The Budget: to progressive what Kim Jong-il is to moderate {Carl Packman}

We’ve had the first budget by the new coalition government, called out by a small boy, nervously looking down at his sheet, behind him a Prime Minister with a face so red backbenchers thought it was daytime (it was daytime, but they didn’t know it was daytime by any other measure than David Cameron’s face, which actually isn’t a measure of time at all, allegedly) and two Liberal Democrats, whose party once called the rise in VAT (which was called today, starting in January 2011) the Tories’ ‘secret plot‘.

Though, back then, the plot referred to Tory plans to raise VAT to 19.5%. Judging by the chants of ‘here here’ today by Nick Clegg and Douglas Alexander, either we are to take it that once VAT rises to 20% it stops being a plot, or the Liberal Democrats have their hands tied in this coalition government. All such speculation has been achieved on this subject, and it doesn’t look good for the yellows.

Julian Glover of the Guardian on the day of the budget argued that it was not: “as a Thatcherite one would have done, seek[ing] to divide the nation between winners and losers. It was a one-nation one, albeit produced in desperate circumstances.” Certainly all the talk of “progressive” (that vacuous blanket term for anything not fascistic or carried out by a person over the age of 50 – Ken Clarke beware) provided the cover with which to place over our eyes, while our ears heard insistence from the Treasury that “The top income decile [consult graph 1 here for further explanation] sees the largest absolute losses, while, on average, the bottom three income deciles experience the lowest losses”.

But if the way in which Ozzy Osborne has dealt his number blow is progressives then I might as well sign myself up to that Facebook group supporting Kim Jong-il right now.

VAT always hits the lowest paid in society the hardest, though mostly what George has forgotten is proportion and scale. If figure A earns £200 a week and the government decides to take £10 more of that away, while figure B earns £2000 a week, and the government also decides to take £10, figure A feels more of a pinch in spite of the fact that both have contributed the same.

Now this is not an accurate picture of what the government are doing at the moment, but certainly the illustration holds true, that though the top income decile will see the largest amount of money taken from them on their pay packets, this is because they are earning more. This does not represent an equal distribution of the “pinch” when you consider that those on the bottom end of the income decile, though not contributing as much (as they don’t earn as much as those on the top decile) feel more of a pinch by the raise in VAT, freeze on public sector pay and freeze on benefits.

It doesn’t follow that since figure A has less on his income statement than last year, that figure A is feeling the pinch more than figure B, in fact the opposite is true. This does not represent everyone taking an equal hit. Until this is rectified, the coalition government’s budget plans are to progressive what Girls Aloud were to dignity.

The IT Crowd are back {TV}

The geeks are back! The IT Crowd, the award-winning sitcom written by Graham Linehan; co-writer of classics Father Ted, Black Books and Big Train; returns this Friday night on Channel Four and it’s as good as ever.

The series is about the basement-dwelling IT department of Reynholm Industries, a large company that does something that’s never explained in the show. Childlike Moss (Richard Ayoade) and his very slightly less socially inept colleague Roy (Chris O’Dowd) are managed by technophobe Jen (Katherine Parkinson), while the excellent Matt Berry is their boss, Douglas Reynholm. Unusually for a modern British sitcom, many of which have disposed of laughter tracks over the last decade, it is filmed in front of a live studio audience at Pinewood Studios. Since the first enjoyable but awkward first series, which featured Chris Morris in a regular role as the brilliantly-named Denholm Reynholm, the show has really found it’s feet and become one of the best comedy series of recent years. While it has enough references to computer jargon and internet memes keep hardcore geeks happy; particularly in the amazing set design, which you can see here; most of the clever, surreal humour can be enjoyed by anyone.

