Tag Archives: feminism

MumsThread: No, Women Can Not Have It All By Getting Up An Hour Earlier

Posted on by

get up an hour earlier, have it all, women, First it was in the papers. Then it was in some magazines. Of course, it was in the Daily Mail. It was sexism and bullshit dressed up as self-help. It said that women can have it all if they just get up an hour earlier. Much like a lot of self help: it was geared towards women to let them know that they weren’t good enough. That they weren’t working hard enough, that nothing they give is enough. Because, ladies, we should all be getting up an hour earlier. The leading story on The Daily Mail earlier today was a group of slim, successful working mothers who all get up at 4am. For quality time, to exercise, to work. Well I have had enough. You know what women really need? More sleep. I already work to 1am most nights, I don’t need to cut off hours at the other end.

Now, getting up earlier isn’t necessarily bad advice, but I take umbrage at it being marketed to working mothers. To any woman actually. Now, nothing happens in a vacuum. This started when author Samantha Ettus claimed to have come up with the formula to living a guilt-free and fulfilling life in her new book The Pie Life. I haven’t read the book, and getting up earlier IS a good way to get more done. But it doesn’t fit everyone and too many publications have taken it and used it as a stick to beat women with. Sleep is important for health, and if you are tired you will be less alert. I get more done when I have had a good nights sleep, I am sure you do too.

The truth is, no one gets to have it all and the bigger truth is that it would take more than an extra hour for me to fit it all in enough to have it all. What working mothers really need is for daddy to help out more. Or a nanny, a cook, and a cleaner. I am not saying that men don’t do their fair share, but I would like articles to point this out more: that a child has two parents and that mum needs a break sometimes. Working smarter is better than working harder. I get hardly any sleep as it is and there is no way in hell I am letting anyone take that away from me. So sleep ladies. Sleep until the baby/toddler/child wakes you up, and if it is a weekend, make sure you hand them over to daddy for an extra 10 minutes.

MumsThread On The Motherhood Penalty: Can Only Men Have it All?

Posted on by

how old is too old to have a baby? post natal depression, PND,There has been a lot in the media about the Motherhood Penalty so I felt I had to give my opinion on it. The truth is, it exists. As for the next question in the title: can only men have it all? Mostly. Yes, I know. It isn’t fair and it certainly is sexist, but having a child affects a women’s career much more than a man’s. Now there are exceptions to the rule, and the number of stay-at-home dads is growing, but childcare is still widely seen as a women’s issue. And that’s wrong. Women get the motherhood penalty but men get the daddy bonus.

It is not that women can’t have it all. You can, but it’s really hard. Mostly it is just that they can’t have it all at the same time. Parenthood requires sacrifice. The sacrifice comes from both genders, but weighs heavier on the female. Since my husband and I had our son his career has gone from strength-to-strength, he gets to go out occasionally and even gets invited to award ceremonies because he has a permanent unpaid babysitter at home. In contrast, my life now resembles almost nothing of its predecessor because I don’t. I have given up numerous opportunities because I could not juggle them with my child.  Somedays I get no work done at all. Other days I just stare at my son while he plays thinking about how the hell I can be a good mother to him, run a business and be an author and freelance writer. Because, and it pains me to say this, sometimes I can’t. Something has got to give, and usually it is my hobbies, social life, and career. My husband still has the bones of his old life. Only his evenings and weekends are different, my old life on the other hand was obliterated. My son is worth it of course, but that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes miss the person I used to be and the life I used to have. I wrote about this subject before I had my son and while I still think women can do whatever they want with their lives, it is harder for them.

I could put my child into a nursery of course. But let’s not kid ourselves, that is not having it all either. There is nothing wrong with it. I have female friends who ended their maternity leave early because they said they could not take being at home with a baby all day. Being at home with a baby all day is hard and I don’t judge. Good for her, not for me. There is also the cost of childcare, which is extortionate. The nursery next to us cost £93 a day. A DAY! Who can afford that?

I read in the Metro that 2 out of every 3 women with pre-school children are locked out of work. I was fired twice when I was pregnant, and many other promises amounted to nothing when my pregnancy became public knowledge. It upset me then and it upsets me now. There are generations of women who had so much to offer the world, but maternity discrimination put paid to that. It is no surprise that the “mumpreneur” industry is so huge. And you only have to look at what mumpreneurs are doing to know that there are not the ones missing out, the people who forced them out of work are. I recently saw the amazing Diane Keaton film Baby Boom. It was made in 1987 but is just as relevant today. It is on netflix.com so do watch it. In the beginning Diane Keaton’s boss tells her that only men get to have it all, but in the end she starts her own business and becomes a mother. She really does get to have it all.

