MIND YOUR LANGUAGE: HARNESSING THE POWER OF THE SPOKEN WORD TO SPARK POSITIVE LIFELONG CHANGE

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By James Carré-Rice

For better or worse our potential is shaped, and indeed kept in check, by the things we believe about ourselves. Let me give you an example of how this is plays out.

Many years ago, while serving time in Borstal, an officer took us outside to play football on the yard. Then, while standing alongside me before kick-off, he casually spoke about having watched ‘Last Night at the Proms’ on TV the night before. “Wonderful those young people,” he muttered, “educated, dignified, the future of our great land.” Then, giving me a sidelong glance, added, “unlike scum like you,” and wandered away. His words stung, but sadly, I figured that on the balance of it, he was probably right.

The damage caused by such condemnation comes partly in the saying, but primarily in the believing. Years later, after transforming my life through meaningful therapy, those past self-beliefs tried to hold me back at key moments of opportunity. For instance, on the eve of my driving test, which secured me a great job and helped provide my first mortgage, I came under a vicious emotional attack. Sickening waves of negativism arose, as if from nowhere, trying to stifle my progress. ‘Who on earth do you think you are?’ they demanded, trying to belittle me. ‘You’re not like decent people, now get back where you belong.’ Emotionally, it made me feel uncomfortably out-of-place and unworthy. However, having previously engaged in meaningful therapy and gained a firm understanding about my true worth, I was able to overcome that spiteful attack and prosper.

From an early age our personalities are affected by the things others say but primarily by the conclusions we reach about ourselves. No sooner do we bloom into the fullness of childhood than the process of maturity arises to cover most of it up. At that time, a powerful element known as the ego sets to work, shaping its opinion about who it thinks we are. The ego accepts that which we believe about ourselves and forms it into an internal model.

For instance, in the case of a little girl being utterly neglected by her father (a common story), her inner ego is likely to be self-critical about why that has happened. The usual conclusion reached by a young mind is, ‘I’m not good enough.’ Such an emotional belief, no matter how inaccurate, will damage her prospects in many areas of life; not least when dealing with men. Nobody, not even she, will understand why she went on to accept second-rate options and lived way below potential.

So, what can be done? In the case of self-limiting beliefs, it’s hard to avoid the prospect of therapy, in which the root of the storyline can be re-visited in safety. Egoic beliefs are like hardy bushes that survive trimming, being ignored and severe pruning. Therefore, in order to be rid of them, we have to get down to the roots.

Those with the wherewithal to confront deep-seated trauma discover something remarkable at the point of contact. Far from the trauma overwhelming us, our conscious observation neutralises it. Yes, there will be a fearful moment of intensity, and perhaps a few tears, but our very open-eyed awareness will diminish its power.

The reward for taking such a brave course of action is to break the chains that bind and go forth to leave our mark upon this life. As described in my own story, rooting out damaging internal narratives, unleashes our true potential.

James Carré-Rice is a bestselling author, a renowned life coach, and a sought-after public speaker. But his life was not always so successful. As a young man, he was sentenced to a total of more than seven years at Her Majesty’s Pleasure for a string of violent offences. James, now 57, turned his life around and used his negative experiences of the penal system to develop a pioneering rehabilitative system for the New York State Criminal Justice Department that helped US gang members re-join society. Over 200,000 copies of his first book, Within These Streets, are in prisons here and abroad.

His new book, Another Kind of Knowing, is out now priced £7.99 from Amazon UK. For more information about James’ work, go to www.jamescarrerice.com

Celebrate Valentine’s Day with Viña Real Wines.

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The look of love is in the air and we think Valentines is the perfect reason to wind down with a delicious dinner paired with a superb wine. Whether you’re sharing the day with a loved one, celebrating Galantines or just spending the evening enjoying your own company, Viña Real wine will not disappoint. Now we must admit, we were sent this wonderful package of wine weeks ago but with dry January in full tow we didn’t want to leave out any folk so here’s why Viña Real should be your top choice this week.

The award winning Spanish wine brand CVNE have continued to supply us with a wide range of quality Rioja wines since 1879. With age only comes wisdom and the winery, which is split into four, include Viña Real. The wines we tried were Viña Real Crianza and the Viña Real Barrel Fermented White but the brand also stock four other wines including a Rosado and a Gran Reserva.