The first episode of the new series doesn’t disappoint. Titled ‘Jen the Fredo’, a reference Godfather II fans will recognise, it sees Jen take up the position of Entertainments Officer with the misconception that her role would involve planning trips to West End shows for boss Douglas Renholm’s sleazy business pals, rather than arranging the sort of “entertainment” they are used to. Of course, she ropes in Roy, upset after the breakdown of a long-term relationship, and Moss, currently obsessed with Dungeons and Dragons-style role playing games, to help out with the evening’s entertainment. Meanwhile, Douglas gets into trouble with some feminists (so, nothing new there).

Linehan’s writing and Ayoade’s performances have created one of the great sitcom characters in Maurice Moss, the lovably naive, pedantic nerd. The cast have really gelled and settled into their roles over the last three series, and here they are better than ever. There are some really funny moments throughout the episode, including Moss’ fantastic role-playing game and a scene that riffed further on the Godfather and showing some “Johns” a good time that deserved a bigger laugh. With future episodes this series featuring Moss making an appearance on the teatime words and numbers game Countdown, it looks like the quality of The IT Crowd is as good as ever and Channel Four’s decision to already commission a fifth series for next year was a wise one.

You can watch the first episode of series four of The IT Crowd this Friday night at 10pm on Channel Four, or watch it right now on channel4.com in a special early premiere.

The Great Welsh Summer {Ceri's Column}

God damn, my country is beautiful in the Sun. It turns even more verdant than it usually is, (that’s pretty fucking green, man) the jaw-droppingly beautiful beaches shine like strips of pure gold dust and flocks of people are to be seen out and about, smiling. We have great ice cream in my neck of the…uh…seaside, and everyone seems to be licking at a scoop or tree. Happy, bright, summertime Wales.

However…

There are a lot of burnt-up people all of a sudden. One teeny chink of sunlight squeezes trough the gloomy haze above and the nation’s pallid, goblin-like inhabitants all emerge from their pits to bask and… Immediately get charred. Ha ha ha.

The amount of legs, arms, backs, shoulders, chests and noses shining crimson I’ve seen in the last couple of days has been staggering. I’ve also marvelled at the scores of clammy people sporting a fetching, ghost-coloured patch of face-skin where Ray-Bans were nearly fused to their face. Nice.

Ah, it’s only because I’m jealous y’know. Procul Harum may well have had me in mind when writing “Whiter Shade of Pale”…who am I kidding, it was the 60’s! They had purple Hindu deities dancing with kaleidoscopic rhinos in their minds after all the acid…plus I wasn’t born yet. Well whatever, I am very white. And I guarantee that, despite all my sun-dodging attempts, there’ll be at least one occasion that I’ll be transformed to a gnarled half-man, half-crackling creature by the end August.

Most of you think of the smell of cut-grass when you think of summer. Not me. The stink of burger vans is also filling my nostrils when I think of summer, and do you know what? I like it. I have absolutely no idea why the whiff of blackened Grade F beef/bread/god-knows and slimy onions smothered in unnaturally yellow mustard makes me exclaim “Ah! Summer!” But it does. And I will consume at least one ill-advised artery-clogger of a burger by the time I have transformed into the gnarled half-man, half-crackling creature.

Shit. I’ll be turning into Gollum.

The Lost Art of The Handwritten Word

With current times giving us emails, texts, and instant messaging at home and on-the-go; the art of the handwritten word
has been lost. We have Blackberries and computers electronically telling us where we have to be and what we have to do. No longer do
we write our schedules in beautiful leather-bound diaries that we can keep and look back on for years to come.

It is time for us to appreciate the beauty of writing by hand; and the enjoyment that can be got from it.

Despite having a Blackberry and every other time-keeping and communications gadget our planet possesses, I insist on using a lovely floral hardback
diary. There is nothing quite so simple and enjoyable as turning the pages to see what the next week has in store, or neatly jotting in that
lunch date with a much loved friend.

The same with correspondance. Stationary can be such a lovely representation of who we are, and the buying of it opens up a whole new world of shopping.
Why type out an email thanking someone for a beautiful present, when you can write them a letter with your own hand?
It’s so much more personal, and the recipient will appreciate it all the more. I firmly believe in the power of the handwritten ‘Thank You’ note.

