Tag Archives: Jenni Trent Hughes

Write Your Own Dating Rules by Jenni Trent-Hughes, the relationship expert

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relationshipsJenni Trent-Hughes, the relationship expert from eHarmony tells Frost Magazine readers to rip up the rule book.

Eighteen years ago the dating world was introduced to a book called ‘The Rules’ that we were meant to follow in order to guarantee a perfect love life. In those days, before online dating there were rules like: Don’t ask a man on a date! Don’t ask him to dance first! Don’t call him first! Don’t accept a date for Saturday if he asks you after Wednesday!

If you’ve found that ‘’not accepting a date for Saturday if they asked you after Wednesday’ worked for you, then I’m not going to tell you any different.  However as you’re here reading this in 2013, I suspect that you have realised that there is no magic secret; but I’m glad to say there is one tip that will help to bring you success or at the very least, remove some of the obstacles you may have stumbled over in the past.

Rules are like walls and sometimes walls need to be demolished to let the light in. Step outside your comfort zone and see what happens – be the dater you want to be not the one you’ve been told to be.

My one tip is this: Write your own rules! No one knows you better than you know yourself. You know what you’re capable of. You know what your parameters are. What you will be brave enough to do and what is going to be totally against your character, and you know what feels right.

I’m not going to tell you what not to do! You can figure that out yourself. I’ll just remind you of some things to do to help increase your chances of success when dating online.

1.    Reach out: If you see a profile that you like the look or sound of then make contact. There is no point spending weeks peeking at each other through cyberspace – say hello.

2.    Step outside your regular boundaries: Online dating is a golden opportunity to interact with people you might not originally have considered. Remember the first time against your better judgement you chose coconut ice cream and now it’s your favourite? That person who is a little older, a bit younger, that you’re attracted to but doesn’t match up to your usual ‘type’. That might just be The One.

3.    If you want to ask them out – just do it: Man or woman, we are in the 21st Century and we can do things that are new without the roof caving in. Traditionally men might have been the first to initiate a date, however things have evolved and it’s flattering to be asked out whatever your sex.

4. Be honest: Be yourself. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Forget mind games, just be yourself and eventually you will find someone who is exactly the person you are looking for and you to them.

5. Learn to let go: We all have baggage, but when it comes to dating try and leave any hang ups at the door. Negative experiences in the past can affect the way you approach a new relationship, and although it’s good to be cautious, it’s also good to go in with a fresh new slate. Have fun and let your true self be at the forefront.

Endearing Eccentricity or Annoying Habit: The best bits and worst bits about our other halves

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jennifer garner and ben affleck 

Wouldn’t it be nice if your partner was an ideal package with every bit about them just perfect? Nice yes, but it wouldn’t be much fun, because life isn’t perfect and sometimes it’s the quirks and idiosyncrasies that make us who we are. So eHarmony.co.uk has set about finding out what are couples’ niggling little habits and endearing special quirks by asking over 2000 married Brits to disclose the best and worst bits about living with their other half. Here’s what they say:

Results from men

Loves   Annoyances  
They put up with my moods 42% They take too long getting ready 28%
They are affectionate when we are alone and in public 21% They are a back seat driver 21%
They’re always interested in my day 17% They worry too much about money 16%

 

Results from women

Loves   Annoyances  
They make me laugh 38% They can never find anything 30%
They’re happy to do household chores 29% They are messy 20%
They listen to me when I rant 21% They control the TV remote 18%

 

So women take too long to get ready and men can never find anything, but women put up with their husband’s moods and men make women laugh. Men are messy and women are back seat drivers, men are happy to do household chores and women take interest in their partner’s day. And maybe men do control the TV remote and women do worry too much about money but hey, men listen to their ranting wives and women are just plain affectionate.

Relationship advice expert for eHarmony Jenni Trent Hughes comments on the survey and says:

“It is really interesting to see the difference between genders when it comes to the things they love and what annoys them about their partner. The little niggles tend to come out further into the relationship, however it’s when a couple is truly compatibly that they find a balance between the good and the bad habits. It is really important to communicate with one another when a niggle becomes more testing, to try and find a common ground and agree, this will help eliminate future arguments over the little things and leave more time for the things they love about one another .”

5 Tips for getting a New Year Date

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5 Tips for getting a New Year Date by eHarmony.co.uk’s relationship expert, Jenni Trent Hughes

 

Whew! You’ve successfully navigated your way through the Christmas office parties and endless array of pre and post Christmas gatherings with your dignity intact. Now we must face the next social hurdle – the dreaded ‘New Year No Date’ scenario. We are told this is the most important date night of all, the one in which we must have a kiss on the stroke of midnight to welcome in 2013 or….. Luckily we have plenty of time to take action to avoid a kiss less end to 2012. Here eharmony.co.uk provides five great tips to help you on your way.

