Surviving Christmas as a Single

The Christmas period is a time of mixed emotions for single people; Christmas parties give us lots of opportunities for meeting new people and securing a kiss under the mistletoe, but the elated party mood can fade quickly when we’re back home with family and being relentlessly quizzed about our single status.

An eHarmony.co.uk study (2009) found that 47% of singles cited loneliness as the reason they feel a sense of trepidation about going home for Christmas. Additionally, the unmarried men we surveyed said they found Christmas a more stressful time than Valentine’s Day.

We‘re not saying it’s easy, but if you try to approach being single from a positive perspective, there are a lot of good points about being single at this time of year – from evenings out at German Christmas markets to office parties and mince pie gatherings, there are so many added opportunities to socialize and get into the Christmas spirit. Here are a few tips on tackling December with confidence.

Top tips to avoid feeling left out if you’re not coupled-up this festive season, from Dr Gian Gonzaga, Senior Director of Research at online match-making website eharmony.co.uk

Fill your time
If you’ve been single for a while, you’ll probably be a dab hand at planning and filling your time. And that’s no bad thing – how often do you hear coupled friends moaning they can’t go out because ‘Rachel has promised to cook me dinner this evening’?  Whereas, you have no one else’s calendar to worry about. Grab the festive season with both hands; attend parties, see old friends, visit Christmas markets and invite other single friends round for dinner.

Feel good about yourself
So, you’ve got some spare time on your hands. Why not volunteer for a charity such as Crisis, over Christmas. Amazingly, some charities get over subscribed for volunteers on Christmas Day and Boxing Day but there’ll always be someone in need at some point over the festive season.

Don’t wallow
This is the cardinal rule of being single at Christmas – and in fact the whole year round. If you wallow in your feelings of sadness, you’ll enter into a downward spiral. Misery breeds misery, and it pushes people away. How often have you walked into a party and thought, ‘Ooh, I’ll talk to that miserable person over there’? We’re guessing never.

We know that it’s often easier said than done to banish those feelings of sadness – especially if you find yourself remembering last Christmas when things were better for you – but do try. As soon as you feel your mind wandering, distract yourself. Volunteer to do some cooking, call up a friend:  just get your mind off that subject.

Gather round, one and all

The Christmas holidays are about all the relationships you have, and you have a lot! Revel in these relationships because you probably don’t get to see them that often. After all, what’s funnier than Aunt Margaret after a few too many sherries? If you really can’t face it, coerce a friend into going with you – but take care, if you think all your attention will be spent making sure they’re ok rather than socialising, it’s a pointless exercise.

Don’t be the only single person at the party
Whilst you should stay social, try to avoid being the only single person at a party if you think it will bother you. Take a friend, or arrange to do something else. Of course, if you’re happy to be around just couples then party away.

Come up with a good comeback for nosy relatives
If there’s one thing to guarantee you regressing to being a sulky child, it’s a nosy relative inquiring about your love life. Yes it’s petty, but the fact is that when your smug distant cousin and his new wife are bearing down on you at a family gathering you’ll do well to have some stock answers to their potentially prying questions. This can range from the genuine (I just haven’t found the right person yet) to the flippant (I didn’t fancy buying so many presents this year) – whatever you’re comfortable with, just be prepared. And remember your relationships come and go on your terms and no one else’s.

Look on the bright side
There are actually lots of bonuses to being single at Christmas – no agonizing over presents for your partner, no stress over whose house to eat Christmas dinner at, being able to go to any party you want…the list goes on. Still feeling miserable? Remember that Christmas puts huge pressure on couples too, with 1.8million considering divorce over the period, according to Family Mediation Helpline. Also remember that there is life after Christmas – after all, it is just a week and it’ll soon be January. (And if the prospect of a cold and grey January doesn’t persuade you to enjoy the moment, nothing will)

Get away from it all
And, if you honestly can’t face Christmas at home, take the chance to be completely selfish and have a winter break. Relish your lack of responsibilities and spend a week lying on a beach, not sparing a thought for overeating and enforced jollity.

 

 

Wendy's baby diary – 7 months

Time to cut off the milk supply?

