There has been a lot in the media about the Motherhood Penalty so I felt I had to give my opinion on it. The truth is, it exists. As for the next question in the title: can only men have it all? Mostly. Yes, I know. It isn’t fair and it certainly is sexist, but having a child affects a women’s career much more than a man’s. Now there are exceptions to the rule, and the number of stay-at-home dads is growing, but childcare is still widely seen as a women’s issue. And that’s wrong. Women get the motherhood penalty but men get the daddy bonus.
It is not that women can’t have it all. You can, but it’s really hard. Mostly it is just that they can’t have it all at the same time. Parenthood requires sacrifice. The sacrifice comes from both genders, but weighs heavier on the female. Since my husband and I had our son his career has gone from strength-to-strength, he gets to go out occasionally and even gets invited to award ceremonies because he has a permanent unpaid babysitter at home. In contrast, my life now resembles almost nothing of its predecessor because I don’t. I have given up numerous opportunities because I could not juggle them with my child. Somedays I get no work done at all. Other days I just stare at my son while he plays thinking about how the hell I can be a good mother to him, run a business and be an author and freelance writer. Because, and it pains me to say this, sometimes I can’t. Something has got to give, and usually it is my hobbies, social life, and career. My husband still has the bones of his old life. Only his evenings and weekends are different, my old life on the other hand was obliterated. My son is worth it of course, but that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes miss the person I used to be and the life I used to have. I wrote about this subject before I had my son and while I still think women can do whatever they want with their lives, it is harder for them.
I could put my child into a nursery of course. But let’s not kid ourselves, that is not having it all either. There is nothing wrong with it. I have female friends who ended their maternity leave early because they said they could not take being at home with a baby all day. Being at home with a baby all day is hard and I don’t judge. Good for her, not for me. There is also the cost of childcare, which is extortionate. The nursery next to us cost £93 a day. A DAY! Who can afford that?
I read in the Metro that 2 out of every 3 women with pre-school children are locked out of work. I was fired twice when I was pregnant, and many other promises amounted to nothing when my pregnancy became public knowledge. It upset me then and it upsets me now. There are generations of women who had so much to offer the world, but maternity discrimination put paid to that. It is no surprise that the “mumpreneur” industry is so huge. And you only have to look at what mumpreneurs are doing to know that there are not the ones missing out, the people who forced them out of work are. I recently saw the amazing Diane Keaton film Baby Boom. It was made in 1987 but is just as relevant today. It is on netflix.com so do watch it. In the beginning Diane Keaton’s boss tells her that only men get to have it all, but in the end she starts her own business and becomes a mother. She really does get to have it all.
I know many of friends who aren’t even thinking of having children but are married and “of an age” so are discriminated against. I think maternity leave should apply to both sexes. Then women cannot be the only ones discriminated against. It is a thought. I might not work, but something has to be done. Whether by women who start their own business, by making sure that men are not discriminated against for wanting to stay at home, or by a change in the law, we need to keep doing whatever we can. Not just for ourselves, but for our daughters and sons too.