First up the Viña Real Crianza, this is a charming red with a flavour of deep dark berries. This is a spicy red perfect for the Winter months and great for sipping with roasted meats. This wine is very easy to drink and can be found in Gordon’s Wine bar in London for £28 per bottle buy you can get this for a fraction of the price from a good wine retailer. This bottle certainly delivers much more than it’s modest price tag. Great value and great all rounder we think this would suit even the most discerning palette.

If it’s a quality white you’re after than the Viña Real Barrel Fermented white comes highly recommended. This wine is made up of 100% Viura or Macabeo grape which has become increasingly popular and is usually used to make up Cava wines. The barrel fermentation means that the wine is fermented in smaller oak barrels as opposed to large stainless steel and helps to highlight the texture which is creamy and light and helps preserve the fruit aromas, in this case gooseberry and honeysuckle. Again a moreish and fantastic value wine with an average price of £10.95

To find out more about CVNE and Viña Real wines visit www.cvne.com

Guess what – first dates are as thrilling as sky diving – oh yeah?

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Really, it is apparently so.

A University study proves dating increases heart rate to the same level as skydiving.

Well, if we grannies who run our charity: Words for the Wounded had known that, we’d have tried the date, rather than leap out of a plane to raise funds for our veterans…

So, what’s this all about – on Valentine’s Day?

Apparently Lovelorn Brits find the thrill of a first date as adrenaline inducing as jumping out of a plane, according to scientific research.

The Bear Grylls Adventure in partnership with the University of Wolverhampton found that the average heart rate while indoor skydiving was 111 BPM, almost identical to that of a blind date experience, 106 BPM – proving that the excitement of a romantic encounter is the same as freefalling.

The research by the university cardiology department put participants through a number of experiences including indoor skydiving, a zip wire course, and a first date while wearing heart rate monitors to measure pulse fluctuations.

In support, a survey of 2,000 UK adults found more than half (54%) of Brits consider going on a first date a thrilling experience, and 1 in 6 confessed to enjoying the rush of the initial encounter.

The survey of the nation’s daters also found a third of Brits had considered leaving or not turning up to a date due to nerves, and 45% have stuttered and lost their trail of thought. Ooops.

General Manager, James Thomas said: “First dates sure are a thrilling experience, the fear of the unknown in any circumstance gets the heart racing, and the heart rate research we’ve undertaken backs this up. The results of our research proved that the UK is a nation of thrill seekers who want to be pushed to the limit and the attraction is set to test just that.

“The Bear Grylls Adventure has been designed to encourage people to test their boundaries, overcome their fears and experience some of the world’s most thrilling experiences all in one place.”

Bear Grylls said: “Facing our fears is the only way to truly conquer them. Our heart rates fall the more we undertake different challenges, as we know what to expect and we have overcome the initial leap. Avoiding fears only makes them bigger and causes them to root themselves even deeper.’

One of our Words for the Wounded grannies had a total fear of heights, and it changed her to have to actually a) go up in a tiny plane, and b) jump from it. Arghhhh. However, she strode away, looking very much as though she could kick ass, if a future situation ever warranted it.

Dr Martin Khechera, Senior Lecturer in Biomedical Science at the University of Wolverhampton, said: “…When approaching a nerve-racking experience, our bodies usually experience a ‘fight or flight’ response, whereby we notice a rapid increase in heart rate due to an adrenaline rush. Once the initial thrill has taken place, heart rates start to steady, and this is when we get a chance to enjoy and improve our skydiving and even dating skills. The more we get used to pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone the better we get in handling stressful situations. It’s valid to conclude that the more we push ourselves out of our comfort zone by skydiving or taking on heights or even the exhilarating rush of a zip line the better we get in dating.

The adventure park which opens in Birmingham in 2018 will replicate some of Bear Gryll’s most incredible adventures, including skydiving, rock climbing, military ropes course and diving.

I’m beginning to wonder if the grannies should be launching themselves along a zip wire in the autumn, instead of walking Hadrian’s Wall. Much quicker and if it equals the excitement of a first date, bring it on.