Signs indicating it’s time to stop breastfeeding:

1) Baby’s got more teeth than you’ve got nipples

2) Baby tugs down your top

3) Baby tries to suck other parts of you, in the belief that mummy is made of milk

4) Friends and relatives say ‘You’re not still breastfeeding are you?’

5) Bitty

I think it’s time to hang up the Closed sign on the milk bar. Baby Dillon’s got six teeth. He’s eating solids (toast, blueberries). He’s rolling around the floor and knocking stuff off the TV stand. He’s sleeping through the night in his own bed, in his own room. He’s racing around the
kitchen in his baby walker (able to reverse and manoeuvre past the clothes
horse). What happened to my newborn? Before I know it he’ll be scaling Everest and
I’ll be crying into his baby clothes saying “you used to be this big”.

Baby Rash

Dillon was ill with a rash which turned out to be a viral
infection. It’s so scary to see a bright red rash on his trunk. The instant
concern is, is it meningitis? do the tumbler test. He recovered in a couple of
days, so we took him to visit my mum with a new travel cot, which of course he
didn’t sleep in, and when he doesn’t get any sleep nor do we. The travel cot
also functions as a portable prison ahem playpen so it will get used one way or
another.

Festive

I had thought Dillon was too young to appreciate Halloween
or Guy Fawkes but nearer the time I realised we could enjoy these special
occasions and get some memorable photos. My friend carved him a pumpkin lantern
and Dillon wore a monkey outfit for Halloween and went to a themed baby sensory
class and fancy dress day at his nursery where all the staff wore pyjamas.
Cute. Now I’m looking forward to his first Christmas. He’ll be dressed as baby
Santa with a red hat. The dog will have on a pair of reindeer antlers. And wearing
a knitted Christmas pullover will be Colin Firth. Who can stuff my turkey anyday.

Swimming

Baby swimming lessons have finished, it was a bit of a wash
out with nearly half the lessons cancelled or postponed so we didn’t learn a
lot. Dillon got used to being carried around in water. We might try again in the
New Year so that one day we can have our own Nevermind album cover.

Juggling

Can I manage baby Dillon and a Masters degree and go back to
work? I’m unsure. But you don’t know until you try. Some people thought I was
mad to be starting a MA when I was pregnant. It has been tough and I wouldn’t
still be on the course without support from certain people. Getting out of the
house to go to class has been positive for me. So many mums work full time then
it’s a shock to the system to be at home all day for 9 months to a year. So commuting
into London one or two days a week gives me a bit of normality. I think every
mum, however much she loves her kids, needs an occasional break.

So when I’m worried about running out of nursing pads and number
3 baby formula I can take my mind off it with French and Greek philosophers,
the classical dramatic paradigm and bright young things running about campus.

The main problem I have is burning the midnight oil as I can’t
concentrate until he’s gone to bed and by then I’m hankering for some medicine
(see previous baby diary http://frostmagazine.com/2011/10/wendys-baby-diary-six-months-guilt-isolation-and-men/), go to bed at 2am and get woken by Babezilla at 6.45am.

Congratulations

Lots of happy baby news – congratulations to our friends
Nathan and Bonnie on the birth of baby Samuel, Kevin and Louise who had baby
Aidan and my brother Terry and his wife Ola who had baby Matthew. And to our
friends L&M who are expecting. First timers – you don’t know what you’re in
for. Second timers – memory lapse?

Until next time

I think my get up and go, got up and went!

(c) Wendy Thomson 2011

Wendy Thomson is the editor of www.femalearts.com an online publication
which promotes women in the arts and in business.

How To Get Over A Break Up.

SGPFew things in life are as hard as a break up. Having your heart broken is not for wimps. Yet everyone will go through it at some point. Being left by someone you love will leave you bereft but you will survive. Here is the Frost guide to healing as quickly as possible.

[Note: although this articles is about getting over a man, the same advice mostly applies to women too]

Give yourself time to mourn

Nothing stops the end from being so hard.

When something ends in your life, no matter what it is, it is going to hurt. The end of a relationship is the death of that relationship and you have to give yourself time to mourn.

