Tag Archives: Reality TV

IAN WATSON. THIS WEEKS REALITY

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The Voice ReviewIt’s getting to that time isn’t it? Our reality TV avalanche is thundering along merrily, wiping all before it away like a spitty hankie on an ice cream covered toddler.
The problem is… like that toddler, we were enjoying that ice cream and having it replaced with parental gob whether we want it or not can be a bit distressing.

I don’t watch TOWIE, or MIC or GS because, well, I just can’t. It’s a physical reaction like when my sphincter tries to run up inside my body and hide behind my kidneys when I watch Embarrassing Bodies. My reaction to watching the semi-real but still nut-crushingly mundane lives of ‘some people’ gets me so angry I nearly ate my own chin when a BAFTA- that’s right a f*****G BAFTA! Was handed out to these vacant lots in the name of entertainment.

I can’t live with that level of anger in my life. That’s how wars start.

I can watch EB, albeit lying like an ironing board and peering through the fingers of one hand, because it’s incredibly educational, gripping and necessary. A frank program about medical taboos is long overdue and I applaud the makers and those brave enough to get their hair and make-up done and wave at the kids down the lens just before it pulls focus on their knotted labia. I can just imagine the conversation when they return to an angry child who believed a close-up of their mothers cervix was a once-in-a-lifetime deal.

I can of course, watch talent shows.

Presently we have, BGT, The Voice and The Apprentice. I’m putting the latter in the list of ‘talent’ because it stopped being anything to do with serious business about eight seconds after the first candidate spoke at the start of series two. Now it’s all about who can be the biggest moron and prove, beyond any doubt at all, that the ability to proclaim yourself almost god-like is so easy even a halfwit who can’t do basic sums can do it as long as they’re wearing a suit.
They talk ‘Branson’, they walk ‘Branston’ (thick, made almost entirely of vegetable matter and, in Luisa’s case, goes down well after a little pork).

So that leaves us with BGT and The Voice- what a choice (poetry comes as standard).

We’re about to head into the live finals of both. Jessie’s hair is about to disappear like the promises of stardom she doles out to everyone and Uncle Tom is, perhaps, finally going to stand up, point at Will and shout, “What is he saying?”
For a while it looked like some musical theatre bods were actually going to get the chance to be voted for by real people but a quiet word on Will’s ear had him yanking the handbrake and sending the clearly better Liam home and illustrating that the only keys he understands are on the keyboard of his ‘autotune-o-gram’ [dope edition].

Over on BGT, or Simon’s private fluffer auditions as it’s veered dangerously towards becoming, we witnessed a scene that took me back to my days of working at a Blackpool nightclub in the 80s. Loads of badly dressed under-aged hopefuls waiting hours just to be sent home… and a couple of drag queens.

So all in all, the search for actual talent seems pretty hopeless. Getting through on BGT is easier than beating Mr. Chips off ‘Catchphrase’ at poker… “Hmmm, he seems to be sitting on a toilet and wearing a crown… I think I’ll fold!” And getting through to the finals of The Voice is easy as long as you sound like you smoke thirty a day and desperately want to be Ed Sheeran or Adelle and have never even hummed the melody to “I Dreamed a Dream.”

BGT live finals start tonight and run every night till it’s all over and Sico Productions can buy another country but we’ll have to endure another 7 shows spread over several weeks before we get to see who will be crowned winner of The Voice and guaranteed anonymity forever more. Could you pick Leanne Mitchel out of a crowd? Nope, me neither.

Oh well, if it all ends up being one big vacuous cloud of hype in the name of ratings at least they’ll be able to walk into any lead role in the West End, aint that right Jessie?

Caggie Dunlop On Spencer, Music and The Kardashians.

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Caggie Dunlop and Catherine Balavage

I met Caggie Dunlop at the W Hotel for a VIP screening of the short film she is starring in for Impulse’s new fragrance ‘Loving Words’, which smells amazing and you can read about here. I had a brilliant, fun chat with Caggie. She is the kind of girl who you feel would make a brilliant friend: lovely, smart and talented. After the interview has finished Caggie says that our interview was the best of the evening. Shucks: thanks Caggie.

Catherine Balavage: You must be very proud of the film.

Caggie Dunlop: Yeah, I am really proud of it. I actually only saw it for the first time this evening just before everyone arrived so I was a bit nervous, but I really loved it. I thought it was great. I think it is a lovely story

Quite French

Very French. Well that’s the theme and my styling is very Brigitte Bardot. I think that really lends well to it.

What is your favourite film?