 

For more information please visit www.beargryllsadventure.com

www.wordsforthewounded.co.uk for details of our writing award, LitFest, and in due course, Hadrian’s Wall, or will it be something else… We’ve done a military assault course, sky diving… zip zip perhaps.

 

Strictly Come Dancing star’s debut novel (guess who) has been acquired by Bonnier Zaffre: by Dr Kathleen Thompson

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I can’t wait any longer to give you the answer – it’s the fabulous Anton Du Beke.

Isn’t Strictly Come Dancing marvellous? We gawp as some celebrities morph into graceful swans, whilst others splash and sink into the mire of Craig’s scorn.

Ballroom and latin dancing is beautiful to watch –exquisite dresses, sparkling Swarovski crystals, glamorous make-up, stunning hair-styles, all showcasing the graceful fusion of two people gliding across the dance floor as one.

But it is an illusion, which melts like the stage makeup when cold cream is applied (now I am showing my age), once the performance is over.

As an amateur dancer  myself I can assure you that there is a very different world behind the glamour – a world of alliances, politics and sometimes, foul play.  I know of a world champion who regularly had her bra stolen from the changing room whilst she was competing –and that was in the days when au natural was definitely not fashionable.

So I for one am waiting with unashamed excitement for the debut novel of the fabulous Anton Du Beke, who has hung up his Werner Kerns at least long enough to pour his creativity onto pages instead of the dance floor.

His novel, entitled One Enchanted Evening, will be set around a London hotel ballroom in the lead up to World War II and is set to publish in Autumn 2018 by Bonnier Zaffre. Will he let us into some secrets of the real ballroom world? Oh, I think so …

One Enchanted Evening: pub Bonnier Zaffre. Autumn 2018.

From Both Ends of the Stethoscope by award winning author, Dr Kathleen Thompson

 

 

THE BUSINESS OF BOOKS: ONLY TAKE IT ON IF YOU CAN SEE IT THROUGH

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Jane Cable considers what it takes to organise a successful event

Never one to ask others to do what I won’t myself, I thought that this year I would focus my own articles on advice given and received as well. Except as I have the privilege of writing my own column once a month I’m planning to focus each article on something relevant to my writing life.

So let’s start with writers’ events. I don’t know whether it’s because I’m willing, or I’m bossy, or I forget to duck below the parapet, but very often it seems to be me doing the organising. Last week I was at a library in Cardiff with two other Welsh authors, talking about routes to publication. It was a bitterly cold evening and it had snowed during the day. We’d already cancelled the afternoon event due to low bookings but were determined this one should go ahead. Perhaps, between us, we did know a significant number of people in the audience, but that was probably because they were writers yet to get a book out there and wanted to pick our brains. That said, we all enjoyed the evening and the library reported enthusiastic feedback from our guests.

So, what did I learn? And what advice would I give other writers looking to try their hand at connecting with their audience in this way?

  1. Only take it on if you can see it through If you initiate an event it is down to you to finish it. You may have a helpful venue (as we did in Cardiff last week), but if you promise something you have to deliver or your reputation will be at stake. This can mean finding other writers willing to take part, pulling together publicity material, sorting out IT and refreshments. If you can’t give it the time and the energy, don’t go there.
  2. Know your audience Think about who you would like to attend and find a venue, time and topic to suit them. Sometimes at least one of these will be fixed (eg a library or a festival) but there will always be something you can control to entice people in. Last week in Cardiff we over-estimated the appeal of an afternoon discussion about favourite books aimed at readers of romance. We were targeting retired people, thinking they would enjoy the interaction and not want to be talked at. What we didn’t factor in was the weather – the same event in the summer might well have been popular.
  3. Know when to quit We had six people signed up to that afternoon event and there were four presenters so it was a no brainer that it had to go. We, and the library, tried everything to up the numbers but to no avail so we pulled the plug and made sure everyone knew about it. But quitting isn’t always the right answer. A couple of years ago Chindi Authors organised a mini litfest to raise funds for Words for the Wounded. Tickets sold slowly for the main lunchtime event and I was ready to pull the plug, but the wonderful children’s author Christopher Joyce refused to let me and as it happened we would have struggled to fit another person in – and the weekend as a whole raised almost £1,000 for the charity.
  4. Only do it if you’re going to enjoy it There is no point putting all this effort in if, on the day, you’re going to be a gibbering wreck. If you hate public speaking then find another way to raise your profile. Nothing is compulsory. Play to your strengths.

