Here is an excellent guide to BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism) from erotic writer Tiffany Reisz. Perfect for turning up the heat in winter, and beyond.
- Think about why you want to try. A healthy sexual relationship should be about having fun and enjoying each other. There are many different ways to inject a touch spice into your sex life and BDSM although scary sounding can be a fun way of adding a touch of ooh lah lah as well as bonding you and your partner. In more ways than one, perhaps!
- Think first – Before you approach the topic of introducing BDSM into your sex lives, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons: to get closer and deeper into the relationship, enjoy and celebrate each other as well as to spice up your sex life.
- Talk about it – How else will you know what you want to explore? Talk about what type fantasies you may have – it’s part of the fun discussing and planning what you think you want to try out. BDSM needs a lot of communication.
- First steps – Try out some fantasies in ‘non-threatening areas’ such as during phone sex. It’s a fun way of easing into roleplay and can be done throughout the day at unexpected times. It may help to suggest days and times when it’s best to call – the last thing you want is to have someone else answer the it!
- Light bondage is always fun, sensual and sexy. For example, my favorite scene in The Prince involves nothing more than light bondage. Søren has his lover Kingsley tied to a bed so Kingsley can’t move his hands. The only thing Søren does is touch and kiss Kingsley every where except where Kingsley wants to be touched and kissed. Orgasm denial mixed with light bondage is a delightful way to sensually torture your partner. Tease him or her until they’re begging for release and only when they’ve begged enough do you give them what they want.
- BDSM doesn’t require expensive equipment or a dungeon all your own. Household objects can be used for light pain-play. Do you own a leather belt. It’s great for light-whipping on the bottom or back of the thighs. Søren and Kingsley don’t have access to BDSM equipment when they first become lovers at school That doesn’t stop them from doing pain-play. Everything from a belt to a thin but sturdy tree branch can be used. If it was good enough for our grandparents to punish our parents with, it’s good enough for us to use during S&M play.
- Mistress Nora loves sensual BDSM. She loves mixing pain with pleasure. In The Siren, she ties a young man spread-eagle to a bed on his back, mounts him in women superior position, and drips candle wax on his chest during the sex. Pleasure + Pain = Magic.
- Keep communicating – BDSM is always about communication. After sex or while you are feeling especially close to your partner, it’s good to share things and let each other know how it felt, what parts you may want to do again. It is critical to know when one of you wants to stop. Agree on a ‘stop’ word or signal – remember some areas of BDSM may mean difficulty in speaking (mouth lightly gagged, for example).
- Take Turns – As with everything, it is give and take. Agree to try out something new and take turns. As time goes on, you will both learn who is the ‘dominant’ and who is the ‘submissive’. Kingsley had no idea he had a submissive/masochistic side until the first time Søren held him down by his wrists on a bed. It’s something as simple as enjoying or loathing being held down that can tell you what your sexual persuasion is.
- Keep it coming As you continue to play these games, your relationship will reach levels of trust, communication, and intimacy that you’ve never experienced before so introduce it as regularly as you see fit.
By Tiffany Reisz who’s book ,The Prince is out now