True Romance.

What are you wearing? You look Stunning.

Virgos Lounge. They are an online store which is kind of vintage inspired. They do really pretty little dresses. And this is from my clothing line. [points to necklace].

You are really branching out into different areas: you have a sex column for the Evening Standard, you have the clothing line, and the acting.

And music.

Yes, that is how we first saw you wasn’t it?

Yeah, I have a lot going on, but I am not doing the Evening Standard anymore. It was very fun doing it but I am not doing it anymore.

It was very Carrie Bradshaw

Yeah, and it was great and it was fun playing that role but I really think music is where I want to go.

What would you choose between singing and acting?

Everyone asks me this. It is like saying ‘choose between your mum and your dad’, but in terms of career I don’t know, but if you said to me: ‘you could never sing again’ I would have to choose that over acting because I love singing. It just makes me happy to sing on my own. It came about quite randomly. When I sang on the show that was the first time I had ever sang in public. I have had to decide what I really want to do.

How was the acting experience?

I went to drama school and I studied acting so for me it was kind of what I wanted to do, and then when Made in Chelsea came along I got side-tracked from the acting because that was what was available to me at that point in time. The acting world is quite a tricky one. You really have to work it out. I had a great opportunity on Made in Chelsea. The acting is definitely something I want to go back to.

What does your Tattoo mean?

Sanatana Jiva. It means the never-ending and the never beginning spirit, and this [points to tattoo, specifically to the ‘J’ bit] this was for a boy who I’m not seeing anymore! [No!] It’s fine, I’m not bothered. It’s a nice tattoo.

Are you seeing anyone now?

No. I am very very spinster single

Aw, you are too young to be a spinster.

I’m happy being single.

You have so much going on with your career….

Yeah, it’s kind of like I need to focus on that at the moment and I don’t have time to focus on a relationship unless I find someone who has a complete understanding about what I am doing.

What is your clothing line called?
ISWAI. [Spells it out] I.S.W.A.I.

How did you come up with the name?

It’s an acronym for ‘It Started With an Idea’. The idea of it is about starting something new and organic with new talent, so young designers who are at school or university are designing the clothes. They get involved and hen they design an idea that I give them.

It that your motto in life?

I think so, yeah. It’s a very good one. It’s a more business thing. Though maybe not in an ethical situation.

You were the first one to leave Made in Chelsea

Yes I was

You were the biggest star and the main focus. Do you think it was a good idea to leave?

Leaving? A lot of people would argue that ‘why would you leave something when you were the central character and it was at its height of popularity and you just walk away from it with no explanation’. For me I stopped believing in what the show was about. It was a very good opportunity but I always wanted to do different things. I am very grateful for what it gave me and what I gained from it. Now I can go and become my own person.

It really has an effect on your own life and that’s not necessarily a good thing.

A lot of people are leaving now. Hugo’s leaving.

Yeah, Hugo’s leaving. I don’t know how much longer it will last but I wasn’t enjoying it and my heart wasn’t in it anymore and if something doesn’t feel right you have to go with your gut.

Would you do anymore reality TV like Spencer is doing with The Bachelor?

I would never do anything like that show. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with Spencer doing it. We are very different people, but I actually value my privacy. That could be considered a ridiculous thing to say coming from a reality TV show. I would never close any doors but it’s not in my plan. If it was something more documentary, like my music, something like that.

Who is your favourite film director and if you could work with any director who would it be?

Woody Allen or Tarantino. I think that would be a pretty crazy experience.

Did you enjoy making the film?

Yeah, I enjoyed making the film. We had to do it in a day, and it was a full on day. It was raining really badly but morale was up.

Do you have any plans to go the Hollywood Route?

I haven’t been to LA yet. So I can’t really say whether I would end up there. Watch this space. Maybe in a few years time.

Do you think doing Made in Chelsea helped you learn how to be in front of a camera?

Yes, I mean I studied method acting so it was all about being private in public. With Made in Chelsea you are having very private moments with five cameras on you. It is more staggered than people imagine. If you know anything about filming you know that you can’t create those scenes just by us walking into a bar and following us. It is all quite organised. In that sense it was helpful but then reality TV doesn’t really help in acting. It’s probably more acceptable in America.

Do you watch any reality TV like Keeping Up With The Kardashians?

I do, I love the Kardashians. I am so excited. Has the new season started now?

I think so. I saw a poster.

I do love that and I like the American ones. I don’t really like the English ones.

What do you think of Kim dating Kanye West? Are they a good couple?