However, only give yourself a few days, a week maximum to really mop. Sounds tough, but it’s the best way. After that, go out a lot, join some classes, talk to your friends, exercise, or even just spend an evening watching a good boxset or reading magazines. Treat yourself and be kind. You are fragile so treat yourself as well as possible.

Cut him off.

When someone hurts you, react. Forgiveness comes later. Keep your dignity at all times, but don’t let yourself be manipulated. There is a reason you broke up.

Delete him on Facebook, stop following him on Twitter. Delete his number, his email from your contact list, cut him off. If he doesn’t want you in his life, then he doesn’t get to have you as a friend. Don’t settle for second best. He will probably want to keep you around and have you as a ‘friends with benefits’ but you are worth more, don’t do it.

Remove him from your life with surgical precision. Sell everything he bought you on Ebay and use the proceeds to go on a holiday with your girlfriends. Get ride of every mementos. Change your surrounding as much as possible and have a clear out. All of this will help.

Some people think you can be friends with an ex. Maybe you can after a long period, But, I think, the only reasons two exes can be friends is if they still love each other, or if they never did.

Don’t just rebound with the next guy.

Having casual sex will just make you feel worse. Embrace the good things about being single, not the meat market aspect. You will be a different person from who went into the relationship. Give yourself some time to grow and settle into yourself.

Remind yourself what you didn’t like about him.

Write everything down. No one is perfect and there are things he done that drove you mad. Did he play computer games all day? Watch football? Whatever it is, that has also gone from your life too. Thumbs up.

Take responsibility

Take note of what you did wrong in the relationship, the mistakes you made. Learn from every bad experience. It takes two people to destroy a relationship. Your next relationship will be the better for it.

Enjoy being single.

Embrace all the great things about being single. Do all of the things that you love that he hated. Go out and flirt. Flirting is fun and there are a lot of amazing men out there. Go out and date. Enjoy yourself knowing you have no ball and chain.

Become an independent women who loves her life. Remember when Prince William dumped Kate Middleton? Kate shortened her hem lines, and went out with Williams friends looking absolutely stunning. No wonder he fell back in love with her.

[If you follow all of this advice and your ex comes crawling back, think hard before taking him back, all of the old problems will still be there. Don’t throw more good time after bad.]

Let go

Know that everything will get better and that time will heal. After removing him from your life and embracing your new one, let go. Nothing good comes from hanging onto the past. Go out and live your life, knowing that you are better off without him.

My final piece of advice is to not let a bad man ruin you for a good one in the future. There is a good man out there for you. If you become bitter, he wins. Always know that even in the darkest moments that there is a good man out there for you, and one day you will find him. Just keep searching and live your life.

Wendy's baby diary – cheeky monkey

Baby Diary – 31 weeks

Ill

I started out with the intention to keep this baby column
weekly but it’s been nearly a month since my last baby update. There are a
couple of reasons and one is that Dillon has been ill. He got an infected toe
(we’re not sure how) and needed antibiotics for a week, this was followed by a
temperature for a couple of days and he’s had a cough for nearly a month. It is
scary and a panic when I hear any sniffle. Keep well baby D!

Controlled Crying

Dillon is nearly 7 months old and life is starting, just
starting to get easier. Bless his heart, Dillon has been sleeping through the
night for the last few weeks.  To get
there we had to go down the ‘controlled crying’ route. At first I didn’t want
to. We did the pick up, put down approach which is comfort the baby then leave him,
repeat as necessary, but when repeat is many times throughout the night it got
too much for both of us (stamina, exhaustion, feeding in desperation).

So what is controlled crying? Basically you leave your baby
to cry themselves to sleep. It’s not in a horrible, ignore the baby kind of
way, it’s in a loving, have I checked the baby and after feeding, winding,
changing, checking if teething, temperature, breathing is everything else ok
and telling him you love him and putting the lights out, you let him cry his
little heart out until he falls asleep. Yes it feels heartless and horrible and
wrong. But our little boy is 80 percentile he’s not going to waste away from
lack of milk and booby at night he can definitely sleep without it. After some
reassurance from my friend, we let Dillon cry himself to sleep and he cried for
about 20 mins. The next night between 10 and 15 mins. That was it. Joy!  For 10 hours the baby is asleep and I am free.
Freedom!