I know many of friends who aren’t even thinking of having children but are married and “of an age” so are discriminated against. I think maternity leave should apply to both sexes. Then women cannot be the only ones discriminated against. It is a thought. I might not work, but something has to be done. Whether by women who start their own business, by making sure that men are not discriminated against for wanting to stay at home, or by a change in the law, we need to keep doing whatever we can. Not just for ourselves, but for our daughters and sons too.

MumsThread: On The Importance of Work When You Become a Mother

Posted on by

working mothers, working mum, freelance, self employed, mothers, mumsthread, babies, feminism, sexism, Out of all of the truisms, few are more true as when you choose a job, you choose a lifestyle. This was never more true when I first became an actor many moons ago (at one point I had three survival jobs. A day one, an evening one and a weekend one), or when I had a corporate job that paid absurdly well, but made me unhappy because it felt like my creative soul was dying.

Now I have a child lifestyle is important. I have been self employed and freelance for about six years now. And it is wonderful and awful, easy and hard. The truth is: I have worked harder and had tougher work conditions as my own boss than in any other. Frequently not allowing myself breaks, chaining myself to my desk as I just churn the work out. But having my son last year resulted in changes. Mostly because I fell head over heels in love with him, and I will never be the same again. It has required sacrifices, and sometimes those sacrifices are that I get barely any work done at all. Those days are the toughest. I have turned down a lot of great opportunities and my acting career is on the back burner, but I know that the privilege of seeing my son grow up is bigger than anything else. It was always important to me that my son was raised by at least one of his parents. It’s not a judgment call, all power to nannies and nurseries. In fact, I wish I could afford a live-in nanny, or a night nanny. Oh what heaven that would be.

But what I didn’t bargain on was how much I love working. Even the worst job I had brought something good with it: money, a reason to get out of bed, meeting people, a sense of worth. I am not saying I want to go back to those awful jobs, but work gives you identity and freedom. It means you are contributing to society. All of these are things that are very important. Even more so when you have a child and otherwise you just feel like someone’s mother and someone’s wife. I am not slamming being a housewife. It is as valid a choice as any. But I know myself, I need to work, and times where I can’t fit my work in due to childcare/a sick child/ a problem with the flat leaves me with a void. I also believe that a woman needs something for herself, even if it is just a hobby. Women tend to sacrifice themselves and it is unhealthy. Not just for the mother, but all the family. I would love to share childcare 50/50 with my husband, but he works in finance and that is just not possible. So some days I will write an article on my iPhone in the playpen with the baby, I will work on my book as much as possible when the baby finally naps. It has taught me to work smarter, not harder. To be quicker. But the thing having a child has most taught me is quality of life. I no longer chain myself to my desk. I say no to things. Because I have something which gives me more joy than anything else: my son’s face. Even on my hardest day he gives me joy. He has taught me that life is more important than work. I would constantly burn myself out before he came along, now I know that I just have to do what I can and that I am enough. I should be proud of my achievements. On the flip side, I got irritated when a lot of people asked if I would still work after I had a baby, and when I see an article on “selfish” mothers going out to work. I mean, God forbid a women wants to have a career and professional fulfilment. Y’now, like men get to do. No one ever asked a man how he juggles work with having children. The other thing is money: how many households can really survive on one income?

Many women do not get to see their babies grow up. They have to go out and work. I can earn a living as a freelancer and that is a huge achievement. I know I have the best of both worlds, even if I have to bribe the baby with Disney cartoons while I work. It was Sheryl Sandberg who said there is no such thing as work/life balance. There is just life and work and there is no balance. She is a wise woman. As long as I am kind to myself and get everything done eventually I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

 

Gransthread on Kenneth Clarke’s overheard opinion on Theresa May.

Posted on by

A ‘bloody difficult woman’. Compliment or Insult?

Recently Kenneth Clarke was overheard calling Theresa May a ‘bloody difficult woman’. So – insult, or a compliment?

 

I can’t claim to see inside anyone else’s head, but it was reported as an insult or if one is kind, an observation.

 

This is a label that has been directed towards me rather often, sometimes behind my back. Well usually, but I have ears like a bat, or a witch as some might say.

Without a doubt I take it as a compliment, because I feel I have earned such an accolade.

 

Why? A sense of self is hard fought for, and the confidence to stand one’s ground,  when societal or peer pressure is urging one to shut up, and go with the flow, is a precious commodity.

 

It doesn’t make for an easy life, though, because it equates to putting one’s head above the parapet, but I thought I’d ask around for the opinion of other women across the generations.