I think they are. It’s nice that they were friends for ages. They are the ultimate power couple.

They are.

I’m surprised but they seem really into each other.

What’s next for you?

I am realising an EP hopefully in September. So I am developing that at the moment, which is really exciting, because for once I am in the public eye for something that I am putting out. The music is taking centre stage at the moment, but I would love to do some short films on the side and slowly developing that on the side.

Grabbing it with both hands.

Exactly, you only have one life.

What are your musical influences?

Ah, I listen to a lot of Matt Corby, who is this Australian singer who is very singer/songwriter: guitar and vocals, but also there is something quite challenging about his music, it’s really quite beautiful. I also love Jessie Ware. I have been listening to her a lot.

Do you still spend a lot of time in Chelsea?

Yeah. I was in Sloane Square today. I do spend a lot of time there, but because of what I am doing I am kind of all over. If I am gigging [ I could be in] Manchester or Shoreditch. I do love Chelsea.

Who is your favourite actor and actress?

Michael Fassbender in terms of actual ability. I think he is amazing. In terms of who I fancy: Ryan Gosling, but he is also a very good actor. He is a bit more mainstream. An actress…who was the girl who was in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

Noomi Rapace

Yeah, her. I watched that for the first time the other day and I was blown away by it.
She’s brilliant.

She is fantastic. She was in Prometheus too.

No! She’s not! I was watching an interview with her and she was talking about how Ridley Scott picked her, and she said something about the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I was thinking ‘why has he picked this random women? ‘

She’s brilliant.

Yeah, She’s fantastic.

Are you going to do anymore writing?

Not in that nature. I would like to write a poetry book which is half poetry, half what is was like growing up. I’ve written poetry since I could write so I have volumes of poetry. Poetry is such an under-rated thing.

How do you keep fit?

I am quite bad. I go through phases of being hard-core. There is a place on the Fulham Road that I have joined called Lomax. I go there and they kick your ass, but in a good way.

What beauty products do you like.
Loving Word by Impulse, Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream.

Hugo Taylor To Leave Made in Chelsea.

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Hugo Taylor has decided to leave Made In Chelsea as he is “too old”. He says that the show works better when young people are on it.

The 26-year-old told Now Magazine: ”I worry about it every day. It’s one of my main motivations for not doing a reality show anymore.

”I often look at what I’ve done and think, ‘S**t, did I completely sell out?’ Staying on ‘Made In Chelsea’ and bitching about the colour of someone’s dress has started to become unimportant to me.

”I’m 26 – the show works better with people under 24. It becomes harder to do these shows as you get older. I started thinking I need to do something credible that I’m proud of.”

He also said he was worried about being branded a reality TV star. The PR man is leaving the Channel 4 reality show, but admitted it was a risk.

”I’m quitting. It’s a big gamble but I think I might have outgrown the show. Originally the producers only wanted me as a peripheral character and that’s all I wanted to contribute.

”I could wind up having absolutely everything or I could end up with nothing. But I’ve become lazy and comfortable on the show.”

Kimberley is also leaving after being thrown off by producers due to bad behaviour. She threatened them with a lawyer as she did not like how she was being edited.

The Voice Week 7

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LIVE, LIVE, LIVE! The BBC love a bit of LIVE don’t they? They spend so much money sending people out to report LIVE for no reason whatsoever because they just can’t get enough of it. Some poor, soaked and miserable journo has to stand outside the houses of parliament to talk about a politician who’s not only not there but is watching at home from the comfort of his own gimp mask.

Why? We know what the houses of parliament look like! Just do it from the studio and save our license fee a few quid.

“NO!” Auntie Beeb would reply, “We are the BBC and we do live TV, reasons are for commercial channels!”
Well, you’d think they’d at least be good at it, wouldn’t you?

At the very least they’d drop this ridiculous pretense of , “what a great show last night was” for the results show even though EVERYONE knows it was filmed on the Saturday. They get away with it on Strictly because… well it’s Strictly, but this is meant to be a slicker than snot, smoother than the cream in Simon Cowell’s Twinkie, all singing (no dancing) flagship live broadcast to put them on top of the global talent show pile.

Will someone please just admit it’s filmed right after the live show and be done with it? These contestants are already way out of their league just by being asked their name so expecting them to remember to lie to 11 million people is asking too much, and all that , “err… yeah, last night was great! (wink, wink)” rubbish makes it look like Wayne’s World.