Nursery

Dillon has started at nursery two days a week so that I can
attend Uni two days a week. Oh the guilt of leaving him with someone else. But
the staff are really nice, the nursery has a good vibe about it and it does me
some good to be in an intellectual environment twice a week. I worry about him,
but he’s a sociable, loving baby, I think he’s happy there.  At six months old he’s also the youngest baby at
the nursery as most people go back to work after maternity leave of 9 months to
one year, another reason to feel guilty. But he seems to be getting a lot of
attention from the staff as the youngest, neediest baby which makes me feel
better. He also hasn’t formed that strong attachment to me yet, so when I say
bye bye, he doesn’t notice me leave, he’s busy eyeing up the toys and the other
babies.

Easier for Dad to
Leave the House

Since he’s working full time it’s easier for Dillon’s dad to
get out of the house 5 days a week. Sometimes I’ve been a little jealous that
he gets to leave, in a thoughtless grass is always greener way. Because I know how
well tended the lawn is on my side of the fence. And I’m not talking lady
garden. I’m happier being at home with Dillon. The gig that Dad went to which
turned into a 24 hour absence felt a bit much, especially when it looked set to
repeat the next weekend (but it’s not happening now). I appreciate that we both
need a break and we take it in turns to babysit.  Yes I’ve missed a lot of theatre before and
after Dillon was born, but I’ve read a lot of books, watched a lot of TV,
films, listened to radio, even got to the cinema (thanks to the Baby Scream
club), met up with other mums at Baby Sensory classes and my NCT group and with
my mum friends, we’ve taken Dillon to baby swimming classes, even church once a
month. The isolation I had felt is diminishing – just got to get out with the
baby!

Pushchairs

Dillon’s travel system has been good in a lot of ways but
boy is his car seat heavy and the whole thing is bulky, so we’re looking into a
lightweight pushchair to make it easier when dropping him off at nursery. I just
don’t understand why the majority of pushchairs are designed so that the baby
faces forwards (not towards mum).  I only
see problems with it, because to check on your child you have to stop, walk to the
front, deal with your baby then return to the back. Anytime your baby cries,
needs a drink or food, has a runny nose, their clothing needs adjusting you’ve
got to stop and go to the front of the pushchair (and when it’s crowded on the
pavement annoy all the pedestrians behind you).

More (inexpensive) rear facing pushchairs please!

Happy Halloween

© Wendy Thomson 2011

Wendy Thomson is the editor of www.femalearts.com an online publication
which promotes women in the arts and in business.

Top 10 Common Faults with Human Thought

When you think about it the human mind is an incredible thing. Cognition, the act or process of thinking, enables us to process immense amounts of information in the blink of an eye. Take just walking down your high street for example; you are multi-tasking walking with taking in stimuli such as sound, smell all whilst looking out for the latest offers. You may be consciously thinking about one specific thing, but you brain is processing thousands of subconscious ideas.

Unfortunately our cognition is not perfect, and there are certain judgment errors that we are prone to making, and left unchecked there are certain habits we can fall into with our thinking which can limit our success. In my own journey of change NLP played a huge part as the key statement is ‘That as you think, so you are’. It shares a lot with the field of psychology ideas that ‘Thought is linked to behaviour’.

I’m going to share with you the top ten faults. If any of these ring true for you don’t worry; they happen to everybody regardless of age, gender, education, intelligence. Some of them are well known, others not, but all of them are interesting. I am sure everyone will find that one has happened to them, (I myself have been prone to several) hopefully you recognise when they are making an error in the future.

 

10. Gambler’s Fallacy

The Gambler’s fallacy is the tendency to think that future probabilities are altered by past events, when in reality, they are not. Certain probabilities, such as getting a heads when you flip a (fair) coin, are always the same. The probability of getting a heads is 50%, it does not matter if you’ve gotten tails the last 10 flips. Thinking that the probabilities have changed is a common mistake, especially when gambling. For example, I am playing roulette. The last four spins have landed on black, it has to be red this time right? Wrong! The probability of landing on red is still 47.37% (18 red spots divided by 38 total spots). This may sound obvious, but this bias has caused many a gambler to lose money thinking the probabilities have changed.

