind.

6. UPDATE YOUR PHOTOS

Pictures are an essential part of your profile so use them to full effect. These are a few good examples:

– The Full Face Close Up: Great light, no sunglasses. You’re simply smiling!

– The Full Body: Ideally standing outside.

– The Waist Up: Sitting down and smiling.

– Your Passion: Doing something you really love – snowboarding, sailing etc.

– Your Favourite Place: Local park, the beach or garden, it’s a great conversation starter.

7. BE SPECIFIC

When you’re writing about what sums you up as a person, talk in specifics to give a full flavour of who you are. If you love travelling, say where your favourite place is and why. Anything concrete like this brings you alive to anyone reading, and improves your chances of there being some connecting points.

8. HAVE FUN!

Most people want to find someone who can make them laugh, so show people you have a sense of humour. If you can make someone laugh or someone can make you laugh, it’s a great icebreaker and could get your conversation off to a great start.

9. TWEAK AS YOU GO

Be prepared to tweak the profile as you go along, you can always come back to it and change it if you feel you didn’t quite get it right the first time. Add in your current achievements or hobbies, so if you’ve just started a photography course, then add that to your profile.

10. PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES

And finally, think about what you would think if you read your own profile. Are you interested in you? If you feel curious then you are off to a flying start.

eHarmony.co.uk helps its users to meet compatible matches through its patented Compatibility Matching System using data from its detailed Relationship Questionnaire. Unlike other dating sites, eHarmony.co.uk uses the results of the Relationship Questionnaire to match you with others who share similar characteristics, attitudes and beliefs – proven indicators of long term relationship success.

The site also provides its users with a free and in-depth Personality Profile which offers insights into who you are and how others perceive you – as well as what your needs are in a partner. Your profile, in and of itself, can be a valuable dating tool to you in your quest to find true love that lasts. The more you know about yourself, the more you will know what you need from a potential life-partner.

Can “Friends With Benefits” really be the start of something beautiful?

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Can “Friends With Benefits” really be the start of something beautiful?

In the eponymous Hollywood film, Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake are FWB, ‘friends with benefits’ – they like each other, they definitely fancy each other, but they’re just not ready for a romantic relationship. But off screen, can two people really have a non-committed relationship without one person getting hurt?

According to relationship scientists from eHarmony.co.uk, studies show that people who choose to become ‘friends with benefits’ are not ready for a committed long-term relationship and find that sticking with this type of casual set-up works better for them than moving it on.

This is particularly true of men. A new study (2011)[1] found that men were more likely to desire casual sex without the need for a monogamous relationship whilst women were more likely to crave a deeper emotional connection, hoping for it to develop into a full blown relationship. So, if casual fling evolves into committed relationship, how likely is it to be a happy one?

A study by Paik (2010)[2] investigated how different sexual encounters could predict relationship satisfaction. By surveying married or cohabiting couples, Paik found that relationships that began as sexual encounters, such as casual dating or non-romantic (friends with benefits), were significantly less satisfied with their relationship than couples whose first sexual encounter was in a serious committed relationship.

So relationship science says “be warned”. Whilst an intimate encounter with an old buddy may seem like a good idea at the time – and makes a great Hollywood script – in reality there could be tears later on.

Can The Biological Clock Cloud Your Relationship Judgement?

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Bombarded by fertility facts and figures, women are increasingly obsessed with the ‘tick-tock’ of their biological clock, with the desire to find ‘Mr Happy Ever After ‘feeling all-consuming.

“Trying to find the perfect partner, who meets all of your ideas, can lead you to missing out on prospects who would make a very good partner,” says Dr Gian Gonzaga, relationship scientist at eHarmony.co.uk. “Conversely, settling for someone who doesn’t even have all the things you need in a partner, just to start a family, can lead to a very unhappy marriage.”

According to Dr Gonzaga, who studies thousands of singles and couples at the eHarmony Labs in California, much of the energy going in to finding ‘Mr or Mrs Happy Ever After’ is being channelled in the wrong direction, leading those who crave to settle down and build a family never managing to meet the right person to share their life.

Dr Gonzaga’s research has resulted in five key learnings that singles can apply to ensure that they meet the right person to build a life and family:

· Be careful who you look for. A serious partner needs to share your values, and life plans. It’s important for both men and women to avoid the types of people who seem to have a roving eye, who prioritise a lot else in their life before you, or who seem to be heading in a totally different direction to you. It’s best to avoid even dating people who aren’t remotely ready or able to commit if you’re thinking seriously about marriage and babies in the near future.

· As well as a ticking clock, chemistry can also cloud your judgement. There’s no denying chemistry is an important factor in deciding on a potential mate. After all we have to be attracted to someone to want to have their children, but try to look beyond that initial ‘zing’ and ascertain whether you share the same long term values in life. Looks don’t last – but shared interest and values make for a solid potential partnership.

· If you’re single and already on the dating scene, it helps to become a savvy dater and learn how to recognise the signs of a relationship that is casual, or not likely to lead to anything serious. You need to be in a relationship where both parties are investing equal amounts of time and energy, as this is when it could be time to commit to a relationship that could be the start of something serious.

· When dating a new person, or considering dating them, think carefully about your compatibility and make sure you know whether they share the same ‘must-haves ‘ when it comes to children as you. For example, does this person really want children in the future? Do you have a similar outlook on how a child will fit into your lives? Having a similar attitude to child-rearing is one of the most fundamental areas of compatibility.

· Finally, take a step back and relax. Young people, particularly women, often put pressure on themselves to meet certain deadlines in life – for example, marriage at 30, or babies by 32. These timelines are often only imposed by society, or peer pressure, and are not worth being restricted by, as it’s impossible to control every factor in life and the best things can happen at the most unexpected times.