 

Tracy Baines, one of our most successful short story writers, who has three grandchildren, and looks ridiculously young, or is it that she knows some magic elixir says:

 

‘Depends who is calling me difficult. I think older women are called difficult and younger women are labelled Prima Donnas or drama queens. When I was younger I would have seen it as detrimental but now I think it’s an asset. It’s said by men and women who don’t like it when you are not a pushover. Bring it on I say.

 

So today I asked a girl who is quite the other end of the spectrum, a mere fourteen. Meg said:

 

I would take it as a compliment. I have a right to an opinion, and though I listen to the opinions of others, if I disagree I will say so. I know I need to make sure I have a reason for the way I think, but in the end, I have a right to transfer my thought into words, even if others don’t like it.

 

Another, a mother, said:

 

I do think men and women have different attitudes. Women are more used to placating others, so tend to keep their opinions to themselves, or subsume their actions into those which will make few ripples. I think they then feel increasingly frustrated by this and as they get older they realize that they have earned their place in the world, and increasingly will not necessarily toe the line just because it is inconvenient for someone else.

So, where are we with this? Perhaps being what is classed as difficult disturbs the status quo? If so, let it. Change is usually good except for the lazy, the scared or the narrow minded.

 

So, a firm decision from across the generations that to be called bloody difficult is a compliment. As Tracy Baines says: bring it on and more power to our elbows.
Any opinions amongst our Frost Magazine readers?
Would love to hear them at frost@margaret-graham.com

 

 

Why We Have To Get Rid Of The Notion of a Bikini Body Forever

Posted on by

Catherine Balavage, feminism, bikini body, the myth of a bikini body sexism, love your body, Women Either Have To Exercise, Diet and be Subjected to Photoshop, Or Be Told How “Brave” They Are For Having “Real” Bodies. And that has got to stop.

It’s summer and with that comes dieting, exercising, fake tanning, dry body brushing, exfoliating, waxing and moisturising. It includes hundreds of products and doing our hair and make up just perfect. Oh, and shopping for bikinis and sandals. Except THANK GOD it doesn’t. There is only one way to get a bikini body: put on a bikini. There you go. You already had the body.

In the run up to summer, magazines are full of articles on how to detox and lose weight for summer. I have read so many articles on fake tanning on auto-pilot that it actually made me angry that I did not stop reading these “how-to’s” years ago. I don’t even use fake tan. I love my pale skin and I will not let society and the media tell me how to ‘fix’ it to conform to their ideal of beauty. Ditto the dieting, waxing and detoxing articles. In fact, one of my biggest girl crushes, Mindy Kaling, has said the following: “Most people want to ask about my size and how brave I am. I’m like, ‘I’m not brave, I’m just not really skinny”. Because being a successful and beautiful woman is not enough, right? You also have to be skinny and conform to a certain ideal of beauty. Usually a tall, thin white woman.

The truth is, a women’s body is always politicised and objectified. We either have to work out, eat healthily and be photo-shopped into oblivion, or  flaunt our ‘real women’ bodies (how I hate that phrase!) and get told how “brave” we are. We get bullied into insecurity because that is how the beauty industry, how capitalism, makes billions from us.

Making women feel bad about themselves is an industry in itself.

I am not attacking women’s magazines, but I am saying that those ‘bikini body’ articles have to go. Sure, tell us how to be fit and healthy. Tell us about the latest beauty products and give us great articles on health and recipes for good, nourishing food, but stop with the bikini body myth. It is damaging all of us. There is no such thing as perfection. It seems like it is a secret that women’s bodies are not perfect. That they don’t have marks on them. Well they do. Women have cellulite and stretch-marks. But here is the thing: men do too! They just can’t make money out of making men feel bad about it so they don’t bother. Hell, even babies have cellulite! Frankly, can you think of anything more dire than the pursuit of physical perfection? For one, it doesn’t exist. Even for the most narrow of beauty ideals, and because we all have better things to do. Can you imagine what women could achieve if they spent the same amount of time getting ready as the average man? We could take a course, work, even just relax for a while. I would rather carry some extra pounds and enjoy my life than have a ‘perfect’ body (and let’s be honest, those don’t exist).

In my life I have been everything from a UK size 4 to a UK size 12/14. And here is the thing: I always felt fat. I hated it if my stomach was bloated, if my skirts were tight around my hips. Then I freed myself. Because, to borrow a phrase from another wise woman, fat is a feminist issue. My body has made another human being. It has been good to me and I love it. And I love it even though I have been taught not to. Despite the lack of fake tan, waxing and expensive ‘firming’ creams. I love it because loving your body as a woman is a revolutionary act. And I have always been a bit of a rebel.