 

9. Reactivity

Reactivity is the tendency of people to act or appear differently when they know that they are being observed. In the 1920s, a manufacturing facility commissioned a study to see if different levels of light influenced worker productivity. What they found was incredible, changing the light caused productivity to soar! Unfortunately, when the study was finished, productivity levels decreased to their regular levels. This was because the change in productivity was not due to the light levels, but to the workers being watched. This demonstrated a form of reactivity; when individuals know they are being watched, they are more likely to be motivated to change their behaviour, generally to make themselves look better. Reactivity is a serious problem in research, and has to be controlled in blind experiments (“Blind” is when individuals involved in a research study are purposely withheld information so as not to influence the outcomes).

 

 

8. Pareidolia

Pareidolia is when random images or sounds are perceived as significant. Seeing clouds in the shapes of dinosaurs, the image of Jesus on a slice of bread, or hearing messages when a record is played backward are common examples. The common element is that the stimulus is neutral, it does not have intentional meaning; the meaning is in fact the viewer’s perception and reflects as much about them as the situation. So if you are looking for something like a woman in am image you are much more likely to see just that.

 

7. Self-fulfilling Prophecy

This is perhaps the most powerful fault with human thinking. A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that causes itself to become true. For example, I think my relationship with my significant other is going to fail, so I start acting differently, pulling away emotionally or I refuse to trust them because I have had negative experiences in the past and I think that every partner will cheat on me. Because of my actions, I actually cause the relationship to fail. This is a powerful tool used by so called “psychics” they may implant an idea in your mind and you eventually make it happen because you think it will.

When you start realising this it actually becomes quite shocking. There is an argument to say that Economic Recessions could be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because a recession is 2 quarters of Gross Domestic Product (GDP) decline, you cannot know you are in a recession until you are at least 6 months into one. Unfortunately, at the first sign of decreasing GDP, the media reports a possible recession, people panic and start a chain of events that actually cause a recession.

 

6. Halo effect

The Halo effect is the tendency for an individual’s positive or negative trait to “spill over” to other areas of their personality in others’ perceptions of them. This bias happens a lot in employee performance appraisals. For example: my employee, Biff, has been late to work the past three days; I notice this and conclude that Biff is lazy and does not care about his job. There are many possible reasons why Biff was late, perhaps his car broke down, his babysitter did not show up, or there has been bad weather. The problem is, because of one negative aspect that may be out of Biff’s control, I assume that he is a bad worker.

The Physical Attractiveness Stereotype is when people assume that attractive individuals possess other socially desirable qualities, such as happiness, success and intelligence. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when attractive people are given privileged treatment such as better job opportunities and higher salaries.

 

5. Group Polarisation

Sometimes called Herd Mentality or Mob Mentality, this is the tendency to adopt the opinions and follow the behaviours of the majority to feel safer and to avoid conflict. At its most common form this is none other than peer pressure. We see Herd Mentality in recent incidents such as the riots, but do you notice it at Christmas when everyone wants the latest toy or is perhaps looking at the latest fashion? Creating a must have attitude in consumers is the staple diet of Marketing execs and if they can create it even through viral exposure they will at any cost; all it takes is a group of people who think something is cool, and it catches on.

 

4. Reactance

Reactance is the urge to do the opposite of what someone wants you to do out of a need to resist a perceived attempt to constrain your freedom of choice. This is common with rebellious teenagers, but any attempt to resist authority due to perceived threats to freedom and/or choice is reactance. The individual may not have a need to do the specific behaviour, however the fact that they cannot do it makes them want to.

Reverse psychology is an attempt to influence people using reactance. Tell someone (particularly children) to do the opposite of what you really want, and they will rebel and actually end up doing what you want.

 

3. Hyperbolic Discounting

Hyperbolic discounting is the tendency for people to prefer a smaller, immediate payoff over a larger, delayed payoff. Much research has been done on decision-making, and many factors contribute to the individual decision making process. Interestingly, delay time is a big factor in choosing an alternative. Put simply, most people would choose to get £20 today instead of getting £100 one year from today. Assume that the interest rate is 9%, at this interest rate, a rational person would be indifferent to taking £91.74 now, or £100 a year from now. However, it is interesting how much less we are willing to take immediately rather than wait, would you rather have £100 a year from now, or £50 immediately? How about £40 immediately? Where do you draw the line?