Thandie Newton: ‘Lost Work For Revealing Hollywood Sexual Abuse’

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thandie-newton-reveals-hollywood-sexual-abuseBrave and stunning actress Thandie Newton has spoken out about sexual abuse in Hollywood. The actress revealed in July that she was abused by a director when he put a camera between her legs during an audition, she even found out later that he had been playing the tape at private parties. She was also told by a director he would film above her bare breasts, but he didn’t. She says she also suffered “serious sexual abuse” from an ex-lover.

The 43-year-old claims Hollywood covers these incidents up. She told The Guardian:“Here’s the thing. I am so grateful for all that: ‘Zip it, Thandie! Zip it! Zip it!’ Because it made me more angry, made me want to talk more,”

She says that she won’t take the director to court at the moment. “You know, maybe that will happen. But he’s one person. I’m out for the whole f**king industry. I go for big. I’m not small. I’m vast.”

She refuses to be quiet about the experience “and sometimes it p**ses people off and they disinvite me from their lives. But I would rather lose friends for that one seed of doubt that might be in their minds.” She has also lost work because she spoke out about it. She said “there’s more infrastructure to cover up than there is to protect.” Thandie said she was recently diagnosed with endometriosis “And I really do think it was (down to) fury.”

What do you think?

JANE CABLE REVIEWS: THE LAST DAY by CLAIRE DYER

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This is a clever book on so many levels. Just as you are settling in with the characters Claire Dyer throws a curve ball which grips you and makes it impossible not to read on.

Vita, Boyd and Honey are not a love triangle. They can’t be; Vita got over Boyd years ago, but nevertheless it is a surreal situation for them all when Boyd and Honey need to move into Vita’s home in Albert Terrace. And of course they all have secrets – there have to be secrets. In fact there is only one character in book who doesn’t have one.

As days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months, the new normality of life in Albert Terrace is punctured by glimpses of the past which tie the characters together, yet rip them apart. As time marches on towards the last day – which the reader knows has to come – secrets are revealed and slowly the jigsaw falls into place. Just one mystery remains: will the last day in fact be the first?

The Last Day is Claire Dyer’s first book for The Dome Press and she seems to have found the right home for her particular brand of character driven fiction. Dyer is also a poet and it shows; every word in this carefully constructed novel counts and has the feeling of being deliberately placed. Yet the genius is that this is still a smooth read which carries you to the Surrey small town world of the characters and keeps you there long after you’ve finished reading.

As the story takes off you forget about the writer’s skill and become immersed. You cease to notice that one character alone narrates in the first person, that the whole book is in the present tense. This is how it should be with great writing and Dyer, with her MA in Creative Writing, slips into the background as her story takes over.

Highly recommended.

The Last Day is published on 15th February 2018 by The Dome Press. Claire Dyer is one of four writers Frost’s Business of Books column is following this year. Look out for updates on the last Wednesday of every month.

 

Men’s Bathrooms Need To Have Baby Changing Stations

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baby, shared parental leave, feminism, equality, childcare, leave, maternal, work, working mothers, lean inWhen it comes to sexism parenting is rife with it. Women are asked how they juggle having children and a job, men rarely, if ever. Most parenting events for mother are 9-5 Monday-Friday, and the events for men are on a weekend. Because women don’t work, right? Because men don’t look after their own children? It infuriates me. Anyway, on to the case in point. In America President Obama (and he still is, just. Sniff) signed the Bathrooms Accessible in Every Situation Act. It doesn’t cover restaurants yet, but it is a start. America is behind the UK when it comes to maternity leave, and general maternal care, so we should take their lead on this. It is sexism pure and simple. Sexist against men but sometimes women just want a break. There has been times when I have to change our son because my husband can’t go into the ladies room to change him. It is BS. We have to start lobbying our MP and doing what we can. Ask restaurants and other places to have the baby changing in both bathrooms, or a separate one that both parents can go into. There has to be more equality in parenting, and men’s bathrooms having baby changing is a good start.