 

Elisabeth Banks Was “Too Old” To Play Tobey Maguire’s Girlfriend In Spider-Man At 28

Posted on by

Elizabeth_BankstoooldtoplaytobymaguiresgilfriendIn an interview with the ever-amazing Glamour Magazine, Elizabeth Banks has revealed that she was deemed “too old” too play Toby Maguire’s Girlfriend in Spider Man, despite being close in age.

Now 42, Banks had a screen test with Tobey Maguire for the film that was released in 2002. She was rejected for the role because of her age, even though she is just 16 months older than Maguire.

“I screen-tested for the role of Mary-Jane Watson in the first Spider-Man movie, opposite Tobey Maguire,” she told Glamour magazine. “Tobey and I are basically the same age and I was told I was too old to play her. I’m like, ‘Oh, okay, that’s what I’ve signed up for’.”

Kirsten Dunst, who is six years younger than Maguire -34 to his 40- ended up playing the part. Banks played a minor role in the movie. As the Daily Bugle secretary Betty Brant.

The actress, director and producer recently directed Pitch Perfect 2, which grossed $285 million worldwide. She won’t be directing the sequel as she wants to spend more time with her family. “The new schedule butts up against my parental responsibilities in a way I’m not really comfortable with,” she said.

 

If you are an actor then check out How To Be a Successful Actor: Becoming an Actorpreneur. It is available in print and in all eBook formats on both Smashwords and Amazon.

 

 

Patricia Clarkson Says ‘A white male actor should never complain’

Posted on by

The Guardian particia clarkson interview white men should not moanPatricia Clarkson has hit out at people who complain about female-led movie. The 56-year-old actress has had an illustrious career spanning decades, but she has faced pay inequality and notes that there is still a backlash. She used the new Ghostbusters film as an example, which stars an all-female lead cast which includes Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy.

“There are still so many movies made starring 50 men and one woman! A white male actor should never be allowed to complain about anything. Shut up and sit in the corner. I mean, seriously!”  She told The Guardian

“The odds of us having films made which star women… Everyone still references one movie: Bridesmaids! Ghostbusters is a great thing and I love these actresses. I can’t wait to see it.”I think everyone has a right to a good moan, but her point about the Ghostbusters film is a good one.

She also said that female characters are usually “softened” or “some ridiculous caricature like a dominatrix or a one-dimensional boss with no life and bad hair.”

She went on: “When I was younger, of course I had people act inappropriately to me. I’ve had certain directors yell at me. But I didn’t stand for it and I didn’t let it go far enough for it to be in any way abusive to me. People didn’t speak up as much as they do now. Women have risen. But we’re still underpaid and we’re still a vast minority in this business.”

Actresses who have spoken out about inequality in the film industry have talked about a backlash, but the more strong people- both men and women- who fight for equality, the quicker we will get there.

What do you think?

 

If you are an actor then check out How To Be a Successful Actor: Becoming an Actorpreneur. It is available in print and in all eBook formats on both Smashwords and Amazon.

 

 

Is Meghain Trainer a Hypocrite When It Comes To Body Shaming & Loving Yourself?

Posted on by

Meghain Trainer, skinny women, body shaming, Meghain Trainer all about that bass song is body shaming skinny women, mean, rude,I am going to start this piece with a confession: I hate that ‘All About The Bass’ song. Okay it’s catchy and it has a good beat, but I hate the lyrics. And I am not the only one. Plenty of ‘stick-figure…Barbie doll’s‘ as Meghain puts it in her song also hate the lyrics. I have always found it ironic that she became famous for no photo-shopping and loving your body due to that song. She says it is wrong to body shame someone because of their size, but that entire song is rude to slim women. Yes, love yourself Meghain but don’t do it by dragging other women down and attacking their size. ‘Stick figure’ is offensive and so is implying that men need a little something to hold onto. Slim women have something for their men to hold onto. They are not made of air.

 

The real #metoo video is finally up! Missed that bass. Thank you everyone for the support 💙

A photo posted by Meghan Trainor (@meghan_trainor) on

Now Meghain is complaining that she was photo-shopped in her new music video. She then demanded that the un-edited version was released instead. Well good for her. Some say the entire thing is a publicity stunt. It may be, but I am a huge fan of more diversity when it comes to body shape. We do need more body shapes in the media. Not everyone is tall and skinny. But that doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with woman that are. Maybe Meghain should take note. In All About The Bass she wanted to ‘Go ahead and tell them skinny bitches’ and then said she was joking, but we all know that people sometimes pretend they are joking to soften what they are really saying. Let’s be more inclusive to every woman Meghain, not just the ones that look like you.