There are huge connotations for a society who thinks this way. Just imagine how many people are putting off their pensions because they would rather have the money now than to start saving. Just imagine how many people are getting into debt because of quick fire loans of £1443% apr – Yes I have seen them.

My personal nickname for this is P.I.G – Personal Immediate Gratification and I don’t mind saying that it is the one that I had the most problems with. Essentially it is the ability to put off immediate gratification in favour of a longer term gain. If you read Frost regularly I’ll have more on this in the next few months

 

 

2. Escalation of Commitment

Escalation of commitment is the tendency for people to continue to support previously unsuccessful endeavours. With all the decisions people have to make, it is unavoidable that some will be unsuccessful. Of course, the logical thing to do in these instances is to change that decision or try to reverse it. However, sometimes individuals feel compelled not only to stick with their decision, but also to further invest in that decision because they have sunk costs. For example, say you use half of your life savings to start a business. After 6 months, it is evident that the business is going to be unsuccessful. The logical thing to do would be to “cut your losses” and drop the business. However, due to the sunk costs of your life savings, you feel committed to the business and invest even more money into the project hoping that the additional cash will turn the business around.

Just to be clear on this – faltering on the border of failure is not always a bad thing; many successful people I know have come close to bankruptcy many times, many relationships have bordered on the edge of breakdown and in many cases people come through stronger and more educated than before; in fact some would say failure is almost a pre-requisite to success. The key becomes knowing when to walk away and when to stay.

 

1. Placebo Effect

Number one in my book has to be the Placebo effect. This is when an ineffectual substance that is believed to have healing properties produces the desired effect. Especially common with medications, the placebo effect has been observed when individuals given a sugar pill for a real ailment reported improvement. Placebos are still very much a scientific mystery. It is theorised that placebos cause an “Expectancy Effect”, (In cases of uncertainty, expectation is what is most likely to happen) individuals expect the pills to cure their ailments, so they feel cured. However, this does not explain how the ineffectual pills actually cause a reduction in symptoms.

The term “Placebo” is used when the outcomes are considered favourable or positive, when the outcomes are negative or harmful; the term is called “Nocebo”

Women Miss Their Pets More Than Their Boyfriends.

NOT ALWAYS’S A MAN’S BEST FRIEND…

One-in-five women miss their pets more than their partners during prolonged absences, according to new research.

Almost 30 per cent think about their dogs and cats at least twice a day when separated for a week or more.

But only half that number think about their boyfriend or husband as often, a poll of female pet owners reveals.

They also worry more about their pets’ welfare – and if they are “eating well” – than their loved ones’ own health.

In fact, over 75 per cent ensure the cupboards are stocked with pet food and treats before they leave, yet far fewer are concerned about the man of the house going hungry.

Meanwhile, one-in-three would cut their trip short “at the drop of a hat” if their pet fell ill or had a minor incident, compared to just one-in-10 for their partner.

The survey into female travelling attitudes also shows that 60 per cent admit to feeling “guilty” about leaving their pets to go on a “girly weekend”.

Only 28 per cent, however, will have the same crisis of conscience over leaving their man on his own for a few days.

The figures were revealed yesterday by short breaks website GirlyWeekend.com, which polled 1,500 of its visitors who own cats and dogs.

Website founder Pat Gardner said she “fully understands” the findings.

“As a pet lover myself, I can fully understand why women would miss their pets more than their partner while away on a girly weekend,” she said.

“Women tend to see their pet cat or dog like a baby, in need of constant care and attention. Men, meanwhile, are seen as being able to look after themselves.”

The poll also revealed that 65 per cent of female travellers would take their furry friend with them on a girly weekend if allowed to do so by their hotel.

Pat added: “We specialise in upmarket breaks for women around the country and one of the questions we get asked a lot is if the hotels and country halls will allow pets.