Last week’s Live final was roundly criticized by pretty much everyone with a keyboard. The production was stilted and awkward. There was more dead air than a séance and the whole thing had the feel of a corporate training weekend where unwilling participants who, would rather be at the bar, have to stand up and ‘tell the group’ about themselves.

This week they responded by pulling it off with a touch more professionalism but it was still way short of the mark.

Now, I’m no fashionista, as anyone who has ever seen me will contest. In fact I get snotty looks from the old ladies in ‘Age Concern’ and was actually paid to leave Abercrombie & Fitch to spare the screams of the models that work there, in spite of it being too dark for even ‘Most Haunted’ to see anything. But I have to ask what was going on with the wardrobe department?

Billy Piping’s jacket was yet another variation on the same thing he’s never seen without. He looked like and extra from TRON and I’m sure he’s flogging them out of a van in the BBC car park. Jessie J was in her grandma’s pajamas and feint uncle Tom was still waiting for someone to colour him in.

Even the contestants weren’t spared the horrors of ‘S.Wonder &Co’ (“ We guess- You dress”) in the dressing rooms.

Poor Ruth- Ann was thrown into a neon metallic blue jump suit from 1976. I couldn’t help wondering if Sheila Fergusson of the 3 degrees wasn’t at home rummaging through an old suitcase with the sneaking suspicion something was missing. She didn’t sing well, but then again she never does. It’s a bit much of the live finals of a talent contest when you get a standing ovation from your coach for, “Singing a whole song, in tune, and smiling!” Jeepers! Someone book this genius a stadium tour immediately!
Vince Kidd, whose weight was quadrupled to 8 stone when he put his chains on came out looking like he was going to sing, ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and Toni looked… well, to be honest I have no idea what she was wearing because I’m constantly mesmerized by her head whenever she’s on stage. She has a very strong bone structure too, which doesn’t help because for an attractive woman, and she’s certainly
attractive, she can come over a bit ‘Zelda’. If there’s one glaring wardrobe requirement in the whole production it must be to put something on her head, surely, if not just for the cameraman’s sake. The lens flare from her scalp must be like filming a solar eclipse if she stands in the wrong place.

Holly looked very nice, but then she’s clearly some kind of angel and incapable of being anything but heavenly, and she was a little more relaxed about the in-betweeny bits where she has to draw blood from the stony judges and overly emotional contestants.

This week she stopped short of adopting everyone who got rejected and blubbing into her cleavage. She even opened with the classic, “What will you be looking for tonight Will?” And I half expected him to reply,

“Somewhere to plug my iphone charger in.”

I suspect this subtle shift in attitude came about because someone high up in the BBC had been reading the reviews and sent a memo.

The memo should have been along the lines of, ‘Stop being so nice and giving everyone who manages to crawl on stage a standing ovation. We paid a fortune for those spinning chairs, and your opinions- use them both with greater effect!’

But what it probably said was something far more vague and open to interpretation because what we actually got was judges- sorry, ‘coaches’, avoiding anything like real criticism or, for that matter, a language spoken by humans and swapped some of their vacuous praise for just babbling like a Tasmanian devil, mid-exorcism.

At one point Will had to correct Jessie for saying’ boom’ when, of course, it should have been ‘zoom’ (everyone knows that, right?) and I seriously suspected they’d been sharing a back-stage ‘doobie’ with Derren Brown and Paul McKenna. He even threw a ‘knock- knock’ joke in there which nobody but him was aware of and so it took about half an hour and no small amount of TV agony to get to the end of and even THAT got a standing ovation from Danny!

It was to young Aleks who had just crooned his way onto the next round. Again, the praise was way over the top and everyone said that it had effectively ended Michael Buble’s career. Really? Some kid built like a finger puppet can come on and blow his way through one song, and suddenly the biggest selling male artist on the planet is yesterdays chips?

I suspect a slightly stronger memo might be in order.

All in all, there was some redeeming quality. Max was fantastic and so was Bo, who Danny was extremely proud of choosing for his team, (yes, well done Danny, you’re an excellent Bo Selector.. sorry) and the right people went home so all the frailty of the BBC’s dedication to bad live TV was forgotten for another week… well, not really, because The Voice was followed by ‘Planet Earth Live’ which was just about the most pointlessly live thing I’ve seen since Frankenstein’s Monster.

Oh well, see you next week and remember, if you can stomach it, and if I can get to a TV on time, you can follow my live tweets @MrIanWatson during next week’s show.