Debretts say that “Receiving a thoughtfully penned letter from a thoroughly modern girl should command delight. The impact is lost, however, if a piece
of photocopier paper with the scrawl of a biro is extricated from a business envelope featuring the logo of an employer. Every sophisticate should have a
stationary supply and stationary, like clothing, is an interface to personality.”

When writing a letter or card, it is good practice to always include your address; and your sign-off (e.g. Best Wishes) should, as Debretts instructs,
reflect your relationship with the recipient.

Smythson is one of my favourite stationary and diary suppliers. I love their Fashion Diary. Get the 2010 edition in stores now. Not only is it
a beautiful leather bound diary; but it will keep you in-the-loop with the all the major scheduled fashion events.

The website www.snowandgraham.com is another one of my favourite places to buy notecards and greetings card. There is something for everyone amongst
their stylish designs.

So, next time you are going out shopping, remember you’ve got something new to add to your list.

By Laura Pearson.

Inspire beyond fashion; how graduates are shaping fashion {Style}

June each year is guaranteed to mean one thing, students are finishing university and moving on to bigger and better ventures.

Lisa Shaw's Labrinth

One positive of this is the exploration of the talent which is developing on from study to real world. New talent can inspire and define generations. A fantastic example of this is the work which is produced by fashion graduates on a yearly basis, this work is exhibited at the Graduate Fashion Week which was recently held at London’s Earls Court.

Labyrinth (Inspiration)

The  creations seen here are varied, exciting and completely unique, the work is, in a lot of instances, the first collection produced by a designer who is on the verge of releasing their designs into the public scene. Members of the public, press and highly regarded designers and fashion companies are all present to pick out their favourites and push these to the forefront of the public eye.
One thing that is ultimately inspiring is the way in which designers, graduate and fully established ones, can take inspiration from anything seen in day to day life. Some examples of this are collections seen from Lisa Shaw was inspired by the 1986 film ‘The Labyrinth’, through exploring silhouettes and shapes from the film she recreated them to fit the ready-to-wear market.

JLH (Inspiration)

The JLH collection was inspired predominantly by the urban, hip hop graffiti scene on the Brooklyn Subway, combined with the smart work attire seen on the London Underground, produced a bold and vibrant work style collection.

JLH

This kind of inspiration can be used generally in day-to-day life. Rather than using things you see as inspiration to produce clothing, use it to inspire the way you style your look. In summer, when seeing the abundance of colourful flowers, translate to brightly coloured printed shirts, dresses and skirts. Look at architecture, bridges, buildings, structure and translate to body-con dresses or waist-belts to clinch in that hour glass figure.

Gemma McKay's Inspiration

When taking a sunny stroll (wishful thinking but a girl can dream), down the river or down the sand look to the fluidity of the water and discover flowing fabrics and loose fitting garments which complement this, Gemma McKay’s collection reflects this style.

Gemma McKay

The inspiration doesn’t need to be literal, work with whatever appeals to you and mix it into your own style, if you see something you like think what does that remind me of. Don’t just look to fashion for inspiration, style can be much more of a lifestyle choice. Depending on how brave you are this could even be taken as far as hair cuts or colours, if you see a section of colour this could become a streak in your hair.

If your not the most confident, work with it, wear something tamer but just make it your own, chuck on the favourite shoes and immediately its yours.
Don’t disappear into the crowd, stand out it, forget soft focus and make it your own.

by Jennie Higgins

Review: Plantzilla {TV Review}

UK PREMIERE & HD SIMULCAST / MONDAY 21ST JUNE AT 9PM   National Geographic Channel

I am a life-long fan of National Geographic so I apologise if the review seems biased in any way. Based on a film by Volker Artz and Immanuel Birmelin, Plantzilla is a fascinating and stimulating documentary on the life of Plants. It’s hard to watch a National Geographic documentary and not marvel at the wonders of nature. From the White collared pitcher plant in Borneo which can eat 6,000 insects in an hour ( would like it in my house frankly, no more insect problems!) to the Tobacco plants that attract Hawk moth caterpillars,that then devour their own body weight in tobacco, before the plant calls in the cavalry and it’s eaten by a Big eyed bug.