“It just goes to show much women value the company of their cats and dogs.”

For more information about female short breaks visit www.girlyweekend.com

SPRUCE UP YOUR DATING PROFILE

Almost six million Brits are now dating online[1] but with so many people and so many profiles in the digisphere, it pays to be creative. Standing out from the virtual crowd has never been more important if you are hoping to meet a long term partner online.

“Whether you have signed up for the first time or have been online dating for several months, never under-estimate the power of your dating profile,” says Dr Gian Gonzaga, world-renowned expert in the field of compatibility and relationships for eHarmony®.

“Your online profile is a virtual window into your life, your passions, your goals and accomplishments. There’s no set formula for a ‘great profile’ as everyone’s different, but every profile should be positive and lively. Like a CV, it should show off your best points, but instead of a dry list of achievements it should be conversational in tone and full of personality.”

So, if you’re thinking of starting on the online dating journey, follow Dr Gonzaga’s ten tips to ensuring your profile gets you a first date, and lots more:

1. RELAX AND TURN OFF DISTRACTIONS

The first step is to get comfortable and relaxed and have a bit of distance from noise and distractions so you can concentrate on thinking about all your positives. Sit down on the sofa, put some music on, and start jotting down some thoughts about what makes you unique on paper, or the computer.

2. DO YOUR RESEARCH

What better way to research than reading other people’s profiles and looking at what you like about them, and what you don’t. Make sure your profile isn’t the same as others’ though. You’re unique.

3. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS SAY ABOUT YOU?

Everyone finds it difficult writing about themselves. It’s often easier to write about other people; so ask your close friends to describe your best qualities. Your friends can reveal a lot about your character that you may never spot.

4. STAY POSITIVE!

Avoid negative tones and always be positive about yourself. Your profile is essentially your dating CV. You wouldn’t want a future employer to read anything negative on your CV, so why would you want a potential partner to read anything that isn’t positive?

5. ADOPT A WRITER’S STYLE

Many people find poor grammar and spelling a turn off, and the best of us can make mistakes, so be careful on this point. Always write in full sentences, don’t abbreviate or use text speak. Then read your profile aloud, or ask a friend to double check it. Then put it into Word and use your computer spell check for final peace of mind.

6. UPDATE YOUR PHOTOS

Pictures are an essential part of your profile so use them to full effect. These are a few good examples:

– The Full Face Close Up: Great light, no sunglasses. You’re simply smiling!

– The Full Body: Ideally standing outside.

– The Waist Up: Sitting down and smiling.

– Your Passion: Doing something you really love – snowboarding, sailing etc.

– Your Favourite Place: Local park, the beach or garden, it’s a great conversation starter.

7. BE SPECIFIC

When you’re writing about what sums you up as a person, talk in specifics to give a full flavour of who you are. If you love travelling, say where your favourite place is and why. Anything concrete like this brings you alive to anyone reading, and improves your chances of there being some connecting points.

8. HAVE FUN!

Most people want to find someone who can make them laugh, so show people you have a sense of humour. If you can make someone laugh or someone can make you laugh, it’s a great icebreaker and could get your conversation off to a great start.

9. TWEAK AS YOU GO

Be prepared to tweak the profile as you go along, you can always come back to it and change it if you feel you didn’t quite get it right the first time. Add in your current achievements or hobbies, so if you’ve just started a photography course, then add that to your profile.

10. PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES

And finally, think about what you would think if you read your own profile. Are you interested in you? If you feel curious then you are off to a flying start.

eHarmony.co.uk helps its users to meet compatible matches through its patented Compatibility Matching System using data from its detailed Relationship Questionnaire. Unlike other dating sites, eHarmony.co.uk uses the results of the Relationship Questionnaire to match you with others who share similar characteristics, attitudes and beliefs – proven indicators of long term relationship success.

The site also provides its users with a free and in-depth Personality Profile which offers insights into who you are and how others perceive you – as well as what your needs are in a partner. Your profile, in and of itself, can be a valuable dating tool to you in your quest to find true love that lasts. The more you know about yourself, the more you will know what you need from a potential life-partner.