The Voice. Week 6. The live shows

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Finally! We can drop the whole, “We’re not the X-Factor. Honestly!” nonsense and get down to a reality sing-off that resembles reality. The good old BBC decided, of course, to do things a little differently though by just having two teams battle it out instead of all four.
Why might this be, I wonder? Surely, in the interests of fairness, everyone sings and everyone gets compared to everyone else- right?

I suppose the Beeb would argue that having twenty acts (I refuse to call them ‘voices’- you know why) singing a song each would make too long a show but Th’exfactor manages it with sixteen and they have commercial breaks to contend with.

It just seemed a bit odd.

This format basically allows all those poor deluded punters who literally can’t watch a program without picking up their phone, to vote four times as often. Think about it. What if your favorite wasn’t on tonight? Do you wait for them to appear next week and just try to enjoy this week’s show without a recorded voice thanking you on one ear? Hell no! You gotta vote, right? Pick another favorite and vote for them- go on! And remember, it’s just within each team so you’d better vote twice!
And what about the acts themselves? The weaker ones have had their chances of survival quadrupled from 20-1 to 5-1 in a stroke!

“Only two teams will compete this week and someone from each team is going home.” No matter what, so the weakest from a strong team will go even though they’re better than someone from another team who stays.

On ITV it’s a free-for-all and the act with the least votes goes home. It doesn’t matter which team they’re on.

I don’t want to get bogged down in the format but it STILL feels like they’re making rules up just to be different.

This week we had Team Will against Team Tom. Team Jones would have been a better name but that would have meant they were against Team ‘i.am’ and I think there’s already a pet food manufacturer sponsoring a bunch of tabbies with that name and we all know what a nightmare that can be. Just ask ‘Rhythmix- sorry, Little Mix.’

I’d hate to see a gang of highly trained pets who jump through hoops and roll over for treats having their name taken away because of… a load of cats.

Now don’t get me wrong. I was relieved that the wise old general public were allowed to take the wheel at last and do the right thing for a change. Until, that is. I saw Joelle standing there in the last two next to Sophie while Tyler returned, unchallenged, to his wind tunnel. At least she went through, and quite right too, but in the other camp we were left with cartoon Sam and Mattsuleen (I’m seeing them as one person now- it’s easier to think like uncle Tom that way) who are probably chuffed to get through in spite of missing out on this week’s goat sacrifice back at the ‘henge’.

Neither are as good as Sophie, I think, and yet this weird ‘team’ setup means they didn’t compete with her anyway.

The low number of songs meant a lot of filling was needed and Holly, bless her, try as she might to get anything like a decent conversation going, ended up wilting under the strain and held the microphone so low while Adam Isaac droned on about his ‘chipped bone’ in his arm that she almost gave him curvature of the spine to go with it.

It was sweet to see Tom filling up when he had to dismiss Sam but it was ok because Sam had been consoled by the overly emotional Holly just long enough for him to curb his bitterness in a final confusing flourish of, “I’m really gutted… but happy too.” Which was his way of telling Tom he’d had enough time in the arms of his first non-inflatable blonde to reflect on his dismissal and will, in fact, forgive him and not nail his quiff to the gates of Castle Sexbomb (Motto: Lie Bach and Prestatyn) after all.

Tom managed to pull his hard-assed, “look, boyo, it’s life. Someone’s gotta go and I’m afraid it’s you” act out of the bag in between a mere dozen ways to describe how ‘hard a decision’ it was, but Will bottled it!

When it came time to ditch Sophie he crumbled and basically promised her a recording contract regardless of being told, in no uncertain terms, that she was about as popular with the British public as Nick Griffin. (Not true of course, she’s a lovely and talented young lady with a bright future, I’m sure).

“Don’t worry, me and Dante and all my team will give you whatever you want.” He said, and I’m pretty sure he meant it so fair play to Willy, but as the weeks roll on and eliminations of more talented people than poor Sophie pile up, his other ‘team’ are going to wish he’d be a lot less sweet and a lot more ‘Sugar’ and just fire people without promising them their own pod with the ‘Peas’.
In the end, of course, the public did mostly the right thing and the eventual winners, Jaz and Ruth went through.

Next week it’s Danny against Jessie where I imagine the other Ruth will be given a series of golden envelopes and told to pick a key to avoid, Vince will be backed by the rest of the Lost Boys and Becky Hill will threaten to glass everyone in the country if they don’t vote for her.
Should be fun! Can’t wait.

I will be tweeting, live, through next week’s shows so join me @elywhitley… if you dare.

The Voice. week 5- BATTLES!