 

Have you made plans yet for your New Year’s Eve? Will you be heading to your local pub with friends? Or maybe you’re going to a big party, glitz, glamour and all? Whatever you’re doing, if you’re single you might be wondering if you’ll be getting a kiss at midnight. Now is not the time for procrastination – if you’re set on getting a New Year’s date, it’s time to take action! Here are some tried and tested tips that should help you welcome the New Year with someone on your arm:

 

1.    Become the person you’d want to date

The post-Christmas blues can leave you feeling deflated, dejected and just not in the right frame of mind for dating. But if your goal is to get a date for that New Year’s bash, then it’s time to give yourself a kick up the behind. Pick out a great outfit, have your hair done or simply draw up your New Year’s resolutions to get yourself energised about the year ahead. If you’re feeling really ambitious make concrete plans to do try something new in the coming months such as booking yourself on a climbing course, or planning a holiday to somewhere you’ve never been. By heading to that party with a spring in your step and an air of confidence you’ll hugely increase your chances of getting a kiss at midnight.

 

2.    Get online – or get better online

You might need to get a move on with this, but dating online unlocks a whole world of potential partners – and New Year dates!

 

If you’ve already got an online dating profile, it might be time to refresh it a little. Take a look at the photos you’ve uploaded and what you’ve written, asking yourself these questions:

 

•    Are my photos varied, and do I look happy and relaxed in them?

•    Do I sound happy and positive?

•    Do I convey the kind of person I’m truly looking for?

•    Is this the best possible representation of me?

•    Does my profile stand out from the crowd?

 

3.    Get set up

Your friendship network is a powerful tool for meeting new people. Perhaps the old theory about there just being six degrees of separation in the world isn’t necessarily true, but your friends know people, who know people. This is no time to be shy – put yourself out there, and ask if they know any suitable singles. They might know someone looking for a New Year date too. One caveat, meet them first, just to make sure you can stand them for more than 5 minutes!

 

4.    Throw your own party

As long as you’ve got the space (and perhaps lots of coasters) why not throw your own party? Open up your doors, and ensure that friends are actively encouraged to bring along people they know (who are hopefully also single). The thing about being single is that you have to grab every opportunity to meet new people, expand your network and hopefully line up dates. Sitting on your sofa hoping the dates will come to you just won’t cut it.

 

 

5.    Go it alone

Feeling brave? In a mood to grasp 2013 with both hands? Start the year as you mean to go on and go to an organised New Year event alone. There are hundreds of events across the UK especially for single people to celebrate the New Year, and it certainly is a great way to meet a ton of new people very quickly. Going alone will be daunting  but it will force you to speak to new people and hopefully meet someone new. And if you’ve not feeling quite so brave you can always take a friend, but just remember the point of the evening is to meet new people, not to chat to your friend in a corner!

 

Whichever of these options you choose keep one thing in mind – 2013 is about YOU and working on making your life the life that you really want to live. Design your New Year’s celebration to reflect your hopes and positive attitudes for 2013. If it feels good then do it. Start the year in the way you mean to continue, onward and upward!

Why men aren’t like frogs, and dating isn’t a numbers game

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By Jenni Trent Hughes. Relationship Expert at eHarmony.co.uk

 

 

There are so many myths out there about love and dating that when I talk to both singles and couples, I’m always amazed by the power these old sayings wield over us. A phrase that’s been passed on by a parent or trusted friend is often taken as gospel. And the one such myth I hear trotted out the most is that you have to kiss a rather depressing amount of frogs before you find a prince.

 

We’re certainly lucky to live in a world full of options. From takeaway coffee to sandwiches or TV channels, we’re so spoilt for choice it’s easy to think quantity is a good thing when it comes to dating too. That there’s a cornucopia of men out there, and if we dine out with enough of them we’ll hit upon that perfect needle in the haystack.

 

But as Plato very wisely said: “a good decision is based on knowledge, not on numbers”. If we know a bit about what we’re looking for then we won’t waste lots of time and energy on those so-called frogs. Here are my thoughts on dating myths I think are at best a bit silly and at worse damaging to our self-esteem and chance of finding real love:

 

“You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince”. The majority of women I meet with that attitude tend to wander the streets aimlessly kissing a heck of a lot of undesirables.  In many instances their frogs turn into lizards but almost never a prince. A prince is born a prince; he is not born a frog. So make sure you kiss princes with potential, not frogs, and if a frog should come along disguised as a prince, then learn from the experience ready for the next time.