Wendy's baby diary – Six months! – Guilt, isolation and men

Six months old

Dillon was six months old on Monday the 3rd October 2011. A lot has happened in this first six months including his christening , baby swimming classes, health centre visits and weigh ins, the
dog eating the midwifes shoes, the whole experience of giving birth, going to University, starting my website http://www.femalearts.com, being off work, weaning the baby, his milestones including Dillon getting his first baby teeth, sitting up, rolling around on the floor, playing with his feet, smiling and laughing and interacting with objects and people.

I’d like to thank Catherine Balavage at Frost Magazine for offering me this blank canvas to write about Dillon. I wanted to document these moments so that in the future I can look back (hopefully Dillon will also read it) and have a record of this wonderful, life changing time.

It’s been a brilliant six months but it’s also been tiring, stressful and a lot of hard work. I’ve said in my diary about how the baby is progressing, the goods, toys and clothes we have bought for him, what activities he is enjoying and how he’s developing but I don’t think I’ve said so much about my feelings. The following topics have been on my mind recently…

Men with babies

Recently there has been a couple of TV Doctors with babies – Doc Martin has a baby, James Cordon was left holding the baby in Doctor Who – portraying what it feels like for the dad to be the primary carer –the Doctor Who story was about panic and fluster with the conclusion that dads
are actually protective loving individuals and the mums are competent women who make lists and mother both their partner and baby.

Nothing is that clear cut and I’m not sure there is a big gender difference in the way we are parents, it may just boil down to the amount of physical time spent with the baby = the more you know them = the more competent you become at dealing with them.

The only thing that aggravates me with stories on TV about dads coping alone with babies is that there aren’t an equivalent number of stories about mums coping alone with babies. Because it isn’t all confident list making and natural mothering instincts, it’s often panic, confusion, stress,
isolation and guilt.

Isolation

It’s lonely being a stay at home mum. Even though it is through choice I miss chatting to colleagues, I miss talking to my husband, I miss my family, and I miss my friends. Having another adult in the house during the day (e.g. when relatives have come to stay and at the weekend when the baby’s dad is at home) makes so much difference to my life. All the bags of stuff needed
to carry around for the baby, all the preparation that’s needed before I can leave the house, all the attention and love and care that Dillon needs – is so much easier when it’s shared.

Recently I have realised I need to make more of an effort to see my friends – especially friends who are available in the daytime. Getting out daily with the dog and the baby for walks and taking baby to classes or shopping is something but it’s not the same as being with people who know and care about me, who I can have a proper conversation with.

I can see why going back to work begins to look appealing because you can start to be yourself again and have adult interaction without constantly thinking about the baby’s needs and their safety. But employment means childcare. Which brings me onto my next subject – guilt.

Guilt

As a parent there is one thing you can be certain of – a steady almost constant feeling of guilt. I think it stems from conflict between personal needs/wants and that of your child.  My current guilty feelings are – guilt for using formula, guilt for starting weaning before six months, guilt for not weaning successfully, guilt for not establishing a pattern (of eating/sleeping), guilt for trying to establish a pattern, guilt for not living up to other people’s parenting expectations, guilt for not
returning to work yet, guilt for arranging childcare, guilt for doing my master’s degree, guilt for not being sure, guilt over baby’s eczema not clearing up, guilt for letting the dog spend time with baby, guilt for separating dog from baby, guilt for daily dressing of baby in babygro’s in attempt to stop skin contact with whatever is causing the eczema, guilt for not taking enough photos of baby, guilt for not posting all the thank you cards yet, guilt for not buying enough things for baby, guilt for spending so much money, guilt for wanting my boobs back, guilt that he cries a lot, guilt whenever I let him cry before going to him, guilt that I’m spending time writing this!

There’s too much guilt, worry, anxiety and the only consolation is the thought that other people may be feeling the same way.

Self-Medication

One of the best ways to cope is summed up with a quote from my friend BenJohn’s facebook update.

“Youngsters, you probably think booze is for enjoying and having fun. Let me assure you it is a medicine for those with children to let them relax in the gaps when they’re asleep.”

© Wendy Thomson 2011

Wendy Thomson is the editor of www.femalearts.com an online publication which promotes women in the arts and in business.