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Before you ask, yes I have watched both ‘battle rounds’ of The Voice this weekend. Anyone who was on twitter, and if you weren’t then it’s probably time to pull the red chord and get the nurse to tell you what it is, will know that I was tweeting my bitchy little bum off through both shows.
Even though I watched all forty acts battle it out, I was painfully aware of the utter nonsense of this ‘battle’ format by the end of the third bout.


Let’s get it said shall we? Whoever designed this part of the show needs sending to ITV, or Channel five at a push, to design and extreme version of ‘Celebrity Naked Big Brother in the Jungle with Robots and Fire’ and never be allowed near a singing competition again- ANY singing competition!
Even the X-Factor wouldn’t have allowed this pointless, counter-intuitive, and self destructive idea off someone’s drool-laminated iPad and into the production offices.
The reasons why this is about as far removed from finding , “The Voice” (a title I’m having to check is still in place with every passing minute) as the This Morning prize question is from Mastermind are almost too many to list but let’s just look at it in simple terms.
We’re looking for ‘The Voice’, right? OK, so, regardless of any mistakes made getting to this point let’s at least move forward with that premise in mind.
We’ve got four different ‘coaches’ from different genres and generations of music- ok, well then it makes sense that each should have a team that represents their music.
Jessie J can represent independent modern funky girls. Danny, the indie singer-songwriter boys. Will.D.Beast can coach hip-hop and R’n’B types, and Tom can handle the big divas and the crooners. If we really HAVE to have some kind of battle then it should at least be team against team, Like ‘Top Trumps’, right?
No? Well it was just a thought. It took me about as long as it took to type and it’s still miles better than what we ended up with.
Ok, how about this. We have 40 acts- can’t call them voices because there are two pairs in there- don’t ask! How about we pick the best twenty to go through?
I know it sounds simple but that’s logic for you. It may be almost insultingly obvious, like giving a team talk that goes, “How about we try and win this game?” Or Maximus from ‘Gladiator’ ditching his, “you’re already dead” battle cry in favour of , “Kill those guys and try not to get killed yourselves, Ok? Now off you go!” But I really feel someone at the BBC needs sitting down with an adult and talking to.
You’d think that taking the best singers on to the next stage would be the starting point of any elimination round- kind of the whole point in fact.
Not on The Voice! Oh no sir! I bet Kerry Ellis, Nathan James and all the other professionals with their dignity still safely intact must have watched this weekend’s shows with enormous relief. Like seeing a news report that the train they missed that morning has been held up by Mexican bandits and the passengers have been forced to suck smoothies through the bandits’ underpants at gunpoint.
There were times I couldn’t look and others I couldn’t listen either.
Some will argue that it makes good TV. They’d be right. I was gripped but for the wrong reasons. Embarrassing Bodies is un-missable TV but they don’t call it , “The Arse” and claim it’s a search for the Britain’s best colon do they?
It was meant to be filled with a kind of ‘rumble in the jungle’ tension. A ‘sing in the ring’ if you will. It was more like ‘shout through a bout’ in some cases and the whole thing became more like Thunderdome. I half expected Tina Turner to be Tom Jones’ assistant and start calling him ‘raggedy man’ while the crowd chant for blood and throw weapons in to mix it up a bit.
Instead we got Cery’s ‘one-yard-stare’ Matthews for Tom, and Dante Santiago for Will who said that the first two girls, Joelle and Jenny were two of the ‘illest’ singers in the competition. Before they could misunderstand him and go for a lie down in spite of feeling fine, he went on to shoot himself straight in the foot by then saying he wanted them to be, “simple, natural… like Michael Jackson” at which point you could hear people spitting tea over themselves on every street in the country.
Being incredibly cool myself and, in fact, being so far down with the kids I need a CRB check whenever I leave the house, I knew exactly what Dante meant and he was right. These two girls were two of the best singers in the whole thing and yet here we were, choosing to get rid of one of them because…. Because? Anyone?
“You two are so similar, I only have room for one of your kind in my team.” Danny told Bill and Max before they went on.
It’s not Noah’s Ark Danny! You don’t have to collect one of every species mate!
Bill, like Jenny before him, was sent home in the sure knowledge that someone far less talented than him would go through. I agree that Max was the better out of the two but that should never have been the choice in the first place. Like Danny said, “The UK are thinking I’m an idiot for putting these two together” but it’s worse than that. He had no choice.
This format forced him to put them together because he could hardly have put the five weakest against the five strongest to be sacrificed in the ring could he?
This format is responsible for Bill going home and Sam Buttery (real name- honest) going through. Sam, the love child of Timmy Mallet and Dom Jolly, is clearly a lovely guy. I’d have him round for tea any day, but ‘The Voice’ he aint.
There were far too many examples of good singers going home. Lindsey Butler went home and so did Vince Freeman while Ruth-Ann ‘it’s-in-there-somewhere’ St. Luce and Matt ‘the Wookie’ and Suleen went through to the live finals where their ‘stories’ will almost certainly be wrung dry in shameless vote-garnering just like every other shallow, American-style reality show.
It’s just ridiculous!
When I heard about ‘The Voice’ I was expecting something from the BBC of the calibre of Strictly Come Dancing. Filled with genuine judgment of actual ability and packed with integrity where, when the public get a little carried away with voting for a Sergeant, or a Widdecombe, they’re told by Len Goodman- now come on folks, enough of this silliness, this is a serious competition!
Watching ‘The Voice’ this weekend was more like watching Robot Wars than Strictly. Does anyone have Len’s number by any chance? It’s not too late.