 

“Dating is just a numbers game…”

Numbers games rely on chance. Would that then mean that finding love should be compared to roulette or poker? I think we can agree that all of those are tremendously risky activities over which you have and little control over the outcome. The idea that the more people you date the more chance you have in succeeding is misleading; laying a few pounds on which horse wins a race won’t make too much difference in your life if it goes wrong. However an overly cavalier attitude towards dating will provide less than stellar results. It’s about quality not quantity; dates with people that you have instant chemistry with, not endless dates with people because you ‘might as well’.  While it shouldn’t be approached with the precision of a military campaign it deserves more respect and attention than thinking of it as a game or a gamble.

 

“There are plenty more fish in the sea.”

We’ve most likely all heard this one before, delivered as good news from well-meaning friends when we’re emerging from a break-up or trying to get over someone. Though meant as a positive, it does seem to suggest that there are so many people out there that it’s easy to move swiftly on to the next ‘fish’. In fact, break ups or disappointments take time to get over, so don’t let yourself be rushed. Reflect on what’s best for you, and what you can learn from your relationship. Then, when the time comes to return to the dating scene, you’ll be able to use this knowledge to your advantage.

 

“Men are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken and the others already have ‘Mother & Child’ painted on them” Absolute nonsense. This sort of self-defeatist attitude means that you are crying over the end of the movie before you’ve even bought your ticket. There are just as many wonderful available men out there as there are women. You just need to know where to look and probably even more importantly how to look.

 

“I can’t go on any more bad dates. I would rather be home alone than out with some guy who sells socks on the internet” Never give up. Your next date might turn out be your last ‘date’ because he might be The One. Don’t stop dating, just start dating differently. Don’t go out on any old date just because you’ve been asked. Accept or initiate dates only when you genuinely believe there is an opportunity for an enjoyable time. If you think there is little or no chance that you will have a good date then don’t go in the first place, what’s the point? Find the middle ground where you’re giving a person a chance just be sure they’re worth it in the first place.

 

We should never stop sharing beliefs and thoughts with our friends as we help them along that road, but let’s just make sure these are helpful and positive pearls of wisdom that will keep us enthused and optimistic on that journey.

Get a Gold Medal Relationship by Jenni Trent Hughes

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GET A GOLD MEDAL RELATIONSHIP

by Jenni Trent Hughes, relationship expert for eharmony.co.uk

How an athlete prepares for podium success can teach us a lot about how we can strive to find a good relationship, enjoy the experience and deal with any knock-backs along the way. So, with the world’s finest athletes about to take centre stage in London, eHarmony®, the online matchmaker, applies the key traits of sports psychology to help singles achieve dating success.

“There are certain characteristics that athletes share and these are all values and beliefs that can help us not only in relationships but across all elements of our daily life.” Jenni Trent Hughes, relationship expert, eHarmony.co.uk. So whether you’re a novice dater or a relationship pro, put Jenni’s four gold medal winning traits in to action:

1) Confidence – when athletes feel confident, they are more readily able to turn sporting potential into superior performance. If someone like Usain Bolt walks into the stadium feeling threatened by his competitors or imagining all the possible things that might go wrong even he will be unlikely to end up on the podium. Many of us go into relationships holding up the possible negatives, dragging in past disappointments, and then walking straight into the result we’ve expected.

· Relationship tip: Raise your expectations: Winners are winners even before they first win. Date with confidence in yourself and allow future partners a fresh slate when entering a relationship.

2) Stamina – is an essential quality for a championship sportsman or woman, especially in events like the marathon or swimming where you really need to go the distance. Using your energy wisely means you will have enough of it in reserve when you need that little bit extra to achieve success. It’s the same in a relationship. If you’re aiming for a long run you should be prepared to go the distance to gain the best of the rewards.

· Relationship tip: Spend your emotional energy wisely. Avoid unnecessary drama, make love not war – avoid emotionally engaging in trivial matters, and save your energy for bigger matters that truly count.

3) Control – the difference between those that make it to the big league and those that don’t is the unwavering belief that they deserve to be there. They believe they are in command of the situation and have the necessary skills to achieve their desired result.

· Relationship tip: You are in control of you. Don’t fret and worry about what the other person is doing, thinking or saying – you can’t control that. Concentrate on your own behaviour and be responsible for it. Behave in a way that you feel will produce the best results.

4) Perseverance – unexpected stumbling blocks are inevitable for athletes, singles and couples alike. How you react in the face of adversity is often what determines the height your career reaches and it is the same in relationships. Michael Jordan famously said: “I have failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.” Be it a sports injury, performance slump or any of the hitches that a relationship may experience, positive thinking techniques aid recovery, keep your attitude on track and keep on the road to the relationship medal podium.