Although you learn so much watching this documentary it is never boring. Although slightly icky.
The camera work is amazing. The work that is put in, astounding. I now know all about the parenting skills of certain plants. Dandy Lions pack their kids off using the wind. The Squirting cucumber squirts them out at a fast intensity – it looks like an explosion. Then there is the wine grower that plays his plants classical music. This documentary has change the way I look at plants. They think, feel and smell. And if the scientists at New York University have anything to do with it, they will soon be talking too.

Voice Over Bill Paterson, a regular, is as good as ever. A great way to spend an evening in.

Wouldn’t it be great if houseplants could tell us when they needed feeding? Well students in New York have come a step closer, by putting sensors in potted plants so that they can literally phone home to ask for a drink! Such a system could be used in vineyards around the world to help with crop yields and is just one of the secrets revealed by scientists and experts in this absorbing film. Plants have thrived on Earth for millions of years and their remarkable sensory capabilities have helped them prosper – both as self-defence experts and resourceful predators. From the amazing acacia, which mobilises armies of ants to protect itself, to the carnivorous plants which use a range of sneaky tactics to ensnare their unsuspecting prey, find out how plants battle against the odds to continue their journey through life. Also featuring a look at the rise of human intervention and the potential impact of new technology on the future of farming, this captivating programme offers an insight into the unknown side of flora.

Stefans TV Picks; 21st June

Monday 21st – Five, 23:00
What happens when a crew of anonymous criminals is put together to pull off a perfectly planned bank heist, only for it to go horribly wrong with pretty gruesome results? Only Tarantino knows. The films that Quentin has released into the world have often been viewed as masterpieces but his 1992 breakthrough movie still stands out as one of the best. I am of course talking about Reservoir Dogs. With brilliant writing and outstanding camera work (tracking shots that rival Goodfellas’ restaurant entrance for all you movie buffs out there) Dogs is an absolute must!

Tuesday 22nd – E4, 22:30
Any fans of Family Guy will know that the last few seasons of a once great cartoon started to run dry. The creator/writer, Seth McFarlane, needed to come up with a new concept to save the franchise and so he gave us The Cleveland Show. A spin off from Family Guy, The Cleveland Show follows the adventures of long suffering character Cleveland Brown as he moves back to his hometown of Stoolbend, Virginia with his 14 year old son (who is constantly hopping between genius and idiot) and meets up with old friends and his highschool sweetheart. As part of E4’s Toonsday, they are showing the entire first season again, so make sure you catch the first episode and get reminded of what good cartoons are like and don’t worry about the danger of spin-offs, this is much more Frasier than Joey.

Wednesday 23rd – BBC 1, 14:15
I know, I know, not everyone is digging the football, but this is an important game. After Robert Greens terrible butter covered hands and last weeks game that made me realise that even someone like me could be a professional footballer, today’s Match of the Day Live will show the game that will decide whether England are in the rest of the tournament or not. As we face Slovenia I shall be wearing the three lions on my shirt, singing along to The Great Escape theme and asking all, even if they don’t like the game, to cross their fingers for our boys to win. EN-GER-LUUUUND EN-GUR-LUUUUND EN-GUR-LUUUUUND

Thursday 24th – BBC 4, 21:00
Ever since I’ve been a teenager I’ve loved the band The Eels. The creative force behind the band is that of lead singer Mark Oliver Everett known simply as E. Always one to shy away from the spotlight until he is on stage, in Parallel Worlds, Parallel Lives: Mark Everett we see a rare glimpse into the life and history of E as he travels America finding out more about his father, a genius who developed the theory of parallel universes, yet was unable to build a relationship with his son who saw him as a stranger with whom he lived. For fans of the band, Parallel Worlds will help identify the meaning behind E’s deeply personal lyrics, for those not familiar or who don’t like The Eels, this show will be like a brilliant version of Who Do you Think You Are!