 

 

 

The Voice. Week 2

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This week we saw The Voice settle into it’s boots a bit more and start to look, to me, more like the program it isn’t, but at least a program I can get into.

If you’re going to review a series then not liking it from day one is like deciding to run the London Marathon dragging a sled full of naked women. You know you’re making life hard for yourself and you can’t get away from it so at least turn around and enjoy the view.

That’s what I’ve had to do and I did it by subtly adjusting my definition of the show’s premise. The Voice isn’t about finding the best voice they can. It’s about finding the best act they can develop from just THE VOICE.

So rather than being all about vocal ability and singing skills, it’s just the same as the other shows like X-Factor or American Idol, but the job of the judges is made harder through handicapping.

I still don’t believe it’s fairer, as so many fans have said, because at the end of the day they’re looking for an act- not a voice. So it just means that when they hear, for instance, Matt and Suleen [the fact that they’ve allowed a couple on to sing together in itself destroys the show’s over-stated premise] they might imagine ‘The Carpenters’. When they turn around and see it’s actually ‘The Carpeted’ they’re already committed.

‘Exactly!” I hear you cry- that’s fairer than someone who looks like Leona Lewis getting the spot light even though they’re as flat as Denise Lewis. Yes, it is, except that doesn’t happen does it? If Leona Lewis, who has a better voice than anyone that’s been picked for any of the teams so far, looked like a bull mastiff  in a wind tunnel then I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be the star she is today. To be a real success in their business you need to look as good as you sound if you’re not absolutely incredible at singing.

Now, before anyone throws SUBO at me (again) I understand that, in those very rare exceptions where the combination of massive popular support, a great (not my opinion) voice and the right channel for milking the crap out of every land line in the country come together to create the perfect money-making storm, looks can be ignored.

We haven’t got a Susan or a Leona on here and, lest we all forget, this is the BBC.

Glasgow grannie, and Playmate of the Month 1965 compared to Ms. Boyle, Barbara came on and sang Wild Horses in a blatant attempt at becoming ‘SUBO II- This time you probably would’ but her voice wasn’t earth shattering- good, great in bits even, but not, as Tom Jones of all people put it, “As strong as Aretha.” What was that Tom? Are there two Arethas out there or have you got a relative called Etha who sings in pubs? I was eating a grape at the time, alone. I could have died Tom! Performing the Heimlich maneuver on yourself is nigh on impossible!

As if to make my point far more succinctly than my ramblings ever could, Barbara was followed by Kerry Ellis.

The star of the West End and Broadway and someone who’s face appeared in my mind, and possibly some of yours, when I heard the show’s title for the first time, was next on… and then she wasn’t. Hang on!

We get to  see Kerry talking about risk and then we cut to a shelf stacker called David.

You don’t suppose they might be building us up for a bit of tension do you?

David sang very well. I loved his voice and his version of ‘Man who can’t be moved’ almost stopped me screaming stuff about singing judges songs.

Again, the experience was tainted for me by the insistence on telling us all how he’d quit his job so he too was taking a huge risk. He was stacking shelves not piloting the space shuttle. I know times are hard and even I can’t get a job, but shelf stacking is the kind of career you can afford to take a bit of time off from. ‘You quit your job? No way! You crazy maverick son of a gun! You’ve sweated blood working your way up to ‘frozen foods’ and then turned your back on it all for the chance to sing!’