· Relationship tip: Don’t throw in the towel. If you’ve done your homework in advance then ensure you work together to resolve any conflict. You’re a team after all.

“Remember, you deserve to succeed, and while you may not be able to win gold for the 100 metre race you can certainly be a winner in the dating race!” Jenni Trent Hughes, relationship expert, eHarmony.co.uk

How Dating has Changed Since The 1950s

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HOW HAS DATING CHANGED SINCE PRINCESS ELIZABETH FIRST “STEPPED OUT” WITH HER DASHING PHILIP?

Relationship site eHarmony tells Frost Magazine about the similarities and differences between dating in the 1950s and the 2010s

 

In less than a week’s time Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip will stand side by side as the nation celebrates her sixty year reign. But how did the young Princess know when she first met her dashing Duke that he was to be her life partner? Were the customs of courtship in the 1940s and 1950s more successful in bringing lifelong couples together? To celebrate this Diamond Jubilee, relationship site eHarmony reviews how young couples met and dated sixty years ago and compares the advice given then, to our contemporary words of wisdom. And which makes more sense? You decide.

 

Dating in the 1950s

Dating in the 2010s
Men did the asking

It was always the man who proposed a date. It was not polite or acceptable for women to suggest an evening out together. With no answer machines or text messages in existence women would have to wait for a knock at the door or a telephone call. Men frequently ask

Whilst it’s still traditional for a man to ask, today women can and often do ask men on dates. For online daters many first dates are organised through email, text and by phone, this allows us all to have a bit more courage to ask .A date was a date

In the 40s and 50s, there was no confusion about what a date meant to either party. It was rare for men and women to be just friends. So if a man called a woman and asked her to dinner, he certainly had romance on his mind. Is this a date?

Men and women are now often friends, and can stay friends without any romantic involvement, even once a relationship comes to an end.  So inviting someone to a pub or restaurant or accepting such invitation is no longer a certain hint at romantic intentions. Timing was everything

Notice was absolutely necessary for a date in polite society. At least two or three days’ notice was required for a lady’s diary and times to collect and return your young lady were critical. Competing for time

Modern daters are busy with their lives, and if they’re not around when the phone rings, it is acceptable to call back when convenient or to arrange a second date through a text or email. Respond immediately to your date invitation

If a lady was lucky enough to be asked out, it was her duty to respond immediately and of course with absolute politeness. Appearing too keen

Modern day dating seems to be more like a power battle. If a man asks, a woman cannot appear too keen. And yet, respond late and she risks appearing disinterested, particularly if the dater is communicating with other online matches. Always be on time

There’s no such thing as fashionably late; ladies must be ready when their date arrived. Always be on time

Today it is still considered rude to keep your date waiting for any longer than 5 minutes. Particularly if you are meeting in a public place (see below). Collecting your date

When date night arrived, the man would always organise the transportation. He would come to the door to greet his date before taking her to their venue and he always brought her safely home to her family. Meeting in public is a good idea

Unlike the traditional custom of collecting and being collected, today it is more common to make your own way to the first date and is sensible to meet in a public place. This takes away any fear and ensures safety until you get to know your date a little more. Introducing your date to your parents on a first date

When a man collected his young lady, it was customary for her to introduce him to her parents who would want to approve that he was suitable for their daughter. Introducing your date to family and friends means it’s serious

For many modern day daters, busy with work, life and possibly kids, introducing a partner to parents or family is more likely to happen once the dating phase is close or into the ‘relationship’ phase. Men always ordered

When dining out, the young lady should always tell her male friend what she would like before he orders for her.I know what I want

Today, it is unheard of to expect your date to order for you. Women know what they want and will ask for it.Men always paid

When the bill arrived, the man would always pay. It was unthinkable for a woman to offer any money.The payment dilemma

Many men still feel that they should pick up the bill, but paying is a tricky issue. Sometimes women are insulted at the implication they can’t take care of themselves. For some men, traditional notions are outdated. It is polite to always offer to “Go Dutch” but to accept if the other party then insists that he or she should pay.

 

 

Jenni Trent Hughes, Relationship Expert for eHarmony believes the dating process holds a mirror to the society of the time. She says: “In the 40s and 50s, the family unit was strong and often men and women in their twenties were still living at home with their families. Communities were close and approval was of paramount importance. Politeness and reference was a critical part of the dating process. Today our society is more fractured. We move away from home for work or college and both men and women are juggling busy lives and demands on their time. We meet more as equals and must make our own decisions. It’s fast paced and exciting but not without its etiquette protocols entirely.”

 

For more information on how to make the most of the dating experience, check out eHarmony’s Dating Advice site at: http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/dating