Friday 25th – BBC 2, 21:00/Channel 4, 22:00
What’s all this then? Two selections? That is right my friends, a nice double bill for you tonight. Starting on BBC 2 in Are You Having A Laugh? David Walliams presents a documentary all about the use of disability in TV. With input from actors and comics including Stephan Merchant, Dom Joly and Ben Miller, we’ll see the attitude towards how disability has been portrayed over the years and how it has changed to become, sometimes questionably, used in comedy today. Straight after over on Channel 4 we have the glorious return of The I.T Crowd. The BAFTA award winning sitcom is back for season 4. Once again we shall get to join the (primarily basement situated) adventures of Moss, Roy and Jen. This week Jen decides she wants more from her job and applies as Entertainment Manager and asks the boys from I.T to help her find ways to amuse her boss’ business connections.

Saturday 26th – BBC 1, 18:05
His enemies have formed an alliance against him, his assistant has been shot, his Tardis has been destroyed, the stars are all going supernova and the Doctor is trapped in the Pandorica. The finale of Doctor Who promises to be action packed and full of answers to so many questions and my inner geek is waiting with huge anticipation for the last episode. Although after this I’m really not sure how I’m going to fill the hour between 6 an 7 on the following Saturday evenings!

Sunday 27th – E4, 23:00
This week opened with one of my favourite filmmakers and I felt it would be nice to close it with another, that filmmaker is Kevin Smith. Dogma (the fourth in Smith New Jersey Chronicles) tells the story of two angels, Bartleby and Loki (Ben Affleck and Matt Damon) who are trying to find a way back into Heaven after being banished for reasons including getting drunk and flipping God the bird, while Bethaney Sloane (Linda Fiorentino), after being given a Holy Quest by the angel Metatron, tries to stop them. It is as much a study in, and questioning of dogmatic faith as it is an outlet for Smiths love of dick and fart jokes. This was the first of his films I saw and instantly got me hooked on Smiths writing style and his returning characters Jay and Silent Bob. Cleverly written and thought provoking when your not laughing, Dogma shows the side of religion you never see in church.

My Story [DONOVAN]

Dear DONOVAN

What made you decide to be a comedian and where was your worst ever gig

Danny Cardiff

Hi Danny,

I started when I was 10! I was a very angry child and needed a source to vent that anger. I used to deliver TVs with my granddad’s friend but there was interference. So I stumbled along a working mens club in Swansea called ‘Penlan Anti-Social Club‘.

Every Wednesday I would perform 10 mins of shouting at the audience…and they loved it. Once they put me on as headliner to a racist ventriloquist and his pet duck Dingo McNeil.

I finally got enough cash to rent a small flat across the road which I shared it with my girlfriend at the time; A pole dancer called Crystal Cleavage. I was 12.

My big break didn’t come till I was 16 I went to watch Bobby Davro at the Grand Theatre Swansea. Half way through the first half his left leg suddenly fell off, the audience had no idea he was an amputee! He had kept it from the lime light all those years. He was too embarrassed to go back on, so, sensing a stampede of angry fans about to occur I ran onto the stage and started singing the theme from the Andrew LLoyd Webber musical Whistle Down the Wind. The audience stopped in amazement, they sat back down in cannon, I had them in the palm of my hand…Davro winked at me from the wings and said “your doing good kid” I shouted back “Fuck off you one legged liar” Davro became my mentor we toured together…him in the shadows keeping out of the public eye and me getting the laughs. But In 2007 I got a phone call “I’m leaving you….I have been approached by Eastenders” He said nervously.

I told him he Was a C*NT!! and If he took it I never wanted to see him or his stump again…he took it. ….where is he now eh? Crying somewhere that’s where.

There is my story, who cares what you think.

DONOVAN