That’s another thing. Don’t you find it uncanny how they just happen to crowbar the big important question in there? It’s not as blatant as watching someone backstage crying over a broken heart and then walking out to be asked by Simon Cowell, ‘so tell us a little bit about your love life’ completely out of the blue, but when Danny suddenly decided to ask 16 year old Goth Holly how old she was I swear I heard a tiny voice shouting ‘Age! Age! Ask her age! Quick!’ into his earpiece.

Tom said he thought David was a girl, then again he also said he thought Vince Kidd was two people and that Matt and Suleen were one. I don’t mean to be unkind but, looking at them, I thought Vince wasn’t even one and Matt and Suleen were nearer three.

Then Kerry comes on- the VT is all about how nervous she is (in spite of having sold out the Royal Albert Hall).

She goes on, she sings ‘Son of a Preacher Man’. Nobody turned around. Maybe she’d have been better with a Bonnie Tyler number? Tom tells her she’s already made it so it’s no biggie and Billiam tells her she was phenomenal- nothing new there. Then we get an insight into what game we’re watching. Jessie, like a nightclub bouncer, says there’s only ‘ten people’ allowed, and Danny says he’s looking for a specific type of girl singer. Sorry? What?

Afterwards, as we’re growing to understand how the mechanics of the show really work and that these judges are not only hamstrung but forced to gamble and, therefore, make huge mistakes like this, we get to hear Tom telling the viewing public directly something like, “You see? She’s an established star and she didn’t get picked! It just goes to show how tough it is with so many great singers!”

Well it would be if there were Tom but give me Kerry over ALEKS (yes, that’s how he spells it) and I might believe you.

Little Aleks was cheeky and nice enough to listen to but I doubt three seconds is long enough to really judge anyone’s voice and yet Bill was spinning like a top before he’d cleared his throat. Again, the backstory was all about how he’s a bit of a romantic and the ladies love him. Low and behold, he’s got Jessie on stage and he’s trying for a kiss… I really should get those odds through any day now.

Other contestants came and went, as they tend to. The pattern seems to be, if William likes you he pretty much offers you a record deal there and then and a world tour, in spite of the fact that only one act can win. Danny tells everyone he picks that they’re going to win (see above). Jessie, gorgeous and genuinely funny though she is, seems to have her Lycra suppliers on standby in case one of her catch phrases sticks and they can go into print before start of business the next day. As for Tom, well he gets his own little five minute name-drop game with Billy boy played on a loop. It’s now called ‘Jacko Verses Elvis Time’ because I doubt they were mentioned this much when they were alive.

Don’t get me wrong. For every “How come she’s gigging all over the country in pubs and clubs if she’s only sixteen?” I also had a smile on my face. I love the chemistry between the judges. Jessie is like a female Robbie Williams, a natural comic and totally relaxed with an audience. Will.I.AM is also a good laugh. I like his humour. Like I said last week, The BBC have really pulled it out of the bag in picking these four and, to be honest, it’s this that is keeping me hooked.

My fear comes when we see the final teams and realize none of them would make it to the live finals of American Idol and we need the judges to really sell this show. Without the hype-building skills of American networks or even ITV and with the need to maintain a little decorum on behalf of the license fee payers, we might end up with something caught out by its own premise. We shall see.

Millie Mackintosh and Professor Green Have a Twitter Spat.

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Millie Mackintosh launches The Incredible Body for Umberto Giannini, and her boyfriend is not happy.

Millie Mackintosh, from Made In Chelsea, has become the first star from the reality show to
use her new-found fame to tie up an amazing contract with top hair care brand Umberto
Giannini. Millie plays a super sexy femme fatale in a graphic online novel; The Incredible
Body, which launches Umberto Giannini’s new hair care range. Her boyfriend had something to say about it though!

The interactive, black and white novel, set in London, shows Millie as a hyper-glamourised
version of herself with killer hair and an attitude to match. The narrative plays out as a
stunning, highly stylised, 1950s influenced interactive graphic novel where every frame has a
detail of movement.

The Incredible Body, developed using the popular blogging platform, Tumblr, brings Millie
and her desires to life, allowing the viewer to live and share every moment. Millie said: “The
character in this video was great fun to act. It felt really sexy to play the “femme fatale” role!
I love the film noir, 1920’s feel to it all and think it captures the glamorous essence of the
Incredible Body range perfectly”

The video is available at incrediblebody.co.uk

Umberto Giannini’s ethos of No Plain Janes has been at the basis of the graphic online novel.
They believe in bringing high-end hair and beauty styling to the high street – taking the art of
glamour from the few to the many. Umberto Giannini create products that help the user to
master the art of transformation and are stocked exclusively in Boots stores nationwide